


Pompeii

by tinyinkstainedbird



Series: Marvel [2]
Category: Impractical Jokers
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Romance, Shameless Smut, mental health, more cats
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2019-06-12 20:24:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 96,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15348009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyinkstainedbird/pseuds/tinyinkstainedbird
Summary: Almost a year after they said their last goodbye, Brian and Sadie see if their lucky stars can survive a summer in New York together.





	1. new york isn't new york without you, love

**Author's Note:**

> I had a few requests for a sequel to Marvel, so here it is! Hope you guys like it. :)

They all knew why Brian picked this booth, just like they all knew why he picked Roy Orbison on the jukebox and had a few beers too many. It was the same reason he kept checking his phone and looking at his watch: he missed her.

Sal Vulcano didn’t know if that was the reason Brian was talking to this other girl, who was nearly sitting on his lap, touching his arm with every shrill laugh, but he thought maybe that was part of it. No, Brian wasn’t known for his cheating, but it had been 10 long months since they’d seen each other and it wasn’t like they were officially dating anyway. Some days all Brian did was ache, really, and Sal knew all it would take to put an end to this limbo was for Brian to make a quick phone call that both parties knew was coming.

But Sal didn’t want that. He wanted Brian to stay in love with a good girl, even if most of the times it hurt. Glancing across the table at Joe and Murr, Sal was pretty sure Murr didn’t agree, judging by his sad little shrug, as if to say _what can you do,_ but Joe was on the same page. Joe didn’t even return Sal’s glance -- he was too busy trying to catch Brian’s eye to signal to him to knock it off. They all just wanted their friend to be happy, which they knew was sometimes a tall order, but they also knew this tipsy fan wouldn’t help.  

Brian “Q” Quinn was the Harry Styles of the four, despite being 42 years old and out of shape and grumpy as fuck. Women loved him. He was also flirty by nature, so when this girl had come over to their table at the bar to ask for a picture, it wasn’t out of character for Brian to play along and flirt back a little. This fan, however, had approached them too many beers into the night, and Brian had invited her to stay for a drink, and Sal felt like he was watching a disaster quivering on the horizon.

 _“She made me promise if I ever meet anyone else, I have to call her to break it off first,”_ Brian had told Sal once on a late-night drive not long after she’d left, and at the time, he’d huffed when he’d said it, like the idea of meeting someone else was as impossible as it was offensive. But now, Sal couldn’t help but notice the way Brian’s hand kept going to his phone.  

“Fuck,” Sal sighed.

+

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

“I think so,” the teenaged girl said, placing a book on the counter. “Have you read this?”

Sadie Waters picked up the lavender-coloured book and felt her heart flip. Her own copy of this book was tattered at the edges and sitting on her bedside table, where it had been since the end of last May, when Brian had come home with her.

After her trip to New York -- where she’d been a skittish tourist on a park bench and he'd been shooting a TV show when he sat down beside her -- they’d had five extra days together. He’d come home with her because they couldn’t quite say goodbye in a way that stuck, and somehow, he’d fit right in, here in her little hometown on the Canadian prairies, even if his Staten Island accent and how much he loved her had made him stand out like a sore thumb. The sunshine had looked good on him, and he’d loved the dive bars and tumbleweeds and crickets chirping at night, and he’d looked perfectly at home sleeping in her bed, surrounded by all her books, with her sweet little cat snoozing on his chest. It had all been perfect, but there was one little moment that still stopped her in her tracks whenever something reminded her of it.

Their first night had just been sex in every room of her apartment, and so was their first morning, but the next day, they both had work to do. She went to her soul-crushing 9-5 office job while he sat in on a production meeting via Skype, and when she came home, she was exhausted and he was annoyed about work shit. That night, they were quiet, kind presences, soaking up each other’s bad days until all they were was cozy. That night, he stood in front of her bookcase and tilted his head to silently read the spines. That night, she loved him in a way she still couldn't shake.

“You know, I’ve never read _To Kill a Mockingbird,”_ he’d said, pulling down her most-read book from the shelf. “Is it good?”

“It’s my favourite,” she smiled.

“No,” he teased, turning his body to smile back at her, and then crawled into bed beside her with the book in his hands. It was on the verge of falling apart from the amount of times she’d read it. “I couldn’t tell.”

Sadie fit her head in the crook of his neck. “It’s my mom’s favourite too,” she told him. “She bought me this copy when I turned 12.”

He made himself comfy with his back propped up against a mountain of pillows, and then put an arm around her. He handed her the book, quiet and soft, his shitty mood dissolving and turning him gentle. “How does it go?”

Sadie raised her head to look at him like he must be joking, but he wasn’t. Heart warmed, she laid her head back on his chest and read to him.

Everything about those five days that Brian had spent with her had been magic, but that was the part she held onto the tightest now. It had been 10 months since then, and they hadn’t seen each other since, and sometimes she worried he’d forget about her or meet someone new, and sometimes she thought maybe it would be easier on her heart to just let go, but then she thought about those nights in her bed, her voice going scratchy as she told him all about Finches and Boo Radley and courage, and she couldn’t imagine her heart without him.

They never did finish the book.

“It’s my favourite,” Sadie told the customer in front of her now, ringing the book through and taking her payment before she wished her a good night.

Not long after Brian had left last May, she’d quit her shitty office job, enrolled at the community college, and took a job at a hole-in-the-wall bookstore in town. The job paid peanuts, but if there was one thing she’d learned from her two weeks with Brian, it was that there was never enough time to love what you love, so you might as well surround yourself in it while you can. Plus, she got a sweet discount.

Sadie looked at the clock and automatically did the math like she always did -- it was almost 9 o’clock, which made it almost 11 in New York. As she pulled her store keys from her pocket and headed to the front door to lock it, she wondered if he’d call her tonight. She hoped so. He’d told her when they'd talked earlier that week that he was going for drinks with the guys this weekend so she wouldn’t be surprised if he drunk-dialed her. She wouldn’t be disappointed, either -- Brian was usually a happy drunk. He always made her laugh.

Before she could reach the door, though, it swung open. “Sorry, we’re closed,” she called, walking faster to stop them at the door before they could wander in and claim they’d just be a minute. “Oh. Fuck. Hey.”

It was even worse than an errant customer; it was her ex. The stupid charming asshole she’d wasted 13 years on and who loved to keep her small. Jack Foley had his foot in the door so she couldn’t close it on him. “Oh fuck, hey, to you too,” he said, smiling that shark’s grin she’d once been so nervous around. “I just wanted to grab one thing.”

“Get it tomorrow,” she said. “We’re closed.”

“Even for me?”

“Especially for you,” she said. “Please move so I can lock the door.”

Jack looked her up and down. “You look happy, Sadie.”

She frowned. “What?”

“You were smiling to yourself when you walked up to the door,” he said. “Thinking about someone?”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “I have shit to do, Jack.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jack said. “Still with that guy from New York?”

“Move.”

“I’m happy for you, kid,” Jack said, not budging an inch. “Honestly. Last spring, when I saw you two together at the pub I was like, well fuck. Sadie never looked at me like that.”

Sadie didn’t mean to, but she smiled. She couldn’t help it.

“Look at that smile,” Jack chuckled. “You’re crazy about him.”

She shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Must be hard. The distance, I mean.”

“Sometimes,” she admitted.

“I bet,” he said. “But I’ll let you close up shop. Even though I’m going to cry myself to sleep without the next book in the Wheel of Time series.”

“Mustn’t have needed it that bad if you waited until close to come get it,” she said, although she felt herself relenting, like she always did.

“I literally just finished book 12 ten minutes ago,” he said. “I threw it across the room and jumped in the car.”

Sadie laughed without thinking. She remembered his love of fantasy well. That, at least, had been genuine. Maybe that was why they’d lasted as long as they had despite how much they’d disliked each other deep down -- they’d both spent all their time disappearing into other people’s stories. “Fucking fine,” she said. “Go get it.”

With a victorious whoop, Jack slipped past her like he hadn’t had a doubt she’d give in. She locked the door behind him so no one else could come in while he dashed into the store and made a beeline for sci-fi/fantasy.

“You’re the best, Sades,” he called from across the store. “Hey, need a ride home?”

+

Joe Gatto would kill Brian Quinn if he fucked this up.

He stood at the sink in the men’s room, washing his hands, steaming mad. He wasn’t like Sal, who could sit beside Brian with concern in his eyes but not wanting to make a scene. Sure, Sal had held Brian’s hand through more shit than Joe had, more than anybody had, and as a result Sal was gentle-hearted towards him in a way no one else knew how to be. Joe, on the other hand, was a big believer in tough love and was therefore torn between wanting to give him a bear hug and cuff him upside the head, because the big oaf was his own worst enemy. His bullshit antics tonight were proof of that. Usually only Murr made him this mad.  

He guessed it was because there was a nice girl a five-hour flight away without a clue her heart was at stake tonight. Joe had had a soft spot for sweet Sadie Waters since the night he met her, here in this very bar not quite a year ago, and the fact that her heart got a little closer to getting broken every time this fan touched Brian’s leg under the table made Joe want to make a real goddamn scene.  

It was after midnight and Joe needed to get home to his family. He turned off the tap and dried his hands and made up his mind. He’d give Brian an out, tell him it was time to go and he’d give him a ride home. Brian was a bull in a china shop, yes, but he loved Sadie. Joe was sure that was all it would take to stop him from doing something he’d regret in a couple of hours.

But then Joe got back to their horseshoe-shaped booth.

The girl was gone.

So was Brian.

“Hey,” Joe said to Sal and Murr. “Where the fuck’d Q go?”

Sal shrugged as he took a drink of his beer.

The corner of Murr’s mouth lifted in an unhappy smile as he nodded towards the door. “He said he had to make a phone call.”

+

Feet aching, Sadie tossed her keys onto the counter and poured herself a generous glass of wine. Glad to finally be home, she picked up her cat, Scout, tucked her under her arm, sulked into the living room under a grey cloud, and curled up on the couch. Hopefully a good wine buzz would soften her thoughts.

She lived in a small town; she was bound to cross paths with her ex. And New York was a big city; Brian was bound to be busy. But still, the combination of seeing Jack and not hearing from Brian had put her in a bad mood, especially now that it was well after midnight where he was. It wasn’t like he’d said he’d call, and it wasn’t like she couldn’t call _him;_ it was just that Jack had a way of getting into her head even after all this time and hearing Brian’s voice would make her feel better. She missed him, that’s all.

Sadie was topping up her wine glass and thinking about distracting herself with homework when suddenly her phone rang from inside her purse. She sloshed her wine as she set the bottle down and rummaged through her bag for the phone. Seeing _Brian Quinn_ on the caller ID sent a dizzy wave through her warmer than any wine, and she happily put the phone to her ear and smiled, “Hey, you.”

“Hi Sadie,” Brian said, slurring a little on the _S._

“I was just thinking about you,” she said, taking her wine glass back to the living room, where she sat down beside her cat.

“Me too,” he said. “I was thinking about you too.”

She scratched Scout behind the ear. “What were you thinking?”

“That I love you,” he said, the slur now loud and clear. “And I wish you were here instead of everyone else.”

She almost laughed; he was drunk as hell. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'd trade the whole goddamn city for you."

Sadie smiled. “How drunk are you?”

“Wee bit,” he said. “I fucking miss you, Sadie.”

“I miss you too,” she said, a twinge of worry settling in her stomach because he sounded sad. “Did you have a bad night? Where are you right now?”

“I was with my friends,” he said. “Now I’m in a cab.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?” she asked, the sad little promise they’d made each other never far from her mind. Her heart always soared when he called, but every time she picked up the phone there was still a part of her that wondered if this call would be the one where he told her he’d met someone. “Did you do something stupid?”

“No,” he said, so quickly she knew he was telling the truth.

But he also answered so quickly that she could hear some guilt in it, too. “Something stupid almost happened, though?”

If there was one thing Sadie had come to both love and hate about Brian Quinn, it was that he was painfully honest. He didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, not even close, but if you asked, he’d tell. She braced herself for whatever truth he was about to drop on her, already trying to decide where she’d draw the line. She hadn’t loved Jack half as much as she loved Brian, and she’d let him kick away the lines she’d drawn over and over for 13 years.

Suddenly, she realized she’d put up with so much shit from Jack because she hadn’t cared. Not about him, not about herself. But with Brian? Jesus Christ. He could crush her from the other end of this phone call. If he'd so much as kissed someone else's cheek, she was done. She’d never talk to him again; she knew that with all her heart. She loved him too much.

“This girl came over to our table and I flirted back too much,” he said at last, and Sadie held her fucking breath. “I bought her a drink.”

“Okay,” Sadie said slowly. “What else?”

“She touched my leg under the table and asked if I wanted to get out of there,” he said. “I said yes and got up and got in a cab and now I’m talking to you.”

"Alone?"

"Alone."

Sadie exhaled. “That’s it? You just left?"

“Yeah. I fucking bolted. I didn’t even say goodbye to Joe,” he said. “He was shooting fucking daggers at me all night so I should probably text him after we hang up. I was being shitty and I’m sorry.”

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I was shitty."

She shook her head. “It’s been 10 months, Brian,” she said. “You’ve literally never been with anyone else this whole time?”

“No,” he said. “This was the closest to stupid I’ve gotten.”

“Okay.”

“I told you I’d tell you anyway, remember? We promised.” Brian cleared his throat when she didn’t say anything. “You believe me, right?”

“Yeah,” she said, feeling flattened by her sudden realization of how much she actually fucking loved him.

“Are you mad?”

“I mean, I’m not doing cartwheels,” she said, taking another sip of wine while she pictured him sitting in their horseshoe booth next to another girl. “But I’m glad you called.”

“Me too,” he said, sounding terribly relieved.

“I was hoping you would, actually.”

“Yeah?” His voice turned to gravel, a tone she’d heard many times when their calls turned to phone sex. “Sure wish I wasn’t in a cab right now.”

She laughed. “Dream on,” she said. “You didn’t cross any lines but you definitely didn’t put me in the mood.”

“Fair.”

“I was hoping you’d call because I wanted to talk to you,” she said. “I did something kind of stupid too. I don’t know how you’ll feel about it.”

Brian froze on the line for a second. Then, in the same deep gravelly tone, just darker, he asked, “Your ex?”

“What? No.” Sadie shook her head, grossed out. “He showed up at my store tonight and offered me a ride home but I didn’t take it.”

“Why did he offer you a ride? Does he drive you home?”

“Oh ho ho ho,” Sadie laughed. “Listen to the jealousy coming from flirt of the night over here.”

“Sorry,” Brian muttered. “I just hate that guy.”

“He showed up right at closing and I let him come in to get his stupid book and then I walked home feeling like a doormat,” Sadie said. “So don’t worry, I still hate him too.”

“I want to punch his fucking lights out.”

Sadie smirked. She wouldn’t stop him. But she hoped he’d never have to though, because she had bigger plans for her future than stick around and let that asshole show up and ruin her night. Once upon a time, she could fool herself into thinking that how bright her future had nothing to do with whether or not Brian was in it, but as it turned out, her heart was a little more tangled up than that. She was nervous. She didn't know what he'd say.

“What is it?” he asked, suddenly more sober.

Sadie bit her lip and then just went for it. “So there’s this thing,” she said. “It’s this writing workshop that’s kind of a big deal and I’d actually get university credit for it and it would also look really good on my transcript if I decide to go for my masters.”

“Okay,” Brian said slowly, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I know we were talking about you coming out here for your vacation in July,” she said. “But this would go all summer.”

“Oh,” he said, deflated. “I mean, no, fuck, that’s not what I meant. That’s great. Are you crazy? Go for it, sweetheart. You’re a shoe-in.”

“Well, yeah, I already applied,” she said. “And I found out today that I got accepted. It starts in three weeks.”

“Jesus, look at you,” he said, and she smiled wide at the sound of pride in his voice. “Congratulations, Sadie.”

“Thanks,” she said happily.

“Maybe I could still come visit you,” he said. “Where is it?”

“That’s the thing,” she said. “It’s in New York.”

“New York?” Brian squawked.

“New York,” she grinned.

“New York!” he yelled.

“New York!” she laughed.

“Sadie!” he exclaimed, and then suddenly there was shuffling and mumbling on the other end of the line. Sadie frowned, a little concerned. After a brief moment, Brian came back and said “Sorry. I just tried to fist bump the seat in front of me and the cab driver didn’t appreciate it.”

They both laughed, their joy rising together just like it always had, since that first day on the bench in Washington Square Park. She wished she could touch him; she wished she could grin up at him and follow him to a dive bar to celebrate and stumble home together. But soon, that’s exactly what they’d be doing Soon, they'd be together again.

“You’re coming back,” he said softly, and she could hear the smile in it.

“I’m coming back,” she said with a smile of her own.  

Time for the marvels to make a new disaster of themselves.


	2. we'd share each other like an island, until exhausted, close our eyelids

Brian should’ve left earlier, but it was the Friday before a long weekend and work was hectic right up until the last minute. All he wanted was to get the hell out of here, but was stopped by no less than four people as he gathered his bag and tried to leave set.

“Hey Q,” Pete started, coming up to him with a clipboard in hand. “Before you go--”

“Nope, sorry, already gone,” Brian said, throwing his hat on and grabbing his car keys. “Bye!”

“Q,” Joe called, pardoning himself from his chat with Murr and Sal to intercept Brian. “Hold up, buddy.”

Brian didn’t slow down, nearly laughing with exasperation. “What!”

“Say hi to Sadie for us,” Joe told him. “And bring her around sometime, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Brian said, unable to hide his dumb grin.

“Q!” Sal called, beaming when Brian shot him a dirty look. “You’re coming to my show tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, we’ll be there,” Brian said impatiently, walked a couple of feet, and then stopped and looked back, arms spread at his side, annoyed. “I look okay?”

“Like a million bucks,” Joe replied while Sal and Murr gave him four thumbs up. “Honestly, you’re just going to confuse her. She’ll be wandering around looking for a homeless guy in a cat shirt and probably walk right past you.”

Brian laughed. “Thanks Joey, go fuck yourself.”

“Hey Q!” Murr called.

Brian turned back, ready to murder. “What, you asshole?”

Murr smiled serenely. “Bye.”

Brian took a deep breath and held it as he stormed away, a grin betraying his grumpiness. “I fucking quit the show,” he laughed.

The jokers’ cackles got lost in the smattering of cheers and _go get her, tiger_ catcalls from the crew as Brian waved curtly over his shoulder and rushed off set in search of his car half a block away. They’d been shooting near their office in downtown Manhattan today, so he still had a 40-minute drive to JFK, assuming the traffic wasn’t bullshit, which it probably would be. Sadie had said she could just catch a cab, but there was no way he was letting her get off that plane without being there to greet her. Her flight landed in an hour, so he needed to get his ass in gear.

Sadie liked to listen to albums with the songs out of order, so he put _1989_ on shuffle in her honour as he sped down the freeway and hoped he didn’t get a ticket. It didn’t feel real, her being back, almost a year after she’d left, but what did feel 100% real was how fucking crazy he still was about her. That hadn’t changed. He hoped it never did.

He was a pessimist by nature, and he’d been burned too badly to consider himself a romantic, no matter how in love he was. Sometimes he wondered if he and Sadie would work so well without the long distance and sweet little snippets of time together, where everything was magnified and desperate and just a little more beautiful because there was always an ending around the corner. When you don’t have much time with someone, you bite your tongue and behave and do everything you can to be the best version of yourself, the golden version they bring out of you. Maybe it would be different if she ever actually did move here. 

Of course he was excited to see her, but he was also a little nervous, especially after the close encounter with the fan he’d had three weeks ago. That wasn’t who he was, and that wasn’t the guy Sadie deserved, and even though he hadn’t crossed a line, he felt shitty about it. But it wasn’t even just that: he knew himself and how hard to live with he was, how down he could get and how shitty it was to be around him sometimes, and he hoped to God he didn’t fuck this up like he always did. The difference with Sadie was that he loved her enough to do his best, his most golden.  

Brian liked to do things the hard way, because then he got to prove himself, and that was exactly what he wanted to do for Sadie. It had already been hard enough. He just wanted this summer to be perfect.

“Welcome to New York” came on just as the rain started to pour. He smiled and took that as a good omen.

Naturally, the traffic was indeed bullshit, even though he’d left Manhattan before rush hour, but he managed to stop at a drugstore (Sadie got sinus headaches on airplanes) and make it to the airport (with no time to spare). It took him a couple of loops around but he eventually found the international terminal, and then once he’d found a spot in short-term parking, paid the toll, and dashed inside, it took him another couple of minutes to find the Arrivals board, get his bearings, and figure out which way to go.

He was out of breath and a little sweaty, and it wasn’t until he’d finally found the right gate and looked around at the other men holding flowers as they waited for loved ones that he realized he was showing up empty-handed. But it was too late, because travelers were pouring into Arrivals. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this nervous.

Stomach flipping, Brian took off his hat and ran a hand over his hair as he stood at the back and watched faces for the one he wanted to see. He left his sunglasses on for fear of someone recognizing him and taking him away from her. He couldn’t fucking wait to see her.

But when the herd of passengers became a trickle, he frowned. He double-checked his watch and the gate number, worried he’d gotten one of them wrong, or that maybe she’d missed her flight.

He pulled out his phone to see if she’d texted him. Nothing. Maybe there was another flight coming from Calgary and she was on the next one.

Or, worst of all, maybe she’d changed her mind entirely -- they’d had a fight on the phone last week about her staying with him instead of at a dorm. She wanted to give him his space and he thought that was absolute horse shit, and maybe she took his offense to heart and got cold feet and she wasn’t coming and he’d have to go back into work on Monday and tell everyone. That would be more painful than any punishment they could come up with.

He pulled out his phone to find the email she’d forwarded him with her itinerary. No, this was the right flight number.  She should be here.

And then he looked back up at the crowd and saw her.

“Hey,” he grinned before he’d even moved a muscle, all his worries vanishing as he launched forward and cut through the passengers milling around to get to her, hooking his sunglasses into his shirt collar as he went. He felt the last 10 months break off of him when she spotted him coming towards her and rushed to him. When she smiled the happiest smile he’d ever seen, he laughed helplessly at the sight of it and opened his arms to her. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Sadie laughed back, dropping her carry-on bag and wrapping her arms around his neck as they collided. “Hi hi hi hi,” she whispered when he lifted her off her feet and swung her around and she tucked her face into the hollow of his neck and he planted a kiss on her shoulder while he breathed her in. For a long moment, all they could do was whisper hello and hold on.

Brian needed to see her face again so he set her down and drank her in with a grin. “Jesus Christ,” he said. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I want to cry,” she said, smiling back as she looked up at him. “Look at you.”

He laughed, suddenly a little shy. It was so fucking ridiculous, but this 42-year-old man had a goddamn crush on this girl, and here she was, in his arms, taking his inventory in a way that made him feel adored. “Yeah, you like it?” he asked, taking his hat off and scruffing up his hair self-consciously. “I decided to keep it short.”

“You’re a silver fox,” Sadie said, running her fingers through it. “I don’t know what I’m going to hold onto in the throes of passion later, but it’s awfully handsome.”

Brian grinned, throwing an arm around her shoulders, and finally kissed her. He didn’t want to make a scene, not when the airport was definitely a place he could be recognized at, but he also couldn’t help it, because she was here and she was warm and sweet and real and she was back. It was like their first kiss all over again, like they were up against the wall in that Manhattan dive bar on 3rd Street, not caring who bumped into them, because this was deep and sure and finally, her knee pressed between his legs as he kissed her hard enough she arched backwards under the will of it. She was home. She was his.

“Good Lord,” Sadie said when they broke away, her cheeks flushed from being both bashful and aroused. She smiled sheepishly at an older woman looking at them like they were the scandal of the year. “Talk about a welcoming committee.”

Brian kept his arm around her, grinning proudly. “How was your flight?”

“I have a headache,” she laughed, trying but failing to not be pitiful as she ducked her head against his chest. “My sinuses always go crazy when I fly.”

“That sucks,” he said. “But I picked up some Tylenol on my way to the airport for you.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I remember your headache on our flight last year,” he said. “Do you want me to run to the car and get it?”

“No,” Sadie said, slipping her arms around his waist, latched onto him like a smitten little koala bear. “I’m far too in love with you to let you out of my sight right now.”

Brian smiled and tightened his hold on her, resting a hand on her head as he stroked her hair, hoping this helped. They waited for her suitcase at the baggage claim, silent and still, heartbeats matching, pulses together, far too in love.

He kissed the top of her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She tilted her head back so that she could meet his next kiss. “Me neither.”

+

Sadie had a spring in her step as she followed Brian through the airport terminal. Fingers laced together, he pulled her suitcase while she took care of her carry-on, all she had for the next three months, and it struck her how natural it felt to be walking beside him again. It had been so long, and in reality, they’d only had ten days physically together, but she fit right at his side like she’d never left.

Even when a family recognized him and stopped him to ask for selfies, his hand never lingered too far from hers, as if to say _you’re here, I won’t forget._ She was invisible to them, but not to him. Apparently all she needed to feel like she belonged somewhere was fly to the other side of the continent and meet Brian Quinn.

After they said goodbye to the family, Brian and Sadie found the exit and stepped outside and she was delighted to see the rain. It felt good on her dry prairie skin and the chill soothed her headache, and it reminded her of the night they’d sat in his backyard and watched the thunderstorm together, a memory she’d returned to many times since she’d left New York.

“Hopefully you get some good storms this summer,” Brian said after the bags were in the back. He opened the car door for her and let her climb in. “We usually do.”

“I can’t wait,” she said before he shut the door and jogged around to the other side.

He slid into the driver’s seat and grabbed a plastic bag from the backseat and handed it to her. “I forgot to get you flowers but here’s some drugs,” he said.

Sadie laughed. “Even better,” she said, breaking into childproof Tylenol bottle, and then she took two pills with a sip of her water. Then, just to be on the safe side, popped one more. “Thanks, Brian.”

He waved off her gratitude and gave her a wolfish smile. “Bad night for a headache.”

“I’ll say,” she said, forgetting all about it as he leaned across the gear shift to kiss her. Without an audience, they could kiss each other like they meant it, and they did. It was all so familiar, his thumb lining her jaw, his stubble scraping her skin, the growl he made at the back of his throat, and it took all she had not to climb on his lap right there in the short-term parking lot.

His elbow bumped the wheel, the horn blaring and ruining the moment. They laughed as they broke away, and then recoiled when they looked out the window and saw the same scandalized woman from before passing by and looking at them like they were true deviants. When she was gone, they burst into a new batch of laughter and Brian kissed her again before he started the car and said, “We should probably get the fuck home.”

“Definitely,” she said, and then grimaced as he backed out of their spot and drove to the exit. “Oh no.”

Brian shot a concerned look at her. “What?”

“I forgot how hot you are driving stick.”

He grinned. “If I get a speeding ticket, it’s your fault.”

“It’s your fault!” she laughed. “I’m just sitting here innocently.”

“Yeah, right,” he said, arching an eyebrow at her. “I know how your mind works.”

“Drive,” Sadie ordered, their laughter warm and full inside the car. She looked over at him and felt safe and sound. “Did you have a nice day?”

Brian looked back at her and smiled. “Well, yeah,” he said. “You’re here.”

“Sure am,” she said, looking out the window as they blurred past construction and New York State license plates. “I can’t believe I was at work last night getting yelled at for selling Harry Potter and now I’m here with you.”

“Someone yelled at you?” he asked. “I’ll kill them.”

Sadie grinned. “I’ll miss my little bookstore, but not as much as I missed you.”

Their elbows pressed together on the armrest between them, they talked about the book she’d read on the plane and her writing workshop that started on Tuesday and the challenge they’d filmed today and the punishment he’d come up with for Murr next week. They’d Skyped and talked on the phone at least once a week since they were together last June, so they didn’t have much to catch up on, but they both talked a mile a minute, trying to fit it all in, as if they couldn’t quite believe their time wasn’t running out. It wasn’t until they talked about their plans for next weekend that it sank in she was really staying.

“That reminds me,” Brian said, cheerful despite being stuck full-stop in rush hour traffic. “Sal’s doing stand up tomorrow if you want to go.”

Sadie smiled; she’d missed Sal. “I’d love to.”

“Good, because I already told him we would.”

She glanced over at him with a playful look. “Hey, maybe we can fuck in the bathroom again.”

Brian stared at her. “You sitting there innocently didn’t last long, did it?”

Sadie sighed. “We haven’t had sex since last June and that was fine but somehow this car ride is the most agonizing bullshit I’ve ever endured.”

“Goddammit,” he said, his chuckle coming out a little hot and bothered. “We still have like 45 minutes to go.”

“Well, I’m going to die.”

Brian laughed, taking his hand off the gear shift to slide over her leg. His palm traveled up and down her thigh before his hand came to a stop at her kneecap. “Fuck, it feels good to touch you again.”

Sadie groaned with her temple resting against the passenger side window, her hand covering Brian’s. “Don’t you dare start dirty talking to me right now, Quinn.”

Brian smiled at her. “Me?”

She shook her head. “Not when we’re stuck in traffic. Please.”

“Hmm.” Brian rested his forearm on the steering wheel as he turned to look at her like he wanted to rip her clothes off with his teeth. “Remember that time I called you after a show before I had to go do a meet and greet?”

“That wasn’t my fault,” she said.

“I was just calling to ask how your cat’s check-up went,” Brian went on. “Because I’m a good boyfriend.”

“Your voice was all husky,” she protested. “What was I supposed to do?”

“Not tell me you were naked.”

“Well, you asked me how I was.”

“Not tell me you wanted my face between your legs.”

“That might have been a little forward, yes.”

Brian laughed. “I was in a room full of people.”

“And then you _weren’t_ in a room full of people,” she said.

“Yeah, because I had to go jerk off in the bathroom with you whispering the dirtiest filth imaginable in my ear,” Brian said. “And then I had to go be a normal person. This is revenge for that.”

“It’s not even remotely the same,” Sadie said. “We were a million miles away then. Now we’re two inches away and stuck in traffic. This is way more torturous.”

“Are we really arguing about who’s more of a villain for turning the other one on at inappropriate times?”

“Yes, but we should stop,” she said. “Arguing with you is kind of foreplay all on its own.”

“It is?”

“You get so huffy.”

He huffed. “And that turns you on?”

She cracked a smile. “I said we should stop.”

Brian grinned back. They were putty in each other’s hands. The traffic inched forward, and he struggled to keep his eyes on the road when she was right beside him, wanting him like he wanted her. Many of their late night calls had turned dirty, and some of their mid-day ones too, but he didn’t even need her voice to get him worked up. He’d be sitting in a meeting or at a dinner or riding the subway and she’d cross his mind and suddenly he’d be fighting an erection like a goddamn fiend. Most nights he went to sleep with nothing but his hand and memories for company, and to be quite honest, the fact that she was finally next to him with sex on the brain was nearly enough to make him flip his turn signal on and pull over and do all the things they’d been whispering about since June.

“Back home, traffic is a tractor and a couple of tumbleweeds,” Sadie said when he didn’t say anything. She gestured grumpily out the window as the car ahead of them came to a complete stop again and Brian had to brake. “This is ridiculous, I mean--”

Brian whipped his seatbelt off and lunged across the gear shift to crush his lips to hers. Pinning her up against the passenger door, he didn’t care if anyone saw them in their rearview mirror; he just needed his tongue in her mouth and his hand under her t-shirt and her panting in his ear, and he couldn’t wait until they got home.

Sadie shifted under his touch, sliding lower in her seat, her knees parting as she reached for his belt buckle to pull him closer. She nipped his earlobe between her teeth when his mouth went straight for the spot on her neck that he knew drove her crazy.

“Get this off,” he growled, unbuckling her seatbelt, both of them so flustered it took teamwork to pull the strap from across her body. With the seatbelt off, his hands roamed under her shirt, her breasts full and his touch rough, and Sadie arched against him. He pressed his kiss to her temple as his hand travelled lower and then his lips brushed her ear as he whispered, “Think I could make you come right now?”

“Yeah,” she gasped as he slid his hand down and rubbed his open palm over her through her jeans. Her stomach tightened at the pressure and her clit throbbed and she grinded into his hand, wanting more.

“Why did you wear jeans,” he grumbled as he unbuttoned them so he could work his hand inside, stopping to kiss her when she raked her fingers through his hair.

It was a tight fit, but he slipped his hand into her jeans, then into her panties, moaning when he felt how wet she was, and then the car behind them honked its horn.

“Fuck,” he muttered when their heads snapped up to see the car ahead was way ahead of them and now they were the ones holding up traffic. He pulled his hand out of her jeans as she whimpered _no_ and then quickly pulled ahead, offering a sheepish wave of apology to the car behind them. “All right, all right,” he barked when the car just laid on its horn furiously in response. “Jesus.”

They caught up to the flow of traffic, now out of the worst of it, both of them mostly silent other than their breathy laughter and groans of frustration. Sadie bit her lip when he looked over at her with a smile and licked his fingers clean.

“Goddamn you,” she laughed, so turned on she could cry. And then, out of nowhere, she yawned.

Brian huffed. “Did I put you to sleep?”

“No,” Sadie huffed back, and then yawned again. “I’m just really tired all of a --” She cut herself off and scrambled for the drugstore bag, pulling out the Tylenol box to read the instructions. “Brian Quinn, you fucking dummy of a sweetheart.”

“What?” he demanded.

“May cause drowsiness and can be used as a sleep aid,” she read, and then laughed in horror. “This is the night-time kind.”

He took his eyes off the road to look over at her. “Well, fuck,” he said. “I was wondering why the box had a moon on it.”

She stared at him in disbelief. "The second I get to New York, you drug me," she said. "My mom warned me about boys like you."

"I'm sorry!" Brian insisted, and then honked at some asshole from Jersey who cut him off. "What else does it say?"

Sadie shook her head as she continued to read. “Recommended dosage: one every eight to ten hours.”

“How many did you take?”

“Three!” she laughed.

“Jesus Christ,” he said. “What a couple of idiots.”

Sadie yawned helplessly. “I’m going to be out like a light in like an hour,” she said.

Neither knew what to do so they just laughed. “I’m so mad,” he chuckled, ready to throttle the steering wheel. “I sabotaged your first night back. We were going to have so much sex.”

Sadie snorted. “I guess that makes tonight’s loser you and me.”

“Worst punishment ever,” he grumbled. He glanced over at her, smiling grumpily at her sleepy face. “Put your seatbelt back on.”

She sighed and did as she was told.

“Now get over here,” he said, placing a hand on her leg and kissing the top of her head when she slid closer and leaned against his shoulder. “Let’s get you home.”


	3. the bed is unmade, like everything is

Sadie managed to stay awake long enough to walk through the front door, kick off her shoes, climb the stairs, take two sips from the glass of water Brian brought her, and lay down on top of the covers on his bed. She was asleep the second she closed her eyes.

 By the time she woke up, clear-headed and well-rested, it was a little after five in the morning, and she’d slept so hard that at first she didn’t know where she was. These weren’t her striped sheets or her cats at the end of the bed, and that wasn’t her moon or her bay shining in the window.

But that was her boy, and this was where she belonged.

Soft and quiet, Sadie took a moment to let it all sink in. She realized there was a light blanket over both of them, and that Brian was sleeping next to her on top of the covers too. He was sleeping on his back, an arm crooked over his head, hogging most of the bed and looking goddamn adorable doing it. She stayed curled up like that for a long time as the sky lightened to neon blue, relishing in the delight of not having to go anywhere, and then her bladder refused to be ignored any longer. She kissed his shoulder and slid out of bed, careful not to wake him.

When she was done in the bathroom, she decided she should probably go find her phone and text her mom to let her know she was okay. She crept into the hallway and down the stairs, which still creaked like banshees, and found her carry-on bag where she’d left it hanging on the bannister. She grimaced when she turned on her phone to an onslaught of texts from her mom in varying degrees of worried.

 _Sorry - zonked out,_ Sadie wrote. _Made it to new york safe and sound. Don’t worry, all is lovely._

She slipped the phone into her back pocket -- she couldn’t believe she’d been back with Brian for nearly 12 hours and she was still wearing her stupid jeans -- and then wandered down the hall before she could stop herself. She’d fallen in love here. She couldn’t resist.

Everything was exactly as she remembered it, like time hadn’t been here at all. Sadie passed the same pictures in the hall, and glanced over the same books and movies on his shelves, smiled at the same cat hair on the curtains, and leaned against the same kitchen counter where he’d backed her up and made her come for the first time. Suddenly, it felt like no time had passed, even though so much had.

Sometimes she hadn’t known if they’d survive. Sometimes their feelings for each other felt like rubble they’d never crawl out of. Sometimes she marveled at the beauty of what they had and sometimes she lost sleep over how devastating the end would be. But here she was, back where it all began, standing in the kitchen where she’d fallen so in love, everything perfectly preserved. Just like them.

Sadie went to the back door and looked outside. The sun was struggling to rise behind gentle rain clouds and a cardinal hopped around in a puddle on the ground, the foliage just as wild and green as it had been last year. She remembered kissing him outside during a downpour and she couldn’t wait to do it again. She couldn’t wait to read and write and kiss and drink coffee with him outside on that back stoop, rain or shine. Like Brian, life had cured Sadie of any chance at being a hopeless romantic, but she loved him enough that she couldn’t think of a single thing that could make this summer less than perfect.

“There you are,” Brian said from behind her, and she turned to see him padding across the kitchen in his boxers toward her, wiping sleep from his eyes. “What are you doing up?”

“Prowling,” Sadie replied, smiling at what a sweet sight he was.

His voice was husky and softer than usual, full of sleep, as he wrapped an arm around her back and kissed her forehead. “When you weren’t there I thought I’d just dreamt you were back.”

“I'm sorry,” she said, leaning into him, his bare skin cool and familiar. “I couldn’t get back to sleep so I went for a little wander.”

“Didn’t get too far.”

She shook her head. “Didn’t want to.” Her arms locked behind his back. “I missed it here.”

“It was a little lonely without you too,” he said. Still sleepy, his hand drifted its way under the back of her shirt. “I’m not used to anyone being here when I wake up.”

She rested her cheek on his shoulder and pressed closer. “Is it okay?”

His thumb slipped under the band of her bra. “It’s very good.”

Sadie smiled. “Thanks.”

“Feeling better?”  

“Completely,” she said. “I had an amazing sleep.”

“I know you did,” he said. “You slept like a log on my arm so long I was starting to worry I’d have to amputate.”

Sadie laughed. “I can’t promise that’ll be the last time I do that.”

“It certainly wasn’t the first,” he said, smiling into her hair. He kissed her temple as her hands settled on the waistband of his boxers. “Come back to bed?”

“I like the sound of that,” she whispered, tilting her head back as he took her face in his hands and kissed her. It started off lazy and sleepy, but he seemed to wake up the deeper it got. Brian had always had a gentle way of using his strength, and he kissed her like that: soft and rough all at once. He pressed his knee between her legs and growled into the kiss and she broke away with a whimper. “I don’t know if we’re even going to make it upstairs.”

“Who cares,” he muttered, fingers unbuttoning her jeans.

As if on cue, his trio of cats skipped into the kitchen, singing the song of their people. Their strident demands for food were too loud to ignore, and Sadie found herself laughing while Brian turned to give them a look of betrayal. “Really, guys?”

“Feed your children,” Sadie laughed, patting his arm. “I’ll be upstairs.”

“If you’re still wearing clothes when I get up there, you’re in trouble,” Brian told her, smacking her on the ass as she passed him, playful but also brimming with frustration. She tossed a look over her shoulder that was both flirty and challenging before she left the kitchen.

He watched her go, listening to the sound of stairs creaking under her feet above him, and then whipped open the cupboard to pull out the cats’ food as quickly as he could. He babbled to them as he always did, and they chirped back, circling through his legs as they brushed up against him adoringly, but he didn’t have time to talk this morning. He gave them each a quick scritch as they chowed down, and then dashed up the stairs, only to find Sadie crouched on the floor and rooting through her suitcase, fully clothed.

“What did I just say?” Brian demanded, grinning when she smiled back defiantly.

“I figured I should probably shower,” Sadie said with an innocent shrug. “I was looking for my shampoo.”

“Shower after,” he said, crossing the room. He took hold of the hem of her shirt and pulled her up with it while pulling it over her head in the same rough motion. “I want this dirty.”

Brian Quinn hadn’t made love a day in his life, and Sadie knew it, and that was why she couldn’t get enough of him. She didn’t want him sweet. She wanted him like this. The rougher he was, the more turned on he was, the more he cared, the more he wanted you to feel exactly how much he felt for you. She grinned up at him, biting her bottom lip to provoke him. “How dirty?” she asked.

“Don’t you start,” he laughed, grasping her by the hips and tossing her onto the bed. He crawled on top of her, a hand taking hold of her thigh, sliding under her ass and under her back to unhook her bra, his mouth never leaving hers. “Oh my God,” he muttered as he tossed her bra to the floor, his eyelids going heavy at the sight of her almost naked underneath him, and then pulled her jeans off and threw them on the floor too.

Arms on either side of her, he pressed his erection against her, both of them still in their underwear, their thrusts meeting each other full force, the friction hot and maddening. She just wanted him to fuck her, but she also just wanted to see what else he had up his sleeve for her, and she let out a little yelp when he pulled her panties off and shucked his boxers, because finally after months of waiting, she was about to find out all over again.

Hooking his arms under her knees, he locked her in place with her legs over his shoulders and moved down the bed, giving her a wolfish look before he buried his face between her legs. Sadie gasped, remembering this, missing this, needing this. Brian wasted no time in getting reacquainted as he ate her out like he was starving, tongue roaming deep and wild, moaning just as much as she did. He slipped two fingers inside her core and made a beckoning motion with them as they pumped in and out of her and his tongue went to her clit.

“Holy shit,” Sadie breathed, reaching down and placing her hand on his bobbing head. “Holy shit holy shit holy shit.”

“Uh huh,” he managed, not stopping.

When he felt her thighs begin to shudder, he reached up with his free hand, grasping her breast as rough and sweet as he did everything else, but he didn’t lift his head. She bucked her hips, and his hand and tongue followed her motions, never stopping, not when she croaked his name or squeezed her knees tight against his head or when she came. Not when she pulled a pillow over her face to cry out into; not when she dug her heel into his back or came for a second time, even more violently than the first.

“Jesus, I can’t,” she gasped, raw and vulnerable and losing control as she wrapped her legs around him.

“One more,” he growled, licking a stripe up her pussy before settling in and sucking hard on her clit, tongue swirling while his cheeks hollowed out and his fingers picked up speed. When she came, she came hard, legs shaking, a current of electricity pulsing through her body that nearly gave him whiplash, and he moaned into it with one final lazy lap of his tongue. He fought the urge to wipe his mouth and then lifted himself to his hands and knees to move up the bed. He pulled the pillow away from her and tossed it on the floor so they were face to face again. “Fucking Christ, Sadie.”

She pushed herself up on her trembling elbows, almost embarrassed to see his face shining with her wetness, but kissed the hell out of him anyway. Not breaking the kiss, she reached for his cock, her hand remembering how to twist her wrist and flick her thumb over the head just right to make Brian shut his eyes.

He stilled for a moment, not even able to kiss her back, panting jaggedly until his gasp came out sharp as he pulled back. “Okay okay okay,” he blurted, pressing his lips to her forehead, cheekbone, neck while he cupped her face. “Don’t want to finish yet, sweetheart.”

“Then keep going,” she purred with an arched brow.

Brian grinned breathlessly, placing a pillow under her head, and then sat back so he was on his knees between her legs. She turned her head to kiss his wrist, and he threw her leg over his shoulder and then the other before he took his cock in his hand and entered her. They both moaned, at her tightness, at his girth, at the familiar and the finally, easily falling back into the rhythm they’d perfected so long ago.

It got hard and fast quickly and Sadie needed something to hold onto, so she buried her fist in the bedding. She bucked up as he slammed a hand against the headboard for support and fucked deeper, faster, rougher and bent over her to crash his lips against hers, sloppy and open-mouthed and off-centre. He had her practically folded in half, her ankles over his shoulders and her knees crushed to her chest, and as he built up speed and his cock hit her hard over and over in just the right spot, she made a sound too primal to be a whimper and bit down on her own knee to keep from losing it entirely.

Brian’s hand fell from the headboard to brush her hair from her face, his hands gentle but his thrusts anything but, his lips close to her ear as he whispered _come on,_ and she held her breath and he whispered _come on_ again and sat back on his haunches for better leverage, showing no mercy because he knew she was close and he wanted to make her come so hard she saw stars. He slammed into her harder than before, hips rolling quickly, getting in a good two or three thrusts between her gasps. Finally, her back arched and her legs spasmed and she raked her fingernails up his thighs as she came so hard she covered her face with her hands until it was over.

“There we fucking go,” he whispered, leaning back down to kiss her at the same time she sat up to do the same with her eyes closed, and they knocked heads together gracelessly but didn’t miss a beat or a kiss. He pulled her up and into his arms with a _come here_ and switched positions so they were both sitting and she was riding him.

“Brian,” she breathed, arms wrapped behind his neck as he pressed his face into her chest and gave her all he had left. Grunting with every thrust, his fingers left marks on her hips from gripping her too tightly as she moved up and down, and then, finally, his body shuddered, coming hard with a string of expletives as sunlight filled the room.

They breathed together, shallow and ragged, holding each other for a long moment before he kissed her shoulder and she kissed his forehead and slid off of him. She flopped back on the bed with delirious laughter and he did the same, opening his arm to her despite the fact that they were both slick with sweat.

“Good _God,”_ she muttered, her head on his chest. “I’m shaking.”

Brian smiled and smoothed down her sex hair. “You’re unreal.”

She snickered and cuddled closer. _“Now_ what?”

“Now I catch my breath,” he said.

“No kidding,” she replied. “I don’t know how we’re going to top that.”

“Got all summer to try,” he said in his gravelly voice, cupping her ass and pulling her flush against him.

Sadie hooked her ankle with his. “Can’t wait.”

“Go have your shower,” he said. “Then come back so I can get you dirty again.”

She laughed. “Already?”

He looked at her like she was crazy. “I haven’t seen you in almost a year and we don’t have anywhere to be until tonight,” he said. “I’ll get lockjaw, I don’t care.”

Sadie grinned. She didn’t know how she was going to survive this summer, but right now she didn’t care, not with him beside her. She pushed herself up and out of the bed, taking a moment to laugh at the sheets that had come undone, and left him with a kiss, knowing it wouldn’t be long before she’d be back.


	4. i'll shake this world off my shoulders; come on baby, this laugh's on me

To their surprise, by the time Brian and Sadie had dragged themselves out of bed, put clothes on, and left the house, the sun was setting.

“Well, there goes an entire day,” she said, as they set off on foot for the Staten Island ferry.

“No regrets,” he said, leading the way. “Although my jaw hurts like I’ve been chewing an entire pack of bubblegum all day.”

“Well, my vagina feels like I’ve just ridden a jackhammer across country, so I think we’re even.”

Brian laughed, but glanced over at her in concern. “Maybe we should just drive downtown?”

“Nah, I’ll make it,” she said. “Sal said he’d get us free drinks. I like free drinks.”

“Good point, me too,” he agreed, throwing an arm around her and rubbing her shoulder. “Are you going to be warm enough?”

Sadie turned and grinned up at him. “I haven’t had anyone ask me that since you.”

Brian’s smile was both taken aback and touched. “Well, then,” he said. “Good thing you’re back.”

+

They took the ferry and the subway to Manhattan, and Sadie’s eyes lit up through it all. Whether it was seeing city lights from the boat at night, going through turnstiles with her very own brand new metro card, or climbing the stairs out of the subway into the busy world of taxicabs and skyscrapers, Sadie couldn’t believe this was hers again.

She was a little nervous, too -- she didn’t know if Brian’s friends would remember her, or if she’d let her anxiety swallow her up and embarrass him in the world he belonged to -- and she found herself holding his hand too tight and walking a step behind as they entered the comedy club.

“Hey,” Brian laughed, noticing. “How can you be shy after a day like today?”

“Very easily,” she replied.

He took his hand from her and put a protective arm around her shoulders. “Come on,” he said. “They loved you then, they’ll love you now.”

Things were different now, though; she just didn’t know how to explain that to Brian. He didn’t need to know why she was worried they wouldn’t like her anymore. She didn’t want to plant that seed. But she was glad he thought so anyway.

“Where are those assholes?” he muttered, scanning the room and then looking down at his phone. “Sal said they’re here.”

Sadie spotted them first, sitting in a booth at the back, and the worry wrapped around her heart disappeared as soon as Joe saw her and smiled and yelled her name. She laughed, reaching up to interlace her fingers with the hand Brian had draped over her shoulder. “Over there.”

“Oh, in the far corner,” Brian said, heading in that direction. “Where they’re shrouded in darkness and impossible to find.”

“Adorable,” Sadie laughed as she let him take the lead. “You never let an opportunity to be grumpy pass you by.”

“Thanks for noticing,” he smiled, his grumpiness vanishing the second he looked at her. He kissed the side of her head without breaking stride. They navigated past crowded tables, drunk patrons, and busy waitresses, until they finally reached the table in the far corner of the club where the other jokers were. “Hey guys.”

They collectively ignored Brian and burst into cheers, all of them clambering over each other to get out of the booths, their arms out and reaching for Sadie. Brian stepped to the side so they could all take turns hugging her as they babbled their joy over having her back, and he smiled when he saw the look on her face as she hugged them back. She belonged here, no matter what her nervous little brain told her.

The guys all went back to their places in the booth, Murr and Joe on one side and Sal on the other. Brian slid in next to Sal and Sadie went to sit next to him, but Joe waved her over. “Come pop a squat next to me, honey,” he said.

She did, happily. She'd missed him. It was Joe Gatto who had found her crying alone on the floor last spring, having convinced herself she could never see Brian again to save their hearts the trouble, and it was Joe Gatto who had helped her to her feet and told her to get up and try anyway. The words of advice he’d given her that night were words she still thought about to this day. He didn’t have to find her or sit with her or be kind or gentle to her, but he did anyway, and she’d carried that home with her.

“It’s good to see you,” Sadie told him. “How are Bessy and the kids?”

“Oh fantastic, life’s crazy but it’s good,” he said, his energy as always dialled up to 11 as he gave her a knowing smile. “So it all worked out, huh?”

She returned the smile. “So far so good, yeah.”

“None of us had any doubt,” he told her, draping his arms behind the booth so it looked like Sadie and Murr were his hot dates. “We all knew you’d be back someday.”

“We were ready to form a coven and start doing witchcraft to bring you back,” Sal said, a delicate hand placed on Brian’s arm. “Seriously, I was willing to sacrifice Murr so Q could shut the fuck up about how much he missed you. It was insufferable.”

Sadie perched her chin on her hand. “Still jealous, I see.”

Sal grinned at her. “Are we already fighting?”

“Not yet,” she teased. “But I’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be back to normal.”

Trying not to interrupt Sadie and Sal, Brian pointed at the stack of menus that Murr had his elbow on. “Murr, can you pass a couple of those down this way? Thanks, buddy.” He took the menus from Murr and handed on across the table to Sadie. “Everything here’s good.”

Sal gave her hand a little pat before she turned her focus to the menu. “I’m happy to see you, Sadie.”

She smiled up at him. “I’m happy to see you too.”

Brian foot nudged hers under the table, and when he got her attention, he winked at her. “See?”

Nudging his foot back, she crinkled her nose at him. “I see.”

“Oh Jesus, the googly eyes have already started,” Joe announced. “You guys just got here.”

“You’re the one who let them sit across from each other,” Murr said.

“Ignore them,” Brian told Sadie. “Do you want to order food?”

Sadie nearly swooned. “Yeah, I’m starving.”

“Does anyone want to share something with me?” Sal asked. “I’m a little peckish, but not like enough for a full thing or whatever.”

“No,” Brian and Sadie said flatly in unison, not looking up from their menus.

Sal grinned, trying to look wounded at their dismissal. “So she’s back and now I’m what, chopped liver?”

“I’m hungry,” Brian said. “Don’t even think about stealing my fries.”

“Whatever, I don’t even want your gross germs,” Sal scoffed.

“Sorry Sal,” Sadie said before Brian and Sal could start throwing elbows. “We haven’t eaten.”

Murr glanced between Sadie and Brian, confused. “It’s after 9,” he said. “How have you not eaten yet?”

Brian and Sal looked at each other and then rolled their eyes while Sadie sat back in her seat and pretended to be heavily involved in her menu. Joe, on the other hand, swivelled his body so he could stare at Murr in disbelief, knowing he could turn making fun of Murr into a spectacle. “You _really_ need to ask that, you moron?”

Murr held up his hands innocently. “What? It’s past dinnertime!”

“You virgin,” Joe snorted.

“I’m not a virgin!” Murr squawked.

Joe gave him a look. “Blankies don’t count.”

Sadie slowly lowered her menu and looked over at Murr.

Brian laughed when he saw the concerned look on her face. “Murr has this ratty old blanket that he’s had since he was a kid and still sleeps with to this day,” he explained.

“We have concerns,” Sal told her.

“It feels like it might be a hostage situation at this point,” Joe said. “I’m getting shirts made that say Free The Blankie.”

“You guys are assholes,” Murr said. “Hey Sadie, know anyone back in Canada who’d want to be my new best friends?”

“Nope,” she said.

“I always knew you were a keeper,” Joe told her while the other two laughed.

The waitress stopped by and collected their food and drink orders, and Sal told them to go crazy because it was on him tonight. When their food came, Sadie let Sal share her nachos, and Brian let him have a couple of fries. It felt like that first night all over again, with Sal suggesting shots, Murr documenting the night on social media, Joe drinking a Coke and still managing to be the life of the party, and Brian and Sadie splitting a pitcher. The difference was now Sadie knew she’d be going home with the doe-eyed man across from her with his ankle and his heart hooked around hers, tonight and every other night for the next three months. The difference was that this wasn’t quite so uncertain, quite so temporary. This time, it was all for keeps. For a little while, at least.  

Later, when Joe got out to use the bathroom, Sadie slid over next to Murr, both of them rosy-cheeked from all the drinks they’d had, and talked to him about the book he had coming out next month.

“I wrote it on a dare when I was 29,” he told her. “It’s pretty surreal. I heard no so many times I never actually thought anyone else would ever read it.”

“I’m going to read the shit out of it,” she told him.

He grinned. “Thank you. Let me know what you think.”

“Of course,” she said. “I’m glad you never gave up.”

“It was these guys,” Murr said. “They didn’t let me.”

Sadie smiled. “They talk a big game,” she said. “But I think they secretly think you’re swell.”

“They think you are too,” he said. “One of them in particular.”

“Oh stop,” she laughed, but couldn’t help glancing at Brian across the table. When she saw he was already smiling back at her, butterflies flipped in her stomach like the night they first met.

“It’s not a secret,” Brian whispered, both of them grinning like a couple of idiots.

“Oh my God,” Sal muttered, appalled at this public display of cooties. “I need to go get ready for my set. Shove over.”

Brian slid out of the booth so that Sal could get out just as Joe came back. Sadie got out too so she could sit next to Brian this time.

Joe clapped Sal on the shoulder. “Break a leg, bud.”

Sal looked at Brian, who already had his arm around Sadie, the two of them lost in their own little world like they’d been separated by continents for years instead of just by a table top for an hour. He rolled his eyes as he smirked fondly. “You guys are so fucking obnoxious.”

Brian waved him away. “Go tell some jokes.”

“Oh I will,” Sal told him, standing at the head of the table. “Don’t you two go sneaking off to hook up in the bathroom.”

Sadie’s jaw dropped as she snapped a look at Brian. “You _told_ him about that?”

Brian blinked at her. “No, but you just did.”

The jokers erupted. Sadie pursed her lips together in stunned mortification, and then turned to offer her most benevolent smile to the table. “Well, goodbye, I have to go back to Canada now.”

“Do you know how unsanitary that is?!” Sal shrilled.

“What, Canada?” Sadie shrugged. “I guess a little, but we have free healthcare so it’s okay.”

Sal looked at Brian. “She thinks she’s cute, doesn’t she.”

Brian grinned. “She is.”

Sal gave Brian a pleading look. “Please tell me you didn’t actually have sex in a public bathroom.”

Brian shrugged. “We didn’t _not_ have sex in a public bathroom.”

“That’s so _gross,”_ Sal whined. “I can never shake your hand again.”

“I’ve had sex in a public bathroom,” Murr offered.

“No you didn’t, you’re a virgin,” Joe reminded him, cracking himself up.

“You’d have sex in a fucking outhouse; I already know _you’re_ disgusting,” Sal told Murr, and then turned back to Sadie and Brian. “When was this heinous act? _Tonight?”_

“Yeah, we walked in and made a beeline for the bathroom; that's why we were late,” Brian said. “No, it was last year, you idiot.”

“That comedy club wasn’t nearly as nice as this one,” Sadie added.

“It was at a comedy club?!” Sal cried. “That’s even grosser!”

Brian and Sadie low-fived, much to Sal’s chagrin.

“I, for one, am proud of you both,” Joe said. “Not to mention a little surprised.”

“Thanks, Joey,” Brian said pleasantly.

“Q, I expect it from, because he’s homeless,” Joe said. “But Sadie? A bit of a left turn there, impressions-wise.”

Sadie grinned, still whole-heartedly embarrassed, but also oddly proud. “Better hope your jokes are funny, Sal,” she said. “I can see the bathroom sign from here. It’s so tempting.”

“It’s practically a beacon,” Brian agreed.

“That’s it,” Sal said, laughing despite his outrage as he backed away from the table. “Now we’re enemies.”

Sadie laughed. “Finally.”

They all wished him luck as the waitress stopped by their table, and then ordered another round of drinks. Murr flirted with the waitress while Joe texted his wife to check in, and Brian kissed Sadie’s cheek. Lips brushing her ear, he said, “If we could get away with it, I’d say we should go for it.”

Sadie grinned. “I was thinking the same thing.”

Brian finished off his beer and sighed with a contentment he hadn’t felt in years. “That was a good night,” he said.

Sadie leaned into him and rested her hand on his leg, just as content. “So is this one.”

+

Brian found out how much harder he could love Sadie as she laughed at Sal’s jokes. That was his best buddy up there, doing what he loved most, getting the laughter and applause he deserved, and there was something about the way Sadie took such delight in someone Brian loved so much that really knocked him the fuck out.

Maybe because if it hadn’t been for Sal, he never would’ve met Sadie. Because if it hadn’t been for Sal, he might not even be here. Sometimes it hit him like a ton of bricks, how far he’d come since those horrible nights that Sal had had to reach in and pull him out of. And tonight, with his best friend on stage and his girl next to him, was one of those times. He had so much.

There was always static in his head. Some days were worse than others, but it was always there. Just this constant, crackling static that had him convinced the more he had, the more he had to lose, and he didn't even deserve it in the first place. He didn't deserve any of it, but especially not this. The show, he'd worked for, but Sadie? Not in a million years would he ever believe he deserved her. Not with this static. 

But tonight he was doing his best to ignore it. He focused on Sal’s punchlines. He focused on Sadie’s shoulders shaking with laughter and her hand on his knee and the scent of her shampoo and how much he loved everyone here. He focused on the night she was having, just wanting it to be good, making sure her glass was always full and there was always a smile on her face. She’d been back for 24 hours now and his heart hammered with the realization that he’d move fucking mountains for the girl he had his arm around, and everything was perfect.

And that scared the shit out of him.

There was still another act after Sal’s set, and Brian almost managed to sit through most of it before he couldn’t take it anymore. He kissed Sadie’s temple and then gave her a little nudge. “Can I get out, sweetheart?”

She patted his knee and slid sideways out of the booth to let Brian out, laughing at the comedian’s joke as she did.

Both of them standing at the head of the table, he put a hand on her waist and kissed her forehead. “Mind if I pop in to see Sal real quick?”

She shook her head. “Tell him he did great.”

“I will,” he said. “You’re okay here?”

“I’m good,” she smiled.

“You’re great,” he smiled back, his thumb stroking the skin under the hem of her shirt. “I’ll be right back.”

Brian went the long way around so he wasn’t walking in front of anyone, and snuck one look back at Sadie before he disappeared down the hall that would take him backstage. Her eyes were fixed on the stage. She didn’t laugh at every joke, but when she did, she really did. You always had to earn your reactions from Sadie, and he liked that about her.

Sal was sitting alone on the couch backstage, elbows on his knees as he scrolled through his phone to unwind after performing. When Brian walked in, he looked up with a grin stretched ear to ear and got up to hug him, listening with hearts in his eyes as Brian told him how good he’d been out there.

Sal fetched a couple of beers from the mini fridge and held one out to Brian. “Want a beer?”

“Yeah, sure, thanks,” Brian said, taking it and cracking it open before he clinked it against Sal’s with a chuckle. “That pants story gets me every time. The audience lost their goddamn minds.”

Sal smiled. “It felt good tonight.”

“Oh yeah,” Brian said. “You fucking nailed it.”

Sal mopped the sheen of sweat on his forehead with a towel. “Thanks, man,” he said. “What’s up? You seem all weird and shit.”

“I’m always weird and shit.”

“Exactly,” Sal said. “You’re trying to act normal right now and it’s weird. What is it?”

“I don’t know,” Brian said. “Sadie told me to tell you that you were great, by the way.”

Sal studied him. “Why are you here instead of making eyes at her?”

Brian shook his head and took a swig of his beer.

Sal nudged Brian’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “Q.”

Brian looked down at the floor. He was so in love he could hardly think straight, and that was what he should have said to explain why he had to walk away from the table before his heart fucking exploded, why he’d had to come find Sal like he always did when he was scared of the things he was feeling.

But instead, he looked up and all he could say was “I’m going to fuck this up.”


	5. he's soft to the touch, but frayed at the ends, he breaks

Sal Vulcano was an emotional sponge, and looking at Brian now, he felt the wind go out of his sails.

“What the hell?” he asked, trying to keep his smile in place to keep this from escalating. “What do you mean you’re going to fuck this up? Fuck what up?”

Brian rolled his eyes, as impatient with Sal as he was with himself. “This thing with Sadie.”

Sal searched his face, his body language, the stupid little cloud hovering over him. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” Brian said, wringing his hands out. “I was just sitting there with her and I realized how bad this could be if I do what I always do.”

“Q,” Sal said, hands on his friend’s shoulders. “You two are the most moon-eyed motherfuckers I’ve ever seen. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, not yet,” Brian said, not quite ready to be talked down. “But what about two weeks from now when I have a shitty day and I come home and I’m an asshole to her?”

Sal shrugged. “Don’t be an asshole, I guess.”

“I _am_ an asshole.”

“Sit down.” Sal pointed at the couch, and Brian went to it and sat, but Sal didn’t join him. He needed Brian to look up at him for this. “Get your shit together.” Brian started to say something, but Sal cut him off. “No. Number one: you’re drunk. Number two: you’re an idiot. Number three: You haven’t done a damn thing to fuck this up and do you want to know why that is? Because you love her. So keep it up and you’ll be fine. Jesus Christ.”

“I’ve loved people before and still ruined everything,” Brian said.

“No, that’s not true: you loved one girl,” Sal told him. “And _she_ ruined _you.”_

Brian hung his head.

“But this one came back,” Sal said. “She came back for herself and she came back for you. In my books, that means a lot.”

“It does in mine too, that’s why I’m fucking spiralling right now.”

“Why, because you don’t deserve her?”

“Yeah.”

Sal wanted to shake him. “I know I’m your soft place to land, buddy,” he said. “But not tonight. Tonight I’m not listening to this shit.”

“All right, sorry, fuck,” Brian muttered, putting a hand of surrender up as he moved to get to his feet.

“No, _I’m_ not listening to _you,”_ Sal said. “But you’re listening to me. Sit the fuck down.”

Brian did as he was told.

“This is self-sabotage and you have no business doing that now,” Sal told him. “You went nuts this last year thinking about her and now she’s back and immediately you’re like _welp, guess I’ll fuck this up?_ You don’t get to do that. You’re the one who wouldn’t hear any different when you told her to stay with you for the summer; that’s on you. You could’ve kept it casual, but you chose not to. Don’t -- no, hey, look at me. Don’t be an asshole.”

Brian nodded but couldn't look at him.

Sal watched him -- he knew he was still spiralling. “Why are you doing this right now?”

“Because I suck.”

“No you don’t, you’re just not nice to yourself,” Sal said. “That’s all this bullshit is, Q. This is you feeling good about something and your dumbass brain telling you not to touch it because you got so fucked over that now your dumbass brain thinks all good things hurt. That’s actually the good news.”

Brian smirked. “What’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that’s your problem,” Sal said. “And you have to deal with it.”

Brian nodded. “You’re right.”

“If you need someone to say it, I’ll say it: you’re good to her. You’re good for her. This is a good thing, Q. That’s why it scares the shit out of you.”

“Yeah.” Brian’s posture changed, like he’d finally let himself breathe again. “I did need to hear that, actually.”

“There’s no reason for you to fuck this up,” Sal told him. “Unless you make one up. And if you do--”

“I won’t,” Q said.

Sal believed him. “Good. Because if you hurt her, we’ll kill you.”

“I’d just come back and haunt you,” Brian scoffed.

“I know you would,” Sal said, and for some reason, that choked him up for a second. To cover it up, he went back to the mini fridge and got a bottle of water, and then swapped it for Brian’s beer. “Drink that and then get back to her, all right?”

“Okay,” Brian said, looking relieved to have someone tell him what to do. He twisted the top off and drank half of it in one swig. “Sorry to crash the party. Tonight should’ve been about you, not my bullshit.”

“Just glad you’re here, buddy,” Sal said, and sat down beside him, just like he always did.  

+

“Yeah, we’ll get two more shots,” Murr told the waitress, and then checked with Sadie. “Right?”

“Bring em on,” Sadie said gamely, even though she most certainly did not need anymore shots.

“This is fun,” Murr said, shrugging happily. “I mean, I already felt like I knew you because Q talked about you all the time, but it’s cool to finally get to hang out with you.”

“You too,” she smiled. Joe had left right after the last act finished, because he needed to pick Bessy up from her girls’ night and then get home to relieve the babysitter, so that just left Sadie and Murr at the table. “Even though I wish Brian would come back.”

“He and Sal are probably just shooting the shit with the other comedians,” Murr said. “Don’t worry.”

She wasn’t worried. If this had been two years ago, her blood would have been boiling, because two years ago, if her ex had been gone for half an hour like Brian had, it would’ve meant he was cheating on her. She didn’t worry about that with Brian -- if he hadn’t hooked up with anyone during the entire time they were in different countries, then he wouldn’t with her in the same building -- but she was still annoyed. It was their first night out since she’d come back and he was spending it with Sal.

“I’m not,” she told Murr. “Anyway, sorry, what were you saying?”

Murr sat back, arms crossed across his chest, and then burst into laughter. “I can’t remember. I’m drunk as shit.”

“Oh,” Sadie laughed, remembering. “You were saying how you had to go to your nephews’ soccer game tomorrow morning.”

“Oh right, and how I’m going to die,” he said, and they both laughed. “I can’t bail, though, I promised I’d be there.”

“You’re a good uncle,” Sadie told him. “I’d fake my own death to get out of anything involving children, especially if I was hungover.”

“Really?” he asked. “You don’t like kids?”

“I hate kids so much I’m embarrassed that I used to be one.”

“That surprises me,” he said. “So you don’t want any of your own?”

“Nope.”

Murr smiled. “You really are Q’s dream girl.”

Sadie was drunk and feeling the sting of Brian’s absence a little too sharply to smile back. “Do you think this is going to work, Murr?”

“Do you want it to, Sadie?”

She meant to smile but her eyes welled up with tears instead. “I really fucking love him,” she said with a sad little laugh.

"That's obvious," he said.

"Good," she replied.

“He’s not going to leave New York,” Murr said. “Can you work with that?”

She nodded. “I can, I just don’t know when I’ll be able to _stop_ leaving it.”

Murr shrugged. “I think you’re perfect for him, wherever you are.”

A tear slipped down her cheek and she caught it with the back of her hand, laughing pathetically. “Who let me drink hard liquor?” she cried. “I always cry when I drink hard liquor.” She lit up as the waitress returned with their shots. “Tequila!”

“Is this a good idea?” Murr asked, gingerly picking up his shot between two fingers.

 _“Yes,”_ Sadie said, very sure.

“Q’s not going to kill me for letting you get alcohol poisoning?”

She raised her shot glass. “He’s not here so he has no say.”

“All right, down the hatch,” Murr said before he knocked the shot back with great difficulty. Grimacing, he made a face at the taste, and then looked across the table at Sadie, who had taken the shot like a champ. “Jesus, you hold your liquor better than I do.”

“I’m a prairie girl, Murr,” Sadie scoffed, and then swayed with annoyance as the shot hit her. “Where is my goddamn boyfriend?”

“I mean, they’re probably just backstage,” Murr said. “We could go find them if you want.”

She snorted. “I don’t go looking for people who leave me,” she said, just as a wave of nausea rolled over her. “That might have been one shot too many.”

Murr looked panicked; he didn’t have much experience in looking after other people’s drunk girlfriends. “Are you okay?”

“I think I might need some air,” she said, slipping out of the booth.

“Sadie, all your shit--” Murr called after her as she headed for the doors, leaving her purse and cell phone behind. He gathered her belongings and texted Q as he chased after her.

+

Brian had been inching his way down the hall for the last 20 minutes. He’d long since finished his water and wanted to go back to Sadie now that his head was a little more clear, but every time he thought he could make a break for it, someone new cornered him. A gaggle of _Jokers_ fans had come out specifically for Sal, and when they saw him and Q together, they swept in for pictures, or to tell them how much their kids loved the show, or that their girlfriends had crushes on them. Brian was doing his best to be polite, but he’d already been gone too long.

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out to read a text from Murr. “Fuck,” he said, and elbowed Sal, who was taking a picture with two pretty girls. “I gotta run, Sadie’s outside.”

“She left?” Sal asked, his smile dropping as he looked at Brian in concern.

“No, she’s with Murr,” Brian said, and made his way through the little cluster of people, smiling and saying non-committal hellos to everyone who wanted to stop him. “I’ll text you!”

Brian glanced at their empty booth and then headed for the exit, feeling horrible as he re-read Murr’s text. _“Where are you? Sadie's drunk AF. Going outside.”_ Not only had he left her for almost 45 minutes on their first night out together, now she was a mess outside a comedy club with Murr.

He walked outside, looked both ways, noticed a cluster of girls smoking, and then spotted Murr standing against the building next to them in his bowtie and shiny shoes, looking lost. “Hey,” Brian called to him. “Where’s Sadie?”

Murr was relieved to see him. “She made friends,” he said, gesturing to the girls. “Where were you?”

“With Sal,” Brian said, his heart lifting when he saw her auburn hair in the group of girls. “People stopped us for pictures. Is she okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine now,” Murr said. “But that last shot of tequila was a mistake.”

“You guys got into the tequila?”

“Well yeah, it was free.”

“You little idiots,” Brian chuckled as he turned to the girls. He’d fucked up way worse in past relationships without batting an eyelash, but he felt guilty and strangely nervous as he walked up to Sadie and put a hand on her elbow. “Hey.”

Sadie flinched at the touch, which made him feel like shit, but when she looked up and saw it was him, she smiled in a way that nearly killed him. “Hi stranger.”

Brian looked at her, eyeliner smudged, hair a wild mess, swaying on her feet, and grinned. “Sadie Waters, is that a cigarette?”

She blinked up at him, and then at the cigarette perched between her fingers. “Yeah.”

Murr stepped in fretfully. “I told her not to.”

Brian huffed at him. “Don’t tell my girlfriend what to do.” He turned back to Sadie with a smile and held out his hand to take the cigarette from her. “This is going to make you puke, sweetheart.”

“I already did.”

“Oh no,” he laughed, slipping an arm around her and cradling her against him. “Since when do you smoke?”

“Since I got stupid fucking drunk,” she said, leaning most of her body weight into him. “You weren’t there.”

“No, I know, I’m sorry, we ran into some fans,” Brian said. “I didn’t mean to leave you so long.”

“I’m mostly only a little annoyed,” she said, reaching out a hand for her cigarette. “My ex used to get so mad at me when I smoked.”

Sadie was like him when she drank: sometimes liquor tossed her back into the damage she'd worked so hard to escape. He'd seen it when they were back in her hometown, where he'd watched her shrink down to half her size. It had broken his heart then, and it broke his heart now as he looked at her, knowing her thoughts had slammed her backwards into a time when people had left her and hurt her and hadn't loved her, and that she was too drunk to protect herself from those memories. Brian handed the cigarette back, certain it was a piece of her past too, and was careful not to burn her as he transferred it from his fingers to hers. “I’m not mad. I’m not your ex.”

“Good,” she snorted. “If you were him and you were gone for that long it would’ve been because you were groping some 19-year-old up against a foosball table.”

“My offer to kill that asshole still stands,” Brian said, and then studied her as she took a drag from her cigarette. “That isn’t what you thought I was doing, is it?”

She shook her head. “You wouldn’t do that.”

“I’m glad you know that.” He used his thumb to wipe away a fleck of mascara and knew she’d been crying. “Were you crying because you’re sad or because you’re drunk?”

“Because I’m drunk,” she replied, not needing to ask what he was talking about or how he knew. “And because I love you.”

Brian smiled, melting. “That’s why I had to leave in the first place,” he told her softly, pulling her in, his lips in her hair. “I was just sitting there beside you listening to you laugh and I loved you so goddamn much I had to talk to Sal about it.”

She snickered, and he grinned at the sound of it, because she was the cutest drunkest girl in the world. “Nerd,” she muttered.

“Here, give me that,” Brian said, slipping the cigarette from between her fingers. It was all he could think to do to share her hurt, to shoulder some of the damage. He took a drag, holding it like a joint because he had more experience with weed than nicotine, and exhaled slowly. “I wanna taste what you taste.”

“Hot,” she said, her eyes on his lips and the smoke in the air.

“I was thinking the same thing,” he said as she took it back from him for one last drag before it was spent, admiring her mouth and fingers and what a little mess she was -- until she dropped the cigarette, pulled out of his arms, walked five steps, and threw up in the bushes. 

If he hadn’t been sure he loved her before, he knew it then, crossing the space between them to hold her hair and rub circles into her back. “Sadie, Sadie, Sadie,” he chuckled, pulling a stray strand of hair back and following her to the ground as she crouched down. “One shot of tequila and a cigarette too many, huh?”

Sadie groaned. “Uh huh.”

He looked at her, crouched on the dirty sidewalk, propping up her head with the back of her hand, falling apart for all to see, and he loved her to pieces. "You know what they say, you can take the girl out of the prairie but you can't take the prairie out of the girl."

She groaned. "Put me out to fucking pasture."

He laughed fondly. “You gonna make it?”

She shook her head. “Nope."

Brian grinned at his disastrous sweetheart. “What do you need?”

“To die.”

“Can’t do that, sorry,” he said. “Would you settle for some water?”

“Yes.”

“You done?” he asked, still holding a fistful of her hair.

“For now.”

“Good girl,” he said, letting her hair down and stroking gentle fingers up and down her back. “Let’s get up and find you some water, okay?”

“Okiedokes.”

“Hey Sadie?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to taste what you taste anymore,” he whispered, laughing when she flailed a hand back to smack him with. He took hold of one of her elbows, then hooked his other arm around her and helped her to her feet. “You're okay. I got you.”

Sadie nuzzled into him. “Yep.”

They passed by Murr, who was casually flirting with a couple of the girls Sadie had been talking to while also keeping an eye out for taxis.

“Taking off, buddy?” Brian asked.

Successfully hailing a taxi, Murr smiled a goodbye to the girls and stepped towards Brian and Sadie as he waited for the car to pull over in front of him. “Yeah, I have to be up in 5 hours.”

“Sucker,” Brian said, but gave him an affectionate elbow to the side. “Thanks for looking out for her.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Murr said, tilting his head to try and meet Sadie’s eye with a grin. “Night, Sadie. Good luck with your hangover.”

Sadie lifted her head from Brian’s shoulder to give Murr an unfocused but earnest smile. “Bye. Have fun at your nephew’s game.”

Murr walked up to the taxi and reached for the door handle. “Hey Q?”

“Yeah, bud?”

Murr smirked at him. “You finally found her.”

Brian didn’t need to ask what he meant. He knew he’d found her. Not just right now, outside the club, but somehow, here in this asshole universe that had put him through the ringer and put him on a pedestal and hadn’t given him a moment’s peace in 20 years, he’d found a trainwreck to take home and tie his heart to. It was fast and scary and maybe even a little dangerous, but he knew exactly what he'd found. He returned the smile.

“Sure fucking did.”


	6. scars are souvenirs you never lose; the past is never far

Sadie sobered up a little with the help of some water and a slice of pizza and a long cab ride back to Staten Island.

Snuggling up next to Brian in the backseat, she closed her eyes and rode out her buzz, feeling content and raw and safe. With her eyes closed, she revelled in nothing but what she could feel and hear: the gentle May breeze from the driver’s open window as it lifted her hair and drew goosebumps from her skin; Brian’s thumb absentmindedly stroking her thigh in a way that was both possessive and protective; the song from the 60s on the radio coyly whispering _what’s your name, who’s your daddy;_ the throb between her legs every time they took a corner and she nestled in closer and he held her tighter and turned his head to murmur something in her ear. _Are you okay? Love you. Almost home._

The driver took a phone call, driving faster than the speed limit and cutting off other cars as he talked shit about his boss like Sadie and Brian weren’t even there. The song on the radio changed to “Bette Davis Eyes” and Sadie smiled at _she’s pure as New York snow_ and Brian kissed the side of her head. Shifting closer, she let her hand drift up his leg, close enough to his groin that he let out a sharp gasp before he could stop it.

“I thought you were sleeping,” he whispered.

She smiled. “You kissed me anyway?”

“This song reminds me of you,” he explained, his eyes flicking up to the driver, who still wasn’t paying attention to them. “What’s your hand up to?”

“Nothing,” she lied.

Brian kept his eyes on the driver, certain this was a terrible idea, and shifted in his seat as her hand roamed up his inner thigh. Her head was still on his shoulder and to the casual observer she still looked like she was innocently napping, but the growing bulge in his jeans told another story entirely. He laughed breathlessly as her palm traveled up his crotch, the heel of her hand hard against his balls as she cupped him over his jeans, and her fingers curled around the fold of his fly, giving it a little tug like she couldn’t wait to zip it down. Voice high and flustered, he whispered, “You’re killing me here.”

“I’m trying to,” she whispered back.

The driver turned onto his street, still bitching about work, and Brian thanked God they were almost there. She was making him fucking crazy and he didn’t care if she fell asleep the second they got upstairs and he had to jerk off; he needed out of this car so he could take care of business.

When the car pulled into his driveway, Brian was ready with four 20 dollar bills, his seatbelt already off. “Keep the change,” he said, not giving a fuck that he’d just given him a $40 tip. He shouldered open the door and then reached back a hand to help Sadie out.

“Thank you,” she chirped to the driver, sweet and polite, and the juxtaposition of that and her hand on his dick in the back of the car nearly made him throw her over his shoulder right then and there.

“You’re a fucking monster,” he growled, closing the door behind her and ushering her towards the house with his hand on her lower back.

Sadie leaned her hip against the door as he fumbled with his keys, her curves accentuated deliciously in the arch of her lean and the glow of the porch light. “You gonna get that door open any time soon?”

His eyes glittered darkly as he looked at her. She was trying to provoke him and he fucking loved it. “Got a mouth on you tonight, don’t you?”

She shrugged. “If you’d let us in, you might find out.”

He took his time, his former desperation riding her insolence, getting just as hot. “Interesting,” he said, marveling as slowly as possible, just to drive her nuts. “Tequila brings the devil out of you.”

She smiled pleasantly. “Think so?”

“I mean, first you’re smoking, then you get all handsy in the backseat of a cab,” he told her. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you were looking for trouble.”

“You mean I didn’t find it?” she asked in a purr. “Maybe I should try next door.”

Brian bit his lip, unlocked the front door, shoved it open, and took rough hold of her elbow. “Get inside,” he growled, pushing her through the door ahead of him, following close on her heels.

Once they were inside, he trapped her up against the door between his arms, his mouth maddening inches from hers, not letting her kiss him. “Maybe I shouldn’t,” he whispered, half to torture her and half to make sure she wasn’t too out of it; he wanted her so fucking bad but he didn’t want to be a creep. “You’ve been drinking.”

“So have you,” she said, leaning her head back but not giving him the satisfaction of trying to kiss him.

“Are you sure?”

“Brian Quinn, if you don’t put your dick in me you can sleep on the fucking floor.”

Brian broke into a shocked grin. “Oh, are you bossing me around now?”

She grinned back. “Yep.”

“Think that’s a good idea?”

Sadie gave him her most delightfully daring smirk. “I just want to see what happens.”

He was happy to show her. Without a word, he threw her over his shoulder fireman-style, giving her ass a playful swat when she giggled, and carried her up the stairs. Once they were in the hall leading to the bedroom, he set her down, pulled off her shirt, and rammed her against the wall so hard a picture fell to the ground. Neither noticed; she was too busy yelping with his teeth biting down hard on her neck.

When he was satisfied with her reaction -- it hurt, but she seemed to like it -- Brian whipped open his belt, seized a fistful of her hair, and tugged downwards. She got to her knees and undid his jeans, eagerly taking his cock in her mouth. Hips thrusting, he gripped her hair in one hand to hold her in place, taking no pity until she gagged and broke away, gasping for air. “Atta girl,” he said, bending to cup her face in his hand. “Get up.”

They didn’t care about taking off their clothes when they got to the bedroom; they just unzipped and pulled down and shoved aside as needed. Brian got her on all fours on the bed and cracked his knuckles before he entered her and fucked her from behind, holding her facedown in the bed by the scruff of her neck. Brian had been with her enough times that he knew she was more likely to hold her breath during sex than she was to scream, but tonight all her inhibitions were gone. He was pretty sure the neighbours would be able to hear them tonight. He didn’t care -- the only thing that mattered to him right now was bringing this broken howl out of her, again and again. Let them listen. He wanted to hear applause when he was done with her tonight.

Brian knew she was getting closer, with her walls contracting around his cock, but he didn’t want that. He was here to show her what happened when she bossed him around, so he waited until he knew her orgasm was just a few good thrusts away, and then brought his open palm down on her ass. It was sharp enough that it made her jump, but he kept her pinned down to the bed. Sadie managed to turn her head so that she could look back and up at him, eyes full of desire and defiance, her naughty little smirk unwavering even when he spanked her again. She’d riled him up to a place he’d never been with her, where teaching her a lesson was all that was in his head, and yet still, somehow, as he looked down at her looking up at him, he couldn’t help but smile and whisper, “You’re so cute.”

“Thanks,” she whispered back with a laugh so sweet and wildly out of place it made him pull her up by a fistful of hair to hold her flush against his chest and kiss her, and then she whispered “Choke me” and that just about fucking undid him. She wasn’t supposed to be calling the shots here, but she did anyway, enticing him into a fight he knew he’d win. He loved it.

Brian pulled out, flipped her over, ripped her shorts and panties off, and thrust into her again. He growled as he fucked her with his hand around her throat, but couldn’t bring himself to squeeze tight. It seemed to do the trick anyway.

“Right there, right there,” she gasped, holding onto his wrist with both hands.

“Right where?” he asked, grinning down at her devilishly and deliberately slowing down. When she whined beneath him, he pulled out almost all the way so just the tip was stretching her open, and reveled in her desperation. “I think I’ve had about enough of you telling me what to do, sweetheart.”

“Brian,” she begged, writhing under him, back arching. “Please.”

“That’s better,” he said. “You gonna be good?”

Sadie smiled. “No.”

Brian pulled out all the way, enjoying every bit of her crushed expression, and stepped out of his jeans and boxers. “C’mere,” he said, sitting on the bed and laying back on the pillows as she straddled him. He didn’t let her adjust before he thrusted upwards aggressively, giving her something rough to ride. When she fell forward, he unhooked her bra and buried his face between her breasts and she cradled her arms under his head and took every thrust and smack to her ass with sounds like sobbing.

With a shudder, she sat up straight, her hand forming a fist on his chest as she rode him, closer to orgasm than he thought she deserved to be.

“Not yet,” he ordered.

“Can I please,” she yelped, her fist turning into claws that dug into his skin.

“No,” he said, increasing the force of his thrusts.

She came anyway, eyes rolling back, a violent shiver going through her whole body like she was freezing cold. It was the hottest thing he’d ever seen -- but he wasn’t about to let her know that.

Brian switched positions so she was under him and they were nose to nose. “Did you just come when I told you not to?”

Sadie grinned up at him. “Am I in trouble?”

He grinned back, mindblown at her audacity, and also completely in love with it. “I can do this all night if I have to, Sadie.”

She pushed herself up onto her elbows and kissed him with a purr in the back of her throat. “Good.”

+

The sun was bright and cheerful the next morning, and Sadie felt like she’d been hit by a goddamn truck. She woke up on her side to a splitting headache and a body that was sore from head to toe and she laid there in pain as last night came back to her in pieces. Sal’s jokes. Brian’s disappearance. Tequila shots. Cigarettes. The roughest sex she’d ever had. The gentlest aftercare, which she’d never had. Watching him fall asleep in her arms.

All worth every ache.

“Morning,” Brian said in his hoarse morning voice when he noticed she was awake. “How you feeling?”

“Like I can’t look at you,” she chuckled, and then groaned when that hurt her head. She stayed on her side with her back to him. “Ow.”

Brian’s laugh was soft, and so were his arms as he lined himself up behind her and held her against him. “What, are you embarrassed?”

“Definitely.”

“Why?”

“I think I need to go to confession.”

He grinned and kissed her shoulder. “You were a wildcat, all right,” he said. “I’ve got the marks to prove it.”

Sadie rolled over to face him, her eyes travelling down and going wide when she saw the claw marks she’d left on his chest. “Jesus Christ,” she breathed, a hand going to her mouth. “I’m so sorry.”

Brian rubbed a hand over his chest, unfazed. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “You didn’t make it out of last night unscathed either.”

Sadie pressed her forehead into his chest. She could only imagine the bruises she had.

“I don’t think you’ll enjoy sitting for like a week,” he said, running a gentle hand over her hip and resting it on her ass. “Speaking of which, want to have dinner at my mom’s tonight?”

She jerked her head up to look at him in horror, and then smacked him when she saw that he was obviously kidding. “You asshole,” she laughed. “I would die.”

He laughed back. “You’d die?”

“Yes, right now, if I had to look at the woman who gave birth to you, I would die,” she confirmed. “I’m pretty sure I have jizz in my hair.”

“You do,” he said. “It’s a good look.”

“Thank you,” Sadie said, her self-consciousness fading as he smiled at her. “I’d shower if I could get up.”

“I’ll help you,” he said. “As soon as I can get up.”

She rolled over onto her back, draping an arm across her forehead. “What a night.”

Brian propped himself up on his elbow. “Was it a good one?”

She looked up at him. “Obviously.”

“I don’t mean just this,” he said, gesturing to the ruffled bed and their naked bodies. “Did you have a good time at the club last night?”

“Oh,” she said. “Yeah, I mean, it was nice to see your friends. Sal was really funny.”

Brian studied her. As far as he knew, she’d never lied to him, and in fact had a hard time not being overly truthful. This was the first time he'd ever felt lied to. “You were mad at me.”

Sadie looked away and shrugged. “I was a little mad.”

“Are you over it, or do we need to talk about it?”

She smirked. “A hot tip, when you’re wondering if your girlfriend might be mad at you, don’t start by asking _are you over it.”_

“Well, I mean, I wouldn’t have said it like that if I’d actually done something wrong,” he said. “But I didn’t.”

“You ditched me for an hour on our first night back together.”

“Technically, it was our second.”

Sadie broke into a smile of disbelief. “Are you really trying to argue semantics with me?”

“Me?” Brian laughed. “You’re the one who told me how not to start a sentence.”

“Yeah, so you’d know how not to piss me off.”

“So you _are_ mad.”

“Well, I _wasn’t.”_

“No, I think you were,” Brian said. “Otherwise you wouldn’t still think I ‘ditched you’ on purpose.”

“I didn’t say you did it on purpose,” she said. “But it still felt shitty.”

“I’m sorry it felt shitty,” he said. “It’s just part of the territory. Sometimes people are going to stop me.”

“Yeah, I understand that,” she said. “Maybe you could’ve just sent me a quick text or something to keep me in the loop so I didn’t have to sit there thinking all the worst things.”

Brian sat up. “You said you knew I wouldn’t cheat on you. You said you knew I'm not like that.”

Sadie rolled her eyes and pulled the blanket up to her shoulders. “Yeah, I do know that, that’s why I’m here,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to _worry._ That’s what I do, Brian, I _worry._ I have anxiety. Just because I love you doesn’t mean you can disappear for an hour without me going through worst case scenarios.”

“What about when I go on tour and shit?” he asked. “Are you going to go through worst case scenarios every time I leave?”

“Brian, we just spent a year apart,” she said. “I trust you. I think that’s fucking obvious.”

“Well, no, it isn’t, not right at this moment,” he said. “What’s obvious right now is that it takes less than an hour for you to think the worst of me.”

“I was worried you were fucking bored,” Sadie snapped. “I was gone for a year and when you finally had me back beside you, you chose to get up and leave. That’s what upset me. _That’s_ worse case scenario for me, Brian. I don’t think the worst of you, I think the worst of _me.”_

“Sadie,” he said. “That breaks my fucking heart.”

Despite her headache and her mood, Sadie almost smiled -- at his accent, at him in general, at how much she loved him. “Well, sorry. You wanted to talk about it.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

She looked up at him when he didn’t say anything more than that. He was downcast and solemn, biting his lip while he thought. She was trying to come up with something to say that would soften the conversation, but he came up with something first.

“The reason I had to get up and talk to Sal was because I was thinking the worst of myself too,” he said. “You’re such a good thing and I’m scared I’m too much of an asshole not to fuck this up.”

She looked away. “I’m scared I’ll deserve it.”

Brian looked down at her. Their own bullshit brought each other’s bullshit out, and he didn’t like that. He knew that wasn’t good. Maybe it couldn’t end well for broken people like them. “Come on,” he said, giving her a nudge. “Get up here.”

Sadie curled up to him, resting her head on his stomach and letting him bring an arm around her.

“I’m not going to get bored with you,” he said. “I don’t need to be entertained. I like being quiet. Give it a couple of weeks, you’ll be bouncing off the walls with how boring I am.”

She smiled. “I like boring.”

“So do I. Honestly, I can’t wait to just play some Xbox while you read a book beside me,” he said. “That’s the fucking lottery, Sadie. You’re my jackpot.”

“Thanks,” she said softly. “You’re mine, too.”

He leaned down to kiss her temple. “I don’t know how to fix any of this shit with how we talk to ourselves,” he said. “But I think we’re a good team.”

“We are,” she agreed.

“We’re also our own worst enemies,” he said. “But I’m on your side and you’re on mine.”

She raised her head to smile up at him. “Yep.”

“I’m not scared of mornings like this,” he said. “I’m not scared of messes.” He grinned, patting down her wild hair. “Not even whatever this is.”

“It’s _you,”_ she laughed, batting his hand away before she sat up and kissed him. “Do you have any Tylenol that won’t knock me out for 12 hours?”

He kissed the top of her head. “Yeah, in the bathroom,” he said. “I’ll get it for you.”

“You don’t have to,” she said. “I should get up and have a shower anyway.”

“Mind if I join you?”

She smiled. “Sure don’t.”

They dragged their sore bodies out of bed and into the bathroom, where they saw the scratches and bruises they’d gotten from each other, half-recoiling at the sight and half-admiring it, and then climbed into the shower. Brian washed Sadie’s hair with gentle hands and only got shampoo in her eyes once, and when they got out of the shower, they toweled each other off and shivered together.

Back in the bedroom, Brian pulled on a pair of boxers and tossed her a navy blue t-shirt to wear. He crawled back into bed while she rooted through one of her bags that she still hadn’t unpacked, and welcomed her back with open arms.

“I brought something for you,” she said, getting into bed and snuggling up to him.

Brian saw the lavender cover and the broken spine and dog-eared pages and knew what it was before she said a word. She burrowed in next to him and found the page they’d left off on in June, and he somehow managed to tell her the last thing he remembered Scout and Jem getting up to, even with his heart in his throat.

For the rest of the day, over coffee and painkillers, through their hangovers and soup for lunch and takeout for dinner, in the bedroom and the kitchen and the backyard, Sadie read _To Kill a Mockingbird_ to him. Sometimes she stumbled over words and sometimes she read too fast but he hung on every word, wrapped up in her and glued to his seat.

Their day passed in page turns, and through it all, he loved her so much he thought maybe someday he’d even love himself.


	7. it's true, i was made for you.

Brian followed the sound of 90s music down the hall and into the dining room, where he found Sadie at the table with a pencil between her teeth and a cat on her lap. Since the day he’d met her, but especially since she’d been back, he’d been cataloguing all the little things about her that he found endearing. Today’s discovery was that she did homework on Friday nights. She was his favourite nerd.

“Hey,” she said, looking up with a touch of relief and concern when she saw him enter the room. “You’re home late.”

“Long day.” He rounded the table and kissed her. “Good, but long.”

Sadie paused the music on her laptop, and when she smiled up at him, he could see she was tired as he was. “There’s dinner in the fridge if you’re hungry,” she said.

“Ugh, thank you,” Brian said, heart melting. “What a woman.”

Sadie laughed. “It’s just spaghetti.”

“No such thing as just spaghetti.”

She smirked. “Well, I did put parmesan on it.”

“My own little Bobby Flay,” he said, kissing her forehead, and then rushed into the kitchen. He pulled the leftovers out of the fridge -- he didn’t even know he owned tupperware -- threw it in the microwave, and then went back to her.

Pulling out the chair kitty-corner to her, he sat down and took her in with a smile: she was wearing one of his shirts, with her hair a mess and piled on top of her head, circles under her eyes, and an empty venti Starbucks cup next to her. “How was your day?”

Sadie teetered over to lean against his shoulder. “My brain’s going to explode.”

Looking down at her, he laughed fondly. “That good, huh?”

She grumbled.

He pulled her chair closer to him so she could lean on him more comfortably. “Well hey, you survived your first week.”

“Barely.”

They’d both had a busy week and hadn’t had much time to catch up -- one of them was usually asleep by the time the other one finally came to bed. But now it was Friday, and she’d officially been in New York for a week, and they had the whole weekend ahead of them to relax together. “How do you think it went?” he asked.

“Besides the fact that I had a hickey on my first day and my teacher was the one who pointed it out?”

He grinned. “Yes. Sorry.”

“It was nuts,” she sighed. “Everyone’s like 10 years younger than me and we have to share and pick apart our writing in front of everyone and all the guys talk over me and I’m basically dying of anxiety and inadequacy but other than that it was good.”

Brian shook his head. “Some of them might’ve gotten an earlier start than you but that doesn’t mean they’re better,” he said. “They’re probably all still trying to write the next _Catcher in the Rye_ while you’ve got your own stories to tell. Not being 21 isn’t a bad thing, Sadie.”

She shrugged. “Thanks,” she said, and smirked. “Actually, one of the guys in my class did introduce himself as the next JD Salinger.”

“Holy shit, what a fucking douchebag,” he laughed, happy when she laughed too, and then put an arm around her. “You aren’t inadequate, let’s get that right,” he said, voice soft. “You’re beyond adequate. What’s the word for that?”

She thought about it. “Enough?”

“No, that’s the same thing as adequate,” he said. “More than that.”

“Hmm,” she said. “I don’t know. Ample, maybe?”

He gave her a wolfish look. “I like ample.”

“Also maybe copious,” she suggested. “Plentiful.”

He smiled at her. She sounded like herself again. He should’ve known wrapping her up in words would calm her nerves. “What else you got?”

“Hmm. Overabundant?”

“Nice one,” he said. The microwave beeped in the kitchen, and he stood up to get his food. “Hold that thought.”

Brian burnt his fingers pulling the tupperware container out, but ignored it, grabbed a fork, and returned to her in the dining room.

Sadie looked up at him. “Thanks for saying all that,” she said. “I feel better.”

He huffed. “You’re welcome,” he said, settling down on the seat next to her. “If any guys try to talk over you again, I’m gonna march in there and be like _hey listen, she’s an overabundance, so shut the fuck up.”_

Sadie leaned her elbow on the table, perched her chin on her hand, and marveled over at him. “I’m swooning.”

Brian beamed, and then looked at his cat, who was now curled up on the windowsill and observing them with acute indifference. “Did you hear that, Benjamin?” he stage-whispered to the cat. “I think she has a crush on me too.”

Sadie shook her head in awe at their exchange. “Good Lord.”

Brian turned his grin to her. “You wanna know something I’ve noticed about you?”

“No.”

“I can say the filthiest shit to you and you’ll be cool as a cucumber,” he laughed. “But whenever I say anything about having a crush on you, it makes you blush like crazy.”

“That’s not why I’m blushing,” she scoffed. “I’m blushing because I’m embarrassed for you. The amount you talk to your cats is insane.”

“Would you say it’s copious?”

“Ample, even.”

He laughed. “I’m not sure where you get off judging me for talking to my cats,” he said. “You ran into a chair yesterday and said sorry.”

“I’m Canadian, Brian. How dare you.”

“I know you are, and I think you’re out of control,” he said. “At Starbucks this morning you held the door open for a lady who was still like 20 feet away.”

“Hey, I don’t like it anymore than you do,” Sadie said. “But it’s part of our genetic makeup that we have to hold the door open for anyone we accidentally make eye contact with. It’s practically a law.”

“That sounds exhausting,” he said. “And adorable.”

“Tell me about it.”

Brian laughed. “I’m just picturing a pack of penguins trying to go through a revolving door but it’s too slippery and they’re all too polite so they keep piling up on top of each other.”

“Just another Sunday at Tim Hortons,” she said.

He grinned at her. “Another thing I find really endearing about you is that you fucking _know_ nobody’s going to get your references but you make the joke anyway.”

Sadie shrugged beatifically. “Make jokes about Canada like no one’s watching, that’s what I always say.”

He laughed. “You’re cute.”

She crinkled her nose at him. “I’m frazzled.”

“You wanna take a break?”

Sadie looked down at her laptop. She still had a lot of work to do for Monday. “To do what?”

“...Me?”

She kissed his cheek. “Eat your spaghetti.”

Brian kissed hers back. “Worth a shot,” he said, picking up his fork and digging in. “So other than your hickey and the idiots in your class, do you like it?”

Sadie grinned. “I love it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Two years ago, New York might as well have been another planet. I never would’ve guessed someday I’d be here, writing. It’s not easy, but I love it.”

Brian thought about that while he chewed. “I knew it the night I met you.”

Startled, Sadie smiled over at him. “You knew what?”

“That you’d wind up writing here,” he said, nonchalant and sure. “Sitting there across from you at that bar, listening to you, I knew.”

She shook her head. “How?”

“Because of the way you talked about it,” he said. “You loved it enough to be done letting things get in your way.” He shrugged, twirling spaghetti around his fork. “It’s the way I talk about you.”

Sadie felt a warm little glow head to toe. “Jesus Christ,” she said. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“What? Why?”

“That was so nice I might cry.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Too bad,” she laughed. “You should think about that next time before you say something so fucking sweet.”

“Does that mean you want to come have sex with me now?”

“I do,” she laughed. “But if I don’t get this finished tonight, then I can’t have sex with you all weekend, and that’s what I really had my heart set on.”

“Oh really?” he grinned, his hand squeezing her thigh. “Well then. Chop, chop.”

She trapped his hand between her thighs and leaned over to plant a kiss on his jawline. “Glad you see it my way.”

He slipped his hand out from between her legs and picked up his fork again with a wink. “This spaghetti’s almost as good anyway.”

She smirked over at him. “Must be the parmesan.”

“Must be,” he chuckled. “I’m just gonna wolf this down and then I’ll let you get back to work.”

“No rush,” she told him. “I’m just happy you’re home.”

“That makes two of us,” he said. “Anyway, I’m glad your workshop’s going well, Sadie.”

“Thanks, me too,” she said. “Thanks for giving me a place to stay.”

He huffed -- he was as terrible at accepting gratitude as he was with compliments. “It would be ridiculous to have to stay anywhere else,” he said. “Plus, now the cats won’t be lonely when I’m on the road.”

She stuck her bottom lip out, only half-joking. “I will be.”

“You’ll probably have befriended half the people in Manhattan by the time I get back,” he said. “Make any friends in your class yet?”

“I like my workshopping partner,” she said. “The others think I’m like 100 years old.”

“Is that because you do crossword puzzles all the time?”

“No,” she said. “It’s because they were talking about Drake at lunch one day and I said I can’t take him seriously because he was a fucking dicknose on Degrassi.”

“You made another Canadian joke?”

“Oh, it wasn’t a joke.”

He smiled. “Gotta respect a girl who doesn’t give a shit about her audience.”

“Well, whatever, if I can’t freely make fun of Drake, then I don’t want to be their friend anyway.”

“That’s right. Stick to your guns, sweetheart.” He smiled at her. “You've got at least one friend though?”

“Yeah, Alex,” she said. “He’s my age and likes a lot of the same writers I do.”

Brian raised an eyebrow at her. “He?”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “He.”

He grimaced. “Sorry. I was a caveman for a second.”

She laughed, a little taken aback. “Yikes.”

“One time Benjamin’s previous owner sent me pictures of him,” Brian said, gesturing to his sleeping cat. “And I was stoked to get to see him as a little kitten, but then I saw a picture of him cuddling with her and got really jealous.”

Sadie looked over at Benjamin. “You hussy.”

Brian also looked at Benjamin. “She didn’t mean it.” He turned back to Sadie. “Just saying, sometimes my lizard brain takes really stupid leaps and my mouth says the dumb shit before the rest of my brain catches up.”

“Well, I promise not to cuddle with any of my classmates,” she said. “If you promise to cool your jets.”

“Deal.” Brian studied her, taking in the annoyed look on her face. “Are you pissed off at me?”

“No.”

“You look pissed.”

“I’m not.” Sadie frowned. “I’m just trying to figure out why I’m a little turned on right now.”

He grinned. “Probably because you’re a bit of a caveman too.”

“Hmph.”

Brian watched her with a silent crooked smirk as she focused her attention on her laptop screen and put her pencil between her teeth, her expression grumpy and distracted. She pressed play on her music, filling the dining room with Savage Garden’s “I Want You,” which just made him smile more because it was so cheerful and she was so annoyed.

“For such an innocuous pop song,” Brian mused, “I never really noticed how naughty some of the lyrics are.”

Sadie glared over at him and changed the song, which was, unfortunately for her, “Sex and Candy.” She quickly turned it off.

Brian grinned. “What was that song about, Sadie?”

“Get boned, Brian.”

Snickering, he finished his dinner without a word while she typed away next to him, every keystroke frustrated, and then took his dish to the kitchen. He grabbed a couple of beers and brought them back to the dining room.

“I’m gonna retire to the basement for some video games,” Brian said, standing next to her, beer outstretched. “Would you like a beer?”

“I’d love one, thank you,” Sadie said, accepting it and trying to open it, only to discover it wasn’t a twist-off. “Will you open it for me?”

“Oh, sure thing, sweetheart,” he said, undoing his belt and using his buckle to crack the lid off. He handed it back with a proud grin. “Here you go.”

Sadie’s eyes travelled up from his belt to his face, her jaw slightly dropped, her sexual frustration reaching uncharted new heights. “You’re fucking kidding me.”

“What?” he smiled.

“That was a dirty move, Quinn,” she growled.

Brian grinned, the picture of innocence. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t give me that face after you just opened a beer bottle with your goddamn belt like it wasn’t the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” she scoffed. “You know what the fuck you just did.”

“Who, me?”

“Oh my God,” she muttered.

He laughed and took a swig of his beer, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, letting his thumb drag along his bottom lip.

“Stop it,” she laughed, ready to throttle him.

Brian blinked at her, all doe-eyes. “What did I do?”

“I have a ton of work to do tonight,” Sadie said, trying to sound stern. “And I’m not going to fuck you every time you get jealous for no reason, so forget it.”

“Absolutely,” he said, nodding with solemn understanding.

“Seriously. I’m not going to reward you for bad behaviour.”

“No,” he agreed.

“That would set a bad precedent.”

He nodded. “Oh yeah.”

“Not going to happen.”

“Definitely not,” he said. He took another swig of his beer and then buckled his belt back up, smiling as he felt her watching his hands longingly. “Unless…”

Sadie looked up at him. “Unless what?”

Brian shrugged. “What if I rewarded you instead?”

She smirked. “How would you do that?”

Brian ran a hand through her hair, gripping the top-knot and tilting her head back so she had to look up. “Like this,” he said, lifting her out of the seat and setting her down on top of the table.

He laid her down and then knelt between her legs, one hand splayed palm-open on her stomach to hold her in place while the other slid her panties off. Sadie’s hand fumbled and held onto his, squeezing his fingers in her fist as his tongue lapped at her core. It didn’t matter how many times he did this; he’d never get tired of her taste or her shuddering breath or her quivering thighs or the keening sounds she made. He would always be hungry for her.

And as he moaned into every lick and suck and twist of his fingers and she wrapped her ankles around him and pulled him closer, he realized this was it. He’d always thought he didn’t want it, but here it was. It was walking through the door bone tired to a girl with circles under her eyes and laughter to spare, and it was saying the wrong thing sometimes and not getting into a fight over it, and it was dinner in the fridge and gentle word games and jokes. It was two people looking after each other in their own ways. This was it. This was what it meant to come home.

“Sorry,” she yelped, as she threw her head back and dug her heel into his side a little too hard. “Holy fuck, I love you.”

“That’s funny,” he said, his laughter humming through her with his tongue on her clit. He had to bob his head to follow her hips as she spasmed through her second climax.

“Why?” she cried, letting out a moan that told him he was on the right track.

“Because I was just thinking the same thing about you,” he said before he dove back in and went for the third.


	8. days when we raged, we flew off the page

It wasn’t long before Sadie and Brian learned that they loved to make up.

They were both accustomed to their independence -- Sadie’s was fought for after years of being cooped up, while Brian’s was fiercely guarded -- and sometimes that made them both hard to live with. Before Sadie had returned to New York, they hadn’t had the chance to discover each other’s bad habits. Now they had no choice but to learn to love them or murder each other trying.

They fought about superheroes and video games, whether or not Sadie should have worn a jacket, what the end of _Lost in Translation_ meant, how many treats the cats should get when they were being extra cute, how spicy was too spicy, where they should go if they ever got to go on a road trip, and everything in between.

There was the fight one rainy Saturday when they were watching _Scream_ and Brian wouldn’t believe Sadie that Jennifer Love Hewitt wasn’t in any of them. They had to put the popcorn down to argue about it.

“She was in _I Know What You Did Last Summer,”_ Sadie said, losing patience because he kept talking over all her favourite scenes. “And she was in _Party of Five_ with Neve Campbell. But she’s not in this.”

“Yeah, the girl from _I Know What You Did Last Summer,_ that’s who I’m talking about!” Brian exclaimed, losing patience because he was right and she was wrong. “She’s in the fucking second one.”

“That’s Sarah Michelle Gellar!” Sadie turned up the volume. “We’re missing all the best parts!”

He shook his head, turning the volume back down as he looked for his phone. “You weren’t even alive in the 90s.”

“Yeah I was,” she scoffed. “You must be thinking about one of your other girlfriends.”

“Oh, she’s a comedian, folks,” he said. “Are you sitting on my phone?”

“No.”

“Could you get up and check?”

“I’m not--” Sadie stood up. “Oh. Yes.”

He huffed and took his phone from her, opening the internet so he could prove her wrong. “All right, smartass, get ready to eat your words.”  

She laughed. “Yeah, look it up, hotshot.”

Sadie watched his self-righteous expression crumble into embarrassment, and triumph spread through her like the desire to bite that pouty bottom lip of his. Brian was anything but a sore loser, so he let her.

But that was the only victory he let her have, as he tossed his phone aside and pulled her onto his lap and fucked her until she couldn’t remember anyone’s name but his.

+

And then, a week later, there was the sleepy spat in the middle of the night when Brian woke Sadie up to tell her to move over.

Sadie jerked awake, startled breathless. “Are you serious?” she demanded, flipping onto her side with her back to him. “I have to be up in an hour!”

Brian snuggled up to her before she could get very far. “I tried to nudge you gently but you sleep like the dead.”

“Get off me,” she grumbled. “I probably _was_ dead. Maybe if you didn’t set the thermostat to Antarctica I wouldn’t have to go seeking warmth in my sleep.”

“I like you cuddling up to me,” he said. “But you were sleeping diagonally and pushing me onto the floor.”

She laid there, sulking, and when he draped an arm over her, she gave his wrist a love bite.

“Did you just fucking bite me?” he squawked, holding her tighter.

“You deserved it.” She tried to squirm away from him.

He laughed as he lazily grinded against her backside. “Why?”

“I was having a good dream,” she whined, sleepily pressing back against him.

“You were sleeping on my side of the bed!”

“So get up and sleep on the side I abandoned!”

“I like _this_ side.”

“I’m going to kill you.”

Brian grinned. “You’re going to what me?”

She smirked back, but only because he couldn’t see. “Kill you,” she snickered.

“You little monster,” he whispered, dragging his teeth along her shoulder blade in a bite that ended in a kiss. “How would you do that?”

“By annoying you to death.”

He smiled into the kiss he pressed to the back of her head. “Have you already started?”

“Shut up,” she grumbled.

“That would explain why I always feel so weak around you.”

“Fuck off,” she laughed.

“Speaking of annoying,” he said, his hand running down her side and slipping under the hip of her panties, curling the fabric around his hand as he pulled her back towards him. “I notice you didn’t move over very far.”

“I notice your penis doesn’t seem to mind.”

Brian smirked. “My penis doesn’t understand the point of staying on your own side of the bed.”

“Another reason why it’s by far my favourite part of you.”

His teeth nipped her ear as his fingers crept inside her underwear. “This is a king size bed, Sadie,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Yeah,” she whispered back.

“Look at all this room going to waste.”

Sadie looked at the clock, saw it was 4:38 AM, and knew she’d live to regret it if she didn’t get some sleep. He knew she had a long day ahead of her and he didn’t have anywhere to be until the afternoon, and she rolled over to give him hell for not only waking her up but also for keeping her awake. Instead, she whispered, “Guess we better make use of it.”

+

But then there was the shitty, stupid fight a few Sundays later, six days shy of summer and one day shy of Brian hitting the road for the midwest. They should’ve been attached at the hip that night, but instead, they were already miles apart.

Sadie swept down and picked his clothes up off the bedroom floor for the millionth time. “Why are you yelling at me?”

“Because every time I go to take a shower the drain is clogged!” he shouted from the bathroom. “How do you even have any hair left on your head?”

“I have a similar question about how you manage to not leave the house naked when every single fucking article of clothing you own is on the floor at all times,” she replied, not one to raise her voice, but also not one to back down when someone raised their voice at her. “It’s a miracle, honestly.”

Brian stood in the doorway, shower kit in hand, towel around his waist. “Don’t pick them up, then,” he said. “You’re not my mother.”

“Your mother would strangle you with your own pants before she picked up after you,” Sadie said, throwing an armful of his clothes in the hamper. “I’m only doing it because I’m sick of tripping over them.”

He marched across the room and picked up a lone sock, as if that helped. “Well, I’m sorry if sometimes the last thing on my mind after pulling my fourth 16-hour day in a row is putting my clothes in the laundry basket.”

“And I’m sorry if the last thing on my mind at 5 in the morning after I just pulled another all-nighter is picking my hair out of the shower drain,” she shot back. “What do you want me to do, cut it all off?”

“Well, no, it’s pretty.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Brian huffed. “I was going to throw laundry in after my shower,” he said. _“And_ I was going to ask if you wanted anything washed, but now I’m not.”

Sadie snorted. “Fine by me, since you shrank half of my clothes last time you did it.”

“I don’t know how to wash girl stuff!”

“Also, why would you do laundry _after_ your shower?” she asked. “Wouldn’t you want to have clean clothes to change into?”

Brian stared at her. “Are you aware that you’re being insufferable right now?”

“I am, actually.”

“Oh great,” he said. “At least we’re on the same page about one thing.”

Sadie brushed past him into the bathroom. “You’re the one yelling at me the night before you leave for two weeks,” she said, stepping into the tub so she could pull her long hair from the drain, which, admittedly, she should have done without being asked. When she climbed out of the tub to toss it in the wastebasket and wash her hands, he was right behind her, looking surly but also sheepish and soft. She ignored him and then rolled her eyes up at him when he didn’t get out of her way and let her pass. “What?”

“You forgot your empty shampoo bottle.”

She bit her tongue and stepped back into the shower to retrieve it (which, admittedly, again, she should have thrown out without being asked). She turned around, only to find that he was now blocking her way out of the shower. “Can you please move?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re fighting.”

“No shit.”

“What are you going to do if I let you pass?”

“Probably give you the silent treatment.”

“When I’m leaving for two weeks?” he asked. “That’s how you want to spend our last night together?”

“I’d prefer that to having you yell at me, yes.”

“I barely yelled.”

“You still yelled,” she said. “Over my _hair.”_

“I’m sorry I yelled at you for leaving hair in the drain for the nineteen thousandth time, Sadie.”

“That sounded awfully sarcastic, Brian.”

“It wasn’t entirely.”

Sadie stood her ground as their eyes locked, both of them unflinching, but still softening. “I don’t like being yelled at.”

Brian shrugged; he was sorry. “I’m a New Yorker.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“No, I know.” He uncrossed his arms. “Look, I’ll work on dialing it down if you’ll work on not condescending to me, okay?”

“I didn’t condescend to you.”

“You do it all the time when you’re mad. It’s like your defense mechanism.”

She squinted up at him, replaying their petty fights that had sprung up all night like little wildfires. “Hmm. That does sound a little like me.”

He smirked. “It drives me nuts.”

She smirked back. “How nuts?”

His smirk turned into a grin. “What’s that look all about?”

She shrugged coyly. “What look?”

“Don't give me that,” he purred. "You know which one."

Sadie leaned her hip against the shower wall when she knew she should be leaning into his arms. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too,” he said. “Who am I gonna fight with when I’m gone?”

“You can fight with Sal.”

“Yeah, but I can’t fuck him.”

Sadie laughed. “Darn right. I’d be jealous.”

“Of him or me?”

“One of you, for sure.”

He rubbed his beard while he smiled. “I feel another fight coming on.”

“Save it for Sal,” she teased. “Anyway, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. It’s not like I can fight with the cats.”

“You fucking better not.”

She looked at him. At the grey in his beard and the bottom lip between his teeth. At his eyes and how dark they were and how they lit her up whenever he looked at her. At the tattoos on his arms and how she came up to his chin and the way he was built so perfectly for her to tuck into. At the trail leading from his belly button down to the towel wrapped snugly around his hips, and the way he stood like he’d never leave her. God, he pushed her buttons, but God, she adored him.

“Do we fight too much?” she asked.

He shrugged, reaching out to tentatively tuck her hair behind her ear, and then shook his head. “I’m coming in,” he said, stepping inside the tub with her. He moved his hand to the back of her head and pulled her against his chest. “Do you think we do?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “It’s only been a month and we already get on each other’s nerves.”

“I haven’t lived with anyone for a long time,” he said.

Finally, she let herself put her arms around his waist. “I’ve never lived with someone who won’t let me get away with anything,” she chuckled. “You pick up on everything I do. I’m not used to that.”

“I notice all the cute things about you too,” he said, smiling when that made her laugh self-deprecatingly against his sternum. “You’re a know-it-all but you never forget anyone’s name or birthday. And you hog the bed like a motherfucker but you hold my hand in your sleep sometimes, and that just -- I mean, that fucking kills me.”

She laughed. “Do I?”

“You do, you reach for me,” he said. “Forget all the stupid shit we fought about tonight, Sadie. I over-reacted.”

“So did I,” she said. “I’m not tired of tripping over your clothes. I’ll miss it when the summer’s over.”

“We’ll figure something out,” he told her. “In the meantime, I still might get mad when the drain gets clogged, and I’ll still keep thermostat too low, and we’ll probably still fight like cats and dogs about silly shit. But we’ll never stay mad.”

She nodded. “Just don’t yell about little things,” she said. “It makes me feel small.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I’ll only yell if there’s a fire. Or if Jeopardy’s on.”

Sadie smiled. “You fucking better.”

His lips moved to her neck and his hands moved to the back pockets of her shorts. “I still have to pack,” he said, his voice husky and gentle. “But first, what say we turn on that shower so we can make up?”

“I say that sounds like a plan,” she replied, catching his lips with hers as he tossed his towel out onto the floor and then turned the shower on, soaking her, clothes and all. He loved the resistance her wet clothes gave him, her t-shirt sticking to her body as he pulled it over her head, her shorts clinging to her hips as he tugged them down to the shower floor. He loved the way she made him fight for everything.

After they made up in the shower, they gathered their clothes and made up in the laundry room. “Haven’t christened this room yet,” she laughed, bent over the dryer with Brian’s gentle hand holding her hair, his other hand leaving bruises on her hip. Something to make up for later.

Which they did after they folded his clothes and tucked them sadly into his suitcase and she noticed the bruises fingerprinted into her skin. This time they were gentle because this time was goodbye.

They went to sleep, whispering each other’s names, with Sadie on Brian’s side of the bed, her hair wet and his clothes all over the floor.

They wouldn’t have changed a thing.


	9. suddenly, i looked up: you were my sky

Sadie had never been so thankful for a thunderstorm.

She was afraid of a lot of things -- ghosts, murderers, spiders, her own toxic self-talk -- and being alone in Brian’s house made her feel vulnerable to everything all at once. She kept busy through the week with him gone, going early to class and coming home late (but not too late; she was scared of the subway at night), and when she finished her homework in the evenings, she worked her way through Brian’s movie collection. She slept on the couch, the bed upstairs far too big and cold to sleep in alone, and was as grateful for the cats’ company in his absence as they were for hers.

Her first weekend without him, however, was another story entirely. Usually, Sadie didn’t mind being alone, but the house was too big and still and full of unfamiliar noises for her and her overactive imagination. By Sunday afternoon, she’d vacuumed every room and convinced herself that the entire house was haunted.

She was halfway through alphabetizing his bookshelf when the thunder started.

Scrambling to her feet, Sadie rushed to the living room window to watch, but there was a tree in the yard blocking her view. The backyard was out of the question because it would remind her of their first date, when she sat beside him on the stoop and watched the storm and kissed him, truth and wine and new beginnings on their tongues, and then she’d miss him even more than she already did.

So she climbed the stairs, grimacing at the creaks, and walked past the bedroom and down the hall, where she stood on her tiptoes and pulled down the hatch to the attic. She’d been up here with him a few weeks ago on another rainy weekend, when he’d shown her his high school yearbook and made her howl with laughter over stories about his friends. Her friends. It was cozy up here and there was a dormer with a perfect little window to watch the storm roll in over the bay, so that was where she made a nest of moth-eaten blankets and settled in.

The rumbling thunder made her feel peaceful and protected as the lightning put on a show for her and she counted one-mississippi-two-mississippi between them. Once she was satisfied that this storm didn’t seem to be in a rush to go anywhere anytime soon, she took her eyes off of it to find the phone in her sweater pocket so she could take a picture and send it to Brian.

Before she could snap a good one, her phone vibrated in her hand, startling her. She felt like an asshole for being disappointed that it wasn’t Brian calling, because it was her mom, and she missed her too. “Hi Mom,” she said, her voice a little hoarse from not using it all day.

“Hey Sadie girl,” her mom replied, sounding far away. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Sadie said. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing, I was just calling to check in,” her mom said, and in true Katherine Waters fashion, already sounded anxious. “Is now an okay time? I always forget what the time difference is.”

“No worries,” Sadie assured her. “I’m two hours ahead of you. It’s almost 5.”

“Oh, you’re probably just about to have dinner.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” she said. “I’m watching the most amazing thunderstorm right now.”

“Oh,” Katherine said. “You should get off the phone then, you don’t want to electrocute yourself.”

“That’s an old wives’ tale,” Sadie said, but even if it was true, she didn’t want to hang up. She was lonely. “I’m fine.”

“Let me google it.”

“Mom,” she laughed. “Trust me.”

“Okay,” Katherine said, but clearly didn’t. “You’re inside, though?”

“Nope, I’m under a tree,” Sadie told her. “I read that’s the safest place to hide from lightning.”

“Sadie Waters,” Katherine said. “Sarcasm has never been flattering on you.”

Sadie smiled. No wonder she was riddled with anxiety. And yet sometimes, her worries, because they came from her mother, were comforting to her. Sometimes she felt safest when she could just burrow into all her fears. This was one of those times.

“How are you?” she asked her mom.

“Oh, good,” Katherine said, but it came with a little sigh like it always did. “Your cat’s in big trouble, though.”

Sadie laughed. “That’s impossible. She’s a perfect angel.”

“She’s a demon, Sadie.”

It felt so good to grin that she almost wanted to cry. “What did she do?”

“I was painting the guest room and your jerk cat jumped into the paint tray, scared herself, and took off running through the entire house,” her mom said, letting a grumpy chuckle slip. “There are red paw prints everywhere. Stop laughing! It looks like I tried to murder her and she got away.”

Sadie laughed until she had tears in her eyes as she imagined her little white furball careening through her mom’s house like the hounds from hell were after her. “Please take pictures for me,” she said, her laughter fading into happy snickers. “I can’t wait to tell Brian.”

There was a slight pause on the other end of the line. “Is he still out of town?”

“Yeah,” Sadie sighed. “For another week.”

“You’ve made sure all the doors are locked?”

“Mom, I’m not an idiot.”

“I didn’t say you were,” she said. “But you’re a small town girl in a big city, and I just worry, that’s all.”

Sadie gathered up a sigh in her lungs and held on to it. “All the doors are locked,” she said calmly. “If all else fails, I’ve got three kitties here to protect me.”

Another pause. Sadie braced herself.

“Is he going to do this often?”

There it was. “Do what?” Sadie asked.

“Leave.”

Sadie rested her head against the wall behind her. “Something on your mind, Mom?”

“Just you,” she said.

“I’m okay,” Sadie insisted. “I’m an adult, I can handle two weeks on my own.”

“Can he?”

Sadie blinked. “Pardon me?”

“I’ve been watching the show,” Katherine said. “The way he looks at girls, honey -- it worries me because you’re just so trusting, and--”

“You think he’s going to cheat on me?”

“If he hasn’t already.”

“He hasn’t,” Sadie snapped sharply.

“I hope not,” Katherine said coolly. “But I think he’s got plenty of opportunities if he wanted to.”

Sadie shook her head. “He’s a flirt,” she said. “That’s like his persona on the show. They’ve all got their thing.”

“And your boyfriend’s thing is that he’s a flirt?”

“Stop,” she said, flustered. “I don’t need you putting this in my head while he’s away.”

“It should already be in your head,” Katherine said. “This is what I mean about you being too trusting.”

Sadie had never told her mom the full story of how she met Brian. She’d told her about him sitting down next to her at the park and about the show, but she hadn’t told her that she’d followed him to a dive bar and gotten drunk with him and his three friends and then let them walk her home through streets she was too drunk to navigate. She said they’d exchanged numbers and gone on a couple of dates -- she definitely didn’t tell her that their first date had been in his home, or that she’d slept with him halfway through it. She didn’t tell her that they’d said _I love you_ before the first week was up, because that would only further prove her point that Sadie was gullible. Her mother would never trust Sadie’s intuition, and she certainly didn’t trust her heart.  

“I trust him,” Sadie said. “But that doesn’t mean I’m too trusting.”

“You barely know him,” Katherine told her. “I’m glad you have a place to stay while you’re doing this workshop, but it breaks my heart, thinking about you in a strange city, holding down the fort while he could be out on the road doing God knows what with God knows who.”

“He didn’t cheat on me the entire time I was back home,” Sadie said, sounding pathetic even to herself. The girl who dug her heels in and stood her ground over every little thing with Brian was nowhere to be seen. This was the prairie girl who skittered away in search of shelter every time someone spoke to her, desperately insisting from the ground that she wasn’t who they said she was. “Why would he do it now when I’m right here? He could’ve done God knows what with God knows who when I was a country away but he didn’t.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because he told me,” she insisted. “And I believe him.”

“Sadie.”

“What?” Sadie snapped. “Stop talking to me like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Katherine said. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Well, thank you,” Sadie said. “We have that in common.”

Her phone beeped, and Sadie pulled it away to look at it. _Brian Quinn,_ the caller ID promised, asking whether she’d like to ignore the call or put this one on hold to answer it.

“Mom, Brian’s on the other line,” Sadie said. “I’m just going to put you on hold and tell him I’ll call him back, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Her mother’s offense was loud and clear in her silence, but Sadie pressed the button anyway. “Hello?”

“Hey, sweetheart,” Brian said over Joe and Murr’s laughter in the background. “Enjoying your storm?”

Sadie smiled, propping her forehead up with the heel of her hand as she leaned forward and loved him. “I am,” she said. “Hey, I’m on the phone with my mom, can I call you back?”

“I’m actually about to go on stage pretty soon here,” Brian said. “I just saw the weather report for New York and wanted to say hi.”

“You’re cute,” she laughed. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he said back, sounding like he was smiling too. “How about I call you when I get back to my hotel?”

“Please do,” she said. “I’d like that.”

“It might be kinda late.”

“That’s fine.”

“Even though you have class in the morning?”

“I don't care.”

“You okay? You sound off.”

“No, no, I’m good,” she said in a rush. “My mom’s just calling long distance so I gotta go.”

“Oh yeah, sure, sorry,” he said. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” she told him. “Break a leg.”

They exchanged goodbyes and she hung up, taking a deep breath before she launched back into the conversation with her mom. “Hey, sorry about that,” Sadie said, surprising herself with how sturdy her voice came out.

“What was he calling about?” her mother asked, sounding slighted.

“He just wanted to say hi before their show.”

“Oh,” she said, her tone turning soft and surprised.

Sadie rolled her eyes, sitting up straight, suddenly ready for a fight. “Say it.”

“Say what?”

“Whatever you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking that he’s lovely,” Katherine said. “He cares about you. I saw that when he was here.”

Sadie turned to look at the sky, so far away and so different from the one back home. This sky actually did something. This one showed off and got messy and didn’t give a fuck if anyone thought it was beautiful. It wasn’t just sunny days, day after day, the same thing over and over, bright and boring no matter how hot or cold it felt. She knew her mom had more to say than just the fact that Brian cared about her, but it didn’t matter, because he loved her no matter what sky she was under.

“But this has an expiration date, honey,” Katherine told her, as gently as she knew how. “I know you know it, and that means he knows it too.”

June wasn’t even over yet. They still had all of July and August left. Thunder was rolling and lightning was snapping; it wasn’t time to talk about this. Not without him.

When Sadie didn’t say anything, her mom continued. “I know you don’t want to think about it,” she said. “But he can take his pick, Sadie.”

Sadie’s jaw dropped. _“Mom."_

“I’m not trying to start a fight; I’m just--”

“I don’t care,” Sadie said. “What a shitty thing to say.”

“Well, I’m sorry,” Katherine said, knowing she’d lost this fight, that Sadie was shutting her out, so she needed to get one last hook in. “Why wouldn’t he look at other options when he’s got a girlfriend who’s going to leave at the end of the summer?”

Sadie knew she shouldn’t have said anything at all, shouldn’t give her the ammunition to chew on and wound her with later, but she couldn’t help it. Suddenly she was as territorial over her heart as she was over Brian. “I’ve been thinking about staying.”

She heard her mother’s sharp intake of breath. “Sadie,” she said. “What’s gotten into you?”

“We’re in love with each other,” Sadie said, chin held high even though no one could see her but this storm. “I’m good here. I’m my best me here. I like me like this. I’m writing, and I have friends, and I just -- I don’t know, you don’t have to understand it, but I feel like I belong in New York.”

“Oh honey, it’s going to destroy you,” Katherine said, her heart breaking in her voice. “I know it seems so big and beautiful and magical right now and you miss him because he’s away, but you need to stop for a minute and think how badly this could break you.”

“I don’t break,” Sadie said. “I didn’t do it back there, I’m not going to do it here.”

“It’s good to hear you sounding so strong and sure of yourself,” Katherine said. “But you’ve already wasted so much time and put yourself on hold for someone who couldn’t love you like you deserved. I don’t want to see that happen again.”

“Neither do I,” Sadie snapped. “It’s not going to happen again.”

“Jack ran around under your nose with every girl in town for _13 years_ _,”_ Katherine snapped back. “And he wasn’t a celebrity. You won’t just have New York to contend with; you’ll have every city in America to worry about if you stay with him.”

“Actually, Impractical Jokers airs all around the world, so I guess he’ll be pretty busy.”

Her mother tsked. “This isn’t a joke, Sadie. It’s not funny.”

“No, it’s not funny,” Sadie agreed. “It’s also not a waste. I know I wasted my time on Jack, you don’t need to tell me that, and I promise you, I’m scared shitless of that ever happening to me again.” She shook her head. “But the difference is if I don’t see this out and see what happens if I stay, I mean -- that’s the fucking waste, Mom.”

“Nice language.”

Sadie sighed to keep from yelling. “Glad that’s all you heard.”

“No, I heard the rest,” Katherine said. “The other difference, Sadie, is you’ve isolated yourself out there where you don’t have anyone to anchor you and give you a reality check.”

“That’s not--”

“You can’t always trust yourself,” Katherine reminded her. “Sometimes you see things as more poetic than they really are. You’re a writer, you polish things up.”

“I don’t think that’s a bad thing,” Sadie muttered.

“What about school?” Katherine asked, knowing she had Sadie on the ropes. “You’ve only got a year under your belt here. You haven’t done enough to get into one of the universities there yet.”

“That’s something I’d have to look into.”

“It’s not like community college here where you can just waltz in and enroll,” she said. “Assuming you could even get in, you’ve probably missed the cut-off date for September enrollment. What are you going to do in the meantime? Play house?”

Sadie felt claustrophobic, the way she always did when she felt cornered. “I don’t know yet, Mom.”

“Have you researched what goes into moving to the States?”

“Yes.”

“So you know your only options are to be in school, get offered a job in your profession, or marry an American,” she said. “Are any of those things viable options, Sadie?”

Sadie pulled at a thread on the blanket keeping her legs warm. She remembered Brian telling her she could be condescending when she was mad. She hoped she never made him feel like this. “I don’t know.”

“Well, school isn’t, so getting offered a job isn’t either,” Katherine pressed. “So does he want to marry you?”

“We haven’t talked about it.”

“No? He talks about marriage on the show all the time,” Katherine said. “About what a scam it is, specifically.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t watch the show anymore if you’re going to use it as a way of dissecting my relationship.”

“I’ve seen you hurt for too long, Sadie,” Katherine said after a long moment, and suddenly she was gentle. “It nearly killed me to see what Jack did to you.”

“They’re not the same person.”

“I know, you love this one so much more,” her mom said, choking up. “I don’t know how to help you if you get hurt again. So I watch the show and I worry. I don’t know what else to do.”

“You could come visit sometime.”

“I think that would just make me sad.”

Sadie scoffed, but her eyes welled up with tears at the same time. “Then don’t, I guess.”

“You can talk to me anytime, honey,” Katherine said. “Whatever you decide, wherever you go or stay, I’m here for you. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“How are your classes?”

Sadie rolled her eyes, exhausted, but understood the subject change was her mother’s way of getting away with everything else she’d said. If they ended the conversation now, she might have to answer for it later. This way, she could bury it. Sadie didn’t have enough fight left in her to do anything but play along. “They’re good,” she said, brushing a tear away, composing herself. “I got 98 on my last assignment.”

Her mother asked about what she was working on now, and then told Sadie about the movie on Netflix she’d just watched and how Mrs. Green next door got a new puppy. Sadie barely heard any of it, her mind too distracted with all the doubt that had just been planted.

Curled up by the window on a pile of threadbare blankets long after she hung up the phone, Sadie watched the rain slow and the grey clouds pass and the blue sky peek out. Storms never last.

+

Brian had never been so thankful to see a bed.

The show had gone well but the meet and greet had been fucking exhausting. He’d said it a million times and he always meant it: they really did have the best fans in the world. But goddamn if their energy didn’t wipe him out sometimes.

Joe and Murr went out for dinner together after the show, still wired and eager to check out what downtown Detroit had to offer, while Sal and Brian went straight back to the hotel like they always did. If Brian hadn’t told Sadie he’d call, he probably would’ve just passed out facedown on top of the covers until someone dragged him out of bed in the morning.

But he did promise. So after he changed into the hotel-issued robe and turned the thermostat down to freezing, he cracked a beer from his stash in the mini fridge, stacked his pillows, and settled in on the bed. As tired as he was, he wouldn’t mind if this got a little risqué like it usually did with her.

It was almost 1:30 in the morning at this point, and Sadie was more of an early bird than a night owl, so when she didn’t answer after five rings, he figured she’d probably fallen asleep. Despite how exhausted he was, he was disappointed. But then there she was, her voice chirping a breathless hello like she’d had to run for the phone, and all of a sudden he didn’t feel quite so tired.

“Hey,” he smiled. “I was starting to think you’d gone to bed.”

“I passed out on the couch,” she said with a yawn. “Rick and Morty came on TV and I fell asleep out of self-defense.”

Brian grinned. “Someday I’ll get you to love it.”

“Maybe by giving me a lobotomy,” Sadie scoffed.

He laughed. “I see you haven’t gotten any less sassy in my absence.”

“You wish.”

His smile softened fondly. “I don’t, actually.”

Sadie’s laugh was small. “How was the show?”

“Fantastic actually, it was a perfect audience,” he said. “Everyone was having a blast so we did too.”

“That’s great,” she said. “Where are you tonight? Detroit?”

“Yeah, then we’re off to Lansing in the morning,” he said, picking up on her almost imperceptible tone. “What about you? How’s your mom?”

“She’s fine,” Sadie said, but Brian didn’t like how quickly she answered. “She told me my cat’s being bad.”

“Impossible,” he said. “She’s a perfect angel.”

Sadie laughed quietly. “That’s exactly what I said.”

Brian chewed on his bottom lip. She sounded far away in more than miles. “You sound off, Sadie.”

“I’m not,” she said, too quickly again.

“Just tired?”

“Just tired.”

The majority of their relationship had played out over phone calls. They’d been together over a year now, and he’d called her in the middle of the night more times than he could count, when he was feeling lonely or affectionate or horny. She’d always been game to play along, whether it was to comfort or laugh or rile him up. And Brian knew what she sounded like on the other end of the line when she was lonely or affectionate or horny too, and it wasn’t this. He knew this voice. He’d only heard it a couple of times, but he knew it.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I just said--”

“I know, but I don’t believe you,” he said. “Did your mom say something?”

Sadie let out a little laugh, no more than a derisive breath. “Nothing gets past you. You’re like a little bloodhound.”

Brian put his beer down on the bedside table. “What did she say to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sadie, you know she does this,” Brian said. “She’s bored and lonely so she tries to make you feel bad about yourself so she can feel relevant. Whatever she said was bullshit.”

“Probably,” Sadie said. “But I still don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sadie,” he said in a teasing, scolding voice. “Come on. Talk to me.”

“No,” she said. “You talk to me.”

“That’ll help?”

“Yeah.”

“I shouldn’t just let you go to sleep?”

“I’ve been sleeping all day.”

Brian frowned. That was a sad image. He was dead-tired and his throat was sore from the show and meet and greet, but if there was one person he’d happily lose sleep and his voice over, it was her. “I wish you were here.”

“What would you do if I was?”

Those were the magic words that historically turned their phone calls dirty. Once he’d caught her when she was grocery shopping, and the little minx had dropped her voice and continued to shop as she played along, listening to all the things he wanted to do to her while she encouraged him with soft and subtle _mmhmm_ s and the occasional _oh would you?_ In return, it was her filthy mouth that had gotten him through many long nights in countless hotel rooms, her breathless purrs wrapping themselves around his hand as it moved.

But tonight, even if she was willing to take it there, he wouldn’t ask her to. “I’d hug you,” he chuckled.

She chuckled back. “That’s it?”

“Maybe play with your hair a little,” he said. "That turns you into a kitten."

"It's soothing," she explained. 

He smiled. “Once you were cozy, I'd go get you some soup.”

“What kind?”

“Tomato, obviously,” he replied. “Then we’d fall asleep watching something shitty with a laugh track.”

Sadie sounded like she was smiling. “Something from the 90s?”

“Oh, yeah,” he chuckled. “Some _Home Improvement_ or _Everybody Loves Raymond.”_

“God, they’re both so terrible, I love them so much,” she said. “I’m checking if either of them are on as we speak.”

“Aren’t you in bed?” Brian asked.

“No,” she said. “I’ve been sleeping on the couch all week.”

“You have? Why?”

“The bed’s too big without you,” she said. “I also heard a noise upstairs the other day and I think it’s ghosts.”

“It’s not,” he laughed. “You’re fine. Go up to bed, I’ll stay on the phone with you.”

“I like the couch,” she said. “Brooklyn’s sleeping on me.”

He smiled. “My best girls.”

“These little purr goblins have been following me around all day,” Sadie said. “I love them.”

“They love you,” he told her. “They know when their people have a bad day.”

“Am I their people?”

“Well yeah, because you’re mine.”

Sadie laughed softly. “I wonder what people would do if they knew you were actually the biggest sap on earth.”

“No one would ever believe it,” Brian said. “Until they met my girlfriend.”

“Stop,” she laughed. “I’m about to start walking to Detroit.”

“Don’t do that, you have a terrible sense of direction,” he said, picking up the remote and turning on the TV to scroll through the channels. “You’ll wind up in Florida.”

“Fun,” she said, trying her best to perk up for him, but he didn’t want her to. He loved this soft, sad Sadie as much as he loved the sweet girl he’d met on that park bench, as much as he loved the playful one who’d split a pitcher of beer with him in a Manhattan dive bar and the one who’d come back ready to take on the world. He loved this Sadie as much as the feisty one that never let him win a fight, and the naughty one that had the power to lead him like a siren into a comedy club bathroom with just the look in her eyes. This Sadie couldn’t make him laugh, and she couldn’t make him hard, and she couldn’t make him feel better or less tired, but he loved her. He would drop everything and go home to her just as fast as he would for any of the others, maybe even faster.

And that was when Brian realized he needed her to stay.

“Did you fall asleep?” Sadie asked.

“Nah,” he said, her voice startling him out of his thoughts. He stopped his robotic channel-surfing and set the remote down. “I found _Everybody Loves Raymond.”_

“Me too,” she said. “I’ve rolled my eyes like five times already. Want to watch it with me?”

“Fucking love to,” he said, getting up to plug his phone in to the charger. “Are you comfortable?”

“Snug as a bug,” she replied, and he wished harder than ever that he was there with her and the cats, cuddled up on the couch and watching sitcom reruns all night.

He could listen to her running commentary and begrudging laughter for the rest of his life, but when the sun rose, they had to hang up. He wished her luck in class today, and she wished him luck on their show tonight, and their _love you_ s were sleepy and gentle. As soon as she was gone, he felt her absence like an ache in his limbs.

Rain started up outside his hotel room window as her summer storm found him in Michigan, and he wondered how the hell he was going to face September and everything after without her.


	10. i was all alone for too long (and my home is in your arms)

“Can you idiots shut the fuck up for a minute?” Brian yelled, holding the phone away from his mouth. “And maybe turn down the music?”

“Kim Wilde!” Joe shouted back, like that was an answer, which, Brian supposed, for Joe Gatto, it was.  

It had been a week since Sadie’s call from her mother, and she never did tell him what it had been about but it was obvious it had done a number on her. That was why Brian had been keeping his phone close at hand, quick to answer even in moments like this, when they were on the road and the guys were bouncing off the walls. They ribbed him for it, but he still saw their smiles and knowing glances whenever they heard him pick up the phone and say her name.

“Sorry Sadie,” Brian said, wincing as the van went over a speed bump. “Joe’s been into the donuts and he’s got his pants off.”

“Jesus,” Sadie laughed on the other end of the line. “Sounds like a proper dance party over there.”

“Honestly, I can’t hear a goddamn word you’re saying,” Brian told her, then muttered _wait a sec_ and held his phone against his chest as he shouted, “I can’t hear, you assholes!”

“You want it louder?” Joe yelled, out of his seat and gyrating like a lunatic to 80s pop hits. He hollered up to the driver, “Maestro! Crank up the hot jams!”

“Joey, I’ll fucking kill you,” Brian warned him, a little laugh betraying his very serious threat on Joe’s life. “Let me say goodnight to my girlfriend and then you can Wilde out all you want.”

“Fine, but only for Sadie,” Joe said, and Brian had no doubt that was true. They’d been on the road for the last six hours and they were all going stir-crazy, but none as badly as Joe, who had more energy than a nuclear power plant. “Maestro, crank down the hot jams for a minute.”

Once the music was at a more bearable volume, Brian held the phone to his ear again. “I’m back,” he said. “I did some sweet talking.”

“Yeah, I heard some sweet sweet death threats,” Sadie laughed. “I’m falling asleep as we speak so I won’t keep you long.”

“It’s only 9:30,” he chuckled. “You’re a little old lady.”

“I had eight billion things due this week,” she said. “I’ve slept like five hours since Monday.”

“That sounds like a nightmare,” he said. “Good thing you get a couple days off now.”

“Thank goodness,” she said. “Anyway, I just wanted to double check what time you’ll be home tomorrow night.”

Brian smiled. “You could’ve asked that in a text message.”

“Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have heard your voice,” she said. “I like hearing it before I go to sleep.”

Brian’s grin deepened. “Oh yeah?” he asked, voice turning silky. “Are you in bed?”

“No!” Joe roared. “I didn’t turn down the music so you could have phone sex!”

Sadie laughed, receiving Joe’s message loud and clear. “No,” she said. “I’m snuggled up on the couch.”

“Still?” he asked. “That can’t be good on your back.”

“I’m a little sore in the morning sometimes,” she admitted. “But only one more night until you’re home.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’ll be a little late, but I’ll be home.”

“I can’t wait,” she said. “I’ll wait up.”

“I can’t wait either, it’s been too goddamn long,” he said, and then smiled, laying down across the seats in the back row of the van, the most privacy he could get at the moment. “But for now, go the fuck to bed.”

She laughed. “Tomorrow.”

“Tonight,” he said. “Get upstairs.”

“Hmm,” she said. “Are you bossing me around?”

“Sure am.”

“You know I don’t like being bossed around.”

He smirked. “I think you kinda do.”

She snickered. “Maybe a little,” she said. “But not when I’m home alone and your house makes creepy noises at night.”

“It’s always made creepy noises -- you just didn’t notice because I was there,” he said. “And I’m here now, so get going.”

“You’re a villain.”

“Get up,” Brian said. “I’ll stay with you till you’re in bed.”

Sadie sighed, and Brian smiled because he could picture her perfectly: the affectionate eye roll and the crooked little smile, a mix of impatient and adoring. “Fine,” she muttered. “I’m bringing Chessie with me.”

“Bring Benjamin,” he told her. “Chessie’s bigger, but Benjamin’s more protective.”

“Good call,” she said, and his heart melted as he listened to her gently coax his oldest rescue over to her and then scooped him up into her arms. “Okay, here I go.”

Brian walked her to their room with his words, satisfied when he heard the tell-tale creaks of his stairs, knowing she was listening to him. She grumbled to herself as she turned on every light in the hallway, and he loved what a surly little scaredy cat she was. He almost wished he was there to jump out from behind a corner and scare her (but knew it would probably be the last thing he ever did). Listening to her grumpily fluff her pillows for maximum comfiness, he cursed the state lines and miles keeping him from climbing into bed next to her.

“Okay, I’m under the covers and freezing to death on your side of the bed,” Sadie said. “Happy?”

“Yeah, doesn’t that feel better?”

“It’s comfier,” she admitted. “But too big. And cold. And there’s no you.”

“Soon,” he said. “I want you to get a good sleep.”

“Why, because I won’t be sleeping when you get back?”

“You read my mind.”

“I usually can,” she said. “Nine times out of ten, you’re thinking about sex.”

“Guilty.”

“Q, I know that goddamn tone,” Joe snapped. “Get off the phone before you pop a boner.”

“Joe, I promise you,” Brian said. “You keep walking around here without your pants on and I’ll never pop a boner again.”

Sadie laughed sleepily. “Let Joe have his dance party,” she said through a yawn. “If you do get a boner, I want a picture.”

Brian beamed. “You gonna send me something back?”

“No, I’m going to sleep.”

“Ugh,” he groaned. “You fucking tease.”

“Goddammit, Q!”

Brian laughed at Joe’s outrage. “Joey’s gonna kill me.”

“Tell him he’s not allowed to until you come home,” Sadie said. “And also tell him goodnight. And tell him to come to our party on Wednesday.”

“I already did, he said he wouldn’t miss it,” Brian said, and then grinned helplessly when she yawned again. “Get some sleep, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Feels like Christmas,” she said, and he agreed.

He told her he loved her and to have a good sleep, and then hung up, holding his phone over his chest as he looked up at the van’s roof. The music cranked up immediately, and he listened to his friends laugh together with a grin on his face in the back seat. He wasn’t home yet, but he was with them, and for once he didn’t have a worry in the world.

His phone buzzed and he looked down to see a text from Sadie that just said _titties!_

“What are you grinning about?” Sal asked, peering down over the seats at him.

Brian ignored him and opened the message that followed. It was a picture of his cats crowded around her legs on his bed. He laughed.

“Jesus Christ,” Sal said, staring at him in awe. “You’re like a teenage girl right now.”

A third text from Sadie came in. _Oops! I meant kitties***_

“Fuck,” Brian grinned, looking up at Sal, lovelorn and pathetic.

“Who _are_ you?” Sal demanded, but couldn’t help grinning back.

“I don’t even know,” Brian laughed, shaking his head.

Sal studied Brian quietly as he texted Sadie back. His friend hadn’t looked this young in years. Not since before he’d had his heart broken for the first time. It was startling. “Q,” Sal said.

Brian glanced up from his phone, smile still fixed on his face. “What?”

Sal nodded at the phone in Brian’s hand, at Sadie’s name at the top of the screen. “You’re gonna ask her to stay, right?”

Brian’s smile didn’t fade, and that was how Sal knew he meant it when he said, “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Sal said. “Good.”

“Yeah,” Brian grinned. “And this time I won’t wait until the night before she leaves to ask.”

Sal wanted to hug him. “Atta boy.”

Sal watched him text Sadie back with his big clumsy thumbs and figured he’d lost his attention to her, but then Brian shook his head and said, “If she says no, I’ll be a fucking wreck.”

Sal’s gaze caught on Brian’s phone screen as Sadie’s swift response came back. He smirked and gestured to it. “Judging by the five heart emojis she just texted you, I don’t think she will.”

Brian smiled. Historically, Brian Quinn was not an easy person to reassure. And yet here he was, hearts and smiles, on his back, sated.

Kim Wilde’s “You Keep Me Holding On” came pouring through the speakers, turning the van into a travelling disco, and Sal turned to look at the commotion going on in the front half. “Shit’s about to go down,” he said.

Brian laughed and sat up so he could get a better view of Joe, who was practically hanging from the ceiling in his underwear. If there had been a chandelier, he would’ve been swinging from it. It was hard to believe the man had never tasted a drop of alcohol in his life.

As the song ramped up and Joe’s pelvic thrusts got wilder, Sal cackled and pulled his own phone out to take a video. He got up out of his seat to move closer to the action, then stopped. “Hey, quick question.”

“What?”

Sal opened the Periscope app, but looked back at Brian before he pressed record. “Did I hear you tell her we’ll be home tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

The van whipped past a road sign, promising _New York City, 10 Miles._ Brian saw it and smiled. “I want to surprise her.”

+

Sadie didn’t know what woke her up in the middle of the night, but she was pretty sure it was either a cat or a ghost. She was too tired to deal with either right now, so she rolled over and went back to sleep.

But then she heard the creaks on the stairs and felt the cats leap off the bed and run for the door. She’d been so nervous to sleep up here alone that she’d turned on every hall light she could when she went to bed, but as she watched them turned off one by one, her heart sped up, but not out of fear. She hadn’t felt this safe in two weeks.

Sadie turned over and listened to the footsteps in the hall get closer, not entirely positive she wasn’t dreaming, until Brian was finally there, standing in the door frame, looking like a dream.

“You asshole,” she laughed.

Brian laughed back. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she grinned. “What the fuck?”

He shrugged, dropping his backpack on the floor. “I thought you’d be sleeping.”

She was so happy that her smile was shaking. “Yeah, and I thought you’d be home tomorrow.”

He could see the little tremble, and he loved her. “I mean, technically, it _is_ tomorrow.”

“Get over here,” she said, sitting up in bed as he crossed the room and swooped down to kiss her. He held her face in his hands and kissed her until she stopped shaking and then held her against his chest, their hearts hammering together. “You’re home.”

“So are you,” he told her, one hand tangled in her hair and the other pressed against her spine under her t-shirt. “I wanted to be here when you woke up.”

“You could’ve given me a heart attack,” Sadie laughed, planting kisses along his neck and jawline until she found his lips in the dark again. “Jesus, I love you.”

“Tell me about it,” he huffed. “I don’t know how we did it for 10 months. Two weeks just about killed me.”

“I guess that means you should probably never leave again.”

“Next weekend we’re shooting in Jersey,” he said.

“No,” she replied, her voice a sad little whimper.

Brian kissed her forehead. “Come with me.”

Sadie pulled back to look at him. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he said. “We can leave after you’re done class on Friday and come back Sunday night.”

“I have an evening class on Friday,” she said. “But I’ll skip it.”

“You will?” he asked. “That won’t put you behind?”

“It might,” she said. “But right now, I’d take being a little behind over you leaving without me.”

Brian eased her down onto her back. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said, his voice soft and content. He turned his head to kiss the inside of her elbow as her arms went around his neck, and sighed when her legs spread to fit his hips between her thighs. “Not without you.”

He sat back on his knees and slid her shirt up her body and over her head, tossing it over his shoulder, and then pulled his own off. He let his hand roam her body, from her outer thighs, across her hip bones, up her stomach, over her breasts, loving every kind and patient inch of her. He loved every freckle and quickened breath and shiver, and he hoped the kisses he pressed on her skin told her all the ways he’d missed her.

There were no fumbling hands tonight, no preamble or foreplay, just the two of them slowly fitting together again. Sleepy and peaceful and in love, they were skin-on-skin and face-to-face, taking their time and finding a rhythm their hearts could break and heal to. Sadie loved the way Brian suddenly smiled sometimes, and the way he tucked his face into the hollow of her neck when he did. He loved that they moved like the storm they’d missed, rattling the walls, his hips rolling and crashing and Sadie’s fingernails scratching bolts of lightning on his back, in every way hurting and gentle and beautiful.

It was slow and soft but deep and it still built up to something that took their breaths away and had them shaking. Brian laced his fingers with Sadie’s, pushing their hands down into the bed as they both climbed closer to their edges, and when he said he loved her she said she loved him too and kissed his collarbone. He watched her face as she came, chin tilted up and breath hitching, and he followed right after, eyelashes fluttering, throat stuttering out a moan with her name in it.

Brian kissed her and fell onto his back, unable to stop his hands from touching her. “That was new,” he chuckled softly.

“I’ll say,” she chuckled back. “I hate to say it, but did we just fucking make love?”

“Ugh, gross, I hate that phrase, never say it again,” he laughed, beaming over at her when she laughed too. “But yeah, I think that’s what might’ve just happened.”

“What a couple of nerds,” she said, hearts in her eyes as she grinned at him.

“Come here, nerd,” he said, opening up his arm so that she could curl up against him. Tonight, there were no sides to this bed. Wherever he was, he wanted her there.

They both laughed when Benjamin seemed to think Brian was talking to him and jumped up on the bed with them. The other two didn’t waste any time following suit, and soon they were covered in cats competing for their attention. There was no way it could get better than this, and maybe later that would scare them and they wouldn’t talk about it until it was too late -- but tonight, everything was perfect.

“Jesus,” Brian said, smiling when Sadie kissed his cheek. “It’s good to be home.”


	11. unabashed, oh my darling, you're amazing

After two weeks apart, the only plan Sadie and Brian had for the weekend was to be inseparable. So the next morning when Brian asked her what her perfect day would be, and she said The Strand, he was more than happy to take her there. 

“Ugh,” she grinned, holding his hand as they walked through the front doors of her favourite Manhattan bookstore. “This is my Good Place.”

Her mood was contagious. He gave her hand a squeeze to go with the smile on his face. “When was the last time you were here?”

“The morning after the night we met,” she chirped, taking in the rows of books like she didn’t know where to start. “The last time I was here, I’d only kissed you twice.”

That took Brian aback. It was weird to think that a time existed when they were just two strangers falling for each other. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she said. “That was the happiest hangover I’ve ever had.”

Brian pulled his Yankees hat lower on his head, desperately hoping no one would recognize him while they were out. He didn’t have eyes for anyone but her today. “I remember you came straight from here to my place for our first date,” he said. “You’d forgotten to eat lunch because you were distracted by all the books.”

Sadie picked up a store map. “That was only half true,” she said. “You were also very distracting.”

“Me?” he asked. “Because I kept texting you?” 

“No, because I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you,” she said. “That made it hard to look at books or keep track of the time.”

Brian slipped his hand out of hers so he could sling his arm around her shoulder instead as they wandered aimlessly further into the store. “Jeez, you must’ve had a crush on me.”

“Quit it,” she laughed, elbowing him halfheartedly when he relished in her blush. 

Brian gave her shoulder a squeeze. “I felt the same way after that first night,” he said. “I just wasn’t nearly as cute about it.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

He laughed. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. You’re very cute.”

“I mean, if you think me going home and thinking about you while I jerked off is cute, then I was adorable.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, don’t tell me that shit in public,” Sadie whispered, flustered and annoyed. “How am I supposed to read with that image in my head?”

Brian shrugged innocently. “The next morning, too.”

“Why do you always do this to me?” she grumbled, helpless against the wave of want that went through her. “You stupid asshole. I can’t take you anywhere.”

Brian grinned at her. “Did you just fan yourself with the store map?”

Sadie quickly slipped the map into her purse. “No.” 

He decided to take pity on her, but only because he didn’t want to get caught with an inappropriate erection in a popular bookstore. “Where do you want to go first?” he asked. “I’m following your lead -- if we split up, I’ll never find you.”

“Are you sure you want to give me that kind of freedom?” she asked. “We’ll be here forever.”

“I got nowhere else to be,” he said, letting her lead him up the stairs to the Fiction section. She drifted out from beneath the arm he had around her, gravitating towards a table full of $1 pocketbooks, and he watched her paw through them. “You look like a kid in a candy store.”

Sadie looked up from the book she had in her hand, already lost in her own little world. “Sorry?”

He smiled. “Nothing,” he told her. “What should we read next?”

Sadie set the book down with an unsure smirk. “You want to read something else together?”

“Well, yeah,” he said. That had just been a given to him. “We’re almost done your book.”

She looked like he’d told her it was her birthday. The possibilities were endless. “Then it’s your turn,” she said. “You pick.”

He frowned. “That’s a lot of pressure.”

“What’s your favourite?” she asked. “Let’s read that.”

Brian read as much as she did, if not more, and he did have a favourite book; he just wasn’t sure she’d like it. “Okay,” he said, hoping she wouldn’t wrinkle her nose at it when she found out what it was. “This place is a labyrinth though, I don’t even know where to start.”

Sadie kissed his cheek. “Take your time,” she said. “I’m sure I can keep myself entertained while you hunt it down.”

“Nerd,” he said, kissing her forehead in return, and then walked away from her for the first time since he’d gotten home last night.

His book ended up not being hard to find at all, but unfortunately, in doing so, he also found a trio of college-aged girls who recognized him from the show. He smiled through the cringe that their strident cry of  _ Q!!!  _ elicited from him, hoping it wouldn’t draw anyone else’s attention. He let them hug him, thanking them as they told him their favourite moments. 

“Are you doing the show right now?” one of them asked as they all vibrated with excitement. “Are we on it?”

“No,” he chuckled. “Just checking out the books like you.”

“You can check us out any time,” the girl in the back muttered, all three of them breaking into giggles over it. 

He laughed uncomfortably, tucking the book under his arm as he took a step back. The rows of this store were narrow and he felt trapped. He had seven years’ worth of fan encounters and had mostly mastered the art of being Q for them no matter what his mood was, but he felt guilty, letting them flirt with him when Sadie was somewhere close, reading by herself. 

“Can we take a selfie with you?” one of them asked, and he smiled and said absolutely. One selfie turned into three, one for each of them, arms circling his waist, cheeks pressing against his, and he was happy to do it, but when a hand maybe-accidentally, maybe-on-purpose brushed over his ass as the prettiest of the girls separated from him, he was finished.  

“I gotta run, but it’s great to meet you girls,” he said. “Thanks for watching the show.”

He knew he probably looked like an asshole, but that had never really been a concern of his in life. He just wanted to find Sadie again, so he left them with a wave and set off in search of her. 

She was harder to find than his book had been, but when he finally spotted her, his real smile came back. There she was in Classics, sitting on her knees on the floor in her summer dress, a stack of books beside her and one open on her lap, reading the inside flap with a seriousness he rarely saw on her face. He wanted to build her a fucking library if it meant giving her moments like this. 

The hardwood floorboards groaned as he walked towards her, and she moved her books and scooted to the side, thinking she was in someone’s way, until she looked up and saw it was him. Her serious expression softened into delight. “Welcome back,” she said.  

“Thanks,” he said, and nodded at her mountain of books. “What you got there?”

“Treasures,” Sadie smiled. “What did you find?”

Brian held his book up for her to see. “Hunter S. Thompson.”

Sadie read the title. “ _ Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?” _ She reached up a hand so she could take the book from him, turning it over to look at the back. “Did you know this was the most stolen book at the store I worked at? We couldn’t keep it on the shelf.”

He laughed. “Really? Why?”

She gave him a teasing smile. “Big hit among hooligans, I guess.” 

He smiled back. “Have you read it?”

She shook her head, thumbing through the pages. 

“Would you wanna read it with me?” he asked. 

She looked up. “Well, yeah, it’s your favourite, isn’t it?”

“I think so.”

“Then of course I do.” She got to her feet, dusted her knees off, and then stooped down to pick up her books. “Can we go check out the Horror section?”

Brian carried her books for her. “Hey, great idea for a girl who’s scared of her own shadow.”

“Listen,” she laughed. “That happened  _ one _ time and I told you about it in  _ confidence.” _

“Doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of you for it for the rest of our lives,” he teased, the words out before he could think twice about them. _For the_ _rest of our lives,_ he’d said, as casually as he would’ve told her it was supposed to be sunny this weekend.  

Sadie laughed but didn’t comment on it, and Brian was glad, but he could tell she hadn’t missed it. She studied the cover of  _ Fear and Loathing,  _ the look on her face contemplative, and he braced himself for what she was going to say. 

“You know,” she said, pressing her shoulder into his on their walk over to Horror, “I’ve never been to Vegas.” 

_ “What?” _ Brian squawked. “We’re going.”

She laughed. “Well then,” she said. “It’s a date.”

“Yeah?” He grinned at her. “When?”

She shrugged, turning down the Horror aisle and going right for Stephen King. “I don’t know,” she said. “Probably not this summer, it’ll be too hot.”

Brian leaned his elbow on the shelf and looked down at her as she crouched on the floor. “Not this summer, huh?” he asked with a smile. “Fall?”

She smirked up at him from behind a copy of  _ Cujo.  _ “That’s what comes after summer, yeah.”

Brian had half a mind to reach out a toe and push her over for being a smartass. “Brat,” he said, running a hand through his hair, suddenly nervous. “Hey, uh, speaking of after summer, I--”

“There he is, there he is,” a frenzied voice whispered. Brian turned his head to look at the end of the aisle and saw that the trio of girls from earlier had found them. His heart sank. 

“Q, oh my God, hi, sorry,” one of them said as they approached in a pack. She was the one whose hand had grazed his ass earlier, and her intentions were written all over her face now, while her friends were clearly just along for the ride. One was an instigator, here to enjoy her friend’s celebrity crush, and the other was the referee, here to rein it in. 

The Horror aisle had a dead-end, so this time he didn’t just feel trapped; he  _ was _ trapped. “My picture didn’t turn out,” the ass-grazer told him. “Can I get another one?”

“Oh, hey,” Brian said, taking a step toward them. “Yeah, no problem.”

Sadie watched from her crouched position on the floor as Brian put his arm around the girl. She watched the girl put her arm around his waist and raise a hand to take the selfie. He was on loan for a moment, and Sadie tried not to let it bother her. She went back to her books, willing herself not to bristle. 

“Fuck, this one sucks too,” the girl said, looking at the picture on her phone screen. “I keep cutting myself out.”

“You probably need to get in closer, Haleigh,” the instigator friend snickered.

The girl, Haleigh, smiled up at Brian, her arm around his waist tightening. “One more?”

Brian looked at Sadie, who shrugged. It wasn’t like he could say no. 

“I can take it for you,” Sadie said, and got to her feet.  

“Good idea,” Brian said, giving her a smile that said thank you and sorry. 

“Oh, sure, thanks,” Haleigh said, and handed the phone over with a smile. She pressed in close as Sadie took the picture, her head on his shoulder like he was her prom date.

Sadie gave the phone back. “Here you go,” she said. “I took a bunch.”

“You’re the best,” Haleigh said. “Are you a fan too?”

“No,” Sadie said, and then grimaced. “Well, no, I am.”

Brian went back to her. “Most of the time, right?” he chuckled, smiling at Sadie. “This is my girlfriend.”

_ “Really?”  _ Haleigh asked, not realizing that her shock was offensive until she saw the wounded look at Sadie’s face. “Oh my God, sorry, that was rude; I just mean you’re not like what I would’ve expected or whatever. You’re so normal.”

Brian’s tone was jovial and friendly, but his hand on Sadie’s back was protective as he laughed and said, “What are you talking about? She’s beautiful.”

“Jesus, Haleigh,” the instigator friend snickered, obviously enjoying Haleigh putting her foot in her mouth. “Nice one.”

“Come on, Hales,” the referee friend announced, putting an end to this awkwardness. “Thanks for the pictures.”

“Sure,” Brian said. “Thanks for saying hi, girls.”

With a smattering of goodbyes and thank yous, the three of them left, giggling all the way. 

“Sadie,” Brian said, their laughter underscoring her name. 

Sadie turned away and reached for a book at random. “You don’t have to call me beautiful,” she chuckled.

Brian glanced over his shoulder to make sure the girls were gone, and then he crowded Sadie in a way she didn’t particularly like, but made it impossible for her to look anywhere but up at him. “Hey,” he said, backing her up into the farthest corner of the aisle. 

“Hi,” she said back, chin up. 

“Cut it out,” he said, and when she couldn’t look him in the eye, he knew he was right about how she was feeling. “I’m not giving you a second to think about this.”

“Think about what?” she asked, her fingers touching the books behind her for comfort. “It’s your job. Kissing babies, taking selfies.”

“It is,” he agreed. “But that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what are you talking about?” Sadie asked. “Can you back up? I don’t know why you’re doing this.”

“Because I know you and I know how your brain works,” Brian said, not moving an inch. “You’ll take what she said and run with it, so I’m going to nip this in the bud.”

“Okay,” she said. There was something both infuriating and liberating about the way he understood her. “Then do it.”

“You are not fucking normal,” Brian said, his arms on either side of her. “You’re a lot of things, but normal’s not one of them. And if no one’s made it abundantly clear, that’s one of the best things about you.”

She nodded. “Thanks.”

“Fuck whatever that girl expected -- she doesn’t know me and she definitely doesn’t know you,” he said. “I don’t know what bullshit she had in mind, but as far as I’m concerned, you exceed expectations. All right?”

“Okay,” she said. 

“You listening to a word I’m saying?”

“All of them.”

Brian could feel her knees shaking against his, and he knew she was telling the truth. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, and her breathing changed, evening out, calming. He brought his arms down, letting his hands fall to her waist, his thumb stroking her hip bone through her sun dress. “It’s the fucking truth,” he said. 

She leaned forward. “Thank you.” 

He pushed her away gently because he wanted to look at her face. “What bugs me most is the only part you protested to was me calling you beautiful.”

Sadie shrugged. “You don’t have to say it just to make me feel better, that’s all I meant.”

“I didn’t say it to make you feel better,” he said. “I said it because it’s what you are.”

Her first instinct was to drop her gaze, to break eye contact, to not let him look too closely at her. But if there was anything that New York and Brian Quinn had taught her, it was that there were different ways of being beautiful. So she held his gaze and loved him right back. 

“You’re a cheeseball,” she whispered, stretching up to kiss the tip of his nose. “And I’m bananas about you.”

Brian grinned. Cheeseball wasn’t really his style, and he was glad to be called on it. It meant she was back to herself. “Phewf.”

Sadie leaned back against the shelves behind her, no longer feeling claustrophobic, but instead perfectly content. “It’s surreal, being here with you.”

“Why?” he asked, leaving a kiss on her forehead. 

She melted into it. “Because the last time I was here, we weren’t quite us yet.”

“Not yet,” he said. “But I think we both knew we would be.”

Sadie nodded, biting her lip as his mouth hovered near her temple. “Yeah,” she managed. “But it’s still surreal. I was standing here thinking about kissing you, hoping you’d do more than kiss me when I saw you later that night, but I never thought someday I’d come back here and hear you say all those things to me.”

“I mean, I never thought I’d say them to anyone.” He ducked his head, his lips brushing the apples of her cheek as he spoke. “Everything’s changed.”

“Not everything,” she whispered, her laugh coming out soft and broken with him so close and tender. “I’m still standing here thinking about kissing you.”

“Yeah?” He grinned. “What else were you thinking about that day?”

Sadie’s fingers found their home in his belt loops, drawing him in closer. “Your hands,” she said. 

He smiled. “What about them?”

“I had my eye on them all night,” she told him quietly. “I couldn't stop thinking about them the next day.”

“About what they could do?” he asked. 

She nodded. 

His voice dropped to a dirty scratch. “Did it make you wet?”

Sadie exhaled. “Brian,” she said, shaky instead of scolding.

“I asked you a question,” he said. 

The change from sweet to domineering brought a crooked smile to her lips. She loved when he talked to her like this. “Ask me again.”

Brian loved when she smiled at him like that. His voice turned to velvet as he went into storytelling mode. “A year ago, you’re standing here, you’re in a brand new city, you haven’t been good and fucked in years, and you met someone last night. You didn’t fuck him but you wanted to, and now you can’t stop thinking about it,” he told her, lulling her into longing. “Are you wet?”

“Yes,” she said. 

“Good girl,” he murmured. “What did you want me to do to you?”

She thought about it, a little too hard. Heat flushed through her. “What if there’s people in the next aisle?” she whispered. 

“There aren’t,” he said, but had no fucking idea. “What did you want my hands to do?”

“Pin me up against a wall,” she said, barely audible, lost in lust. 

Brian’s knee nudged her legs apart and pressed up between them, his arms trapping her in place against the bookshelves behind her. “Like this?”

“Just like this.”

“And then what?”

“I wanted to know if you could make me come with just your fingers.”

He smiled into her hair, his knee pushing harder up against her core. “You had quite the first date planned.”

“Yeah,” she whispered, responding to the delicious pressure more than his words. “Ah fuck. Okay, oh my God. Holy shit.”

He nipped her ear between his teeth, cheeky and brazen. “Something wrong, sweetheart?”

“No,” she breathed, gasping when his knee moved left to right. She raised up on her tiptoes, hands on his shoulders to brace herself. “Oh, you bastard.”

He batted his eyelashes at her. “Yes?”

“Your fucking knee,” she whispered.  

He grinned, just rubbing harder. “You came so hard that night you shook like a leaf,” he whispered back, hoarse and husky in her ear. “Do you remember?”

“I remember,” she said, her voice barely more than a breathless yelp now. “I think about it all the time.”

“So do I,” he said. “I bet I could make you do it again.”

“What?"

He pulled his knee back and replaced it with the heel of his hand, palming her over her dress. His tone was as non-negotiable as his touch. “Now,” he whispered. “Right here.”

_ “Brian,” _ she hissed, just short of panting. “What if someone --  _ Christ _ that feels fucking-- no, stop, this is so stupid, what if someone sees?”

He dragged his teeth along her neck but didn’t bite down, his hand moving up so that the tips of his four fingers could press into her clit. He didn’t move; he just held his fingers there, his fingers applying enough brutal pressure he could almost feel her throb under his grip. “You want me to stop?”

Sadie looked past him at the empty aisle. “Hurry.”

Brian glanced over his shoulder, then turned back and kissed her, terse and rough. "Keep watch."

His fingers flexed. Her fingers raked his back. He grabbed her hand and pinned it behind her, and with his other hand he reached up under her sundress. He didn’t have time to relish in the wetness he could feel through her panties; someone could turn the corner and catch them any second, so he shoved the fabric aside and slid two fingers inside her. In and out, the pad of his thumb pressed down on her clit, no time to find a rhythm, just ravaging. She didn’t make a sound and he didn’t take a breath but it couldn’t have been longer than thirty seconds before she smacked his shoulder with an open palm and gushed down his hand as she came. 

“Holy shit,” he said, pulling his hand back and looking at the liquid running down his wrist. “You fucking did that.”

_ “You  _ fucking did that,” Sadie gasped, weak in the knees. She gripped the bookshelf behind her for support, her cheeks and sternum flushed pink as she let out a trembling breath. “I gotta sit down.”  

Brian laughed. He was too shellshocked for anything else. 

Sadie shakily straightened her dress, picked up her stack of books, and barely met his eye with a bashful smile. “I’m pretty sure that was illegal.”

His hand went to the back of his neck, feeling the sweat he’d worked up, and grinned back just as sheepishly. “Hopefully they don’t have security cameras.”

Sadie stopped and looked at him, taking in his downcast smile, loving how he could be unabashed and embarrassed at the same time, and she walked back to him on her rubbery legs and kissed him as soundly as she could. She pulled back, holding his face in her hands, and smiled at him. “What am I going to do with you?”

With an incredulous laugh, Brian raised his hand, still wet from her orgasm. “What am I gonna do with  _ you? _ ” he demanded. “You just came all over my hand.”

“That was pretty awesome,” she admitted, and kissed him again. “I’ve never done that before.”

“I know. It was hot.”

Sadie grinned. “I’ll pay you back tonight.”

“You sure will.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to go home now?”

“Nah,” he said. “We’re on a date.”

“Hell of a date,” she said, and then slipped an arm around his back. “Come on. Let’s go buy these and get out of here.”

“You’re good?” he asked. 

“Oh, I’m good,” she laughed. 

Brian followed her out of the aisle, pleased with himself, and also relieved when no one gave them any sideways looks. She wouldn’t let him pay for any of the books, so he waited for her outside of the line while she and the cashier became instant friends, laughing about something like they went way back. He really had won the jackpot. 

So when they walked back outside, Brian didn’t take her home; he took her to the place where it all started. He read her  _ Fear and Loathing  _ on their lucky bench in Washington Square Park and she hung on every word even though he was hardly able to keep his eyes on the page with her head on his lap. When he finished the second chapter, he asked if she wanted to grab a drink somewhere. 

“I know just the place,” Sadie smiled. 

They split a pitcher in the horseshoe booth and fed quarters into the jukebox all night, as taken with each other tonight as they had been when they were just two strangers about to fall in love. Brian even let her pull him onto the dance floor for  _ Come On Eileen  _ and old time’s sake. Neither of them could dance any better than they could a year ago, but they did anyway. 

They went back to their booth, wasting space as they cuddled up to each other, his arm around her shoulder and her hand on his knee, and they made plans. They made plans for their Fourth of July barbecue this Wednesday, and they made plans for New Jersey next weekend. They made plans for the next series they were going to binge, and for the movies they wanted to see. They made plans to turn off their phones and stay in bed until noon tomorrow and not make any plans at all.

The drunker they got, the handsier they got. They were deep into the night, sweaty from dancing, buzzing from beer, head over heels for each other. Brian had put his hat backwards on Sadie, and she was cracking up over her own joke, and he couldn’t keep his hands off her. Every direction her body moved, his hand followed, never far from her waist or her face or the inside of her thigh. He pulled her sideways into his arms, knocking her hat askew, revelling in the feeling of her laughter against his ribs, and buried his nose in her hair. “Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hey,” she giggled back. 

“Speaking of plans, after this pitcher, you wanna go home and pick up where we left off at the bookstore?”

“I’ve been ready all day,” she laughed before she kissed him. It wasn’t like the last time they’d been at this dive bar, when she hadn’t known if they’d ever come back or if she’d ever get to kiss him again at all. Now it was a year later and her home was his home -- for a little while longer, at least.

But even when they got to the bottom of their pitcher, they made no plans for fall. The more he fell in love with her, the more Brian felt like they had all the time in the world. 

He hoped Sadie did, too. 


	12. red and white and blue and gold

“It’s cute that you think my friends are going to eat vegetables,” Brian said, tossing his car keys onto the counter as he walked into the kitchen with grocery bags. “I love your optimism.”

Sadie smiled over at him as he put the burgers in the fridge. “My hopes aren’t high,” she said. “But unfortunately veggie platters are the only things I know how to make.”

Brian walked over to where she was standing at the counter over a cutting board, and put his arms around her from behind. “You make a mean spaghetti too.”

Sadie leaned back against his chest. They’d never had a day off in the middle of the week together before, and she felt like a kid on summer break. The day felt long and full of infinite potential. “I thought about it, but spaghetti didn’t feel particularly patriotic.”

He kissed her cheek. “I’m kidding, this is perfect.” He left her to her work and went back to the fridge to make sure they had everything they needed for their Fourth of July barbecue in a few hours. “Hopefully I didn’t forget anything.”

“You got veggie burgers for Joe and Bessy?” Sadie asked.

“Two different kinds,” he said.

"Then I think we're probably good," she said. "Everybody else is bringing their own sides to share."

“Did you invite anyone tonight?” he asked. 

Sadie shook her head, not looking up from the celery she was cutting into sticks. “I don’t really know anyone.”

Brian stole some celery. “What about people from your class?”

“I just have the one friend.”

“The guy?”

“Alex, yeah.”

Brian bristled involuntarily, and then shook it off. He was a good boyfriend. He could be normal about this for once. “Invite him.”

Sadie finally looked up. “Really?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, why not?”

She snorted, going back to her celery. “Because you’re a jealousy monster?”

“True,” he admitted. “But I trust you. I’ll be cool.”

Sadie looked over at him, seeming to search his face for sincerity, trying to puzzle out if this was a trick or a test. Then she shrugged and pulled her phone out of her back pocket. “Okay. I’ll text him.”

Brian stared at her. “You have his number?”

Sadie zapped him with a look that was both affectionate and incredulous.  

Brian held up his hands. “Sorry, sorry, yeah, text him.”

He watched, envy boiling in his chest as she typed out her text message -- the longer she wrote, the more he hated it; how long did it take to ask someone to come to a Fourth of July party? Was she writing a novel? -- but he forced himself to relax. This wasn’t a test for her. This was a test for himself. He wanted her to feel like she could make a home here with him, and it would probably be a lot easier to convince her to stay if she had more friends. If the only thing she had to leave behind was him, maybe that wasn’t good enough. And if the only friend she had so far was this guy from her workshop, so be it. He’d be a man about it and not an idiot.

Sadie finished her text and slipped her phone back in her pocket. “It’s pretty last minute,” she said. “But if he can make it, I think you’ll like him.”

Brian doubted it, but was determined to not be an asshole. Spending two weeks apart combined with their perfect weekend together with the bookstore and the park bench and their horseshoe booth, he was crazier about her than ever. It was like a switch had flipped. He was going to be on his best behaviour. He hadn’t given a shit about that in years, but here he was. His TESD crew might call him whipped, and maybe he was. Whatever it was, it felt good. Scary, but good.

“Yeah, me too,” he told her, and he didn’t sound convincing even to himself, but she smiled at him like she appreciated the effort anyway. “Do you need a hand?”

“Sure,” she said. “Would you like to cut up some carrots?”

“On it,” he replied, pulling out a sharp knife from the block and taking his place beside her. He grabbed a handful of carrots and got to work. “Get ready for the the ugliest carrot sticks you’ve ever seen.”

Sadie grinned over at him. “I’ll still eat them,” she said. “So people are coming over around 6?”

“Yeah, we’ve got lots of time,” Brian said, doing a truly atrocious job with these carrots. “Wanna watch a movie after we’re done here?”

“Sure do,” she said. “Can it be a Fourth of July movie?”

“You’re in the spirit, I like it,” he laughed. “What do you have in mind?”

_“Top Gun.”_

“I don’t think that’s a Fourth of July movie.”

“It’s not,” she said. “But it’s everything I know America to be about.”

“Oh yeah?” He smiled and reached for another carrot to butcher. “And what’s that?”

“Tom Cruise and spaceships and homoerotic volleyball games.”

Brian guffawed, flabbergasted. “First of all, they’re fighter jets, not fucking spaceships, you absolute dipshit,” he told her, grinning when she giggled at her own stupid sense of humour. “Second of all, we should just watch _Point Break._ It’s way better.”

“Hands down,” she said. “But it’s not as patriotic.”

“How is Keanu Reeves learning how to surf so he can take down bank robbers in US president masks not patriotic?” Brian demanded. “That’s amazing.”

“Very, but Keanu Reeves is Canadian,” she told him with a helpless shrug. “I want the full American experience today.”

“I’ll give you the full American experience tonight,” he said, laughing when she gave him a disappointed and disgusted look. “What? You don’t like my joke?”

“You’re so stupid,” she laughed, giving him a gentle hip check. She rested her head against his shoulder before she stole a kiss from his cheek and then went back to work. “Hurry up and chop those carrots so we can watch _Top Gun._ I know you have it, I alphabetized your movie collection.”

“Yeah, I know you did, you weirdo,” he said, too busy smiling over at her to watch what he was doing with his knife. Suddenly, he winced, whipping his hand back from the cutting board. “Fuck.”

“What did you do?” Sadie demanded.

A bright red line appeared on his index finger and blood splattered the cutting board and kitchen floor. “Son of a bitch,” he hissed.

Sadie saw the blood and set her knife down, taking hold of his wrist in a steady hand to get a better look. Blood trickled down his arm and over her hand. “You really got yourself,” she said, voice soft and soothing. “You're okay, baby, come here.”

It was just a cut -- albeit a good one -- but Brian let her walk him in a daze to the bathroom down the hall, keeping his hand elevated all the way. Outside of set, where people put powder on his nose or got him mic'd up or fetched him whatever he wanted for lunch, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d let someone take care of him. He was a retired firefighter; he knew first aid. He didn’t need her help. But he didn’t even think to fight it.

Sadie stuck his hand under the sink, blood still pouring even as the water washed it away. “Mistook your finger for a carrot, did you?”

Brian smiled at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. He’d gotten blood on her white t-shirt, and her morning hair was a wild mess as always, and she was so calm and serious he could hardly feel the throb of pain in his sliced finger. “I was too busy looking at you,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes but smiled back, fixing her gaze on his wound. “Well,” she said, trying to keep a straight face. “That’s very irresponsible.”

He grinned. He was bleeding profusely, but he was grinning like a fucking idiot. “You called me baby.”

Sadie’s brow furrowed. “Did I?”

“You did,” he said. “You’ve never called me that before.”

She smiled and shrugged, looking like she’d surprised herself. “I don’t really do pet names,” she said. “Only when I’m really worried about someone.”

He kissed her forehead. “Just a little scratch.”

Sadie gestured to her bloodstained shirt. “Some scratch.”

The thumb on his good hand stroked her hip under the hem of her shirt, as if she was the one who needed the comfort. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She positioned his arm so that his elbow was bent and his hand stayed elevated. “Hold your arm up like that,” she said, and then unspooled some toilet paper to wind around the cut and stop the bleeding. “Are you dizzy at all?”

He shrugged. “Over you? A little.”

She laughed. “I mean from nearly chopping your finger off, you dumbass.”

“There’s the Sadie I know and love,” he grinned. “No, I’m okay. Got the best nurse in town.”

Sadie smiled. “Keep pressure on that.” She opened his medicine cabinet and found the bandaids. After she unwrapped his finger and tossed the bloody tissues in the trash can, she gently bandaged the cut. “Did I ever tell you that my mom’s a nurse?”

“Yeah,” he said. “That must be where you get it from.”

“Maybe,” she said. “She always said if you sprinkle pepper on a cut, it stops the bleeding.”

“Sounds like bullshit.”

Sadie chuckled. “It does.”

“Your mom says a lot of wacky stuff.”

She focused on the task at hand. “Sometimes.”

Brian watched her closely, this girl who was so far from home, who had learned how to take care of people from a mother she wasn’t speaking to. “You ever going to tell me what she said to you when I was gone?”

Sadie glanced up at him fleetingly. “You really want me to?”

He wasn’t sure. “Was it about us?”

She shrugged. “She doesn't know us."

“Whatever it was, she was wrong,” he said. “Just like the pepper thing.”

Sadie smirked at him. “Actually, she was right about that.” She kissed the tip of his finger. “You want the good news or the bad news?”

Brian’s breath caught in his throat for a moment. “Bad.”

She sighed regretfully. “Bad news is your carrot chopping career is over.”

“No,” he gasped.

“Yep,” she said. “But the good news is you’re going to live.”

Once upon a time, if someone had found him bleeding in a bathroom, that wouldn’t have been good news to him. But with her here, it was the best news he’d ever heard. He kissed her. “Thanks, baby.”

Sadie snickered, trying but failing not to show the glow she felt over hearing him call her that. “You can pay me back with _Top Gun,”_ she said, her chin on his chest and her arms around his waist, until they felt her phone buzz at the same time. She pulled it out of her pocket to look at her new text message. Brian tried not to read it, but old habits die hard, and his jealousy was the oldest one in the book.

_Hey! :) :) I’m at my mom’s in SI tonight - I could swing by after dinner! What’s your address?_

“Lot of exclamation marks,” Brian commented.

“I’m gonna bite your other finger,” she laughed.

“Lot of smiley faces too,” he said, cowering playfully when she set her phone down on the counter and bit his shoulder. When she let him hold her and didn’t reach for her phone, he relaxed a little.

He didn’t know it, but she’d already forgotten about the text from her classmate, and in fact wouldn’t remember to respond to it until an hour later. Sadie loved Brian, every wounded, gentle, jealous inch of him, and he had nothing to worry about.

Maybe someday he’d learn.

+

Later that night, his backyard was packed with friends and friends of friends, and Brian felt like he was on top of the world. All the best people were here, he had a beer in his hand, the sun was still out, and fireworks were just around the corner. It was the best Fourth of July he’d had in years, and it was just getting started.

He was happy to hand off BBQ duties to Murr, who prided himself on his superb grilling skills. He fished another beer out of the cooler on the deck and smiled up at Chessie, who was seething with jealousy as she watched the action from the window.

“Sorry, Chessie,” he said. “You’re an inside cat.”

Before he could walk past, Sal turned from his conversation to give Brian a playful elbow to the ribs, and then clinked their beer bottles together. “You realize your cats can’t hear you but everyone else can, right?”

Brian shrugged with a helpless grin. “I’m having a good day.”

It wasn’t even dark yet but Sal was already the handsy affection monster he always turned into when he was drunk. He put Brian in a sloppy but warm-hearted headlock and pulled him in for a one-armed hug with Brian’s back against his chest. “You’re the best,” Sal said. “She’s the best. You guys are the best.”

Brian patted the arm that Sal had wrapped across his shoulders. “Me and Chessie?”

“Sadie, you stupid asshole.”

Brian laughed. He knew. “Thanks, Sal.”

“Wait, shh, I’m not done,” Sal whispered, holding him in place, and Brian cracked up, because Sal was the best too. “I wanna tell you something.”

Brian grinned. “What?”

Sal dropped his voice even lower, like he was about to spill the beans on something top secret. “You’re my best friend, and I love you.”

Brian could have easily gotten out of this ridiculous headlock hug, but chose not to. He just laughed again instead. “Yeah, I love you too, buddy.”

“Don’t fuck this up,” Sal said. “Because if you’re not this happy forever it’s gonna break my goddamn heart.”

Brian knew how he felt, but he wasn’t about to admit it. He gave Sal’s arm a squeeze before he maneuvered out of his hold, and then turned back to him. “I don’t plan on it, Sally,” he said. “Why don’t you go give Murr a hand with the barbecue?”

“What are you, fucking crazy? You let Murr use the barbecue?” Sal squawked, flailing away. “Murr, you idiot! Remember last time?!”

Laughing as Sal and Murr bickered at the grill, Brian turned and wandered across his backyard. He stopped to shoot the shit with anyone who struck up a conversation with him, his smile growing the closer he got to where Sadie sat. For once he felt like he could take his time going to her, because there was something about tonight and the summer in the air and the throb in his sore finger and the ache in his happy heart that made him feel like this was all for keeps, just like the new scar he’d given himself today. None of it felt like it was going anywhere, especially her. Or maybe he just had his hopes up.

Sadie fiddled with a mini American flag as she sat in a plastic lawn chair at the edge of the backyard next to some of the other wives and girlfriends, smiling along, a little too shy to join in on the conversation. She was wearing red, white, and blue, and all Brian wanted to do was pledge allegiance to her.   

It made his heart sink and soar at the same time to see the worry that crossed her face when she glanced at the barbecue and saw he wasn’t there anymore. But when she spotted him walking towards her, she turned to him like a sunflower catching daylight, and his heart didn’t even know where to begin.

“Hey,” he said, holding out a beer to her. “Did you put sunscreen on?”

“Shit, I forgot,” Sadie said, taking the beer. “Am I burning?”

“Your nose a little,” he said. “You should probably come put some on.”

Sadie raised an eyebrow deviously as she took a swig of her beer. “Sounds like a ploy if I’ve ever heard one, Quinn.”

He shrugged innocently. “Just looking out for you, Waters,” he said. “Get enough to eat?”

“And then some,” she replied. “How’s the hand?”

Brian glanced down at his carefully bandaged finger, and then smiled at her. “Never better.”

She smiled back, tilting her face up to him, the evening sun turning her golden. “You’re in a good mood.”

He leaned his knees against hers as he bent down to kiss the top of her head, planting his hands on the armrests of her chair. “I am, actually,” he grinned, their foreheads pressed together. “Are you?”

Sadie nodded. “The best.”

He stood up straight and gestured down at the American flag in her hand. “That’s a good look on you.”

She gave it a spirited little wave. “Think so?”

“Definitely.” He watched her look down at the flag and then back up at him, her expression as serious and thoughtful as it had been when she’d cleaned his cut in the bathroom earlier today, like she wasn’t sure what kind of damage they might have to deal with here. “Hey, so, uh--”

“Check this out,” Joe said, throwing Brian into his second headlock of the night. He grinned at the women sitting in their lawn chairs as he gave Brian a noogie. “Like a ninja, ladies.”

“Joe,” his wife said, giving him a look that was half-amused and half-scolding. She looked sideways at Brian and Sadie and then back up at Joe pointedly.

If there was one person in the world that Joe Gatto listened to, it was Bessy Gatto. He picked up on what she was telling him with her eyes and realized he was interrupting something, and like a puppy who should’ve known better, he obediently released Brian. He saw Sadie sitting next to Bessy, and all his mischief came out in a grin. “Oh, there she is,” he laughed, and then looked at Brian. “Now I know why you were so easy to sneak up on.”

“Get lost,” Brian chuckled, elbowing Joe. He turned back to Sadie, unable to shake his grin off. “Come get some sunscreen.”

“Okay,” Sadie smiled. She got to her feet and then turned her smile to Joe. “Saved you a seat.”

Joe clapped Brian on the shoulder before he plunked down in Sadie’s vacated chair next to Bessy, automatically wrapping an arm around her like it was as natural as breathing. Brian couldn’t help but watch the way Sadie looked at them. Her heart was an open book, and right now she was adoring and a little bit sad, and when she realized Brian was looking at her, she blushed.  

“Ready?” he asked.

She took her eyes off of how cute Joe and Bessy were. “Yes, but now that I’m standing, apparently I’m drunk.”

“Me too. That’s how you know you’re doing Fourth of July right,” he told her, taking her hand in his. His gaze snagged on Bessy, who was smirking up at him with a knowing look that said _you’re in love,_ and he smiled back like a dumb kid caught with a giant crush. “Come on, let’s take care of that nose.”

“Let’s stop at the snacks first,” Sadie said, a skip in her step as she walked beside him, every bit as moon-eyed as he was. “I’m so full I could die but I’d love some pretzels.”

“I love a girl who risks death for snacks,” Brian said, leading them to the table set up with assorted munchies by the grill, along with the bottles of bug spray and sunscreen that Sal had provided like the little mother hen he was. Brian handed Sadie a paper plate, smirking as she loaded it up with far more than just pretzels.

“I’ll share,” Sadie protested when she caught him smiling at her.

He held up a hand. “No judgement.”

“Speaking of which,” Sadie laughed, nodding her head at Sal and Murr, who were huddled by the fence, engaged in what looked like a very serious discussion where the main topic was how much they loved each other. “That’s the cutest shit I’ve ever seen.”

Brian laughed. “This is what they do when they’re drunk,” he said. “We don't know what would've happened last time if Joe and I hadn't pulled them apart."

“No, you,” they heard Sal gush, to which Murr gushed, “No, man, you.”

Sadie hooked an arm through Brian’s elbow, holding up her plate of goodies and looking like her heart was awfully full. “Everyone here loves each other so much,” she said.

He kissed the side of her head. “I know,” he agreed, smiling politely but sidestepping out of the way when another couple came over to pay a visit to the snack table. Usually at a party, he was happy to mingle, but tonight he didn’t want to share Sadie’s attention and didn’t want her to share his. He grabbed the sunscreen and led her to the stoop where they’d watched the thunderstorm on their first date.

Sitting facing each other, her knee between his, Brian carefully put sunscreen on her, doing his best not to let his bumbling man paws get any in her eyes or on her dress. It was hard to believe that a year ago, they were sitting here on their first date, their hands just learning their ways around each other. 

“I can’t wait for fireworks,” Sadie said, turning away from him when he gestured for her to, and piled her hair on top of her head so he could put sunscreen on her back. “Will we be able to see them from here?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t let you miss your first Fourth of July fireworks,” Brian said, his hand slipping under the straps of her dress and bra to spread the sunscreen evenly over her shoulders. “How’s it treating you so far?”

Sadie ate a pretzel while she thought about it. “It’s mostly the same as Canada Day but I like this better,” she said. “But that might just be because I’m with you.”

That made him happy to hear. “When’s Canada Day?”

She leaned back against the palm of his hand, feeling safe and warm. “Three days ago,” she said.

He moved his hands up to her neck, his thumbs massaging the sunscreening in, smiling when she almost purred at the touch. “We should’ve done something for it.”

“We did,” she laughed. “We had maple syrup with our waffles.”

Brian’s smile deepened and his hands spread down the backs of her arms. “What’s your favourite holiday?”

“Christmas is good shit,” Sadie said, the two of them coming down with the giggles because they were both tipsy and smitten. “But I think I gotta give it to Halloween.”

“Me too,” he said. “You wanna be together for it?”

Sadie finished chewing her pretzel before she responded, a note of confusion in her voice. “You want me to come back for Halloween?”

“Well, I want you to be here for it,” Brian said. “Whether that means you come back or you stay is up to you.”

Sadie turned back around so she could face him. She let her hair fall back down across her shoulder. He saw the hesitation flash across her eyes, the same wariness she’d been wearing since the phone call with her mother last week, and he held her gaze while trying to come up with a way to backpedal and save face.

But then, finally, she smiled, and it looked a lot like yes. “Really?”

“I mean.” Brian shrugged, using his thumb to wipe off excess sunscreen from her nose. “Might as well throw Christmas in there too.”

Sadie's smile almost dropped as she searched his face for sincerity, but when it came back, he knew it was because she trusted him. “My birthday’s somewhere in the middle," she said.

“Yeah, and then mine’s just a couple months after that,” Brian replied. “And you’ve never seen New York do New Years.”

She grinned. “I bet it’s pretty spectacular.”

“It is,” he promised. “What do you think?”

“Sadie!” Sal called. “You have a friend!”

“Jesus, bad timing,” Sadie said, leaning forward to kiss Brian. She held his face in her hands and happily crinkled her nose at him. “I love you. Let’s put a pin in this for when we’re not drunk and hosting a party, okay?”

“All right,” Brian grinned, on cloud nine over how well that had gone, and then followed her across the yard to where Sal stood with a guy he didn’t know. Alex, he assumed.

“First I have to save Murr from the barbecue, and now I have to play host at your goddamn party?” Sal demanded drunkenly, playfully peevish by nature. “Are we back in high school?”

Brian stood next to Sal, his good mood calming the jealousy storming in his stomach as Sadie hugged Alex hello. He smiled over at Sal. “That was one time,” he laughed.

“Are you kidding me, that was _every_ time,” Sal laughed back, and then nodded at Alex. “Who’s this tall drink of water?”

Brian tried his best not to take inventory of how much younger and better in shape Alex was. It didn't matter. If Sadie stayed it wouldn't be for Alex, he told himself. “Sadie’s friend from her workshop.”

“Sadie Waters, did I just see you kiss a boy?” Alex teased.

“These two fucking Smoochy McGees,” Sal slurred at Alex, throwing an arm around Brian, clearly still very touchy. “They always be smooching.”

Sadie’s smile came with a blush, and Brian was happy to see it. “This is my boyfriend, Brian,” she told Alex.

“Hey, glad you could make it,” Brian said, putting out a hand for Alex to shake. “Alex, right?”

“Yeah, good to meet you, Brian,” Alex said, his handshake firm but not trying to prove anything. “I’m digging the Captain America shirt. Big comic book fan?”

“Don’t get me started,” Brian chuckled. He almost liked this guy. “You want anything to eat? There’s probably still some burgers left.”

“Mmm, probably not,” Sal stepped in like a nervous bellhop regretfully delivering bad news. “Murr ate what he didn’t burn to a crisp.”

Brian turned on Sal, laughing. “You had _one_ job.”

“I had like five!” Sal exclaimed. “You were too busy making eyes at your girlfriend!”

Brian snorted. “Well, that's the fucking pot calling the kettle black.”

While Sal and Brian argued, Sadie announced that she was going to show Alex the snack table. He kissed her cheek before she left, and smiled when he heard her start to tell him about the harrowing carrot-cutting incident from this morning. He was so busy bickering with Sal and priding himself on what a level-headed non-jealous person he was that he almost missed what Alex said.

Brian stopped. “What the fuck did he just say to her?”

Sal shook his head. “I wasn’t listening.”

Suddenly, every shot of whiskey he’d taken caught up with every bottle of beer he’d drunk as every time he’d been fucked over by a girl boiled the blood in his veins. “He just said he didn’t know she had a boyfriend," Brian said. 

“Q--”

“No, he did,” Brian said. “He said _I didn’t know you had a boyfriend._ To my fucking girlfriend."

Sal shrugged, but knew where this would go if he didn't take care of it. “Sadie talks about you all the time," he said. "Maybe he’s a bad listener.”

Maybe, Brian thought. Or maybe he didn’t matter as much to Sadie as he’d dared to let himself believe he did.

“Q, buddy, come on,” Sal said, watching Brian carefully and knowing the shitty place he was going to in his head. “Relax, okay?”

“I’m fine,” Brian said, thoughts racing as he took a step backward. “I’m gonna go see if there’s more burgers in the fridge.”

“Okay, whatever, but don’t fucking jump to conclusions,” Sal told him. “It’s Sadie, Q.”

“Yeah, I know it is,” Brian said as he turned away to walk through the back door and into the kitchen. He leaned against the counter and spiralled. "Fuck," he muttered, as he dug his thumbnail into his bandaged finger just so he could feel a different ache.

 


	13. and i'm a goddamn coward, but then again, so are you

Sadie could only guess why she hadn’t seen Brian in twenty minutes. If he was pouting because she was talking to a guy, he could have fun with that. She knew she was perfectly capable of having male friends without accidentally having sex with them, and he could entertain himself with his jealousy all he wanted. She wasn't going to stop him.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Alex asked, cracking open one of the beers from the six-pack he’d brought as they hovered over the snack table.

“Off being a weirdo somewhere, I assume,” Sadie replied, and then realized she’d finished another beer. She always drank faster when she was nervous, and there was something about Brian’s absence that didn’t sit right with her.

“Want one?” Alex offered, handing her one of his beers. She took it. “How long have you two been together?”

Sadie fiddled with the tab on her beer can after she opened it, glancing past Alex’s shoulder to the back door, wishing Brian would walk through it. “A little over a year,” she said. “Kind of, I guess -- I was in Canada for most of it. I don’t think it really became official until I came back in May for the workshop.”

Alex smiled. “Curious,” he said. “So how’d a quiet little Canadian like you meet a Staten Islander?”

Sadie smiled back, as helpless and starry-eyed over the memory as she’d been that day on the park bench when he’d sat down beside her. She gave a cliff notes version of how they’d met, blushing the entire time. Jesus. She really did have such a crush on him.

“Wow,” Alex chuckled. “You are _in love.”_

“I’m in love,” she laughed. “If he’d get his ass out here, you’d see why. He’s amazing.”

“He’s certainly handsome,” Alex said.

“Ugh, so handsome,” Sadie sighed. “And he’s got this big old heart, you wouldn’t believe it. He’s such a grump but it’s just a coverup for what a softie he is. You should see him with his cats.”

“Well, I saw him with you,” Alex smiled. “So I’d believe it.”

Sadie grinned, melting. “Heehee.”

“Did you just say _heehee?”_ Alex laughed. “Good gravy, girl, no wonder you never talk about him in class. He turns you to mush.”

“In my defense, I’m drunk and really excited about fireworks,” Sadie said, although to be honest, she had no defences. “And also, I’m happy you’re here. I love Brian’s friends to death, but I could use some friends of my own.”

“Me too,” Alex said. “I lost a lot of my friends in my last breakup, so I was stoked when you texted.”

“I know how that goes,” she said. “It gets better, I promise.”

“Honestly, I needed to hear that,” he said. “Thanks for getting me out of my mom’s basement -- I feel better just being out and about. It sucks that you have to go home at the end of August.”

“Actually, that’s what Brian and I were talking about before you got here,” Sadie said. “I think I’m going to stay in New York after the workshop.”

“You should, Sadie,” Alex said. “Even if not for him, for yourself.”

“I want to. There’s a lot to figure out, but it feels like the right thing to do,” she said, and then handed him her beer. “Hold that thought. And that beer. I have to pee.”

Sadie hurried across the backyard, up the stoop, and into the kitchen, where she found Brian inside, trying to decide between Jameson and Maker’s Mark. “There you are,” she said as she walked past briskly on her way to the bathroom. “Breaking out the whiskey, huh?”

She didn’t wait around for his response before she dashed into the bathroom, although she could tell he was surly, which she had no patience for. Two could play the surly game, she thought as she peed, but as she stood at the bathroom sink and washed her hands and looked at the mirror and saw her sunburnt nose, she softened. That jealous brat of a sweetheart loved her, and he was trying. She wouldn’t play any games with him. He didn’t deserve it.

She flipped off the bathroom light, her hands fumbling a little because she was drunk, and walked back out to the kitchen to find that Brian had gone with the Jameson.

“What are you doing in here by yourself, you lush?” Sadie teased. “Can I get one of those?”

Wordlessly, Brian went over to the cupboard and pulled down a second shot glass. Without getting any closer to her, he poured two shots and slid one of them to her across the kitchen counter before he knocked his back.

Sadie watched him as she held her shot between her fingers, suddenly not so keen to do it. “How many’s that?”

He shrugged.

“I know you’re not giving me the silent treatment,” Sadie said. “Because that would be really shitty.”

Brian raised an eyebrow at her. “Yeah? Would it?”

Sadie put the shot down, frowning. “What’s wrong?” she demanded, but was met with silence. She dropped her arms to her side, already fed up. “Listen, you told me to invite him. If you can’t --”

“He didn’t know you had a boyfriend?”

Sadie blinked at him, startled. “What?”

“That’s what he said to you when you guys walked away,” Brian said. “He said he didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

Sadie shook her head, flummoxed. “Yeah, I guess it didn’t come up,” she said. “I thought I’d told him but I guess I didn’t.”

Brian poured another shot for himself. “Talk about shitty, Sadie.”

Sadie didn’t know what to do with this line of questioning. She hadn’t realized she’d done something wrong, but she clearly had. “Brian, I’m sorry, I didn’t--”

Brian wasn’t interested in apologies. “Did he come here thinking he was gonna hook up with you tonight?”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s a fair question,” Brian said. “As far as he knew, you didn’t have a boyfriend. You never told him.”

“Are you really -- we’re classmates, Brian, we talk about writing,” Sadie protested. “I didn’t know he had one either.”

He froze with the shot halfway to his lips. “Had a what? A boyfriend?”

“Yeah, that’s why he’s living at his mom’s on Staten Island,” she said. “He’s going through a breakup.”

Brian almost laughed. “Did you know he was gay?”

“I don’t know, I thought he might be."

“You didn’t think to tell me that?”

“I don’t see how it matters whether or not my friend’s fucking gay, Brian,” she snapped.

Brian stared at her in disbelief. “So what, you just liked the idea of me being jealous? Thought you'd let me stew a little longer?”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “Give me a break.”

“No, fuck that, I’m not gonna give you a break, Sadie, because you didn’t give me one,” Brian said. “I get that it’s some kind of turn-on for you, but I had no idea you could be that childish.”

Sadie hadn’t withheld information from either of them for reasons any more nefarious than the simple fact that she’d been too distracted with school work, but she’d still fucked up. She got that. Brian had every right to be upset. Mean, no, but upset, yes. Unfortunately, she was drunk and he was even drunker, and he was so angry with her that she felt too backed into a corner to do anything but fight back.

“It’s not my job to constantly reassure you that you can trust me,” Sadie said, because that was the shitty thing to say.

So Brian went even shittier. “I don’t even know if I _can_ trust you.”

“Why?” Sadie demanded. “Because I didn’t announce who my boyfriend is to my classmates? You meet a thousand girls a night on the road for _your_ job but you don’t announce me to any of them, do you?”

“That’s completely fucking different,” Brian said. “I don’t sit around with them 5 days a week like you do with Alex. You had plenty of time to tell him.”

Sadie saw red. “I work so hard for that class that I don’t sleep and you have the balls to tell me I sit around 5 days a week? You think I came here to talk about boys? Jesus Christ.” She shook her head, ready to dig her goddamn heels in it and go toe to toe with him. “You really want this fight, Brian?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Okay then,” Sadie snapped. “How about this: Did you mention me to that girl you almost fucked? You had plenty of time.”

“Don’t,” Brian said, two fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. “That was one time and you weren’t here.”

Sadie barked a laugh. “That makes it okay?”

“Of course not,” he snapped. “But I was drunk and I’d waited 10 months and it was before we knew about your workshop. I didn’t know the next time I’d see you.”

“Actually you did, we’d made plans for you to come visit me this summer, so that’s bullshit,” Sadie said. “You’re here raking me over the coals because I neglected to mention you during class, but I’m not the one who literally almost went home with someone else.”

“But I fucking didn’t,” he said. “I walked away and called you from the back of a cab. I’ve already apologized for this shit.”

“Yeah, and I’ve already forgiven you for it,” she said. “That’s why I need you to go easy on me for my stupid mistake too.”

Brian shook his head, not ready to do that yet. “I can’t,” he said. “I don’t understand how it never came up.”

“I don’t either!” Sadie exclaimed. “I’m sorry, okay?”

He shrugged. “Do I just not fucking matter?”

Sadie took an involuntary step closer to him, her heart popping at the seams. _“Yes,_ you matter,” she said, voice cracking. “How can you even ask me that?”

“All right,” he said, breezing past her reassurance. “So then you were just hiding it?”

“I wasn’t _hiding it,”_ she insisted, exasperated. “I just don’t talk about myself.”

He rolled his eyes. “You always talk about yourself.”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

He gave her an impatient look as if to say _come on._ “It means I knew your life story the night I met you.”

She gawked at him. “So?”

“So I don’t buy that the reason he didn’t know about me is because you don’t talk about yourself,” Brian said. “You’re an open book. That’s bullshit.”

“Are you serious?” Sadie demanded. “I poured my heart all over you because I liked you, you asshole. You think I do that with everybody?”

“I don’t know, Sadie,” Brian said. “It never really occurred to me until tonight that I don’t know much about you outside of who you are with me.”

Sadie stared at him, hurt wholeheartedly. “Half an hour ago you wanted me to uproot my life for you and now you don’t know who I am?”

“Half an hour ago, I knew you better.”

“Stop it,” she snapped. “I hate the way you’re talking to me right now.”

He scoffed. “You’re the one who called me an asshole.”

Sadie’s eyes watered. “I’m sorry for saying that,” she said. “I’m just frustrated because you’re not listening to a word I’m saying.”

He shrugged. “That’s because I don’t believe you.”

Sadie bit her lip and glared at him, speechless. Then she slammed her shot back, slammed the glass down, and stalked out of the kitchen into the backyard.

“Hey,” Sal said, reaching a tentative hand out to her as she stormed by. “Everything okay?”

“No,” she snapped, snatching up her purse from where she’d left it under the seat that Joe was sitting in, too pissed to even register the dumbfounded look he gave her. She ignored everyone as she swept back into the kitchen, where she marched up to Brian. “Here.”

Brian stared at her, his big sweet puppy dog eyes wounded and untrusting. “What?”

She held out her phone to him. “Take it.”

He didn’t. “Why?”

Sadie rolled her eyes. She typed her passcode in, went into her text message history, and pulled up her conversation with Alex. “It’s all yours.”

Hesitating for another moment, Brian finally took her phone from her and read the conversation, feeling like a villain with every word his eyes passed over.

_July 4th, 2018, 10:23 AM_

_Hey Alex, it’s Sadie from class. Happy Independence Day! We’re having a bbq at our house tonight. BYOB. Feel free to swing by if you’re not busy!_

Brian scrolled down, past the response he’d already seen from Alex asking her for the address.

_July 4th, 2018, 12:03 PM_

_Whoops, sorry for the delayed response! We’re watching top gun. :) That’s great! I’ll drop you a pin with our address. You can’t miss Brian’s bright red jeep out in the driveway. See you later!_

Brian raised his eyes to her, handing the phone back. Other than today’s messages full of _we_ and _ours_ , there was a short exchange from early June, when he asked her when their poetry assignment was due. “Thurs!” she’d replied. That was it.  

“Just because he didn’t pick up on it doesn’t mean I was hiding it,” Sadie said witheringly. “I’m sorry I didn’t announce you, but you were never a secret.”

“Sadie, I--”

“Save it,” she barked. “I can’t believe I just showed my boyfriend my text messages because he doesn’t believe me. I can’t believe I’m that girl again.”

Brian’s defences were weakening, but it was way too late. “Thank you for showing me,” he stammered. “I'm sorry I'm like this, I just -- you don’t get it, all the shit that happened to me with other girls, and--”

Sadie dropped her phone on the counter, letting it scatter across the tiles. “I don’t get it?” she demanded. “Really?”

Brian ran a hand through his hair. “Okay, I’m sorry, I know you get it.”

“Yep,” she snapped.

“So you get why I freaked out.”

“Yeah, I do, and if you would’ve listened to me for 30 seconds and let me explain, let me _apologize,_ we wouldn’t be having this conversation, but now we are,” Sadie said. “And there’s no coming back from it.”

“What are you talking about?”

Sadie didn’t know where to start. She glanced past him through the kitchen window, where all their friends stood around, talking and laughing. She wished they could be out there with them. She turned her eyes back up to Brian. “Do you want to know what my mom said?”

Brian grimaced. “I don’t, honestly.”

“She said you could take your pick,” Sadie said anyway. “She said why wouldn’t you look at other options when you have a girlfriend who’s just going to leave anyway? She said it broke her heart that I trust you the way I do.”

“Yeah, well, I did take my pick,” Brian said. “I picked you.”

“I know.”

“I’d pick you every goddamn time, Sadie.”

Sadie bit her trembling lip, looking down at the ground and nodding.

He didn’t like where this was going. “You said it yourself, she doesn’t know us.”

“No,” Sadie said. “But she knows me.”

Brian watched her carefully. He knew her too, and he loved her, he loved every last little thing that made her who she was, and his anger swooped back in to mask his fear of losing it all. “Why are you telling me this now?” he asked. “I accuse you of something you didn’t do so now you get to do the same to me?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I didn’t believe her for a second. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me.” Sadie rolled her eyes, but he could tell it was directed at herself. “I’m scared of a lot of things, but that’s never been one of them.”

“All right,” Brian said. “So what is it that we can’t come back from?”

“Less than an hour ago, you were looking at me like I hung the moon.” Sadie caught a tear with the back of her wrist before it could fall. “And then you turn around and tell me you don’t trust me or even know me?”

Brian stopped. He looked at her, saw her crying, and made a fist to make his finger hurt. He couldn’t say he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t say anything. He knew what was coming.

“You’re going to break my heart, Brian,” Sadie said. “I don’t trust you either.”

Brian’s eyes closed like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. His hand went to his face. “Sadie,” he said, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, but he couldn’t come up with anything more to say than her name.

All Sadie could do was shrug. “So now I don’t know what to do.”

Brian did: shatter this so it couldn’t be fixed. She’d treated him so delicately, like he was worth something, like he was fucking priceless. But he was still just a bull in a china shop, and she was a breakable he needed to get away from.

He picked up the bottle of Jameson and shrugged back at her, his mimicry ugly and mean. “I guess we just go fuck ourselves then,” he said, like he couldn’t care less, and walked away from her.

“Hey,” Sal snapped, standing in the doorway. “What the fuck, dude?”

“She’s done,” Brian said, barrelling past Sal and out the door. “I’m done.”

“I don’t give a shit what either of you are, that’s not how you talk to her,” Sal said, following after him, but not bothering to stop his friend from stumbling into the backyard. “What did you do?”

“Exactly what we knew I would,” Brian said, raising the bottle as if to say _cheers_ as he wandered across the yard to Murray. Of course he’d go to Murr -- Joe would kill him. Which was what Sal wanted to do right now too.

Sal sighed and glanced back at Sadie, who stood leaning her hip against the kitchen counter, arms crossed and hugged to her body, looking away and biting down on her bottom lip. The right thing to do would be to go give that girl a hug, but he was tethered to Brian. 

He couldn't just leave, though. He hesitated in the doorframe. “Hey, buddy,” Sal said gently.

“Hey,” Sadie managed to choke out.

Sal frowned, heart breaking. “I’ll talk to him, okay?”

“Sure,” she said, sounding like she was doing everything in her power not to cry. “Will you tell my friend I’m not feeling good?”

Sal nodded. “No problem.”

“Thanks,” she said, pushing away from the counter. She didn’t look at him before she left the kitchen, but she did offer a tiny “Night, Sal.”

Sadie shuffled down the hallway, her shoulder bumping into the wall, too drunk and sad to walk a straight line. She climbed the stairs, aching when they creaked like they had a million times when she and Brian had kissed and fumbled their way up to bed. Maybe she never should have come home with him.

She walked into the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light because all she wanted to do was sleep. She didn’t see the white t-shirt on the floor until she’d stepped on it, and she didn’t see the bloodstains on it until she picked it up to throw it in the laundry hamper. Throat hurting, she stared at it for a long moment, holding it balled up in shaky hands, unable to believe it had only been this morning that she'd woken up in this shirt. It had only been this morning he’d cut himself because he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. It had only been this morning he’d trusted her to patch him up.

The fireworks started outside, lighting up the dark bedroom with flashes of red and white and blue, and she stood there, smelling like sunscreen and holding her bloodstained shirt, and burst into tears. She’d called him baby. She almost told him she’d stay. They should be outside celebrating.

Instead, she cried herself to sleep watching the fireworks in a bed he never came up to.


	14. i know this whole damn city thinks it needs you, but not as much as i do

Time doesn’t stop just because your heart’s a little broken, and Sadie had class from eleven until seven the next day. She woke up alone with a splitting headache, neither of which she was surprised about, but forced herself out of bed and off to class. Her heart ached all day over the sight of coming downstairs to find Brian sleeping on the living room couch with Benjamin Cat on his chest -- Benjamin was the most protective, he’d told her not too long ago, and she had to choke down tears on the ferry just thinking about it.

The only relief she had all day was when she got to class and Alex playfully gave her a hard time about her hangover instead of calling her out on leaving him high and dry at the party. He’d believed Sal when he told him Sadie was just sick and had gone to bed early. She didn’t tell him about her fight with Brian, or that he’d been the root of it, or that she was scared they were over and how much it would kill her if they were. She just laughed and apologized for not being able to handle her liquor, fought to focus on today’s lesson, and tried to ignore the awful silence of her phone. It was just another Thursday, except for the part where all she wanted to do was cry.

When she was back on Staten Island, Sadie picked up hot cherry pepper pizza from Ambrosino’s as a peace offering. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so nervous to go home, but guessed it was probably two years ago, when she’d broken up with her ex. Back then, she hadn’t known how Jack would react to her sticking up for herself, since she hadn’t done it in years. As it turned out, she’d been right to be nervous. It only took him a second to look at her and know what she was about to say, but it took her a week to get rid of the bruise his hand left on her arm when he tried to stop her from leaving, and it took her six months to find out he’d been wrong when he said _I’m the only one who knows how to love you_. She’d never wanted to feel like that again, and as she walked to the home she shared with Brian, her stomach was tied in knots, bracing herself for the worst.

But Brian wasn’t her ex. Not yet, anyway.

She didn’t have to worry, though, because when she walked through the door, the house was empty. He wasn’t on the couch; he wasn’t in bed; he wasn’t in the basement. The kitchen was clean and the cats were fed, but Brian was nowhere to be seen. She took the pizza and her sad little cloud and curled up on the couch, where she fell asleep and didn’t wake up until headlights flooded the room after midnight.

Sadie heard Brian greet the cats at the door like he always did, but she’d never heard his voice sound so quiet and sad. He sounded half his size. She sat up, heart hammering, just glad he was home. He jumped when he walked into the room and saw her on the couch, but looked like he felt the same.

“Fuck,” he said, the first word he’d spoken to her in 24 hours. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Sadie had never felt so shy around him. She shifted so she was sitting at the edge of her seat on the couch, looking up at him where he stood in the doorway of the living room. “I got pizza but it's probably cold,” she offered, nudging the box on the coffee table. 

Brian softened, but didn’t come closer. “Thanks,” he said.

She searched his unshaven face, his flattened hair, his heavy shoulders, and wished they could go back to yesterday morning when she still belonged in his arms. “Are we going to talk about last night?”

Brian shrugged. “We could’ve talked about it this morning if you hadn’t snuck out while I was sleeping.”

Sadie’s eyes narrowed. “I went to class,” she said, voice clipped. “You were passed out on the couch.”

Brian lowered his gaze. “I wasn’t--”

“No, stop,” she snapped, her softness gone. “What was I supposed to do? Skip class and wait around for you to stop ignoring me?”

“That’s what I would’ve done,” he muttered.

“Really?” she demanded. “That’s funny, because where the fuck were you?”

“Red Bank,” Brian said. “Recording for the podcast. But I would’ve stayed home if you had.”

“So what are you saying?” Sadie asked. “I failed some kind of test by going to class today?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying, and I need you to take a breather and stop putting words in my mouth,” he said. “I’m just saying I wish we’d said something to each other today because now it’s even fucking worse than it was last night.”

“You accused me of keeping you a secret and then lying about it, and then you went and slept on the couch,” Sadie said. “I’m not going to apologize for not kissing you goodbye this morning.”

Exhausted, Brian ran a hand over his face. Sadie’s eyes welled up with tears the longer his hand stayed over his face and he just stood there, trying to put his thoughts together. Finally, he lowered his hand and crossed the living room, sitting next to her on the couch. He couldn’t get his words out.

“Hey,” Sadie said. She didn't want to be mad.

“Hey,” he said back. He didn't either. “Remember when I told you I was scared I’m too much of an asshole not to fuck this up?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Remember when I told you I was scared I’d deserve it?”

He nodded. “I remember.” He glanced at her before looking back down at his hands. “You didn’t, though. You didn’t deserve it.”

“I deserved some of it, I think,” Sadie admitted, not looking at him either. “I don’t blame you for being upset -- I’d be upset if one of the friends you invited last night hadn’t known about me, too. I didn’t mean for you to feel so bad.”

Brian shrugged. “I could’ve been cooler about it.”

“You sure fucking could have,” Sadie said, chuckling humourlessly. “That’s the thing, Brian. I just wish you would’ve listened to me last night.”

“I’m listening now,” he said quietly.

Sadie’s voice went quiet to match his. “You can be scared all you want, but you can’t turn me into someone who would hurt you,” she told him. “I know you think you’re an asshole because getting hurt made you one, but you’re not, and neither am I. No matter how worried you are that history’s going to repeat itself, it won’t. Not with me.”

It looked like that was a hard pill to swallow, but he did it. “Thanks, Sadie.”

Sadie looked at him. “But I’m not going to gently remind you that I mean well the next time you jump down my throat like you did last night. I don’t want to do this again.”

“I don’t want to either.”

“Am I going to have to?”

Brian shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said softly.

That wasn’t what Sadie had wanted to hear. “You really don’t trust me?”

“I thought about that all day today,” he said. “I do. Scares the hell out of me, but I do.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

He looked so sad she wanted to cry. “I guess I just don’t trust myself to be enough.”

Sadie blinked at him. “For what?” she asked. “For me?”

“Yeah.”

Sadie was utterly baffled. “You’re enough, Brian,” she said. “You’re an overabundance.”

He smirked. “Ample, even?”

“Shut up, don’t be cute,” Sadie said. “How can you think you’re not enough for me? If I’m not in class, I’m with you. This is the happiest I’ve ever been, and you’re a huge part of why.”

Brian leaned his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands as he tried to decide how deep to dive with this. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then sat back and looked at her miserably. “You didn’t come back to New York for me,” he said. “You came back for this class.”

She gawked at him. “Is that a problem?”

“No, it’s great,” he said. “It’s great. Please don’t take any of this to mean that I don’t love that you’re doing this, because I do.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “Then I’m going to need you to make your next point.”

Brian tried to hold her gaze, but he couldn’t, not when what his next point was this horrible sentence: “I’m scared you’re going to find out there’s more to this city than me.”

Sadie’s stomach sank. “Brian,” she said, her voice breaking.

He shrugged. “It’s possible,” he said. “First thing you did when you got here was charm the goddamn pants off of me. I meet a lot of people, Sadie. You weren’t the first girl I’ve sat down beside.”

“I know I'm not,” she said, defensiveness prickling up her spine.

“But you were _you,_ and you just--” He grimaced, cutting himself off with his hands balling into frustrated fists. “What if someone else sits next to you one day and you decide you like them better?”

“I won’t like them better, because I fucking love you,” she said. “What do you think you are to me? You think you’re just a gateway to bigger and better dick?”

“It’s a big city, Sadie.”

“I’m aware of that, Brian, and you make me feel safe,” she said. “Of course there’s more to this city than you, but you’re my favourite part.”

“Jesus,” Brian muttered, leaning forward to cover his face again, his body aching with emotion.

Sadie couldn't stand to watch him so uncertain. “You’re worried about _me?_ ” she pressed. “Your biggest competition is my gay classmate and fictional strangers you’re making up in your head. I’ve got the entire country to compete with.”

He sighed. “You don’t.”

“Bullshit I don’t,” she said. “That girl at the bookstore took one look at me and couldn’t believe I was your girlfriend, and she wasn’t crazy. You could have the prettiest girl in the room, and that’s never going to be me, Brian.”

Brian huffed. “That’s not true, Sadie,” he said. “I told you at the bookstore not to listen to her.”

“Well, I did anyway,” she said.

“You don’t have to worry about that with me,” he told her. “When I’m with you, I don’t even fucking see anybody else. Goddamn Wonder Woman could walk into the room and I’d still be looking at you.”

She smirked. “I’d be looking at Wonder Woman.”

“Well, that’s why you’re my dream girl.”

“Because I’d have a threeway with you and Wonder Woman?”

“I mean, among other reasons.”

Sadie tried to turn her smirk into a smile, but she was too sad. She’d miss this too much if it went away, and right now, she felt like she was losing him. “I guess that’s the shitty part,” she said. “I’m happy with you and you’re happy with me, so why can’t either of us believe it?”

Brian’s breath caught in his throat. That really was it. That was their problem. “I don’t know,” he said at last. “Maybe we’re broken.”

“We already knew that,” Sadie said. “You knew my life story the night you met me, remember?”

Brian hung his head. “I’m sorry I said that to you,” he said. “I’m sorry I said any of it.”

She shrugged. “Thanks,” she said quietly.

Brian watched her. He’d seen her tired, he’d seen her hungover, he’d seen her with dark circles under her eyes and he’d seen her too stressed to remember to eat. He’d seen her the day they flew from New York to her hometown when the cabin pressure had given her a headache so bad he had to ask the stewardess for an ice pack. But no matter what, there was always a spark. There was always a glimmer to Sadie that said _I’m trying._ Not tonight. Tonight, she was just tired.

“Sadie?”

She looked at him, torn out of her thoughts. “Yeah?”

“I was really drunk last night,” he said. “I don’t remember some of the things we said.”

She nodded. “Same.”

“But I remember you said I’d break your heart,” he said. “And that’s why you don’t trust me either.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I remember that too.”

“Do you still mean it?”

Sadie shrugged and bit her lip to keep it from shaking. “I think so?”

Brian ran a hand over his hair and couldn’t look at her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his throat hurting.

“I know,” she whispered back, and couldn’t look away. “I am too.”

“Fuck,” he muttered, because he was lost. He wanted to get up and get in his car and drive until this went away, but his heart was right here with her. If he moved an inch, it would rip in half. “Sadie, I don’t know what to do.”

She hugged her arms to her body. “Neither do I.”

“I wish we could go back to last night when we were talking about Halloween and Christmas,” Brian said. “You almost said you’d stay.”

“I wanted to,” Sadie said. “I still want to.”

Hope crossed Brian’s face. “Are you still coming to Jersey with me tomorrow?”

Sadie’s heart broke as she shook her head. “No.”

He was crestfallen, but not surprised. Then he turned his eyes to her with a terrible, resigned fear. “We’re not breaking up, are we?”

Sadie met his gaze, just as crushed. “Are we?”

“Do you want to?” he asked.

“Not in a million years,” she said. “Do you?”

“Jesus, no, but I mean--” He shrugged helplessly. “Can we fix this?”

“I hope so,” she said, trying to sound optimistic, but they both heard how sad she was.

Brian had never wanted to fix something so much. He couldn't believe how badly he'd broken this, this thing he loved with all his fucked up little heart, and all he wanted was to snap his fingers and fix it. He wanted to draw the curtains and put on some coffee and turn off his phone and just sit here with her until it was better -- but he couldn’t. Someone always had to leave.

When he trusted his voice to come out even, he looked at her. “I’m sorry I have to leave tomorrow."

He could tell she was trying not to cry. “It’s okay,” she said.

They sat in silence for a long time, and he didn’t touch her when she sniffled and she didn’t touch him when he rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. They sat on opposite sides of the couch, miles apart, both in quiet agony as their hearts cracked and shattered in the space between them.  

“Thanks for getting pizza,” Brian said softly.

“You’re welcome,” Sadie said, and finally he saw her spark, her glimmer of _I’m trying,_ as she leaned forward to open the box and take a slice. He watched with a gut-wrenching ache in his chest as she forced herself to take a bite while tears streamed down her face.

He wanted to sweep her into his arms but he felt glued to his side of the couch. He choked up, at a loss. “Do you want me to stay at Sal’s tonight?”

Sadie looked at him and dropped her pizza back in the box and shook her head, a helpless mess of tears. “No, I don’t want you to go,” she wept.

“I won’t, I won’t,” he promised, opening an arm and bringing her in against his chest, where he held her while she cried and he tried not to. “I won’t,” he said, but in the morning, still broken, he would.


	15. with an aching in my heart and my pockets full of sand

“Oh my God,” Joe bellowed, about to bust through the roof. “What the hell is taking that flat-footed bastard so goddamn long?”

“He’s probably still doing his hair,” Murr said. “He doesn’t just roll out of bed like that.”

“He should,” Joe said. “I like his gently tousled look.”

“It’s a good look,” Murr approved.

“A million bucks says he’s still sleeping though,” Joe said. "Just so everyone knows, if he’s still sleeping, I’m gonna eat Murr.”

“Me?!” Murr squawked, outraged. “Eat Q, he’s got more meat.”

“Yeah, but you’re easier to kill.”

“You said that with too much confidence,” Murr said.

“Better hope he’s not sleeping then,” Joe said. “Someone lay on the horn.”

“Not again,” their driver said. “His neighbours are going to kill us.”

“Fine, I’ll call him,” Joe grumbled, digging his phone out of his pocket just as Sal came scrambling out of his house. “You’re lucky, Murr.”

They watched Sal hurry down the driveway and into the waiting van, where he immediately started to bitch about having to sit next to Murr.

“Switch with me,” Sal said to Joe, already frazzled. “You know I can’t handle sitting next to him.”

“Not a goddamn chance,” Joe laughed.

While Joe and Sal argued about the seating arrangements, Murr turned around in his seat, nearly strangling himself with his seatbelt in the process. “What’s up, grumpy gills?”

The van hadn’t even left New York city limits and everyone was already on Brian’s last nerve. He wished he’d just driven himself -- Cresskill, New Jersey was only an hour away from Staten Island -- but he’d promised Sadie he’d take the van with the rest of the guys. She was still sad and wounded this morning but she wanted him with his friends instead of alone on the freeway. He figured he’d keep making promises to her for as long as he could, so here he was, sulking in the backseat next to Joe.

Brian looked at Murr, unimpressed. “Grumpy gills?”

“I have nieces and nephews; Finding Nemo’s part of my vocabulary now,” Murr said. “What’s wrong with you? You haven’t said a word since we picked you up.”

“That’s because it’s too early to talk to you,” Brian said. “Go back to slurping your noodles.”

But Murr was undeterred (although he did slurp some noodles). “I thought Sadie was supposed to come with us this weekend.”

Overhearing, Sal tore himself out of his argument with Joe and looked at Brian. “Hey, yeah,” he snapped. “Where the hell is Sadie?”

“She’s not coming,” Brian said, and left it at that.

“Why?” Sal asked. “She couldn’t get out of class or what?”

Brian shrugged.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Sal said. “You had all day yesterday. Don’t tell me you didn’t work it out.”

“Honestly, I was surprised to see you alive and your house still standing this morning,” Joe said, because he never knew when to pump the brakes. “She looked pissed at your party.”

“She was _sad,”_ Sal corrected. “Which is even worse.”

“Well," Joe said, "when I saw her she looked like she wanted to rip off Q’s head and go bowling with it.”

“We’re fine,” Brian insisted. “Can we just drive?”

“You and Sadie had a fight?” Murr asked, completely oblivious.

“Yes,” Brian said, sighing, his patience non-existent. “Now will you all fuck off?”

“But you didn’t break up,” Sal said, practically leaning over the seat to touch Brian’s arm. “You’re still together.”

“Yeah, for now, I guess.”

Sal smacked his arm. “Unacceptable!”

“Ow!” Brian yelled, cradling his arm. “Stay on your side of the fucking van!”

“No!” Sal exclaimed. “You’re an idiot and I won’t keep my hands to myself!”

“Q, I like Sadie,” Murr piped in.

“Oh, we _all_ like Sadie,” Sal seethed. “Q’s a fucking bozo.”

“A _bozo?”_ Brian demanded. “Nice one.”

“A bozo!” Sal confirmed. “So what, you have one stupid fight and that’s it? One idiotic petty fight about idiotic petty bullshit and you let the best girl you’ve ever met walk out of your life?”

“That does sound like something a bozo would do,” Murr said helpfully.

Brian glared at Sal. “She hasn’t walked out of my life. She’s home.”

“Great!” Sal shouted. “Then let’s go pick her up!”

“She’s not coming!” Brian yelled back.

“Do you  _want_ her to?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then what’s your problem?!”

Brian shook his head and looked out the window. “We need a little space.”

“YOU NEED SPAAACE?”  

“Fellas,” Joe said, putting one hand on Brian’s chest and the other on Sal’s. “Let’s not kill each other until we get to Jersey.”

Sal turned to Joe and gestured wildly in Brian’s direction. “Can you believe this shit?” Sal demanded. “They need space, he says. An entire country and ten months wasn’t enough space; now they need a little more.”

Brian sighed. “Sal--”

“No, launch yourself to the moon for all I care,” Sal said. “I’m glad I’m sitting next to Murr.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Murr said.

“That wasn’t a compliment for you,” Brian told Murr. “That was an insult to me.”

“I take what I can get.”

“Okay, Q,” Joe said, playing referee. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to throw you all from this vehicle but unfortunately it’s still not moving yet.”

“Cute,” Sal said.

“All right, after that, then what?” Joe asked. “Are we getting Sadie or are we hitting the road?”

“We’re hitting the road.”

Sal turned around in his seat and put his headphones on. Murr and Joe exchanged looks before Murr also turned around and pulled out his phone, seeming to understand this ride wasn’t going to be fun for anyone. Poor Joe was stuck in the back with Brian, whose bad mood was rolling off him in waves.

The van pulled away from the curb and Brian watched the houses on Sal’s street blur past his window. He’d been here a million times, and this was home to him, even if everyone he loved was mad at him. Suddenly he was so sad he couldn’t keep his walls up anymore.

He looked over at Joe. He thought he knew what he wanted to say, but he just shook his head and gave up.

But Joe understood. He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “It’ll be okay, bud,” he promised, and there was something about the way he said it that almost made Brian believe him.

+

Even though she didn’t go to Jersey with Brian, Sadie skipped class anyway.

She hadn’t played hooky since math class in high school (to this day, she couldn’t do long division to save her life) and she only did it when her anxiety was killing her. She’d walk to the corner store, buy cigarettes, sit somewhere sunny to read her book, and escape into her soothing world of self-destruction and make-believe. Sadie had always been the type to make room for problems rather than fixing them.

And that was exactly what she planned to do today. After a night of sleeping miles apart on opposite edges of the bed, she laid there after Brian left, unable to go back to sleep, unable to stomach the idea of going all the way to Manhattan and sitting through class and talking to anyone who didn’t know how close to broken her heart was, and decided to do what she did best. She picked the saddest book from the pile she’d accumulated since coming back to New York, bought cigarettes for the first time in two years, and set out to wreck her heart and her lungs for the day.

Sadie walked until she came to a beach, where she drifted across rocky sand and tiny white and purple seashells, her chest filling with hello and goodbye so fast she felt like she was drowning. Careful not to slip, she found a spot on the rocks where the ocean splashed, sat down, and pulled out her book.

It wasn’t until she’d chainsmoked her way to her fifth cigarette that she realized there was no way she could concentrate on anyone else’s story right now, so she closed her book and lit her sixth. She checked her phone, even though she knew she’d have nothing from Brian. He had nothing from her, either.

To her surprise, she had a text from Joe Gatto.

_Sadie, my lady! Missing you this weekend. Call if you need anything!_

She nearly did just that, rocking back from his little burst of kindness. She stared down at his words, wondering what it was that she needed exactly -- for Brian to come home? For her to _go_ home? Fucking therapy? She had no idea, but she didn’t have much time to wonder about it before her phone vibrated as Joe texted her again.  

_Found this on my phone. Thought you should have it._

A third text came in, and Sadie smiled for the first time since the Fourth of July. Joe had texted a photo of Sadie and Brian that he’d taken from across the table the night they’d all gone to see Sal do stand-up, one that she’d had no idea he’d taken until just now. In all her life, she’d never seen a smile like that on her face before, but that wasn’t why her heart was pounding in her throat.

In the photo, Sadie’s gaze was fixed delightedly off to the side as she laughed at the comedian on stage, but Brian’s eyes were on her. He wasn’t even fully smiling; he was just looking at her, doe eyes soft and dazed. She’d seen that adoring, admiring, awe-struck look on him before -- when Joe was talking about his kids, or when Murr was talking about his book, or when Sal was doing anything at all -- but she’d had no idea he looked at her like that, too. Like there was nobody else in the room. Like anyone could walk in and he’d still be looking at her. Like every loving little thing he’d ever said, he’d meant.

Sadie could feel her shoulders burning from the sun and she missed his gentle hands as she looked up from the photo and out at the water and Brooklyn sparkling in the distance. It was all so different from the prairies she’d worked so hard to leave behind, so much bolder and more beautiful. Maybe it would be easier to go back. Maybe no one back home looked at her like Brian did, but there was no one who could break her heart like he could, either.

So she put her book in her bag and rooted around until she found a pen and some paper. This was what she came here for, right? Not someone else’s story, her story. All she had was an old receipt, but that would have to do. She flipped it over and started to write a letter.

When she was finished, she picked up her phone.

+

They had a such a hard time getting their shit together that by the time they were done filming for the day, it was getting dark and the mall they were shooting in was almost closed. It wasn’t like Brian had been expecting to be at the top of his game today, so he wasn’t surprised when he didn’t land a single joke or get a single thumbs up. It certainly hadn’t helped that Sal was out for blood, feeding him lines that even Joe wouldn’t say in a million years. Whatever. They were filming Sal’s punishment tomorrow, which, despite his mood, Brian was more than looking forward to.

“The hotel has a bar,” Murr said on the ride back from set. “You guys wanna grab a drink?”

“I’m in,” Brian and Sal muttered at the same time, and then glared at each other.

“Hotel also has a pool,” Joe said to Brian. He’d voluntarily taken the seat next to him in the back row. “Might be fun.”

Brian smirked. Joey always meant well. “Forgot my water wings.”

“Suit yourself,” Joe said as they pulled into the hotel parking lot. “We’ve got an early start tomorrow so I wouldn’t get too sloppy tonight.”

But that was exactly what Brian wanted to do. Just like Sadie, his first instinct was to fall back on his old tricks, and for him, that was whiskey and a front row seat at the bar. He hadn’t heard from her all day, and he hadn’t had the balls to say anything to her either, and both of those facts were killing him. He was tired of thinking straight today, so he lagged behind Sal and Murr on the way across the hotel lobby and into the low-lit bar, where the three of them sat at a table. Murr sat on one side and put his bag down on the seat next to him, too oblivious to the tension to know that he should’ve taken the seat beside Sal so Brian wouldn’t have to. (Although it was possible that he knew exactly what he was doing -- Murr always had a plan, after all).

Five beers and three shots into the night and Brian and Sal still weren’t talking, but they played nice for the handful of people who came up to their table to meet them and get pictures for their moms or girlfriends or little brothers who watched the show. At the end of the day, they were still brothers who had each other’s backs.

“He has a girlfriend,” Sal said to the girl who’d stuck around too long after stopping by for a selfie, emboldened by liquid courage. Sal had had too much to drink too, and the hand she laid on Brian’s arm no matter how many times he tried to move it was sending him up the wall.

The girl shrugged. “I have a boyfriend.”

Brian offered a forced smile up to the girl. “Thanks for saying hi.”

“Have a good night, honey,” Murr said to her, flashing his best smile, efficient even in his ability to end an encounter and make the other person think it was their idea.

Once the girl went back to her table and Murr went back to dicking around on his phone, Brian glanced at Sal, who had his eyes glued to the boxing match on TV. “Thanks.”

Sal crossed his arms over his chest but didn’t look at Brian. “Well, you didn’t say it, so I thought I should.”

Brian finally turned to him. “You gonna be mad at me all fucking weekend?”

“Maybe,” Sal said, not looking away from the TV.

Brian rolled his eyes. “Why?”

Sal shrugged. “I told you,” he said. “If you hurt her, we’d kill you. The stakes were pretty high.”

“Dude, I’m already beating myself up over it,” Brian said. “I don’t need you giving me a hard time too.”

“Someone has to,” Sal scoffed. “You’re not doing a goddamn thing to fix it and I’m pissed. I’m pissed at you and I’m sad for her.”

“Sal--”

“No, you wanted to know why I’m mad at you, so I’m going to tell you,” Sal snapped. “I really fucking like that girl, Q.”

Murr looked up from his phone long enough to chime in, “So do I.”

Sal finally locked eyes with Brian. “I like an awful lot of things about her but one of my favourites is that she loves you as much as I do,” he said. “And I kept telling you that you deserve a girl like her and now I feel like a dick because maybe the truth is you don’t.”

Brian blinked, looking like he’d been struck. “Oh.” He took a swig of his beer and scrubbed a hand over his beard as he let that hit him like a ton of bricks. “All right.”

Sal jerked a thumb in the direction of the girl who’d overstayed her welcome. “Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Girls who’ll cheat on their boyfriends just so they can say they fucked a D-list celebrity? Because let me tell you, you’re never going to find another Sadie, Q.”

Brian huffed a miserable laugh. “I mean, that much, I know.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“Goddammit, I don’t know yet, Sally.”

Sal sighed. “I don’t get what your problem is.”

“Neither do I, okay?”

“Sometimes you have to fight for things,” Sal said, and then closed a gentle hand around his wrist to stop him from responding. “I know you already have, buddy, I know you did it for years; I fucking know that; I was there, and I know you probably thought things were going to be easier for you now. But if you really love her, you can’t just sit here getting drunk with your phone in your pocket while she’s back in Staten Island thinking you’re giving up on her.”

Brian looked at him. “How would you know what she’s thinking? Have you _talked_ to her?”

“No, I haven’t talked to her,” Sal snapped. “Now you’re suspicious of _me?”_

Brian threw his hands up in the air, exhausted and nearly laughing at his own absurdity. “I’m a fucking asshole!” 

Sal didn’t crack a smile. “Hey, here’s an idea,” he said. “How about you just don’t be an asshole?”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll get right on it.”

“No, don’t give me that shit,” Sal said. “Saying you’re an asshole isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card. I love you, but just because life made you a little rough around the edges doesn’t mean you’re not accountable for your bullshit.”

Brian shook his head but folded his elbows on the table, as if settling in to receive his lashings. “Maybe she shouldn’t be with me.”

Sal closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep his cool. “Except for the fact that she loves you,” he said slowly, enunciating carefully. “At your party, before she went inside to have you rip her head off, she was telling that guy from her class how in love with you she is. Like, swooning, Q. She had goddamn hearts in her eyes. I saw it myself.”

“Me too,” Murr added, not looking up from Instagram.

“See, even Murr saw it,” Sal said. “And you’re going to take that from her just because you’re too chicken shit to change?”

Brian didn’t say anything.

Sal wanted to shake him. The shittiest part of this was that he knew Brian was fully aware of how lucky he was -- but that still didn’t stop him from wondering if it would be better for her if he wasn’t in her life. It seemed like the only thing Brian’s brain was listening to lately was his jealousy and paranoia, so Sal switched tactics. “Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d been the one who sat beside her that day at the park.”

Brian flinched. “You do?”

Sal shrugged. “Yeah. Like if it had been my turn instead of yours. Would she have put her book down for me? Would we have hit it off like you two did?”

That worked. Brian looked at him, and Sal didn’t see any of the indifference that his self-loathing had coated him in. “That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about.”

There he was. Sal smirked. “Then act like it.”

The corner of Brian’s mouth lifted up, but it wasn’t quite a smirk. He didn’t have it in him. But Sal had gotten through to him; he could see that at least. “You really wonder about that?”

“Is that a serious question? Who wouldn’t want what you have?” Sal asked. “That was love at first sight, man. We all saw it.”

Brian looked crushed. “She made me feel like the sun came out.”

“She still does,” Sal told him.

“She still does,” Brian agreed softly.

“You have a good thing, Q,” Sal said. “She’s a keeper. She makes you laugh, and she doesn’t put up with your shit, and she loves everything about you from your cats to your friends down to the way you say words wrong and can’t dance to save your life. You wanna talk about the sun coming out? That’s how I’ve felt about you since you met her, because finally, I got to see my best friend happy every day.”

Brian let that sink in.

“And if you’re willing to let that go? Just because you flat out refuse to like yourself enough to trust that someone like her could be good to you?” Sal shrugged. “I don’t know. Then you really are an asshole.”

“Yeah,” Brian said. “I guess I would be.”

“I think you’re great, Q,” Murr said helpfully, and then lit up as he waved into his phone. “Hey guys! It’s Murr from Impractical Jokers!”

“Are you doing a Facebook Live right now?” Sal demanded.

“And Instagram,” Murr replied, not taking his attention off his phone. “I’m here with Q and Sal in Cresskill, New Jersey, and we’re a little drunk!”

Sal gave Brian a deadpan glare. “Now _he’s_ an asshole.”

Brian chuckled. He felt a little lighter now that he at least had Sal back. “Thanks, Sally.”

“Whatever,” Sal said with a good-natured roll of his eyes as he squeezed Brian’s shoulder. “Want another round?”

“I don’t know,” Brian said, shoving his chair back. “I gotta take a piss first.”

They both got up but went their separate ways, Sal to the bar and Brian to the men’s room on the other side of the bar.

He was about to go in when the ladies’ room door swung open and before he knew it, there was a hand on his wrist and lips brushing his ear as the girl from earlier pressed against him and whispered, "Room 1201."

+

An hour away in Staten Island, Sadie packed her bag.


	16. so you go all kinds of crazy just thinking that she might be gone

Brian pulled on his boxers.

He hung up the hotel-issued towel on the back of the bathroom door and padded across the room, body still damp and steamy from his scalding hot shower. It was after eleven now and he was restless, alcohol still working its way through his system as he paced the room, not ready for sleep, not touching his phone, sick of his own company.

Of course he didn’t fucking go to that girl’s room. He’d mustered a laugh and a no thank you as he pulled his wrist out of her grasp and jerked back from the lips brushing his jaw, and then he’d made a beeline for Sal. “I gotta go to bed,” he’d told him, probably looking as sketchy as he felt, but he needed to get out of there and couldn’t explain all the reasons why. He crossed the lobby and slumped in the elevator up to his floor, face in his hands, feeling like a villain in all the worst ways.

Brian could still feel the girl’s hand on his wrist, could still feel her breath against the side of his face, and he felt sick to his stomach. He hadn’t touched Sadie since he put sunscreen on her nose and shoulders and told her to stay. He didn’t want to touch anyone but Sadie for the rest of his life, and he hadn’t even kissed her goodbye this morning. He needed to fucking do something.

Once he’d reached the solace of his empty room, he’d thought maybe a hot shower would help, but all it did was leave him alone with his thoughts, the unfamiliar taps and tiny bars of soap and stark white towels only reminding him that this wasn’t home, and that she wasn't here.

Now he was pacing the room in his boxers, sweating the alcohol out, mind racing. Sal had been right. Every word he’d said. Brian knew it, and he wanted to throw up as his brain hooked on _you’re never going to find another Sadie_ and wouldn’t let go. He knew that as well as anyone else did -- better, in fact -- he was just scared to pick up his phone and find nothing from her.

So he left it dying in his jeans pocket and reached for the remote control.

Every shitty sitcom and canned laugh track reminded him of her and the night they’d stayed up all night, with him in Detroit and her back home and snuggled up on his couch, miles apart, but closer than ever. He’d pay money to be on the phone with her, listening to her heckle Tim Allen and Ray Romano in one breath and then turn around and laugh at a lame pun with the next. These stupid fucking shows made him miss her so much he thought maybe he should just say fuck it and find his way back to Staten Island tonight.

And then he turned the channel, and by some miserable stroke of luck, landed on _To Kill a Mockingbird._

“You’re fucking kidding me,” he muttered, almost laughing out loud at the black and white sight of Atticus Finch in court, delivering a speech Brian had already heard this summer, sitting at his kitchen table, nursing coffee and a hangover as Sadie read her favourite book to him. He snapped the TV off and sat frozen at the foot of his bed, thinking about her reading to him with her head on his shoulder. She couldn’t pronounce _rural_ or _revelation_ on the first try, and even though she was a girl who cursed like a sailor, there were words in it that she wouldn’t say, and she always looked so happy whenever he asked for one more chapter.All of that, combined with the memory of her reading until her voice turned scratchy, was enough to break his heart clean in half -- and that was when he finally said fuck it and got to his feet.

Brian grabbed his jeans and fished his phone out of his pocket, scrolling past the notifications he’d ignored all day as he looked for her name. He held his breath -- what if she _had_ tried to contact him and all he’d given her was radio silence; what if he saw _Sadie Waters (3 missed calls)_ followed by a series of texts ending in _well fuck you then?_

But there was nothing. No texts, no missed calls. She hadn’t tried to say a word to him today.   

It stung, but it made sense. When Sadie was back in Canada, she had almost always waited for him to call first, as if not wanting to bother him, completely unaware that every time his phone went off, he hoped it was her. This was just how she was. She waited for him to come to her.

Besides, he was the one who fucked up. The ball was in his court.

So Brian threw on some shorts and a T-shirt, stuffed his phone and his key card into his pocket, and barrelled out of his room. Joe was down the hall in Room 707, and Brian knew he was probably asleep, and that he might give him a hard time, but he’d be sober and rational and he’d tell him what he needed to hear whether he liked it or not. What did he say to her? Did he go home? What if she wasn’t there? How did he come back from that?

“Son of a bitch,” Brian groaned, resting his forehead on Joe’s door when there was no answer. He knocked one more time for good measure, and then gave up, standing in the empty hallway like an idiot. He was on his own.

He’d go crazy if he went back to his room, so he decided to take Joe’s advice from earlier -- which he should have done in the first place -- and went downstairs to the hotel pool.

It was outdoors and open all night and blessedly empty, so he stepped outside and took what felt like his first breath all day. Kicking off his sandals, he walked barefoot around the pool to the deep end, where he sat down on the edge with his feet dangling in the water. Reflections rippled over him gently as he sat under the stars, elbows on his knees, breathing in the chlorine, and then pulled his phone out of his pocket again.

Sadie hadn’t tried to get in touch with him, but everyone else had. Work emails. Tweets. A missed call from his mother. Fourteen texts: one from his dad telling him to call his mom back, one from Bryan Johnson telling him to shit or get off the pot (and a follow-up, asking if he was doing all right), and a bunch from friends he would normally be happy to talk to but couldn’t be bothered with right now. One from Sal from half an hour ago, asking if he wanted to go for a walk. Another from Sal five minutes later saying he was drunk and was going to die without McDonald’s. One from Joe, just a couple of minutes ago, asking if he was up -- Brian must’ve woken him up when he’d knocked. And then one more from Sal: _Love you buddy!_

Brian quickly shot off a couple of texts -- one to his mom, telling her he’d call in the morning, one to Sal _(“Love you too.  Go the fuck to sleep.”),_ and one to Joe _(“outside at the pool”)._ That left him with 4% battery.

What he wanted to say to Sadie would take a lot more than 4%, but he started typing anyway. He didn’t give a fuck about typos or eloquence; he just needed her to know. He needed her to know everything.

He needed her to know he was thinking about her.

He needed her to know he loved her enough to be done with his bullshit.

He loved her enough to forgive everyone who had ever hurt him. He couldn’t love her like she deserved if he was still smarting over other people’s betrayals, and he understood that now.

He needed her to know that he wanted to read all of her favourite books and he wanted to know what she thought of his, and that all he wanted to do was build a library together. She could put everything in alphabetical order. He’d build the shelves.

He needed her to know that he would check the weather every day and tell her when there was a storm coming and that she was all the sunshine he needed.

He’d buy her flowers to press between pages in her paperbacks and he’d buy her plane tickets and painkillers for her headaches and hangovers. He’d buy sunscreen and bandaids. He’d keep an eye on her in the sun and he’d let her be kind and gentle with him when he hurt himself. They would be safe together.  

She was the only girl in the world to him no matter where she was, and he needed her to know that too. The end of summer didn’t mean the end of them, regardless of where she was come September. He still wanted her here for Halloween and Christmas and he wanted to kiss her at midnight, not just on New Years, but every night of every year. She could do what she wanted with that.

But more than anything, he needed her to know he was sorry. He was sorry for all of it -- he was sorry for yelling, he was sorry for letting her hand over her phone to him, he was sorry for missing the fireworks -- but most of all he was sorry for telling her he didn’t know what to do. He was sorry for even thinking it. He knew what to do; he always had. He’d known since the day he met her.

_Don’t let that girl walk away._

1% battery. _I love you,_ he added as quickly as he could, and hit send. With a sinking heart, he watched as his screen went black and his phone died in his hand. He could only hope it had gone through.

Brian slipped the phone back in his pocket, swishing his feet through the water as he waited for his head and his heart to stop pounding. He should go back inside and go upstairs and plug in his phone and just fucking call her, but he needed a minute first -- his throat felt tight and his skin was hot and the stars were spinning above him with the fear of losing her. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this.

Once he had a hold of himself, he’d go back to his room and see if Joe was still up, and if not, he’d get a good sleep so he could get up early and talk to him. They were supposed to start shooting Sal’s punishment at eleven; if he could get a ride, he could be in Staten Island by eight and back in Jersey with plenty of time to spare.

Assuming Sadie would come with him, of course.

And if she wouldn't?

“Okay,” he muttered, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, stilling his heart and his lungs and his nerves as best as he could. “Okay.”

It would be better in the morning, he told himself. Just get through one more night without her.

Hand still on his face, Brian heard the door to the pool open, and he quickly dropped his arms to his lap, hope and relief flooding through him. Joe was such a fucking champ. He deserved a medal for putting up with his shit. They all did.

“Hey,” he called, moving to get up, but then his knees buckled when he saw that it wasn’t Joe at all. He almost slipped backwards. _“Hey.”_

“Hey,” Sadie called, looking just as guarded and curious as she had on the day they’d met. She let the pool entrance door close behind her and took a step closer to him. “Careful.”

“Where the hell did you come from?” Brian breathed, his voice catching on the emotion in his throat as he sprang to his feet and rushed to her, relieved beyond belief when she met him halfway.

“I just--” Sadie didn’t finish, dropping her bag and wrapping her arms around his neck, the impact of his embrace knocking the words out of her. She held on as tightly as he did, standing on her tiptoes so she could press in closer. “I missed you; I couldn’t--”

He pulled her in so tight she lifted off her toes. “I couldn’t either,” he told her, both of them talking at the same time, reduced to shaky little voices, so relieved to be face to face they couldn’t stop cutting each other off, until all they could do was laugh and hold on. “I missed you too,” he finally managed.

“I'm so happy to see you,” she said. “That was terrible.”

“Sorry, Sadie,” he breathed, “sorry sorry sorry.”

“I know you are,” she breathed back. “I’m not mad.”

Brian set her back down on her feet but didn’t let her go. “Am I still drunk or are you actually here?”

She laughed into the crook of his neck. “Both, I think.”

He wanted to fucking cry. “For me?”

“Of course for you,” she said, and wanted to cry too. “Of course, Brian.”

Brian gave her one more squeeze and then released her, holding her by the shoulders so he could get a good look at her. She was actually here, the bright-eyed love of his life, sunburnt and shy, wearing one of his hoodies, standing right here in front of him. “How did you get here?”

“I took a bus,” Sadie said. “Joe picked me up from the station.”

“Joe?”

“Yeah, I called him earlier today; he helped me sort everything out,” she said. “You weren’t in your room when we got back, so he said I’d find you out here.”

Brian laughed. “That son of a bitch,” he said. “He’s got one hell of a poker face.”

She smiled. “You’ve got one hell of a friend.”

“A few of them,” he agreed, and held her face in his hand, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “And one hell of a girl.”

She nuzzled into his touch, looking pleased to hear that. “I didn’t know if you’d be happy to see me or not.”

“Are you crazy? I’m out of my mind happy to see you.” He marvelled at her. “You took a bus to fucking Jersey.”

“I did,” she laughed. “The accents were colourful.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, you guys just talk funny.”

“No,” he laughed. “Why are you here?”

Sadie shrugged, like that should be obvious. “I thought I lost you,” she said. “And that felt like a silly way to feel when I knew exactly where to find you.”

Brian didn’t know what to do with that information. A hand raked through his hair as he rocked back on his heels. “Wow,” he chuckled, shell-shocked.

“You look so surprised,” she said, studying him with sad eyes. “It kind of breaks my heart.”

“Yeah, I mean--” Brian shook his head, frustrated, and then laughed. “I’m speechless, I don’t know. I just wasn’t expecting you. In any fucking sense of the word.”

“I wasn’t about to give up on you,” Sadie told him. “You’ve been going the extra mile for me since week one, and the most I’ve let myself do is meet you halfway. It was my turn to show up for you.”

He bit his lip and nodded. “That means a lot to me, Sadie.”

“Well, good,” she said. “Because you mean a lot to me.”

Brian’s hands went to Sadie’s face, palm of his hand against her jaw, fingers curling into her hair, and pulled her closer. “Can I kiss you?”

Sadie scoffed. “Yeah, you can fucking kiss me,” she laughed, a whimper in the back of her throat as she kissed him harder than she’d ever kissed anyone in her entire life.

Brian had been in his head all day but now she was here and now it was time for his heart and his hands to take over. He held her face and kissed her back -- softer than he’d ever kissed anyone in his whole life.

They made out poolside until Brian’s hand slid from her jaw down over her chest and down to the hem of her t-shirt, where it came to a stop and gripped fabric when she pressed her pelvis against his. Foreheads pressed together, they pulled away and caught their breath. “I’m a fucking idiot,” he laughed, heart in his throat.

She smiled when he kissed her temple. “No you’re not,” she said. 

"I almost fucked this up," he said. "I'm an idiot."

She smirked. "Only if you don't take me upstairs right now."

Brian grinned at her, picked up her bag, and then threw her over his shoulder and carried her to the door, the sound of her laughter undoing every strand of worry that had tangled him up all day.

“Put me down,” she giggled. “I’m going to smack my head on the door.”

Laughing deliriously, he did as he was told but took her hand in his, barely able to force himself to walk to the elevator -- but when the doors opened and they stepped inside and pressed the button for the 7th floor, they were out of breath like they’d run the whole way. The doors closed, leaving them alone, and Brian backed her up into a corner, where her hands slipped under his shirt and his hands slid into her back pockets, cupping her ass as his mouth moved down her jawline.

“You forgot your shoes,” Sadie said, her laugh punctuated by a gasp when his mouth ghosted over the sweet spot on her neck.

“Fuck em,” he laughed back, silencing her with his lips crushed to hers. The elevator doors opened on the 7th floor and almost closed again before they noticed that they’d even come to a stop. “This way,” Brian said, interlocking their fingers as he pulled her down the hall.

“Oh my God,” Sadie chuckled, taking the key card from him when his fumbling hands fucked up for the third time, and opened the door for him. “After you.”

Brian went inside first and tossed her bag onto the floor, and then turned back in time to see Sadie look up at him, eyes soft and tentative and wondering, as the door closed behind her. One little look and he’d never loved her so much. She’d found him and he was going to keep her. She didn’t have a chance to gasp or even blink as he swept her into his arms and rammed her up against the wall.

With a growl, Brian shoved her sweater down her shoulders, locking her hands behind her back, holding them captive while he bruised her neck with kisses. Sadie arched her back, angling her body away from the wall and flush against Brian’s, practically purring when she felt him hard against her leg. That soft little sound brought his lips back to hers as he gently worked the sweater down her arms and let it fall at their feet.

His hands roamed up and down her body, pulling her shirt up over her body and dropping it over his shoulder, before he yanked her shorts down and sank to his knees on the floor along with them. He tossed one of her knees over his shoulder and buried his face between her legs, his tongue lapping relentlessly until all she could do was grasp onto the latch key on the door to stay standing. He hadn’t even fully realized how ravenous he’d been for her until the first taste, and now that he had her on his tongue again, he didn’t want to stop, couldn’t keep track of how many times she came, hardly even cared, devouring her like he was licking his plate clean.

Sadie came until she was nearly sobbing, and when her fingers became claws at the back of his head, he stood up, wiping his mouth with the heel of his hand, and kissed her, delighting in her tremble. She undid his shorts frantically and then wrapped a leg around his waist, gasping sharply when he thrust up into her. He hooked his arm under her other leg and lifted her up off her feet and fucked her against the wall, somehow insatiable and tender all at once.

His cock hit her at the perfect angle like this, immediately sending a tremor through her stomach that shot down to her thighs and knees and toes. She could feel her climax building and building, like a band warming up, one instrument at first and then the others swooping in after it. She tried to catch her breath, but he refused to let her, the staccato rhythm of his hips unfaltering. Her head banged against the wall behind her -- she heard it, didn’t feel it -- and she worried for a second that she was going to slip and fall, but then his arms were roped behind her back, holding her in place.

The sound of his moans was what pushed her over the edge, pleasure exploding into a crescendo, and she scraped her teeth along his shoulder to keep from crying out. Brian wasn’t normally vocal like this, but tonight he was, and they were going to get a fucking noise complaint, so she covered his mouth with her hand. He bit down on her hand while he kept up the pace, their bodies becoming so slick with sweat he almost couldn’t hold her anymore. And then, hips stuttering, his groan almost a yell, he came so hard his head hurt.

Sadie’s knees shook like jelly when he eased her down onto her own two feet again, but she managed to go up on her tiptoes to kiss him anyway. “Think everyone on the 7th floor heard that?” she asked.

“Hope so,” Brian panted, stealing one more kiss before he brought her in against his chest, holding her for a long moment. “I’m trying to come up with a joke to say thanks for coming, but I’m braindead.”

Sadie smiled at him, rosy-cheeked, her hair a mess. “It’s probably for the best.”

He kissed the top of her head and let her go. “Wanna hop in the shower with me?”

“Also probably for the best,” she laughed.

So they showered, and everything that had been so heartbreakingly unfamiliar to Brian less than an hour ago now felt like home, because Sadie was here. They were in and out quickly, eager to get into bed, but before they could make it there, they heard a knock on the door.

“Shit,” Brian said with a grimace, but then cracked up when he saw the caught-red-handed look on Sadie’s face. It wasn’t so hard to imagine what she might’ve looked like as a rebel cutting class in high school. He was happy to be the cause of her guilt. “Go get into bed, I’ll deal with it.”

Brian threw on a white robe and took a deep breath before he cracked the door open. Instead of hotel management or a scandalized guest come to yell at them for acting like a couple of porn stars, it was a pair of wasted jokers.

“We got McDonald’s,” Sal whispered, holding up a brown paper bag while Murr snickered beside him. “You want some fries?”

“No,” Brian laughed, sticking a hand out to push them away. “Get lost. Sadie’s here.”

With a grin, Brian closed the door on their shocked and giddy faces, although he could hear them rejoice drunkenly all the way down the hall. Life couldn’t get much better than this, he thought as he went back to Sadie, who was under the covers on the left side of the bed as usual, looking at her phone.

“We’re filming Sal’s punishment tomorrow,” Brian chuckled, crawling up the bed. “He’d better hope he’s not hungover for it.”

Sadie didn’t crack a smile, not seeming to hear him, her eyes still on her phone. She looked up as he got closer to her, her hand going to his face and scritching his beard.

“What?” he asked, studying her serious little face, worry creeping back into his bones.

“I got your text,” Sadie told him, and to his surprise, swung out of bed and walked across the room.

“Oh,” Brian said, suddenly embarrassed, turning to watch her walk away. “Where are you going?”

Sadie retrieved her overnight bag from where he’d dropped it by the door and brought it back to bed. She climbed back up beside him, and he waited silently, fretfully, as she dug to the bottom of it, looking for something. Finally, she looked at him, and all his worries washed away. “I hadn’t planned on letting you read it,” she said. “But I wrote this for you.”

She handed him a receipt.

Brian took it, confused for a moment, until he flipped it over and saw her handwriting on the back. It was messy and hard to read, like she’d written it on her lap in a rush. While he read, he lifted his arm and she slipped underneath to lay her head on his chest. He turned his knee, and she hooked a leg over. His heart quickened with every word on the back of that receipt, but he could feel her pulse beneath her skin, the beat of the band slowing bar by bar into something safe and soft to fall asleep to.

When he set the receipt down, finished reading the words she’d written today on the beach, Sadie was running her palm over his chest, almost touching it but not quite, as if checking to see if a stove burner was hot. She raised her head to look at him, nervous about his reaction, shy about the heart she’d just let him see, scared that she’d said too much.

But Brian just smiled and held her face in his hands.

“Me too,” he said, and kissed her.


	17. hot as a fever, rattle of bones, i could just taste it, taste it

"Did you know that cats legally have to wear 3 bells at all times to alert birds of their presence in Cresskill, New Jersey?" 

Brian smiled, pressing kisses on Sadie's stomach. "Did you know that you're the cutest person alive?"

Sadie put down her phone and all of the fascinating New Jersey factoids she was reading, and whacked Brian’s arm with a pillow. "Stop that," she said. “Aren't you supposed to be looking for your shoes?”

"Fuck shoes."

She smiled. “You’re going to be late.”

“I’m already late,” Brian said, a hand drifting up her thigh. “Why are you wearing all these clothes?”

“Because I'm ready to go,” she laughed, catching his hand in hers. “Put some pants on.”

With his chin still on her stomach, Brian looked up at her with his puppy dog eyes sweet and pathetic. “Are you sure we can’t just stay here all day?”

“I don’t know, it’s your job, not mine,” Sadie said, laughing when he knocked her onto her back on their hotel bed. “This is the opposite of putting pants on, Brian.”

“I’m sure they can film Sal’s punishment without me,” he muttered, mouth on her neck. “They don’t even need me there.”

His lips found the sweet spot on her neck that rendered her defenceless. “Maybe they can just photoshop you in.”

“I mean, that’s not how TV works,” Brian said, his mouth moving down her neck to her collarbone and sternum. “But I like that we’re brainstorming here.”

“Maybe they could just like splice in old clips of you laughing,” Sadie said, gasping sharply when his hand found its way into her denim shorts and slipped under her panties. “That way you can have sex with me in this hotel room all day and your fans will be none the wiser.”

“Perfect,” he said, though it was up for debate whether he was talking about her idea or about how wet she was.

Brian’s phone went off at the same time that he slid the zipper down on her shorts. He glanced at the caller ID, saw that it was Joe, exchanged looks with Sadie that went from _should I?_ to _nahh,_ and let it ring. It was nine in the morning, and they’d already had sex once since they’d woken up, but he couldn’t help that he couldn’t get enough of her. Just the idea of having to get out of bed and rejoin the real world was enough to make him want to bury deeper.

Which was exactly what two of his fingers were doing when a text chimed on his phone. Sadie let out the breath she’d been holding and he groaned and used his left hand to pick up his phone and look at the message.

_If you’re not down here in 5 minutes I’m coming up to kill you_

“Is that Joe?” Sadie asked. When he nodded, she asked, “What did he say?”

Brian held the phone out to her so she could see.

Sadie read it and sat up. “Hurry up, we’ve got five minutes.”

Brian grinned as she scrambled out of her shorts and then put a hand to the back of his neck to pull him down to her. “I fucking love you.”

Usually a five-minute quickie wouldn’t be anyone’s idea of a good time, but it was different this morning in this hotel room, their hearts back in the honeymoon phase, their bodies finding a perfect frantic rhythm, with the delicious danger of someone interrupting at any moment. They finished in record time, threw their clothes on and rushed out the door, and burst out laughing when they got in the elevator and discovered that Brian’s shirt was on inside-out.

Hands fumbling, they whipped it off and flipped it right-side-in and slipped it back over his head just in time for the doors to open on the main floor, both of them laughing themselves silly as Brian pulled his shirt down and Sadie tucked the tag in at the back.

“Well, holy shit,” Joe said, catching sight of them giggling their way off the elevator. “It’s about goddamn time.”

“Good morning, boys,” Brian crowed as they approached the guys in the lobby, an arm draped over Sadie’s shoulders.

“Hey!” Murr called happily, corralling Sadie in for a hug. “There you are.”

Sal smiled through his hangover and took his turn hugging Sadie. “We were about to send out a search party for you two idiots.”

Brian painted on an innocent look. “Are we late?”

“Only by half a fucking hour,” Joe said, looking him up and down as he fought down a laugh. “Really? Thirty minutes late and this is how you stroll in? Look at your stupid hair.”

Brian raked a hand over his outrageously messy bedhead and offered a helpless, happy shrug. “That’s what we have hair and makeup for, right?”

“They’re not miracle workers,” Joe laughed. “You look like you just survived an earthquake.”

“I mean.” Brian grinned.

Joe grinned back, wagging a comical fist at him. “So help me God if you finish that sentence.”

They all turned their smiles to Sadie like a spotlight. She beamed and leaned in closer to Brian, colour brightening her face. “We made up,” she laughed.

“Trust me,” Joe chuckled back. “Everyone on the 7th floor got the memo.”

There was no shaming Brian or Sadie this morning, and their smiles just widened, neither even remotely close to being embarrassed as they looked at each other with hearts in their eyes.

“If I didn’t want to puke before, I do now,” Sal teased. “Let’s go.”

They walked outside, hit by a wall of humid Jersey summer heat, and headed for the van that was waiting for them at the curb. Murr got in first, immediately trying to sweet talk the driver into stopping somewhere for bagels, and Joe piled in after him, trying to sweet talk the driver into leaving Murr on the side of the road.

Brian climbed in next, going for the back as he always did, and as the remaining two waited their turn to follow after him, Sal gave Sadie a nudge with his elbow. “Hey.”

She smiled up at him. “Hello.”

He smiled back. “Nice of you to join us.”

“Thanks,” she said, over the moon, no idea just how grateful for Sal she should be, and then it was her turn.  

And this time, there was no fight over who would sit next to Brian in the back.

+

Show biz seems glamorous, but it’s a lot of hurry up and wait, as Sadie found out the hard way when they got to set to film Sal’s punishment. They’d already filmed the intro and were now just sitting around waiting while the producers went over the specifics of the punishment with Sal, pointing out where the cameras were and introducing him to the actual lifeguards. Brian told Sadie it would be at least another thirty minutes before they were needed at the monitor.

And had they been in an air conditioned building or if there had been even a slight breeze in the air, she’d be having the time of her life, sharing pastries with Joe, watching Brian get his cute nose powdered, listening to the boys bicker, all the while never having to linger too far from her boyfriend and his smiles and winks that were just for her. But instead, they were inside the sweltering backroom of a public swimming pool during a New Jersey heat wave, and she was melting to death.

“Brian.”

“Sadie.”

“This is fucking bullshit.”

Brian looked over at her as he took a sip of his iced tea. “Something on your mind, sweetheart?”

“Yes,” Sadie said. “How the hell do you live like this?”

He grinned and offered her a sip. “Like what?”

“This goddamn heat,” she said, forgoing the drink and just pressing the cold glass to her flushed cheek. “I want to gnaw my own arm off.”

“Not a fan of humidity, huh?” he asked as he put an arm around her and pulled her against him.

Sadie let him, and then leaned fully into his touch, despite how hot and sticky she was. Heat wave or no heat wave, she couldn’t get enough of him: his arms, his hands, his smell, his warmth, his body, and everything that being here next to him meant to her. She couldn’t even imagine what she’d be doing right now if she hadn’t jumped in a taxi and gone to the bus depot last night. If Joe hadn’t sent her that picture yesterday, Sadie probably would’ve broken down and called her mother for advice and listened to all the reasons why this city and this man were too much and too broken for her. And who knew, maybe they were -- and maybe she was too much and too broken for them, too. But they loved each other, that much she knew for sure, and seeing the look on his face when she’d walked through the door last night was all the reason she needed to try to stay as long as she could.

“I didn’t even know what humidity was until I came here,” Sadie said. “Back home summers are dry as a bone. I can’t breathe. Look at my hair.”

Brian smiled at her, taking in her frizz ball of a mane, and leaned in closer, lips brushing her ear. “I could make it messier.”

Sadie turned her face to him so that their noses were almost touching. “Stop it,” she whispered.  

“Can’t help myself,” he whispered back. “I can’t wait to get you home.”

Sadie cast a glance around the room to see if any of the jokers or crew members were paying attention to them. They weren’t, so her smile turned wicked. “Better punish Sal fast, then.”

Brian didn’t give a fuck if anyone was watching, but he did keep his voice low. “If you don’t quit working me up, it’ll be your turn next.”

Sadie grinned. “Talk about a challenge.”

“Goddammit,” he laughed. “I’m stupid.”

She laughed back. “Why?”

“Flirting backfired,” he whispered. “Now I have a hard-on.”

Joe breezed by, coffee in hand, back from stepping outside to call home and check in with his family. His eyes lit up upon seeing them, the classic Joe Gatto shit-disturber grin quickly spreading as he took in the sight of the two of them swapping secrets like a couple of teenagers at the back of a classroom. “Hey guys,” he said. “Whatcha whispering about?”

Brian gulped. “Uhhhh--”

“How much I want to die,” Sadie said cheerfully.

When Brian raised his eyes up to Joe, he noticed the rest of the crew was carefully averting their gaze from them while doing terrible jobs of hiding their smirks. “Sadie’s not enjoying the heat wave very much,” he explained, trying to play it cool.

Joe played along to save them some embarrassment, but didn’t buy it for one goddamn second. “Hot enough for you, Sadie?”

Sadie caught Joe’s knowing grin and didn’t shy away from it. Joe had listened to her cry on the phone yesterday; she was far more mortified by that than she was over getting caught making eyes at one of his best friends, who happened to be trying to cover up a boner with his hat. “It’s a little more than I can handle, Joe,” she smiled.

Brian shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, it’s not even noon and it’s 104 degrees already.”

“I’m Canadian, I don’t know what the hell that is,” Sadie said. “Don’t talk to me in Fahrenheit.”

Brian grinned at her. “How about I talk to you in inches?”

Sadie’s jaw dropped and Joe’s arms went up in the air. He pointed at the door, suppressing cackles as the crew let their snickers slip. “No!” Joe laughed, outraged. “Get the fuck out of here!”

Brian held up his hands in protest as if to say _who me?_ while Sadie rested her chin on her hand and watched him flounder with love and amusement in her eyes. “Where are we supposed to go?” he demanded.

“I don’t fucking know, go for a walk or something,” Joe ordered. “It’s too hot in here as it is without you two idiots steaming up the place.”

Brian put out a hand palm-up. “Come on, cutie,” he said. “We’re not wanted here.”

Sadie took it, intertwining her fingers with his. “Okiedokes,” she said, game to follow him anywhere.

“Trailer’s got air conditioning,” one of the crew members muttered to them on their way past, offering a conspiratorial smirk. “Although I think Murr’s sleeping off his hangover in it.”

Brian shot him a finger-gun to say thank you, and then he and Sadie ducked out of the backroom and back into the summer sunshine, where the heat was still unbearable but not quite as stifling.

“God,” Sadie said as they walked hand in hand to the parking lot where the trailer was. “This is painful.”

“I don’t like it either,” Brian said. “Now you see why I keep the house so cold.”

“No, I don’t mean the heat,” she scoffed. “I mean how much I want to fuck you.”

Brian’s laugh rumbled through his chest, but there was nothing vaguely amused about it. He unlaced their fingers, wrapped an arm around her waist, and slipped his hand into her back pocket while he pressed his lips to her temple, whispering _you’re asking for it_ and punctuating it with a sharp squeeze to her ass.

She yelped but angled her hip into him as they walked, giving him her coyest look. “Begging for it, actually,” she said.

Brian’s lungs missed a breath. “You’re right,” he chuckled. “This is painful.”

“Tell me about it,” she said. “What time do you think we’ll be home by?”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” Brian said, tromping up the trailer steps but opening the door and letting her go through first. “Six, maybe?”

“Jesus Christ,” she grumbled, but then burst into a grin as the air conditioning hit her full blast. “Oh my God, we don’t even have to have sex now; I just came. Oh shit, Murr.”

They walked further into the trailer to find Murr sleeping on the couch, hat on his stomach, hands crossed over his chest. Careful not to wake him, they crept past, with Sadie slinking in the direction that Brian was pointing in.

“Murr sleeps like Dracula,” Sadie whispered, their giddy laughter tripping over each other as they slipped into the tiny bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Shhhh,” he snickered, nudging the door shut with his foot while he covered her mouth with his hand. “Gotta be quiet.”

Sadie smiled. She could be quiet. She loved quiet. She loved the idea of someone sleeping not ten feet away on the other side of this door, and she loved the idea that she could wake them up if she gasped a little too loud. She loved the idea of _shouldn’t_ and the brazen feeling of _going to anyway_ because there were few things that got her off like the risk of being caught. Brian scolding her to be quiet just made her want to see how loud she could get him.

“What?” he whispered, his grin coming out breathless and curious.

“Nothing,” she smiled, backing him up against the wall behind him, her hands moving up his chest over his Louisiana Bog Monster t-shirt to scrape over his scruff and hold his face gently. “I’m just happy.”

Brian’s hands roamed up the back of her tank top. “Yeah?”

She nodded, eyelashes fluttering when his fingers slipped underneath her bra. “I like seeing you at work,” she whispered, dragging the zipper down on his shorts in that slow way she knew drove him fucking crazy.

His eyes closed, nose scrunching up as he gasped sharply. “Wish I could bring you with me every day,” he managed to tell her, voice breaking.

“I don’t know about that,” she murmured, tilting her face up to him and letting him come down to her height. She caught his lips with hers, their tongues tangling, and her hands fiddled calmly with the front of his shorts while his heart thundered loud enough for her to hear. “I think I might be a bit distracting.”

“I don’t fucking care,” he whispered, kissing her forehead. “I want you here.”

She centred her pelvis against his, found that he was as hard as she was wet, and whispered, “I’m here.”

Her lips found his neck. She left kisses on his freckles, tongue pressed to his pulse, teeth dragging along his skin, damp with summer sweat. And without breaking contact, she undid the top button of his shorts and slipped her hand under the elastic of his boxers. She nipped his earlobe as she felt him hard and full in her hand. “Is this all for me?”

“Yes,” he breathed, threading his fingers through her hair when she dropped to her knees on the floor at his feet. “Are you seri -- okay, yeah, Jesus Christ, holy fuck.”

Sadie looked up at him, hands open-palmed and running up the lengths of his thighs as she bit her lip and arched an eyebrow. “What do you say?”

He let out the breath he’d been holding and panted, “Please.”

His boxers didn’t make it past his knees before Sadie sank her mouth down on his cock. She took a moment to circle the head with her tongue, revelling in its width like she always did, then licked a slow streak up the length, silent and challenging, all the while keeping her playful eyes locked on his. “Hey,” she smiled, holding his dick in her hand, lips shining and wet and so fucking close.

“You’re killing me, sweetheart,” he whispered, _heart_ smearing in the air as she took him in her mouth as far as she could. Brian let go of her hair and dragged his hand through his own, trembling for a second when he felt her delighted laugh reverberate around his cock.

“Mmhmm?” she smiled, her head beginning a slow bob as her cheeks hollowed and she moved her tongue in waves on the underside. Brian couldn’t help the jagged jerks of his hips as he thrust into her mouth, and she purred her approval, urging him to go harder on her. She took what she could until she choked, but still moved her hands to hold onto the backs of his knees, pulling him in closer and deeper, not looking away from him even when her eyes teared up.

“God,” he groaned, biting down on his knuckle and rolling his hips. There was no sound in the room besides her tongue and her lips and the clock ticking the minutes away and the gasps of breath he managed to steal in between.  

With a slick _pop,_ Sadie suddenly backed off, sitting on her heels and holding his cock in a tight grip while she caught her breath. She looked up at him, mascara smudged, gave three quick pumps with her right hand before lapping up pre-come and devouring him again. 

Brian drummed the back of his head against the wall behind him, the vulgar sounds of her mouth slipping on and off his cock sending him racing to his peak. His chest heaved as he unleashed a hushed string of expletives, filth tumbling off his tongue in whispers he couldn’t keep to himself, losing control the sloppier she got, the slicker he got, the deeper she took him, until he felt himself hit the back of her throat, and then he couldn’t make a single fucking sound.

He stroked her hair and rested a gentle hand on top of her bobbing head and then reached down to hold her, hands on both sides of her face, nearly coming undone when their eyes met. “Touch yourself, honey,” he whispered, fingers gripping the back of her head as his hips rocked upward to greet the rhythm of her mouth. “Yeah, just like that.”

Sadie gagged but didn’t stop, didn’t care if the sound woke Murr up, because Brian was moaning now, and she’d done this to him, after he’d covered her mouth and told her to be quiet mere minutes ago. Winning this round made his cock taste even better, and she raised up higher on her knees so she could cup his balls and send him over the edge in record time. She couldn’t usually get him to come with just her mouth unless she put in at least a good half an hour of work, until her jaw hurt, but she knew he was already barely hanging on right now, and that was enough of a victory to get her throbbing.  

“Holy fuck, you--” Brian gasped, pulling air into his lungs like it hurt, his hand going to his mouth as a tremor wracked his entire body and he went up on his tiptoes as he rode it out. She followed his movements, not giving him a fucking second to fight off the wave of pleasure so he could last a little longer. “Fuck it, I’m gonna -- I’m just--”

“Mmhm,” Sadie hummed, both her hands working his shaft while her tongue worshipped the head. She purred around his dick at the sound of Brian’s guttural cry as he came in her mouth, down her chin, down her neck. Hands still holding him, she swallowed and caught her breath, and then left him with one long languid lick before she smiled up at him. “Ta-da.”

“Okay,” Brian breathed, a hand on his face, shaken and blown away. “You might be a bit of a distraction.”

Sadie grinned, accepting his hand when he reached down to help her up. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You fucking should,” he said, leaning down to kiss her deeply, both of them turned on at the thought of him tasting his salt on her tongue. He pulled back and marvelled at her, her face flushed red and her lips looking abused and her eyes still twinkling with a naughty little light, and all he could think about was returning the favour. “How much time do we have?”

“Not enough,” Sadie said, even though she would’ve done anything to have him return the favour with his face between her legs right now. “We should head back.”

“You’re probably right,” he said. “I’ll get you back when we get home.”

“I’ll hold you to it,” she smiled, and then caught a glimpse of her mascara-smudged reflection in the bathroom mirror. “Oh wow, I look like I just deep-throated someone.”

Brian grinned. “I think you look like a million bucks.”

She laughed and rolled her eyes, putting a hand on his chest and pushing him away. “Might wanna put your dick back in your pants.”

“For now,” he agreed, tucking himself back into his boxers and doing up his shorts with hands that were still a little shaky. He leaned against the counter while she took her inventory in the mirror, and watched her tend to the streaks of makeup raccooning her eyes. He didn’t look any more guiltless than she did, sweat beading on his neck and his hair flattened on his forehead, but he didn’t care. He grabbed some toilet paper and helped her clean up, much gentler now than he had been a few minutes ago, and then kissed her cheek. “Jesus, that was amazing.”

“My pleasure,” Sadie said. “What do we tell Murr if he’s awake?”

“We’ll just tell him he’s dreaming,” he said. “And anyway, if he heard any of that and didn’t do the gentlemanly thing and leave, he’s a pervert, so it’s win-win for -- oh fuck.”

Sadie looked over at him, frozen in the process of putting her hair in a ponytail. “What oh fuck?”

Brian put a hand over his mouth. “Fuuuuck.”

Sadie let her hair fall to her shoulders. _“What?”_

He chuckled meekly, looking at her with utter regret in his eyes. “Oh my God,” he said from behind his hand. “I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry.”

“Stop it,” she laughed back. “What are you talking about?”

More sheepish than she’d ever seen him, he pulled a battery pack out of his back pocket. “My mic’s on.”

Sadie snatched the pack from him and held it to her chest, as if that would help. _“No.”_

He grimaced. “Oops?”

Sadie stared at him for a long, horrified moment, before finally, inexplicably, she burst out laughing. “Oh my God!” she cackled, latching onto his arm. “How many people heard that?”

“Probably just the sound guy,” Brian assured her. “And he might not’ve even had his headphones on.”

“But what if he did?”

“I mean, he probably did,” Brian said, unable to stop his laughter when her eyes widened in mortification. “Even if he took his headphones off, he’d see the lights on the recorder bouncing so he’d probably check to see who left their stupid mic on.”

 _“Recorder?”_ she squeaked. “There’s a _recording_ of that?”

“Well yeah,” he said. “We’re filming a TV show.”

“Goodbye,” she said. “I’m going to the moon.”

Brian laughed and brought her in against his chest. “Looks like you just went down in Joker history in more ways than one.”

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” she grumbled into his shirt, but her arms went around his back and held him tight as an embarrassed and oddly proud snicker took over.  “Oh my God, Brian.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Brian promised. “I should get back, but you can hide out in here today if you want.”

“Yes please,” she laughed. “Even if just for the air conditioning.”

He kissed her, and then they looked at each other and laughed. “Well, bye,” he chuckled with a shamefaced smile as he turned to shuffle away.

“Bye,” Sadie giggled, but before he could reach the door, she grabbed his hand and pulled him back and kissed him again. “I love you,” she told him, and this time, didn't care if the whole world heard her.

 


	18. the thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Virginia for helping me get this chapter off the ground! <3

The honeymoon phase took them through the rest of July.

Lord, did it. As the summer got hotter, so did Brian and Sadie, all sunshine and sex and sweat, and sometimes the long days tricked them into thinking they had all the time in the world. Nights were harder, when one of them fell asleep before the other, because the sun always rose too early, and tomorrow always came too soon, and neither of them knew if they’d be together to keep each other warm in the winter when the days got shorter. Their fight on the fourth of July had scared them badly, and they weren’t brave enough to talk about September and everything after yet.

But for now, they had summer.

For now, Brian would bring her coffee in the garden and call her sugar. Sadie would write down something she loved about him every night and slip it into his wallet every morning (July 13th was his favourite so far, but he kept every one of them). He kissed her forehead in line at the grocery store and she smiled just thinking about him on the subway. Morning was still his favourite time to have sex, and they still found joy in flustering each other in public, but both secretly loved quiet, cozy nights watching movies in bed the best.

There were nights he wasn’t home for, and there were days she lost to writing, but morning, noon, and night, they were in love. After all these years, they understood why people always say summer is magic.

But as July neared its end, Sadie broke in a way Brian wasn’t ready for.

The house was silent when he came home after midnight, mostly dark except for the soft glow of the hall light she always left on for him so he wouldn’t trip over their shoes. It smelled delicious, and he felt like an asshole, because he and Sadie were supposed to have a date tonight, but the guys had had a surprise punishment in store for him and he’d had to cancel on her. Judging by the smell, she’d made dinner anyway, and if he was being perfectly honest, it was times like this that he thought about marrying her.

He was starving, but instead of going to the kitchen, he took the stairs two by two to their bedroom where he hoped to find her fast asleep after the long week she’d had. He just wanted to curl up next to her and fall asleep with her head on his chest, because she’d made him a giant cheeseball, turned him into a fucking housecat, but he didn’t care. He loved coming home to this girl. But when he got there, the bed was empty.

Now feeling even guiltier about canceling on her, he went back downstairs and checked the living room, but she wasn’t on the couch either. His hand went to his phone and his mind went to worst case scenarios -- for the first time in his life not worried his girlfriend was cheating on him, but rather that she was hurt -- and then he walked into the kitchen and found her asleep at the table, laptop open and the screen black, a cup of coffee by her elbow. Jesus, he loved her.

“Sorry,” he whispered when he stepped on a creaky floorboard and woke her up. He crossed the room and bent down to kiss the top of her head. “Go to bed.”

Sadie yawned and stretched, a hand going to the back of her sore neck. “I’m up,” she said unconvincingly. “What time is it?”

“Almost one.”

“You’re just getting home now?”

“Unfortunately,” he said. “Today was brutal.”

“Dinner’s in the fridge,” she said, wiping sleep from her eyes. “You can tell me about it while you eat.”

“Ugh, you’re a fucking angel,” Brian told her. “Go upstairs and get some sleep, sweetheart.”

Sadie halfheartedly pushed her chair back in an attempt to get her ass in gear. “It’s okay, I shouldn’t have fallen asleep,” she said. “I still have work to do.”

Brian frowned. She’d never said it out loud, but skipping that one Friday earlier this month after their fight had put her behind in her class, and she’d been struggling to keep her head above water ever since. He felt bad about it, especially because he also didn’t feel as sorry about it as he knew he should.

“No homework on date nights,” he told her, a hand on her face. “Even if your idiot boyfriend didn’t make it home on time.”

She kissed his wrist, pressing sleepily into his touch. “Idiot,” she muttered, eyes closed and smiling with affection.

“Sorry about that, by the way,” he said.

She shook her head. “No worries.”

But she sounded worried in a way that didn’t sound familiar to him, and Brian didn’t like it. “Tomorrow night, you and me, the date to end all dates. Okay?”

“It’s a date,” she said, her fingers pulling him closer by his belt loops. He leaned down to kiss her, and he closed his eyes with her hands on his face, until she said, “You eat, I’m going to make some coffee.”

He drew back. “Coffee? It’s 1 AM.”

“I need to finish one little thing,” she said, and then sighed. “I just gotta get up my gumption.”

“Gotta get up your gumption,” he chuckled and pulled her to her feet so he could kiss her again. “Gonna be a late one tonight?” he asked, smiling when she just groaned in response. “I’ll stay up with you. I don’t have to be anywhere tomorrow.”

Sadie pulled back from the kiss, and to his shock, had tears in her eyes. “Okay,” she said, and stood up to walk to the fridge, moving like her whole body ached. “I’d like that.”

She was so tired his stomach flipped just looking at her. He couldn’t kick the smile that spread over his face, worried and adoring in equal measure, and reached out a hand to touch her elbow as she pulled the fridge door open. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m just stressed,” Sadie said, and handed him a plate covered in saran wrap. “What was your punishment tonight?”

“Those assholes, don’t even get me started,” he chuckled, kissing her cheek to say thank you before he popped the plate in the microwave. He watched her stand on her tiptoes and reach for the canister of coffee in the cupboard, but stepped in and got it down from her. “Why don’t you let me take care of this and you go sit down?”

“You’re such a good egg,” she smiled over at him. She picked up the coffee pot to fill with water and said, “I’m fine. Tell me about the funniest part of today.”

Brian told her about his punishment while his food warmed up and her coffee brewed, happy whenever he made her laugh. She was his favourite audience. He was about to tell her about this stupid thing Murr did that made Sal fall down laughing, but stopped when she missed her mug and poured half the coffee on the counter.

“Fuck, are you okay?” he asked, launching forward to make sure she hadn’t gotten any on herself. “Did you burn your hand?”

“Motherfucker,” she snapped. “No, I’m fine.”

He laughed with affection and uncertainty as he took the coffee pot from her and unspooled some paper towel to clean up the mess. “Guess that’s a sign it’s too late for coffee, huh?”

To Brian’s horror, Sadie burst into tears.

 _“Sadie,”_ he said, putting an arm around her and studying her in concern as she cried into her hands. “Sweetheart, what the hell is going on?”

“Nothing,” she wept, pulling out of his grip.

That stung. “What the hell?” Brian demanded. “I’m not allowed to touch you?”

“Don’t be mean to me,” she cried.

Baffled laughter crept into his voice. “I’m not being mean to you.”

Her shoulders hitched with tears. “You’re being mean and you’re laughing.”

“I’m not laughing,” Brian promised, putting his hands up in surrender. “I just don’t know what the fuck’s going on here.”

“I’m stressed out,” she sniffled. “I have so much shit to do.”

“Sadie--” He took a deep breath and let it go. He was about to tell her that that was bullshit, that being stressed was one thing and crying over spilled coffee was another thing entirely, that _having shit to do_ wasn’t a good enough answer -- but he cut himself off. By some fucking miracle, Brian Quinn had actually learned from his mistakes in this relationship. Jumping down her throat wasn’t going to accomplish anything but make it worse, and he didn’t know if they would survive another fight like they’d had at the beginning of the month.

He cleared his throat and fought against his instinct to start a fight, pushed down his insecurities and anxieties, swallowed his tale-as-old-as-time tendency to accuse and assume until all his fears were confirmed. If she wanted to talk, she could talk. “Well,” he said with a shrug. “If you need a hand, I’m right here.”

And then suddenly she was hugging him, arms around his middle, cheek against his chest, head tucked under his chin. Brian’s hold on her was firm and non-negotiable; he wasn’t going anywhere and he wasn’t going to back down. When Sadie tried to pull away when she thought she’d taken enough comfort from him, Brian murmured _no_ and held her tighter.

The microwave beeped and broke the spell, and Sadie drew back like her time was up. “Thanks,” she said softly.

“You sure you don’t want to go to bed?” he asked as she slipped out of his arms.

“Yeah, you eat,” she said. “But I’ll come up with you when you’re done.”

“Yeah?”

Sadie nodded, wiping a stray tear away, embarrassed. “I guess I didn’t realize how exhausted I am.”

Brian was still shaken, and still didn’t know what the hell just happened, but he counted that as a victory. He ate at the table while she sat beside him and read through her latest assignment, and by the time he was finished his dinner, she’d put her work away to crack jokes like her old self again, apologizing here and there for her silly little breakdown.

The knot of worry in his stomach didn’t loosen.

It tightened as they got ready for bed, even though she insisted it was nothing. It tightened as she washed her face and braided her hair over her shoulder and left him to finish up in the bathroom, and it tightened as he listened to her talk to the cats in the bedroom as usual. He finished brushing his teeth and flipped the bathroom light off, then unzipped his jeans and threw them in the general direction of the laundry hamper, the worry tightening even though she smirked disapprovingly when he missed the hamper, just like she always did. He went back and picked up his pants to put them in properly, followed by his button-down, and then crawled onto the bed beside her.

Brian’s gaze roamed up her bare legs and over the curve of her hips and across the delicious sight of her braless in one of his old t-shirts, and he bit his lip as he wanted her like he always did. The worried knot slipped undone as his lust swept in.  

And that was when it dawned on him.

“I’m so excited to sleep in tomorrow,” Sadie said, pushing the duvet down with her feet before she leaned back on her pile of pillows. “Wanna go to a greasy spoon for breakfast? I’d kill a man for pancakes right now.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Brian said, sitting beside her but not moving to lay down or cover his legs with the blanket. “Hey.”

Sadie fluffed her pillows for maximum comfiness. “Hey.”

His hand went to his face, a classic giveaway that he was embarrassed. “I’m gonna ask you kind of an awkward question.”

She froze mid-pillow fluff. “Oh boy,” she said. “What is it?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I feel like I should know this but I don’t.”

“Okay,” she said. “Then ask.”

“I was just wondering,” Brian said. “When’s the last time you got your period?”

Sadie unfroze slowly, taking a deep breath as she leaned back against her pillows. She tried to laugh softly. “You’re right, that is kind of an awkward question.”

Brian wasn’t interested in whether or not she found it funny. “You could’ve gotten it while I was on the road, I don’t know,” he said. “The last time I remember was the beginning of June, but that was almost two months ago.”

She lowered her gaze. “That’s because that was the last time.”

“Two months ago,” he repeated, staring at her as he processed that. "So you should've gotten it, what, the first week of July?"

"Yep."

“It's three weeks late," he said. "Is that normal for you?”

“Kind of,” she said. “Sometimes I skip it when I’m stressed out.”

“Okay,” he said, the knot unravelling tentatively. “So crying over coffee and missing your period -- that’s just stress? That’s all this is?”

Finally, she looked up, and the knot became a noose. “Yeah, or I might be pregnant.”

Brian’s heart skipped a beat, ice water rushing through his body. He blinked, his lungs tight and empty, ears ringing, jaw dropping. He stammered, no clue what to even fucking say, until finally all that came out was, “Fuck.”

Sadie grimaced. “My thoughts exactly.”

“But you’re on birth control,” Brian said. “So there’s no way.”

“I mean.” She shrugged, and then when she saw the panic rising in his expression, she shook her head. “See, this is why I haven’t told you yet.”

Brian gawked at her. “Why’s that, exactly?”

“I didn’t want to freak you out until I knew for sure.”

“Didn’t want to freak me out?” he demanded. “I’m fucking freaking out, Sadie.”

“Proving my fucking point, Brian.”

Brian dragged a hand over his face. “Okay, hold on a second,” he muttered, taking a couple of deep breaths. “Of course I’m overreacting like an asshole right now.”

“No you’re not,” Sadie said, hugging her knees to her chest. “I’m three weeks late, I should’ve said something, but I just… I don’t know.”

Brian levelled her with a look. “You just what?”

Her eyes pooled with tears. “I didn’t want you to be mad?” she choked out, trying to laugh it off like she knew it was ridiculous. “Sorry. Shit. Sorry.”

“Are you kidding me? Get over here,” Brian snapped, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her to him. “Don’t be sorry.” He rested his chin on the top of her head. “I’m not mad. I’m not mad about anything. What fucking right would I have? Like I had nothing to do with it? I'm not mad, Sadie. Okay?”

Sadie held on tight. “Okay.”

He drew gentle circles on her back while his thoughts raced. “So you haven’t taken a test yet.”

“No,” she said. “I know I should’ve, I’ve just been scared.”

Brian let out a breathless laugh. “I mean, I’m shitting bricks here, so I get that,” he said. “The Rite Aid down the street’s open 24 hours. I’ll go pick a couple up. We should take two, right? Just to be safe?”

"Yeah," she sighed, resigned. “I’ll come with you.”

“You sure?” He kissed the top of her head, and suddenly felt more protective of her than he ever had. “Maybe you should rest.”

He’d said it to be kind, but it just made her burst into tears all over again. “Sorry,” she wept.

Brian scooped up her legs and draped them over his so he could cradle her in his arms. “We’ll be all right, Sadie,” he chuckled.

“Why are you so calm?” she cried. “How are you not freaking out right now?”

“Because I know we’ll figure it out,” he said. “We always do.”

“No we don’t,” Sadie said. “We ignore things until they go away.”

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “But when it counts, we do what we have to.”

Sadie lifted her head so she could look at him, her face streaked with tears. “And what do we do if this turns out to be something we can’t ignore?”

“We cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.”

Sadie gawked at him. “The fact that you’re not losing your mind is making me want to lose mine.”

“Maybe I’m in shock, I don’t know,” he said, and then smiled helplessly at her. “I’m just fucking crazy in love with you?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Brian laughed. “No,” he said, taking in her splotchy cheeks and the hair coming loose from her braid and the tremble in her hands that got worse every time she wiped new tears away. She was a nervous wreck and he loved every brave and frightened inch of her. “It’s weird because five minutes ago I _was_ losing my mind but now I’m looking at you and I’m not worried at all.”

Tears slowing, Sadie stared at him, eyes roaming over his face, not smiling when he smiled at her. Then she dissolved back into sobs.

“Sadie,” he laughed, bringing her in tight against his chest. “We don’t know anything yet.”

“I know I don’t want kids,” she cried. “I hated kids even when I _was_ a kid.”

“That’s the most remarkably Sadie-ish thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“Goddammit,” she exclaimed, dragging her forearm over her face to wipe away her tears while her shoulders shook with delirious laughter. “You’re driving me crazy.”

“What am I doing wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said. “I just thought you’d be pacing around and tearing your hair out. I thought at the very least you’d be calling Sal.”

“Honestly, if I were to call anyone right now, it would be my mom.”

Sadie looked at him. “Really?” she asked. “What would you say to her?”

“‘Hey Mom, you’re about to have your nerdiest grandkid yet.’”

 _“Brian,_ ” Sadie scolded, smacking him on the shoulder, helpless to her own laughter. “This isn’t funny.”

“Not at all,” he laughed. “But you have to admit, our kid would be the nerdiest kid on the block. Think about it."

“I’ve been thinking non-stop, I assure you.”

“I believe it,” he said. “What have you been thinking?”

“A million things,” she said. She disentangled her limbs from his and sat with her back against the headboard of the bed, their shoulders pressed together. “Would I keep it? Would I tell you if I didn’t? What if I keep it and then I’m too tired to write for the next 18 years, but what if I love it more than I love writing? What if I _don't_ love it more than writing? What if I don’t keep it and I regret it for the rest of my life? What if it’s allergic to cats?”

Brian closed a hand over her knee. No matter how fast his thoughts were racing right now, hers had been racing every day and she’d kept it to herself for fear of upsetting him. It wasn’t his job to tell her not to have any of these thoughts; it was his job to listen to them.

Sadie wasn’t crying anymore, but now that she was talking about all the things that scared her, she couldn’t stop. “I keep thinking about how I smoked a pack of cigarettes after our fight -- if I  _am_ pregnant, what if I hurt the baby?”

He huffed. “C'mon.”

“My mom smoked with me and my brothers and we all have fucking asthma!”

He laughed, surprised. “You have asthma?”

“I do!” she said. “I have the lungs of a kitten!”

“Just when I thought you couldn’t get cuter.”

“Yeah, real cute, poisoning a fetus because I have no coping skills.”

“Jesus, Sadie,” he chuckled. “I think you need to slow down.”

Sadie threw her hands up in defeat. “I don’t want to be a bad mom,” she said. “Maybe that’s why I’ve never wanted to be one; I knew I’d be bad at it.”

Brian looked over at her, melting with affection for this little disaster next to him. He put his arm around her. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh my God,” Sadie said, her hands going to her face. “My mom’s going to kill me.”

He gave her shoulder a squeeze. “She won’t.”

“You’re right,” she snorted. “She’ll kill you.”

He grinned over at her. “That would make for a pretty dark origin story if the kid ends up being a superhero.”

“Wow,” Sadie said. “Even when we’re talking about me being knocked up, you can find a way to bring up superheroes.”

“See, what’d I say?” Brian smiled. “Nerdiest kid ever.”

“With you as their dad, I’d say that’s a safe bet.” She did a double take when he paled. “What?”

“You said dad,” he said, flustered. “That made it too real for a second. Got a little dizzy.”

She covered his hand with hers and stroked it with her thumb. “It’s a lot to think about.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “We should probably find out what we’re dealing with, hey?”

She swallowed hard. “Guess so.”

“I’ll run to the store,” Brian said, and then kissed her. “You stay.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go?” Sadie asked, pressing her forehead to his. “What if someone recognizes you?”

He scoffed. “I don’t care about that,” he said. “Besides, I could use a minute on my own to think.”

She nodded. “I get that,” she said. “Let me know what you come up with.”

“I will.” Brian left her with one more kiss, and then got up off the bed and put his jeans back on. “I’ll be like twenty minutes.”

“I’ll be here, possibly pregnant,” Sadie said, both of them laughing morbidly. Before he left, she called his name. “Hey, by the way.”

Brian turned back at the door. “Yeah?”

“I’m crazy fucking in love with you too, you know.”

He smiled. He did know. That was why his hands only shook a little on his drive to the pharmacy. Why he didn’t feel the need to pull out his phone and call any of his friends and ask what the fuck he was going to do. That was why, when the clerk rang up his purchase and said _good luck_ with a smile, he smiled back and said thank you before he even realized what he was hoping for.


	19. family dinners and family trees, teaching the kids to say thank you and please

“How long do we have to wait?”

Sadie leaned her head against the cupboard behind her, heart fluttering. “The box said three minutes.” 

“That’s it?” Brian asked, sitting across from her with his back up against the bathtub. “Should I leave so you can take it?”

“In a minute,” she said. He had brought home two pregnancy tests from the pharmacy and she’d set them on the bathroom counter, where they currently remained unopened and looming above them as she and Brian sat on the floor across from each other and stalled. “Actually maybe like five minutes.”

Brian smiled weakly at her. “Nervous?”

She laughed. “Oh, just a little.”

He winked, with far more bravado than he felt. “Really? Because you seem cool as a cucumber.”

“I know, I hide it well.” She didn’t bother to hide her red-rimmed eyes, puffy from crying, or the bounce in her knee as she fidgeted anxiously. She’d have to thank him for being clear-eyed and sturdy for her when tonight was over. “How are you doing?”

“That’s to be decided, I think,” Brian replied, and reached out to pull her legs towards him to stop her from jostling. “But on the bright side, we can have ice cream when we’re done here.” 

Sadie managed a smile. “You got ice cream?”

“Yeah, I figured it worked for either scenario,” he said. “Like ‘Sorry I got you pregnant. Here’s some ice cream.’ Or ‘You’re not pregnant! Here’s some ice cream!’”

She wrinkled her nose at him. “You’re a good man, Brian Quinn.”

“Just for you, Sadie Waters,” he said. He stretched his legs out alongside hers, his gaze flicking to the tests sitting above them on the counter. “So what are we hoping for?”

“Negative,” Sadie said, looking at him like he was crazy for asking. “We’re on the same page, right?”

“We’re on the same page,” he assured her. “100%.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “We don’t want a baby.”

“Definitely not.” 

“Glad to hear it.” 

Brian smirked. “We’d have a pretty cute one, though.”

Sadie stared at him. “Okay, Brian, I need you to tell me if even a little bit of you wants this to happen.”

“What are you talking about?” he demanded. “Of course I don’t.” 

“I mean, you say that, but your subtext suggests otherwise.”

“What, because I said we’d have a cute baby?” Brian gestured between the two of them. “We would! I can’t say that?”

“You can say anything you want,” Sadie insisted. “You’ve just got this dreamy little look on your face and I’m asking what  _ you  _ want, not what you think I want to hear.”

“I want what you want,” he said. “No matter what that thing says, it’s your body, it’s your choice.”

“It’s  _ our  _ choice,” Sadie said. “If that thing has a plus sign on it, that’s  _ our  _ plus sign. And I need to know if that’s what you want to see.”

“That’s not what I want to see,” he said. “Look at me -- I’m just getting a grip on how to be a good boyfriend; you think I know the first thing about being somebody’s dad?  _ Your  _ kid’s dad? You’d have the sweetest kid in the entire world and all I’d do is fuck it up.”

“Hey, excuse me,” Sadie snapped. “That’s the man I love you’re talking about. You be nice.”

“Sorry,” Brian said. “I’m just saying. Up until recently, I could barely take care of myself. Now I’ve got you, and I’m trying to do a good job with that, but even that I’m still figuring out. I’m not ready for a plus sign.”

Sadie exhaled. “Neither am I.”

“But I guess what I’m also saying is--” Brian shrugged, almost at a loss for words, until he looked at her and loved her so much. “If you’re pregnant and we keep it, I mean -- it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

Sadie studied him: his dark, earnest eyes, the bottom lip he was chewing on, the slouch in his strong shoulders. “You don’t want kids though,” she said. “We’ve talked about that.”

“No, I don’t, and neither do you,” he said. “That’s part of what makes us end game.”

Sadie smiled. They were end game. They were playing for keeps. They were the crowd going wild. For a moment, tonight didn’t feel so scary. 

“I was just thinking, if you’re pregnant, then maybe you could stay,” Brian said in a bluster. “I know we haven’t talked about the future much since the Fourth of July bullshit but a baby would mean there’d be a future for sure, you know?”

Sadie’s heart somersaulted into her throat. “Brian,” she said, her voice cracking. 

“What?”

She stammered for a second. “I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think it would be that easy.”

“Why not?”

“Well, first of all, there’d be a  _ baby,”  _ she said. “It wouldn’t be like how it is now. It wouldn’t just be the two of us getting drunk and slutty all over the place whenever we wanted. Everything would change.”

“I’m not an idiot, Sadie, I know that.”

“I know you’re not, I’m not trying -- ugh, goddammit.” Sadie pursed her lips as she fended off a new batch of tears. “It would be so much more painful, Brian.”

He stood up and grabbed a box of Kleenex from the counter, then sat back down, this time next to her. He handed her a tissue. “Why would it be more painful?”

Sadie murmured a thanks for the tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “The baby would have citizenship, but I wouldn’t.”

Brian furrowed his brow. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” she said. “I looked it up.”

“You did?”

She looked at him, sad and hurt and guilty all at once -- he looked so surprised that it made her feel terrible for not making it more obvious how much she loved it here with him. “Of course I did,” she said. “I do want to stay, you know that, right?”

Brian thought about it, and then shrugged. “Sure,” he said. “But I think there’s a difference between wanting something and making it happen, and that’s the part I’m worried about.”

He was right. She’d always struggled with that. “This isn’t the way I wanted to do it,” Sadie said.

“Well no, me neither,” he said. “Still worth talking about now that we’re here, though.”

Sadie laid her head on his shoulder. “We can talk all night if you want to.”

“I do want to,” he said. “I did some research, just to kinda see what our options are.”

“When did you do that?”

“When I went to the pharmacy,” he said. “I sat in the parking lot and did some googling.” 

Sadie smiled at that sweet, heartbreaking image. “What did you find out?”

“You could get a green card if your child and your husband are US citizens.”

Sadie let that sentence run over her, the words hitting her like choppy little waves, and then she lifted her head from his shoulder. “My husband?”

He chuckled, eyes rootless, looking up at the ceiling. “That would be me, I hope.”

Sadie drew back so she could get a good look at him. “You want to marry me?”

Brian held her gaze, nervous as hell, but unwavering. “I would.”

Sadie laughed as a tear fell down her face, speechless for a moment. “It’s not the 1950s,” she said, just to give him an easy out. “You don’t have to make an honest woman out of me.”

“It’s not about that,” he said. “It’s about you being family.”

Sadie sat up on her knees, her hands closing around his arm. “Well, holy shit,” she laughed. “But you think marriage is a sham.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not a sham.”

She shook her head in awe, with a grin trembling and bright. “Fuck me,” she said. “Are you serious?”

He shrugged, suddenly so out-of-the-blue bashful. “Yeah, I mean, I’m not proposing to you on a bathroom floor or anything,” he said. “But I’m serious about making it an option if it comes to that.”

She smiled. “One heck of an option.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “We don’t have to decide anything tonight, obviously.”

“It’s certainly on the table,” she said, and let herself think about it. She’d be lying if she said it hadn’t crossed her mind before tonight, although there had never been a baby in the picture. She’d never thought too hard about it, because she wasn’t the type to get her hopes very high, but here they were. Thinking about it. “What if we drive each other crazy?”

Brian smiled at her. “We already drive each other crazy.”

“Okay, yeah, but imagine fighting with me at my most annoying while I’m holding a screaming newborn.”

“Honestly, I already have a headache,” he laughed. “But I’m still not entirely scared off by the idea of it.”

Sadie tilted her head at him with a wondering little smirk. “Since when are you so optimistic?”

“No fucking clue,” he said. “I guess there comes a couple of times in a guy’s life when he needs to be a man, and this is one of mine.”

Sadie arched an eyebrow. “Jesus, that was sexy.”

He arched an eyebrow back. “Careful, it’s looks like that one that got us in this mess.”

“Oops,” she said. She took a deep breath, and then stretched up to grab one of the boxes. She turned it over in her hands, not ready to open it yet, but getting there. “Have you ever done this before?”

Brian shook his head. “Nah, this is a new one for me,” he said. “Have you?”

“Once,” she said. “A couple months after Jack and I first started dating.”

“Shit, you were what, 18?” he asked. “That must’ve been terrifying. How did he react?”

“I never told him.”

Brian looked at her. “You went through this by yourself?”

“No, my best friend was with me,” Sadie said. “We sat on the bathroom counter just staring at it for the full three minutes. She held my hand the whole time.”

Brian turned a little skittish, like he didn’t fully want to know the answer to this question, but he asked it anyway. “What did it say?”

“It was negative,” she said. “Thank God. I shudder to think how my life would’ve turned out if it had been positive. I stayed with that asshole for 13 years  _ without  _ a baby.”

He smirked. “It’s hard to imagine you with a 13-year-old.” 

“Tell me about it,” she laughed. “It would probably be a little hellraiser.”

“I don’t think so,” Brian said. “I bet they’d be more like you.”

“You don’t think I was a little hellraiser?”

He laughed. “Deep down, sure,” he said. “But my money’s on sweetheart.”

Sadie smiled over at him. “I was sweet,” she admitted. “Mostly at my own expense, though. I think if I had a kid, I’d want to teach them how to be kind without being a doormat, like I was.”

“Hey,” he smiled. “That’s the girl I love you’re talking about. Say something nice.”

Sadie tossed her tissue in the wastebasket, even though she was so in love with him she could feel more tears on their way. She tried to think of something nice to say. “I was funny,” she said. “When I was 13, I got bullied by the girls in my class, but I was funny enough to make them feel stupid, so they mostly left me alone after that.”

“Why did they bully you?”

Sadie laughed. “There was nothing else to do.”

“Jesus, girls are vicious,” Brian said. “I remember the popular girls being fucking inhuman to this one girl in my class, always calling her ugly and saying really horrible shit to her. It’s one of the things I remember most about growing up. And it was probably the same thing with you -- she was actually really cool, and they were just jealous of her.”

“I don’t think girls are vicious,” Sadie said. “I think they’re just hurt.”

“Yeah, I guess you’d know better than I would,” Brian said with a shrug. “But still, man. I’d have a hard time letting my daughter go out into the world, knowing how shitty it’s going to be to her.”

Sadie smiled. “But think of how wonderful she’d be to it.”

Brian looked startled for a moment, but then nodded, impressed. “And you think you’d be a bad mom.”

“And you think all you’d do is fuck up,” she countered. They smiled at each other, and then she curled up beside him, her head on his knee. “Did you ever get bullied?”

“Not really,” he said. “I kept to myself and had a good group of friends.” 

She liked that. “What were you like when you were a kid?”

She listened to him tell her stories about growing up on Staten Island in the 80s. What it was like being the middle child, how his older brother used to beat him up all the time, and how that didn't bother him as much as it did to see him get into fights with the other kids in the neighbourhood. How he’d never turned around and beat his little brother up, but it bothered him that he hadn’t protected him as much as he probably could have. Having a son worried him as much as having a daughter. 

He talked about how much comics and superheroes had meant to him, and how Stan Lee and Wes Craven and Kevin Smith had helped raise him. How he hadn’t known how hard he could laugh until he met Sal and Joe and Murray in high school, and how he didn’t know where he’d be if he hadn’t. How he hadn’t realized until just now that he never would’ve met her if it hadn’t been for them. He’d been raised to believe in everything, and now he didn’t believe in much, but sometimes it was hard not to. 

“I owe each of them a lot for different things,” Brian said. “Sal, you know about -- I wouldn’t have made it out of my twenties without him. And we give Murr a hard time, but he’s so fucking important. He’s my complete opposite -- I’m such a lazy bonehead who just waits for things to happen, and Murr’s  _ why  _ they happen. And Joe, he’s a complete lunatic, but he’s always kept an eye on us. Everything he does is always for other people, because that’s just how he was raised, and I wish I was more like that. He’s the kind of dad I’d want to be.”

Sadie listened, loving each of his friends the more he talked about them, and then said, “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

Brian seemed to wince at that, rejecting the idea outright. “For what?”

“Everything,” Sadie said, sitting up so she could look at him. “You were meant to meet them, and thank goodness you did, but you deserve some credit too. Sal didn’t get you out of your twenties;  _ you _ got yourself out of your twenties. And I’m not sure how you think leaving a shitty relationship and becoming a fireman and getting your own TV show qualifies as  _ waiting for things to happen,  _ but I assure you, Brian, you’ve done good.”

Brian chuckled, embarrassed. “Thanks, Sadie.”

“And every single thing you’ve done has been for other people,” she said. “Maybe not in your past relationships, I think you probably phoned it in with those, but you fought for a job where you literally risked your life for others, and now you make people laugh for a living. How many people have told you that you saved them from dark places and inspired them and made them laugh again? Isn’t that what your friends did for you?”

Brian studied his hands for a long moment, and Sadie wanted to hug him and smack him for not being able to listen to kind things about himself, but then he looked up at her with a helpless smile. “I know I said I wouldn’t propose to you on a bathroom floor, but you’re making that very difficult right now.”

Sadie laughed. “That’s what all the boys say.”

Brian laughed back. “They better not.”

She cozied up to him and rested her head on his shoulder, happy when he put an arm around her. “How did your parents meet?”

By now, it was three in the morning, but they talked about their parents for over an hour on that bathroom floor anyway. Brian told her about his dad’s goofy sense of humour and his mom’s take-no-shit attitude colliding in 1970s Brooklyn, and Sadie told him about her parents’ prairie romance, and both of them lit up in ways they didn’t even realize when they talked about the people they came from and loved so much. Sadie looked at Brian and saw the way that telling stories about his mother made his eyes shine, and she couldn’t help it. She let herself imagine a day when their child described how her parents met. 

A park bench in Washington Square Park. A man with a goofy sense of humour and a take-no-shit-attitude. A prairie girl reading a book about love. Six days and some lucky stars. That was their story. It was a good one. 

Brian kissed her forehead. “No matter what it says,” he told her. “You should call your mom in the morning.”

Sadie nodded. “That’s a good idea.”

“She probably misses you.”

“I miss her too.”

He smiled down at her. “I can tell.”

Sadie linked her arm through his and pressed in closer, their bones aching from sitting on the floor for too long, and she decided she’d never feel safer than she did right now. She looked up at him. “Should we do it now?”

Brian tightened his arm around hers. “To tell you the truth,” he whispered, the bridge of his nose pressed against her temple. “I wouldn’t mind staying like this for a little longer.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah, just talking to you,” he said. “I don’t need to know yet. Do you?”

“No, not yet,” Sadie said. “Are you nervous?”

“No,” he chuckled. “I’m just happy.”

Sadie’s hand went to his face. “You’re happy?”

His smile tickled her ear. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I’m happy.”

She turned her head so her smile could meet his. “Me too.”

Eventually they moved to the bedroom for a softer place to talk, which they did until sunrise. First pets, first crushes. First drinks, first hangovers. First kisses, concerts, and funerals. The first stories they’d ever written, and ones they hadn’t written yet. They talked about broken bones and broken hearts and which ones had hurt more, and then they talked about the worst sicknesses they’d ever had and the best comforts they’d ever been given. Their histories gently unraveled until morning, Sadie’s head on his chest, Brian’s arm around her shoulder, and the more firsts they talked about, the more they wanted to be each other’s lasts. 

The morning sun hid behind grey clouds as it rose and raindrops pattered against the window, willing them to stay in bed a little longer. The lighter it got outside, the softer their voices got, the tighter they curled up together, and the more they wanted to hear.  

“First time you ever got in trouble for swearing,” Brian said. 

“I was five,” Sadie laughed. “I was at Sunday School and my teacher asked who was born on Christmas and I said Jesus Fucking Christ.”

Brian had a full-bodied belly laugh, and Sadie was always so proud when she brought it out of him. “Holy shit,” he managed, laughing until he made himself cough. “Did that nun shit herself?”

“She certainly crossed herself,” Sadie said. “I wasn’t allowed to go back.” 

“Well, I take back what I said about you not being a hellraiser.”

“Why thank you,” she smiled, and then yawned. “Yikes. This hellraiser is getting sleepy.”

“So’s this one,” Brian said. “What say we get a couple hours of sleep in before we take the test and then go get you some pancakes?”

“I say sounds like a plan,” Sadie said, and then kissed his cheek before she scooted off the bed. “I have to pee first.”

He sat up as he watched her shuffle sleepily towards the bathroom. “You’re not taking it now, are you?”

“No,” she said. “I need to sleep first, and if it’s positive, I’ll be staring at the ceiling till noon.”

“Good thinking,” Brian said as she closed the bathroom door and left him alone for the first time in hours. He'd been fine all night, peaceful even, but now that he was alone, everything hit him all at once. He sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, overwhelmed and trying not to panic. 

He couldn’t be a dad. They didn’t want this, neither of them did. Fucking Brian Quinn, get married, have a kid? In what universe? Who was he kidding? There wasn’t a chance in hell that he could do this. 

Except for the fact that when it came to Sadie, he’d do anything. 

“Hey.”

At the sound of her voice, Brian looked up. He’d zoned out, too wrapped up in his frantic thoughts to realize she’d finished in the bathroom and was standing in the doorway. He hadn’t meant for her to catch him looking so conflicted. “Hey,” he said gently. 

Sadie leaned against the bathroom door frame, a hand on one hip. “Wanna hear something super fucking funny?”

Brian nodded. “Please.”

“I just got my period.”

Brian blinked at her. “Just now?”

Sadie bit her lip, looking pained. “Well, sometime in the last few hours, yeah.”

"Are you fucking serious?"

"I'm serious."

They stared at each other, sideswept and in shock, until finally, at the exact same time, they both burst out laughing. 

Brian jumped off the bed and grabbed her by the shoulders jubilantly as her hands went to his waist, and they cackled their celebration, dizzy with relief and delirium. “Thank God,” Brian laughed, bringing her in against his chest, where she could hear his heart hammering like a rabbit’s. “I’ve never been so happy to hear the word period in my entire life.”

“God, me neither,” she breathed. 

“So all the crying,” Brian said. “That was because of the -- this?”

“You can say PMS without catching it, Brian,” Sadie laughed. “Yeah, I guess my uterus overheard us talking and it was just like  _ oh fuck I knew I was forgetting something.” _

Brian laughed. “Somehow that’s both gross and adorable.”

“Not as gross and adorable as a goddamn baby,” Sadie chirped, and then high-fived him, both of them dissolving into nervous snickers.

“Jesus, what a fucking relief,” he said. “Can you imagine?”

“Fuck no,” Sadie laughed, shaky from the close call, and then Brian watched her eyes fall to the floor and her laughter soften --  and that was when he realized that  _ can you imagine  _ was the worst thing he could have possibly said to her right now. 

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Sadie pulled her gaze up and smiled at him. “I’m great,” she said, suddenly embarrassed, but he couldn’t tell why. “Thanks for handling that a lot better than I did.”

Brian shook his head. “You did good.”

“I was a mess.”

“You were scared.”

“I was,” Sadie said. “I’m just saying thanks. I needed you.”

“Yeah, of course,” Brian said. “You sure you’re okay?”

She nodded. “Absolutely,” she said. “We should celebrate. Let’s have a no-baby party tonight, just you and me.”

“First we sleep,” he said. “Then we party.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she said, and then reached out to hug him. 

“Yeah,” he whispered into her hair. “Come here, sweetheart.”

Brian wrapped his arms around her and sheltered her against his chest, and they were so exhausted he couldn’t stop himself from giving her some of his weight to hold up, and she gripped his t-shirt and made him hold her up in return. They held each other, both aching from their night of trading histories, but it was more than that. Brian knew the girl he was holding was the girl who’d sworn for the first time at Sunday School and had her first kiss during a game of hide and seek, and Sadie knew she was holding a man who’d had his first time in the backseat of a car and would take a broken arm over a broken heart any day. 

What they didn’t know was if what they’d said about the future was still true. They didn’t know what would happen at the end of this hug, and they sure as hell didn’t know what would happen at the end of this summer. Either way, they didn’t know how to let go. 

“See?” Brian tightened his arms her. “Good thing I got ice cream.”

Sadie laughed into his shoulder until she turned to wipe her nose because she was crying. She tucked her head under his chin and he pinched the bridge of his nose, both of them trying to be a comfort for the other. Tears filled his eyes while she wept. 

Because yes, she could imagine. They both could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song is the perfect companion for this chapter, and if you'd like to cry like I did, here's a link! 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vR32XI3Sr4


	20. lost as can be, then you look at me

Brian didn’t answer anyone’s calls or texts all weekend, and his friends thought maybe they’d gone too far with his punishment on Friday. But he showed up to work on Monday, no grumpier than usual, and so they figured they couldn’t have fucked up that bad (either that, or he had some truly heinous revenge planned in retaliation). 

But all three jokers had known Brian Quinn for nearly 30 years, and they knew when something was off. It took him a beat too long to laugh at their jokes, and he picked at his lunch, and he passed up the opportunity to talk about comic books on more than one occasion. This wasn’t like one of his normal lows -- he just seemed distracted. Not upset, exactly, but bothered. 

“100 episodes,” Sal said, standing between him and Joe as they watched Murr get ready to take his turn at the park. “You coming out on Friday to celebrate?”

Brian put his phone back in his pocket after checking it for the fiftieth time. “Sorry?”

“Friday,” Sal said again. “You coming?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” Brian said. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

Sal and Joe exchanged looks behind his back. Sal gave a little shake of his head to signal  _ don’t push him.  _

Joe caught Sal’s hint with a nod, and then took a sip of his water. “Gonna bring Sadie?” he asked casually. 

Brian crossed his arms over his chest, eyes on the monitor. “Yeah, you bringing Bess?”

“If we can get a sitter,” Joe said. “Everything going good with you two lovebirds?”

Sal watched Brian carefully as he picked his response. “Everything’s great,” Brian said, and for the first time in three decades of friendship, Sal couldn’t tell if he was lying or not. 

But to Brian’s credit, even though he was missing every beat behind the scenes, he pulled it together when the cameras were rolling. Murr’s foolproof plan still made him roll his eyes, and when Sal almost fell over laughing, Brian still held him up, and Joe still made him laugh so hard he had a coughing fit. 

So it wasn’t them. It wasn’t the show. It was something else. 

And it wasn’t until Friday rolled around that he was ready to talk about it. 

“We’ll be right back,” Joe called, snagging a donut from the plate on the table. They were in the office today, but all productivity had ceased an hour ago when Pete McPartland broke out the first bottle of prosecco. Nobody even glanced up as he and Brian slipped out of the room, except for Sal, because usually this was his job, not Joe’s. 

They found an empty boardroom and sat down on the same side of the table with the lights off, Joe with his donut and Brian with his glass of champagne. “What did you want to talk about?” Joe asked, stuffing the donut in his mouth. 

Brian didn’t smile. “It’s been kind of a weird week.”

“Yeah, we could tell,” Joe said once he could talk again. “What’s going on? Something happen with Sadie?”

No use beating around the bush. “Yep.”

“Is that what we’re talking about?”

“If you got a second.”

“I got a couple,” Joe said. “You guys okay? I thought you said she’s coming out tonight.”

“Yeah, no, we’re good, she’s meeting us here when she’s done class,” Brian said, and handed Joe a napkin for the icing sugar on his face.  “I wanted to talk to you before she got here because I thought maybe I’d be less fuckin weird if you knew what’s going on.”

Joe’s eyes went wide. “Is she pregnant?”

Brian nearly spit out his prosecco. “How the fuck did you do that?”

“Process of elimination,” Joe said. “I don’t know what the hell else you’d be all bug-eyed over.”

“Okay, well,” Brian said, chuckling nervously. “She isn’t.”

Joe crossed his arms over his chest, settling in. “But you thought she was?”

Brian nodded.

Joe turned somber, and Brian breathed a sigh of relief. This was why he had singled Joe out to talk to, and not Murr, and especially not Sal. Murr had too much goddamn positive energy, and Sal was an empathy monster -- he would take on every bit of Brian’s worries and fears and turn them into a bundle of tangled nerves no one could unravel. 

Joe, on the other hand, was a husband. He was a father. He was also a lunatic, but when it came time to get serious, Joe could do that better than anyone. Joe had lost a lot over the years, and now he had it all. He’d made it work. Maybe he’d know how Brian could, too. 

“How’d you take it?” Joe asked. 

“Not bad, actually,” Brian said. “You’d think I would’ve freaked out, but I didn’t. Sadie was a little nervous but I was surprisingly kinda okay.”

Joe smiled at him. “That’s not surprising at all, buddy,” he said. “You used to run into burning buildings for a living. You’ve got nerves of steel when you need to.”

Brian shrugged. He’d never seen himself that way. 

“So you had a little scare,” Joe prodded. “And that’s why you’ve been a psycho all week?”

“Yeah, because that’s all it was,” Brian said. “A scare.”

It was hard to shock Joe Gatto, but that did it. “You  _ wanted _ her to be pregnant?”

“No. Kinda? I don’t fucking know.” Brian shook his head. “All’s I know is I want her to stay.”

“You think having a kid would’ve fixed that?” Joe asked. “You both hate kids -- you think saddling her with one of yours would make her less Canadian or something?”

“No, I know that’s stupid,” Brian said. “But it’s got me thinking too fucking much, you know?”

“About what?”

Brian rolled his eyes. “The future.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is when there isn’t one.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Joe said, giving him an elbow to the side. “That’s the kind of shit that drives me nuts. There’s a future, you stupid idiot. With or without her. But you go around moping like this, you’re just gonna scare her away from it.”

“I’m trying not to,” Brian said. “I’m trying to keep my shit together.”

“Great, keep it up,” Joe said. “I don’t get what the problem is here. Her not being pregnant doesn’t change anything. Everything’s exactly the same as it was when you went home on Friday. Why are you freaking out now?”

Brian took a drink. He’d barely gotten a wink of sleep all week with his brain racing through all this shit, and yet somehow now that it was time to talk about it, he didn’t know how to put it into words. “I don’t know.”

“You do,” Joe said. “Just spit it out, buddy. I don’t care how it sounds.”

“I guess -- it was this talk we had,” Brian said finally. “We weren’t ready to take the test yet, so we just stayed up all night talking.”

“About what?”

“Everything,” Brian chuckled. “And I thought I was in love with her before but now I’m a goddamn goner, Joe.”

Joe nodded. “You should be, Q.”

Brian tried to fight down a smile but couldn’t. “The thing is, she does cute shit every day that makes me love her a little more than I did yesterday, so that’s nothing new,” he said. “But this was different.”

Joe was all ears. “How?”

“Sitting there with her, thinking maybe she was pregnant with my kid, I mean --” Brian exhaled heavily. “I probably would’ve killed anyone who looked at her funny. You know what I mean?”

“I know what you mean,” Joe said gently. 

“That night, she was family,” Brian said. “I’ve never felt that way about a woman before. We were sitting on the bathroom floor and I was looking at her and I was just like  _ holy shit, this is my whole world right here.” _

“That’s a pretty big deal, Q.”

“It is, right?” Brian glanced over at Joe. “I’ve felt like I’ve been hungover or something ever since.”

“You’ve been off,” Joe admitted. “You haven’t been yourself.”

It took Brian a minute to put his thoughts together, but when he did, he meant every word. “It’s not that I want to have a kid right now -- or ever, for that matter,” he said. “It’s just that I don’t want to lose Sadie.”

Joe looked at his friend, this big dumb oaf he’d known since they were too young to drive, back when they were just a couple of mama’s boys who had a hard time talking to girls. He knew Brian like the back of his hand, and he knew that this was as sincere and scared shitless as he ever let himself be, and it was important to Joe that he protect this kind-hearted, nerve-wracked version of him.

“None of us do,” Joe told him. “She’s a little miracle worker. Look at you. Seriously, who are you? Talking about kids and feelings and shit?”

Brian laughed and shook his head. “Beats me.”

"It's not a bad look on you," Joe said, his tone treading carefully.  “Although I gotta say, it’s weird thinking about a little BQ running around. Swearing up a storm, bringing home every stray cat in town.”

“Don’t know if you’re describing me or her,” Brian smiled. 

Joe smiled back. “That does sound like both of you,” he chuckled. “You’ve really met your match, huh?” 

“Think so, yeah.”

“You make quite a team,” he said. “All kidding aside, if the two of you joined forces, your kid would give mine a run for their money as the cutest in the world.”

“That’s exactly what I told Sadie,” Brian chuckled, imagining it again just to torture himself. He took a sharp breath and looked over at Joe, then stopped short before he could say more. 

But Joe caught it. “What?”

Brian grimaced. “I told her I’d marry her.”

Joe looked like he was about to flip the table. “Excuse me?”

“So she could get a green card,” Brian said. “And then she could stay.”

“Jesus Christ,” Joe said, completely floored, far more blown away about this news than he was about anything else, because honestly, the only surprising thing about a pregnancy scare was that it hadn’t happened sooner. Brian talking about marriage, however -- he hadn’t seen that coming in a million years. “What the fuck did she say?”

“I didn’t actually propose to her,” Brian said. “I just threw it out as an option. There wasn’t a question for her to answer.”

“Okay, but when you threw it out there, she must’ve said  _ something.” _

“It doesn’t matter, she’s not pregnant.”

“Q, it matters,” Joe insisted. “What are you talking about? Of course it matters.”

Brian shrugged. Bit his lip. Cleared his throat. “I think she would’ve.” 

Joe grinned. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Brian smirked. “She looked happy.”

“I bet she was.”

Brian quickly tucked his little smile away. “But it doesn’t matter,” he said. “It was a false alarm.” 

“Marry her anyway.”

Brian snapped a look at him. “What?”

“Marry her anyway,” Joe repeated. “Ask her the fucking question.”

Brian huffed. “Talk about scaring her away.”

“Why would that scare her away?” Joe asked. “She’s crazy about you and you love her to bits. I don’t see the problem here.”

“You want me to give you a list?”

“I already know your idiot asshole list and I don’t give a fuck about a single thing on it,” Joe said. “You love her so much that having a baby scares you less than losing her does. If you’d had a false alarm with any other girl in the world, the Q I’ve known for 30 years would be getting sloppy drunk and cracking jokes about dodging a bullet and throwing a party to celebrate.”

Brian opened his mouth to protest -- but he couldn’t. It was true. 

“But you’re not relieved -- you’re disappointed.” Joe shrugged. “Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me either way,” Brian said.

“Yeah, I’m telling you to get your head out of your ass,” Joe said. “You’re freaking out because you’ve got four weeks left with her and then what are you going to do? You think you can drive her to the airport and let her go home and do the long distance thing without knowing when you’ll see each other again? After the summer you just had? It’ll kill you.”

“I know it will.”

“So don’t let it,” Joe said. “You don’t have to knock her up, you don’t have to trap her, you don’t have to have strings attached to be happy. Not with this one.”

Brian looked at him, eyes wide and nervous. 

Joe threw an arm around him. “This is Sadie we’re talking about,” he said with a gentle, knowing smile. “Marry her anyway.”

Brian let out a shaky breath. “Can you really imagine me getting married?”

“Historically, no,” Joe said. “Now, yes.”

“Huh.” Brian considered this with a thoughtful look on his face. “Well.”

“Can you?” Joe asked. 

They both startled when they heard a knock on the glass door behind them, and then Joe watched Brian smile when he saw who was on the other side. That smile told Joe everything he needed to know. 

But Brian let his grin graze over Joe for a moment as he stood up and told him, “Yeah, maybe,” and then strode across the room to let Sadie in. “Hey, sweetheart.”

“Hey,” Sadie smiled. “Am I interrupting?”

“No,” Brian huffed and kissed her forehead. “How’d you find us?”

“Christine,” she said. “She told me you guys disappeared down this way for a secret meeting.”

“Super secret,” Brian said, beaming down at her. “We were just talking about how cute you are.”

Sadie laughed, cheeks flushing pink. “Fuck off.”

He grinned back, his hands on her hips. “You’re here early.”

“Couldn’t stay away,” she teased, and then shrugged up at him. “That and class finished at 4. Am I too early?”

“Nah, everyone’s half in the bag already,” Brian told her. “Did you have a good day?”

“I had a wonderful day,” she smiled. “Got some good news.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“I’ll tell you when I’m done chewing on it,” she said. “What about you? Good day?”

He grinned. “It turned out to be pretty fucking great, yeah.”

Joe leaned back in his chair and watched them. Other than his hair being shorter and hers being longer, Brian and Sadie really hadn’t changed much since the day they’d met. If you asked either of them, they wouldn’t be able to tell you what they’d said to each other on that park bench or what they’d talked about on their walk to the dive bar, because it had all been a blur. But Joe remembered that day perfectly. 

He remembered watching them in the monitor and thinking they already knew each other. It was the way they couldn’t stop laughing, like they had already had years of inside jokes between them. It quickly became obvious that they’d never met, but they were getting up and leaving together anyway, and Joe remembered rolling his eyes the longer Brian went without answering his calls and text messages and thinking he couldn’t wait to give him a hard time about hooking up with a mark on a random Monday at work (he also remembered rolling his eyes at Sal, who was worried that this weird cat lady was probably murdering him). 

But then they finally walked into that dive bar on 3rd Avenue, and Joe nearly stopped in his tracks when he saw them. They weren’t touching, but Joe saw the way they looked at each other and he realized: they didn’t have to. They were both guarded by nature, but also both so sweet and enchanted, wrapped up in each other like a couple of starry-eyed wonders who had never seen light like this before. Joe took one look at them and decided to behave himself. He remembered watching them get to know each other, and he remembered that the piece of his heart that just wanted the best for Brian fell in love with Sadie that night too. 

Some people are just meant to look at each other the way these two did, and Joe knew that. He hoped they never looked away. 

They certainly weren’t about to start now, both of them in giddy good moods, with eyes only for each other, and Joe took that as his cue to skedaddle. He pushed back his chair, walked up to them, and kissed Sadie’s cheek. “Hey, honey, good to see you.”

Sadie smiled at him. “You too,” she said. “Got your dancing shoes on tonight?”

“I never take them off,” he said, and clapped Brian on the shoulder on his way out the door. “Come find us when you guys are ready to head over to the club.”

“Will do,” Brian said, giving Joe a curt nod that was heavy with gratitude. “Thanks Joey.”

Joe closed the door behind him, leaving Sadie and Brian alone in the boardroom and full of smiles. “Is the dress I’m wearing okay?” Sadie asked. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be cool enough for New York.”

“Are you kidding me, you’re the most gorgeous thing I’ve seen in this whole city.” Brian’s hands roamed over her body, worshipping every line and curve as he nudged her away from the door so they were out of eyeline of anyone who might wander by. “Although I think I’d like it better on the floor.”

She laughed, her fingers on his chest, not quite pushing him away. “Did you forget you’re at work?”

His hands slid from her waist to her ass and pulled her closer. “No.”

Sadie gave a curious little  _ hmm, _ delightfully startled by his forcefulness, and pressed against him. “Do you care?”

“No.”

She laughed. “What the hell were you and Joe talking about that’s gotten you all worked up like this?” 

“I already told you,” Brian said, taking her face in his hands and kissing her. 

“What, me?” she asked, but then lost her breath when he dragged his hand along her outer thigh and wrapped her leg around his waist. Jesus. Sadie knew every shade of Brian’s moods, and this one happened to be one of her favourites: this was sheer hunger she was well-versed in. Backed up against the wall with his teeth on her neck, she knew exactly what kind of fuck she was in store for -- she’d just never seen it in public before. 

“You,” Brian confirmed, kissing her pulse.

Sadie gasped when he bit down. “That door is made of glass,” she managed, fingers in his hair as she delighted in the sharp pain. 

“Yep,” Brian said, not sure what made him harder: her wince or her smile.

“Just a quick reminder that glass is see-through,” she whispered, then bowed her head against his chest when his hips started to roll. 

“Wanna stop?” he asked. 

“We should,” she managed, bringing her leg down from around his waist. She tried to stand up straight, but her knees were jelly.  

Brian kissed her and slid his hand into her underwear, grinning when it made her curse. “Doesn’t feel like you want to.”

“I don’t,” she panted, unable to stop herself from grinding down on his hand. “But this is too risky even for us.”

His smile was challenging. “Is it?” 

That smile melted her. So did his kiss, rough and delirious with want. “Someone could come in.” 

“Everyone’s down the hall getting drunk,” he said. He grinned as he felt how desperate she was for his fingers in her. “They’re not coming in.”

Sadie left a kiss on his throat and then drew back. “You’re not wearing a fucking mic, are you?”

Brian breathed a laugh, the bridge of his nose pressed against her temple. “No.”

“Joe and Christine know we’re in here,” she said. “What if they come looking for us?”

“Then they can watch me do this,” he said, slipping two fingers in her at first, the heel of his hand pressed hard up against her clit. “God, look at you. That feel good, baby?”

“So good,” she whispered, closing her eyes as his fingers curled in a beckoning motion inside her, and then she cried out when he added one more finger. “Jesus Christ, Brian--”

“No noise,” he told her, a hand on the wall above her head to brace himself as his right arm pumped. “If I fuck you, can you be quiet?”

Sadie smiled. “Try me.”

Brian smiled back before he flipped her around so she was facing the wall. He held her there by the scruff of her neck like she was a naughty kitten, and then she felt his lips on her neck, his hard-on through his jeans against her ass, and his fingertips on her clit. He knew exactly what speed and direction worked to get her off, and he was fucking merciless about it now that she had her cheek pressed against the wall and nothing to hold on to. She couldn’t stop the whimper at the back of her throat. He scraped his teeth along her jaw and whispered, “What was that, Sadie?”

“Nothing,” she panted. “Keep going.”

“Shhh,” Brian hushed her, moving his hand from her neck to cover her mouth as his fingers worked in a frenzy over her clit. She dipped her head back to rest on his shoulder, needing him to hold her up as he brought her closer and closer to her edge. “Yeah?” he whispered in her ear, dropping his hand from her mouth and letting his arm cross her body so he could hold her against his chest. 

“Yeah,” Sadie yelped before she gasped and dug her nails into the arm holding her up. She came like a powerline snapping but his hand followed her movements, still rubbing furiously past the point of her orgasm until she was a trembling mess. 

He grinned when she bit his hand and elbowed him away. “Enough?”

“Too much,” she breathed, but when she turned around, she was smiling, face and chest flushed with exhilaration. She reached for his belt buckle, but he grabbed her wrists and turned her away again so he could undo his jeans himself with her pressed up against the wall.

Sadie was about to beg for it when he shoved her dress up around her waist and pushed her panties down, so rough she could already feel the bruises, and then she moaned as he plunged into her from behind. He gave her no time to adjust before his thrusts began, quick and unforgiving, fingers gripping her hips and keeping her in place so he could pound the exact spot he wanted. 

Thankfully, the risk of getting caught was such a turn on to both of them that they were both careening towards their peaks from the second he started fucking her, so they wouldn’t have to bite their tongues to keep from crying out for long. Sadie was being good about not making any noise other than a choppy little  _ oh-oh-oh  _ when he picked up the pace, snapping his hips as hard and fast as he could. The only sound in the room was the distant laughter down the hall and Brian breathing down her neck, until -- 

“I love you,” he whispered as he came. 

Sadie opened her eyes, riding out his final lazy thrusts as he finished inside her, his words ringing in her ears, spoken raw and weary and sure. “I love you too,” she said, a little startled, not only by how fast and hungry this mood had swept in but by how sweetly it had ended. 

Brian kissed the back of her head and pulled out. He straightened her dress before he tucked himself back in his jeans, then smiled sheepishly when she turned around to look at him. “That’s one way to celebrate 100 episodes.”

Sadie laughed. “One of these days we’re going to get caught.”

He kissed her while buckling his belt. “I hope so.”

Something had shifted; Sadie could feel it. “You’re in a good mood.”

“So are you,” he said. “Must’ve been some news you got.”

She smiled. “Yeah, kinda.”

“You should tell me,” he said. “So we can celebrate that too.”

“Okay,” Sadie said, grinning because she couldn’t help it, and melted when he put his arms around her, unable to stop touching. “One of my instructors wants to give my portfolio to her friend, who’s a showrunner for pretty much the exact kind of show I’d want to write for.”

Brian held her face in his hands, his eyes lighting up. “Sadie, are you serious?”

Sadie laughed, nuzzling into his touch. “Yeah, I mean, it could be nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, are you kidding, it’s huge,” he insisted, and then laughed, “Holy fuck, Sadie,” before he kissed her and wrapped her up in a hug that nearly knocked her back against the wall again. “Sweetheart, this is  _ amazing.” _

“Thanks,” Sadie beamed. “I’m not really one to get my hopes up, but--”

“Well, fuck that, my hopes for you are high enough for the both of us,” Brian said. He released her from the hug so he could look at her. “You’d be able to stay.”

Sadie dropped her gaze. “It’s not in New York.”

“It’s what?”

“It’s not in New York,” she repeated, this time looking at him, wincing when she saw how quickly she could crush him. “I’d be in Toronto, though, which isn’t even that far from here.”

Brian took a step back, doing his best not to deflate in front of her. It wasn’t time for that. “So you’d be going back to Canada.”

“It’s just a portfolio,” she said. “They might not even look at it.”

He shook his head, an arm going around her shoulders again. “They’ll look at it,” he promised her. “And then they’ll be breaking down your door before you know it.”

Sadie looked up at him, locking her wrists behind his back. “I probably should’ve waited to tell you before I knew for sure.”

“No way,” he said. “Then I wouldn’t have been able to root for you.”

“God,” she smiled, so in love with him all she could do was hold him tighter. 

Just as Sadie was wishing they could freeze time and stay in this room forever, the door opened and let the light from the hallway in, as well as a perky voice saying “There you are.”

Brian and Sadie looked over to see a dark-haired girl in her early twenties peeking her head into the room.  _ She  _ knew how to dress for New York, Sadie thought, too busy admiring the girl’s black dress to catch the look she was giving Brian. 

“Hey Brooke,” Brian said, casting a quick glance down at Sadie and himself to make sure they were both fully clothed. “Are people looking for us?”

“Yeah, Murr wants to break out the shots,” Brooke said. “Sal was wondering where you were.”

“Shots at five o’clock, tonight should be fun,” Brian laughed, ushering Sadie towards the door with his hand on the small of her back. “All right, we’re right behind you.”

“You’ll have some catching up to do,” Brooke said. “Sal’s already finished a bottle of prosecco on his own.”

“Shit, I almost forgot,” Brian said, dashing over to the table to grab the glass of champagne he’d left there.

Brooke held the door open for them with one foot while she stepped forward, hand extended. “Hey, you must be Sadie.”

Sadie smiled and shook her hand. “I am.”

“Brooke,” the girl said, her handshake warm and firm. “I’m an intern. Q talks about you all the time.”

“Does he?” Sadie wrinkled her nose up at Brian before looking back at Brooke. “This must be a fun show to intern for.”

“Yeah, it’s just for the summer,” Brooke said. “Looks like we’re both only here for a couple more weeks, huh?”

“Oh,” Sadie said, wondering what Brian had told people about their relationship, how he’d defined it. “I don’t really--”

“I'm actually from New York, though,” Brooke said with a smile and a coy little look aimed at Brian, who had his back to her. “So I’ll still be around.”

Sadie tilted her head, taken aback. “Okay.” She put her hand on the door. “I’ve got this, thanks.”

Brian tossed his champagne down the hatch as he walked up to Sadie’s side and put an arm around her. “All right, party time.”

“Excellent,” Brooke replied, then let her eyes wander over his untucked shirt and Sadie’s crooked dress and gave them a knowing smirk. “It smells like sex in here, by the way.”

Brian guffawed while Sadie glared, both of them hanging back as Brooke walked down the hall to the room where the party was getting started. “Well, that was inappropriate,” Brian chuckled once she was gone, a hand on the back of his neck. 

“Whatever,” Sadie said. “She’s young. She’ll figure out subtlety someday.”

Brian smiled and kissed the side of her head. “Oh, is that your trick?” he asked. “Subtlety?” 

“Yeah, that and I suck a mean dick.”

He laughed, that deep belly-laugh that Sadie loved bringing out of him -- and then faded off into a soft little sigh. Jesus Christ, he loved her. He didn’t know how he was going to survive letting her go.  _ Marry her anyway,  _ he thought, followed closely by the image of Sadie lowering her eyes as she said  _ not in New York.  _

Sadie watched him carefully, wondering and worried. “Are you upset?”

Brian huffed. “No, I’m not upset.”

“Are you sure?”

He shrugged. “I’m a little sad, but I’m happy for you,” he said. “This is what you came back here for, right?”

“Right,” Sadie said, but knew in her heart that that wasn’t true. 


	21. bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark

Sadie was a dive bar girl. All she needed to have a good time was cheap beer, a jukebox, maybe some karaoke if it was a Wednesday night. The New York City club scene was foreign to her, and as soon as she walked into the Green Lady on Bowery for 90s Night, the flashing lights and beautiful bodies made her feel like a fish out of water. 

But she had Brian. 

Historically, Sadie’s anxiety would be through the roof in a situation like this, boxed in by loud music in a dark room surrounded by careless strangers. But Brian kept his arm around her as they sat in a booth with their friends and found out that they loved all the same songs from the 90s, and she felt safe, like she’d come home, like her history was here, with him. Maybe he was drinking a little too fast and sometimes he missed punchlines and didn’t laugh when everyone else did, but his arm stayed around her, and when he leaned in to speak in her ear over the music, he punctuated everything he had to say to her with a kiss on her cheek. She wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

Sadie knew him. She knew he was upset. She sat back while he and his friends laughed and cheersed, and felt like a villain. He should be having fun, but here he was, staring down at his beer, losing himself in thought in between jokes and clinking bottles. Or worse, she’d look at him only to find him already studying her quietly, and she could tell just by looking at him that he had goodbye on his mind, but he was quick to cover it up with a smile for her. It broke her heart, and it was her own fault. 

She’d hung this cloud over him. What an asshole, breaking the news that she really might be leaving after all, on the night that he’s supposed to be celebrating a milestone with his friends. A week ago they were holding pregnancy tests. She’d fucked up. 

So that was why, the more Brian drank, the less Sadie did. He deserved a night to have fun with his friends, and she knew she’d probably have to look after him. Make sure he made it home safely. She wanted to cry just thinking about how lucky she was to be able to do that. 

“I’ll be right back,” Sadie told him, lips on his cheek. “Just gonna run to the bathroom.”

“I’ll be right here,” Brian said, pressing against her while she was still here. The night was young but he was already three sheets to the wind. “Are you all right? Not too many people?”

“I’m great,” she assured him. “You doing okay?” 

He focused his blurry gaze on her. “Yeah,” he said. “Why, am I being a jackass?”

“No, you’re just drunk,” Sadie told him with a smile. “And I’m just checking in.”

“Oh. Thanks.” He squeezed her knee. “Tomorrow’s gonna be a write-off, but I’m good.”

“Sounds like a perfect Saturday to me,” she said. “We can marathon something.”

“As long as it’s in bed,” he told her, kissing the bridge of her nose.

She nuzzled closer, her cheek to his. “All day.”

“What should we watch?”

“I don’t know, I have to pee,” she laughed. “I can’t think about things when I have to pee.”

“Well, then, you’d better go.”

Sadie grinned. “Are you going to move so I can get out?”

Brian grinned back. “That would be too easy.”

“Oh, do I have to go the hard way?” she asked, rolling her eyes with affection when he nodded. She slid onto his lap, but he snaked an arm around her waist like a seatbelt before she could climb over, and she smiled back scoldingly at him. “Now you’re just cheating.”

Brian held her there on his lap, smiling up at her with his puppy dog eyes. How could she ever dream about leaving this lovely thing? He rested his chin on her shoulder and it was all she could do not to put her arms around him and kiss him within an inch of his life. 

Brushing her bare shoulder with a kiss, he held her tighter, too drunk to keep his hands or his heart to himself. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Sadie decided her bladder could hold its horses for a little longer as she draped her arm behind his neck and pressed her forehead to his temple. “I’m glad you’re here too,” she said. “I’m proud of you.”

He drew back to look at her. “Yeah?”

“Of course I am. You work so hard.” She put a hand on his face to keep him close. “You and everyone at this table.”

“Well, I wish everyone at this table would fuck off,” he laughed.

Sadie laughed back. “Why?”

“You’re killing me in that dress.”

Sadie beamed, deliberately shifting her weight on his lap to make him give up a groan he didn’t mean to. “Why thank you,” she chuckled. “What would happen if we were the only ones at this table?”

“Oh, Jesus, I’d have you riding my dick in a heartbeat,” he whispered in her ear, breaking off into a snicker when she giggled. “It’s dark enough in here.”

“It’s not,” she laughed.

“No one would ever know.”

“They would,” Sadie smiled, her forehead against his. “But I still want to know what happens next.”

“I wouldn’t let you get off my lap until we both finished.”

Sadie pretended to be scandalized. “Even if someone came back to the table?” 

He huffed. “Especially if.” 

All she could do was kiss him, perched on his lap like it was prom night and he was her homecoming king. For once, she didn’t feel like a wallflower. She pulled back and laughed when Sal threw an ice cube at them from across the table. “Okay, okay,” she said, tossing it back. “I’m going.”

“Stay,” Brian whispered, not letting go. 

“I need to get out of here before this becomes something you need to take care of,” Sadie told Brian, drifting a discreet hand over the growing bulge in his jeans as she slid off his lap and out of the booth. She kissed him, stroking his chin with her thumb before she told him to save her spot. “I’ll be right back,” she promised, walked two steps, and then stopped. “Which way’s the bathroom?”

“I’ll show you,” Sal offered, joining her side. “This way, ya pervert.”

She laughed and followed him. They were on the top level of the club, overlooking the dance floor, and Sal led her down the stairs, a hand hovering near her back as they squeezed through the crowd. He was one of the most neurotic people she’d come to know, but he moved like a New Yorker and an older brother, and she felt protected beside him. She was happy that this man was who Brian had grown up with. Even if she couldn’t stay, at least she’d know he was in good hands, and that was why when Sal looked over to make sure she was still following him, she was blinking back tears. 

Luckily, Sal was too drunk to notice. He was a happy drunk, here to have a good time and profess his love to everyone around him. “You’re handsier than usual tonight.”

Sadie laughed. “I beg your pardon.”

“With Q,” he said, taking her by the shoulders and sidestepping her out of the way when a dancing body flailed across their path. “You can’t keep your hands off him.”

“Oh,” she said, glad it was dark so he couldn’t see her blush. “I mean. Can you blame me?”

“Oh, I’m aware he’s a catch,” Sal laughed, releasing his grip on her but sticking close. “Usually you keep the PDAs to a minimum, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Sorry,” she said. “I’ll see what I can do about dialing it down.”

“I don’t care if you blow him on top of every table in here,” he scoffed. “I’m relieved, to be honest.”

“Now who’s the pervert?”

“Shut up,” he laughed. “I just mean he’s been weird all week.”

Sadie looked over at him. “He has?”

“Yeah, I was worried,” Sal said with a shrug as they stood outside the bathrooms. “But I feel better seeing you with him. I think he’s just been weird because he’s been happy.”

That hit Sadie like a punch in the stomach, but she smiled at him anyway. “I hope so,” she managed, and then tried unsuccessfully to laugh it off. “Goddammit, that makes me want to cry.” 

“That’s what makes you one of the good ones, Sadie,” he told her. “I’m gonna get a drink after, you want me to grab you anything?”

“No thanks, I’m taking it easy tonight,” Sadie said, a lump in her throat. “Come find me after, I’ve got hand sanitizer in my bag.”

Sal grinned and gave her a playful elbow before he headed into the men’s room. “You’re the best,” he said. “You don’t happen to have a sister, do you?”

“Just brothers,” she replied. 

“Any of them single?”

Sadie laughed and squeezed his wrist before she disappeared in the ladies’ room. There, she found an empty stall and sat, head in her hands, chest aching, taking deep breaths to fend off guilt and a good weep. 

This was what she came here for, she tried to remind herself. 

No, this wasn’t just what she came here for -- this was what she’d dreamed about her entire life. Only in her wildest dreams had she imagined someone would ever ask for her writing. She’d spent three decades in a town that convinced her she was beige so she’d blend in, and 13 years with a man who wouldn’t read a word she’d dared to write anyway, and now here she was, running wild in the city from all the movies and books that had taught her to love stories, finally being given the chance she’d always wanted.

And all she could feel was dread.

She dabbed her nose with toilet paper before she finally got the nerve to leave the stall, only to find that Brooke the perky summer intern was in front of the mirrors, touching up her lipstick. 

Sadie faltered for a step, wondering if Brooke had been here the entire time, and she was embarrassed over how long she’d taken and how bloodshot her eyes were from trying not to cry. She didn’t have it in her right now to lie about why she was so close to tears, and hoped Brooke minded her business. 

“Hey,” Brooke said, her eyes following Sadie like she’d been expecting her to come out of that stall. “Rough night?”

Sadie shook her head, turning on the sink and washing her hands. “No,” she said. “I’m having a good night.”

“Sure looked like it back at the table,” Brooke said, her eyes back on the cupid’s bow lips she was applying bright red to. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

Sadie looked up at Brooke’s reflection. “Hmm?”

“Seeing Q act so smitten, I mean,” Brooke continued. “It’s not the same guy I see at work.”

Sadie arched a brow. “Act? He’s not acting.” 

“Yeah, no, of course not,” Brooke laughed. “I’m just used to Q being a flirt so it’s kinda crazy to see him any other way.”

Sadie smiled and flicked water back into the sink as she turned the taps off. “Do you want me to know that my boyfriend flirts with you, Brooke?”

“What? No.” Brooke painted an innocent, amused look on her face. “Some guys are just like that, you know? I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s great news,” Sadie told her, ripping off some paper towel to dry her hands off with. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“My pleasure.” Brooke tucked her lipstick back in her clutch and took out powder. She didn’t take her eyes off the mirror as Sadie passed behind her on her way to leave, but then she asked, “So what are you guys going to do when the summer’s over?”

Sadie stopped walking. “We haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Think you’d want to stay in New York?”

“I’d like to.”

“Yeah?” Brooke touched up the glow of her sharp cheekbones. “Time’s kinda running out, isn’t it?”

“Sorry?”

“If you’re waiting for him to ask you, you’re cutting it short,” Brooke said. “September’s three weeks away.”

Sadie studied her. It wasn’t like this was the first time a girl had been a bitch to her in the girls’ room. She’d done her time in high school -- maybe not as recently as Brooke had, but the sting of queen bees was still fresh and familiar for her, and she still had vivid memories of folding up and taking it and limping off to lick her wounds in private later. Looking at Brooke now, she still remembered the way hearing mean things from someone more beautiful felt like a cut so deep it just had to be true, like they could see what was wrong with you better than everyone else could -- especially the ones that love you. 

But that shit didn’t work on Sadie anymore, because the one who loved her made her feel like there was no one more beautiful, and that was the real fucking truth. 

Sadie made sure Brooke was looking her in the eye before she spoke. “He asked me.”

A twitch of surprise flashed over Brooke’s face, but she moved past it with a chuckle. “What, and you said  _ maybe?”  _

Sadie shrugged. 

Brooke rolled her eyes. “Do you know how many girls would kill to be in your shoes? And all he gets is a fucking maybe?”

“It’s not that easy,” Sadie said, not sure why she was letting this girl lure her into a back-and-forth. “I’m not American.”

“So?”

“So to stay here I need to find work in my field.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Brooke said. “Q said you’re a writer.”

Sadie liked that he spoke of her in her proudest definition. She nodded.  

Brooke snapped her powder case shut and slipped it back in her clutch. “It’s funny he wouldn’t just get you a job on the writing staff.”

Sadie was so startled by the dig she nearly laughed, but instead offered a smile of surrender and touched her arm gently. “Have a good night, Brooke.”

Sadie left the bathroom and fought her way through the crowd, biting her tongue to keep from spouting off at a guy twice her size when he knocked her into a table and didn’t even notice. She already knew clubs weren’t her scene, and her anxiety was ramping up, alarms going off in her head to tell her that maybe New York wasn’t either, not with its mean girls and people who didn’t look twice at you when they hurt you. 

Until she got back to her table, and Brian smiled at her. Sadie smiled back, and there was nothing  _ maybe  _ about it. Every beat of her heart pounded out  _ I do, I do, I do. _

The others at the table barely noticed her return -- Bessy Gatto was talking to Pete McPartland and his wife, swapping stories about their kids, while Joe cackled at Murr, who was furiously typing away on his phone -- but Brian stood up to greet her, a little unsteady on his feet, with relief all over his face. 

He let her slide into the booth and then sat back down and leaned heavily against her, like a puppy who’s been waiting all day for his person to return. He was drunker than he had been when she left. “Hey, you,” he said, his words thick with whiskey. “You came back.”

“Of course I came back,” she laughed, locking eyes with him as she smoothed back his messy hair. “I just went to the bathroom.”

Brian pursed his lips together, looking like he either wanted to say something or to cry. 

Sadie smiled softly, laying a hand on his cheek. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“You were gone for a long time,” he said, so sad.

Sadie melted, kissing his forehead. “It was only a few minutes,” she said, and then realized her trip to the bathroom wasn’t the absence he was sad about. “Do you mean just now? Or when I went home?”

“Fuck, don’t listen to me,” he said, blinking out of it. “I’m drunk, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Sadie said, giving his knee a squeeze before she reached for the pitcher of water in the middle of the table and refilled her glass to give to him. “How about some water, hey?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Brian said, taking the glass from her. “There you go, calling me honey.”

Sadie put a gentle finger on the bottom of his water glass to keep it tipped up so he’d drink more. “Guess so.”

“You only call me pet names when you’re worried,” he said. “Are you worried?”

She shook her head. “Only for a second,” she said. “You’re having fun?”

He nodded. “These are my best friends.” 

“I know,” she said. “You’ve got good taste.”

“You’re one of them.”

“One of what?” she asked. 

“My best friends.”

“Oh stop,” she laughed. “Don’t make me kiss your drunk face in front of all your friends.”

“I wouldn’t stop you,” he laughed back, swinging an arm around her, and then huffed at Murr. “Is he still fucking on this?”

“Yep,” Joe cackled.

Brian rolled his eyes at Sadie. “You didn’t miss much while you were gone.”

“Hey, dick for brains,” Joe said to Murr. “Give it up.” 

“No way,” Murr grumbled, not looking up from his phone. “I’m fucking  _ right.” _

Sadie smiled while Joe and Brian ribbed Murr and he ignored them. “What are you right about?”

“Not a goddamn thing,” Brian scoffed. 

Joe looked at Sadie because Murr was too busy googling to answer her. “Murr thinks Courtney Cox dated the guy from Hootie and the Blowfish.”

“Oh,” Sadie said. “She didn’t.”

Brian and Joe erupted with victory while Murr scowled and continued googling. 

“Just an observation, but that’s an odd thing to google at a club when it’s not 1995,” Sadie said. “How did this come up?”

“‘I Only Wanna Be With You’ came on!” Murr exclaimed. “It’s about Courtney Cox!”

“It’s not,” Brian said. 

“He’s honestly so stupid,” Joe told Sadie. “But a confused Murr is a quiet Murr.”

“Stop,” Murr laughed, scrolling frantically through google results. “I’ll show you.”

“Courtney Cox dated the guy from Counting Crows,” Sadie told Murr. “I think you’re confusing their dreadlocks.”

“I’m telling you, they dated,” Murr insisted, scrolling through Wikipedia. “I think they were even engaged for awhile.”

Sadie looked at Brian and laughed. “I finally understand why you guys give him a hard time.”

Brian smiled back at her. “Welcome to the club.”

“Speaking of giving Murr a hard time, where the hell is Sal?” Joe asked. “Bess and I gotta take off.”

“He was going to get a drink the last time I saw him,” Sadie said. 

They scanned the lower level of the club while Murr continued to google, and spotted him easily, laughing at the bar with Casey Jost, their friendship a spectacle. They watched Sal and Casey link arms like they were a married couple drinking champagne as they tossed shots back and fell over each other in laughter. 

“Okay, well, since Sal’s off the rails and Murr’s balls deep in Darius Rucker’s Wikipedia,” Joe said to Brian, “you wanna walk me out?”

Brian glanced at Sadie, drunky and clingy. “Well--”

“Go nuts,” Sadie told him. “I want to be here when Murr finds out he’s wrong.”

“Okay,” Brian said, then leaned over and kissed her cheek before he stood up. “Don’t go anywhere.”

The Gattos said goodnight to the McPartlands as they slid out of the booth on their side, then came over to give Sadie a hug. “Take care of this guy, will you?” Joe asked. 

“Yep,” she told him. 

Joe looked at the glass of water Sadie had poured, and then ruffled her hair before he led Bessy and Brian away from the table. 

“We’re gonna need a wheelbarrow to cart Sal home in tonight,” Brian said as they walked down the stairs and got a bird’s eye view of Sal doing another shot with Casey. 

“Make sure you take it easy so Sadie doesn’t have to do the same for you,” Joe told him, a hand on his shoulder. “Got it?”

Brian scoffed. “Dude, I’m fine.”

“You’re more than fine,” Joe laughed. “We were placing bets on how long it would take before you two snuck off together.”

“Looks like we should’ve been placing bets on you and Bess instead,” Brian teased, because he didn’t want to talk about Sadie with Joe right now. He’d shown his cards to Joe this afternoon in a way that embarrassed him now that he was drunk. He’d gone all in instead of folding, and he wasn’t ready to tell Joe yet, especially when he was leaving early, hand in hand with his wife, heading home to their children. 

A life Brian would likely never have.

“Just don’t get so drunk you fucking propose to her tonight,” Joe said, and then laughed. “Something I never thought I’d say.”

“Q’s proposing to Sadie?” Bessy asked, eyes lighting up with delight as she whirled to grin at Brian. “You’re proposing?”

“Not when he’s drunk as a skunk, he’s not,” Joe said. “If you need help sorting out rings and all that out, we’ll all give you a hand, okay, buddy?”

Brian nodded. “Thanks, Joey.”

“You deserve it,” Joe told him. “You know that, right?”

“Sure,” Brian said, smiling as best he could.

“Good,” Joe said, and then cracked up. “Just don’t let Sal do the best man speech.”

Brian laughed back and didn’t tell him that that was exactly what he would have done if he ever got married. He hugged them goodbye at the front door, biting his tongue to keep from spilling his guts, and then watched them leave. Joe took his jacket off and hung it over Bessy’s shoulder as she hailed a taxi, and Brian turned away, unable to watch anymore. 

Because he couldn’t marry her. 

It didn’t matter how many times he’d laid awake, wondering if he’d met the one who was going to change his mind. Change his life. It didn’t matter that he’d been thinking about it since the first week they’d met. It didn’t matter that when she first came back, he’d stood in the shower and muttered  _ Sadie Quinn  _ into the spray, just to hear it out loud. It didn’t matter that he’d always thought the only question left between them at the end of this summer would be  _ will you marry me?  _

It didn’t matter because he would never ask her to choose between him and her dreams. It didn’t matter. He couldn’t do that to her. He didn’t want to know the answer. 

It was time to fold. 

He was about to go back upstairs and get her, ask her if she wanted to get out of here. It was just after midnight and the party was still in full swing, but Brian wanted to start making the most of the time they had left. But before he could make his way through the crowd, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and he took it out to read a text message from Sal. 

_ SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS _

Brian smirked. Fuck it. This night was supposed to be about the four of them, not about him being a sad piece of shit over another relationship going south. He’d go do a shot or two with Sal, and when he went back to Sadie, he’d be in a better mood. 

Shouldering his way drunkenly through the crowd, he cast a look up at the top level of the club, where Sadie sat with Murr, the two of them deep in conversation. As soon as he saw her smile, he continued on, satisfied that she was okay on her own for a little longer, and headed for the bar. He snuck up on Sal and scared him, and then nearly lost his footing when Sal retaliated with a drunken bear hug to end all drunken bear hugs. 

_ “Now  _ it’s a party!” Sal crowed, rubbing his hands together in excitement. “Buckle up, we’ve got a round of tequila shots coming our way.”

Brian felt more than a little self-destructive. “Bring em on,” he slurred, his eyes going wide when the waitress lined up six shots in front of them on the bar. “Dude, we’re in our 40s.”

“So?”

“So are you trying to kill us?”

“What, suddenly Brian Quinn can’t do two shots of tequila?”

“He definitely can’t do three,” Brian scoffed. “I see six.”

A hand snaked around his waist. “Don’t worry,” a voice said in his ear, one he didn’t recognize until he turned his head and saw Brooke, their summer intern. “Two are for me.”

“Yeah, if you die, you can blame Brooke,” Sal said, picking up a shot. “She was the one who told me to text you.”

Brian looked at her. “Why?”

“To celebrate,” she giggled, handing him a shot before she picked up one of her own and raised an eyebrow at her to match her crooked smile. “Cheers, darling.”


	22. nothing fucks with my baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I would celebrate Q's birthday by returning with a new chapter! Only a few more to go after this one, so please get your kudos and comments in! :)

“So you’re trying to tell me I’ve thought Hootie and the Blowfish and the Counting Crows have been the same band for the last 25 years?”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“That’s incredible,” Murr said, astonished and delighted. “I wonder what other accidental mashups I’ve got going on in my brain.”

Sadie smiled. Yes, she understood why his friends gave him such a hard time, but she could also see why they loved him so much. “If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll tell you a secret,” she said. 

“Cross my heart,” Murr said. 

“I thought Dwayne Johnson and The Rock were two different people for years,” Sadie said. “I refused to admit they even looked alike.”

Murr grinned over at her. He understood why Brian loved her so much, too. “That does make me feel better, thank you,” he laughed. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Phewf,” she said, her fingers toying with the label on a bottle of beer that Brian had long-since finished. It had only been a couple of minutes since he’d left to walk Joe and Bessy out, but she already missed him in a way that was hard to swallow. The McPartlands had gotten up and moved on to mingle, leaving Murr and Sadie alone at the table, two writers content to sit back and observe while the action unfolded around them. “Can I tell you another one?”

Murr looked at her with a little twitch of his neck, not used to being the one people confided in. “Of course.”

“I think I really fucked up today.”

“You?” Murr’s brow furrowed. “How?”

Sadie told him about her instructor giving her portfolio to the showrunner in Toronto, but from the guilt in her voice and the slump of her shoulders, you’d think she was telling Murr she’d cheated on Brian. She didn’t want to feel like this, but she couldn’t help it. Something was off, and she thought maybe it was her heart already breaking. 

“He said he was happy for me, but I’ve never seen him drink so much so fast,” Sadie told him. “And I feel like such a bitch because tonight was supposed to be about him, not about me or about this selfish thing I’m about to do.”

“Hey,” Murr said, placing a brotherly hand on her knee and giving her a shake. “First of all, if no one’s said it yet, congratulations. That’s fantastic.”

“Thanks,” she said sadly. 

“Second of all, Q getting shitfaced isn’t new. Look at him -- he’s still celebrating.” They both took a second to find him in the crowd, and when they did, they saw him sneaking up on Sal at the bar and scaring him, the two of them cackling like a couple of idiots. “He usually tones it down around you but tonight he’s letting loose. Is that because he’s celebrating 100 episodes, or because he’s bummed about you maybe getting a job that might take you away from him? You’ll probably find out later, but for now, he’s with people who love him, so you have nothing to worry about, okay?”

“Nothing to worry about,” she repeated with a chuckle. “This is me you’re talking to.”

“Are you a worrier?” Murr asked. 

“Yes,” she laughed. 

“That probably makes you a good writer,” he said. “You think about things from every angle.”

“To put it mildly, yeah.”

“From one writer to another, you owe it to yourself not to leave any stones unturned,” Murr told her. “You came a long way for this workshop. No matter what you do with this this next, you earned this opportunity and you should check it out. You deserve it, and so does the person you were before you met Q.”

Sadie watched Brian pull out of Sal’s drunken bear hug downstairs at the bar, loving him to death for the way he let Sal adore him for all to see. She took her eyes off of Brian with some effort and looked over at Murr. “Then why does it feel so fucking awful?”

“Well, here’s the thing, Sadie,” Murr said, drunk and raspy-voiced as he launched into his excitable storyteller mode. “The horrible, wonderful thing.”

Sadie braced herself.

“Your truest love has always been writing,” he said. “Is that fair to say?”

“Yes.”

“It’s the one that that’s never let you down, the one loyalty you have towards yourself,” he said. “The idea of anything getting between you and writing is absurd to you, almost toxic, right?”

She nodded. 

“Well, that’s the terrible thing,” Murr told her. “How is anyone supposed to measure up against that kind of love?”

Her mouth opened, but her protest wasn’t necessary. 

“Here’s the flip side: I think you’ve found the thing you love as much as you love writing,” Murr said, and then smiled at her. “But I bet you already knew that.”

At that, goosebumps spread across her skin, and she held up an arm to show him. “I guess I did.”

He tilted his head at her happily. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“It’s wonderful,” she said, still sounding sad. 

“I can’t tell you what to do, Sadie,” Murr said. “Look at me, 42 years old and I’ve never been in love because I’m too myopic about my goals and dreams. I’m happy with how it all turned out -- my dreams all came true! They’re a lot like yours, and if you look at me and think you’d be happy with what I do and don’t have 10 years from now, then I bet you dollars to donuts you’re gonna be golden. I’d root for you every step of the way, Q or no Q.”

Sadie tried to picture it: leaving Brian behind to pursue her dreams, but staying in touch with his friends. It would never happen. If she gave him up, she gave them all up. 

“But you know as well as I do there’s no one out there like him for you,” he said. “We’ve been saying that to him this whole time, but the same goes for you. He’s a lucky catch.”

She nodded, a squeeze in her throat. “I know.”

“And I don’t doubt for a second that 10 years from now, if all you have are dreams that came true, you’ll be happy,” Murr said. “But there are different stones you deserve to unturn. There are different kinds of truest loves. Going after one doesn’t have to mean turning your back on the other. And loving the new one doesn’t mean you love the first one less.”

All Sadie could do was exhale a shaky laugh, out of breath and sucker-punched. “Well, goddamn,” she chuckled. “Good thing I’m not drunk, otherwise I’d be crying right now.”

Murr laughed. “And then Q would be mad at me.”

Sadie grinned. She could see it well -- Brian would take one look at her, one hand curling behind her neck, fingers in her hair, and he’d pull her against his chest while his other hand smacked Murr’s shoulder with a good-natured  _ I leave you alone with her for five minutes and she’s already crying?  _ Her throat squeezed again. 

“Thanks, Murr, really,” she said. “I’ll have your back in the next 90s pop culture dispute you find yourself in.”

“Unless it’s about The Rock,” he said. “Because then you’ll get confused.”

She laughed. “Thanks for understanding.” Her laugh caught in her chest, still a little breathless over all the terrible, wonderful things fluttering in her heart. “About everything, I mean.”

He shrugged his nonchalance, and then knocked his shoulder against hers. “For what it’s worth, I hope you stay.”

For a moment, it didn’t matter that she was sober as tears threatened to well up in her eyes. “Me too,” she managed, wrinkling her nose as she stamped down the swell of emotion, and then said, “By the way, I keep meaning to tell you I loved your book.”

Delight flashed across his face. “You read it?”

“Couldn’t put it down,” she said. 

“Well, hey,” Murr said with a grin. “If you stay, I’ll give you a sneak peek of the sequel.”

“I’ll be sure to take you up on that,” Sadie said, hoping her own little story would get a sequel of its own. 

“I’m pretty excited about it,” Murr said, and then his eye caught on Sal and Brian downstairs at the bar and he did a scandalized double-take. “They’re doing shots without me!”

“They’re doing shots?” Sadie leaned past Murr so she could get a better view of Sal and Brian hovering over a row of shot glasses. “Those dumb bastards. If that’s tequila, his hangover’s gonna be off the charts.”

Murr chuckled. “If that’s tequila, good fucking luck tomorrow.”

Sadie smiled fondly as she watched Brian gawk in horror at the shots laid out before him. Truthfully, she loved hungover Brian, just like she loved him when he cut his finger cutting carrots or had a summer cold or ate too much dinner. He was his cuddliest when he wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t mind taking care of him -- he didn’t make her do it often. 

“He’ll probably want pizza on the way home, so you won’t hear me complaining,” Sadie said, but trailed off as she spotted Brooke sidling up to her boyfriend, running her hand across his back as she stood too close to him. 

Brooke was all smiles and charm, and even from this far away, Sadie could see right through her. Sadie wanted to march downstairs and barrel through the crowd and slap the smug smile off her face and tell her to grow the fuck up. She wanted to make a scene that this waspy city girl wouldn’t know what to do with and then go home with the man that bitch wouldn’t know what to do with either. Watching Brooke with Brian made Sadie want to get ugly. 

But instead, she bit her lip and let her knee bounce with jitters under the table. She didn’t trust Brooke, but she didn’t want to do anything stupid. Jealousy was what had caused their huge fight earlier this summer, and they’d almost broken up over it. Sadie was afraid of history repeating itself. 

That didn’t mean she wasn’t fucking seething.  

“So,” Sadie said, trying to sound casual. “What do you think of Brooke?”

“The intern?” Murr shrugged. “She’s friendly. She’s always in a good mood, which is nice to have around when things get stressful around set.”

“How friendly is friendly?”

Murr looked at Sadie, taken aback by her sudden shift of tone. “Not too friendly, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“That’s what I’m asking.”

“She’s flirty,” Murr admitted. “But we’re pretty strict about not shitting where we eat.”

Sadie frowned. “That’s the grossest metaphor for not sleeping with your staff I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, I don't know any other ones,” Murr said, undeterred. “Anyway, Q, I mean, he’s so off the market, everybody knows it. Brooke included.”

Sadie squared her jaw, eyes on Brooke, who was clinking her shot glass with Brian’s. “She knows I might be leaving in September.”

“You think she’s waiting to pounce?”

“Just wondering.”

“No way,” Murr told her. “You have nothing to worry about.”

That was the second time he’d said that to her in the last five minutes, but this time it didn’t work even a little bit. “Okay,” Sadie said anyway, unconvinced as she looked down at the trio of Brooke, Brian, and Sal all lined up at the bar, hovering over their row of shots. Judging by the limes in their hands, they were tequila after all, which made Sadie glad she’d opted not to drink tonight -- tequila had never been a friend to Brian. 

But Sal was. Sadie smiled as she watched Brian lean into him, both men too drunk and with too much history between them to give a fuck about boundaries, and Sadie noticed with a little puff of pride that every time Brooke moved closer to Brian, he shifted closer to Sal. 

“So you writing anything right now?” Murr asked, his cheerful voice trying to pull Sadie out of her paranoia. 

“Mostly just for my workshop,” Sadie replied, her gaze locked on Brian and the sway of his body as he knocked back his first shot. Brooke held onto his arm, acting drunker than she was so she’d have an excuse to need him to hold her up. She was so transparent Sadie almost wanted to laugh. “But I started something new today."

“Yeah?” Murr urged, uncomfortable sitting next to Sadie’s simmering jealousy, and doing his best to get her to ignore it and have fun again. Brooke was harmless. “What’s it about?”

But Sadie’s attention couldn’t be budged, because she’d just watched Brian rip the lime from its rind to take the sting off the tequila burn, and now Brooke was running her thumb over his lip as if to say  _ you missed a little.  _ “It’s a love story,” Sadie told Murr, fury rising. 

“Well, if you ever need a second set of eyes, just give me a shout--”

Down went the second shot, and Sadie stopped listening. The club was loud and crowded and they were on the other side of it, but all Sadie could see was Brooke and Brian like there was a blinding spotlight on them. Sadie knew Brooke wanted an audience for this, and she was in luck, because Sadie was buying a ticket to this show. She wouldn’t fucking miss it. 

She sat on the edge of her seat, eyes glued to the spectacle Brooke was making of herself as the little cobra shot forward to lick a stripe up Brian’s neck. 

Murr’s hand went to Sadie’s shoulder just as fast. “What the fuck,” he breathed, stunned, squeezing her shoulder with sympathy she didn’t have time or use for. “Sadie--”

Sadie was already on her feet. 

+

There was a tongue on Brian’s throat, and it wasn’t Sadie’s. 

A laugh was all he’d been able to get out when he’d tossed the second shot back off-centred and only managed to get half of it in his mouth, the rest trickling sloppily down his chin and neck. He didn’t have time to grab a napkin or even use his sleeve to clean it up before Brooke swept in, her hand on his elbow and her body pressed against his. She licked the tequila from his clavicle to his jaw, tongue flattened like a pornstar licking a dick, and his laughter died in his throat with her mouth on it. 

Too drunk to stand up for himself besides muttering a weak  _ fuck,  _ Brian jerked back like she was a flame he hadn’t seen sparking, stumbling into Sal next to him.

“Can’t hold your liquor after all, huh?” Sal cackled, throwing an arm around Brian like all he needed was a pal to lean on. He hadn’t seen what Brooke had just done, and he was too drunk to notice the stunned look on Brian’s face. “Hey Brooke, did we ever tell you about Q and Mardi Gras 2008?”

“No,” Brooke said, trying to catch Brian’s eye. “I bet you got real messy, didn’t you?”

Those two fucking shots had done him in. What the fuck was he thinking? Brian’s stomach was swirling and his head was spinning and he needed to get away from here. Away from her. “I gotta find Sadie,” Brian muttered, unable to hide his slur. 

“Come on, this is such a great story,” Sal said, drunk past the point of being able to take a hint or keep his hands to himself. All Sal wanted was to have a blast with his best friend tonight, so he tightened his arm around his shoulders to get him to stay. “What was the name of the hotel we stayed at? Doesn’t matter. Anyway, so  _ this  _ asshole, listen to this--”

The music was too loud and Sal was losing his voice so Brooke had to move closer to hear his story. Brian pressed closer to Sal and wanted to throw up, wanted to lose his cool, wanted to crawl right out of his skin --  _ not known for my cheating, _ he’d told Sadie a million times, sidestepping hungry-eyed girls on the road to return to his hotel alone even when he didn’t know the next time he’d see her, because he was loyal, he was fucking  _ true,  _ and now here he was, another girl’s saliva on his skin with Sadie in the same goddamn building as him because he was too wasted to push her away. What a fucker. 

He leaned his forehead against the side of Sal’s face. “I have to see Sadie.”

Sal clapped him on the back with an affectionate roll of his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “Go get your girl, you lush.”

Brooke’s eye roll was anything but affectionate. “Whipped, isn’t he?” she said to Sal. 

“Yeah, but it suits him,” Sal said, ruffling Brian’s hair. “Anyway so Mardi Gras! Jesus Christ, I’m drunk. You tell it.”

Brian looked at Sal. Sal’s eyes were bloodshot and his body leaned heavily against his, and even through his panic and his drunken haze, Brian knew he couldn’t leave Sal here on his own. “I don’t remember it,” Brian told him, fumbling to hook his arm through Sal’s. “Let’s go back to the table.”

“Yes,  _ except,  _ this is my song,” Sal replied, already moonwalking towards the dance floor to the beat of “I’m Too Sexy.”

_ “Sal,  _ you fuckin--”

“Oh, come on,” Brooke purred, dragging Brian by the arm over to where Sal was headed. “Can’t let him cut a rug out there all by himself, can we?”

“Yeah,” Brian said, so drunk his limbs felt fuzzy as he pulled his arm away from her. “I gotta find my girlfriend.”

“Why?” Brooke laughed. “She’s just gonna leave.”

“What?” Brian asked, his slur coming out soft and wounded as he turned to look for the exit. “You see her? Where’s she going?”

“Nowhere,” Sadie said, stopping his heart as she appeared next to him with Murr in tow. “You fucking wish.”

“Sadie,” Brian breathed, wrapping his arms around her in a way that was probably too much, too heavy, too tight, but he couldn’t help it. He buried his face in her hair and held her face in his hands and didn’t realize he was saying sorry until she told him to stop. 

“Great idea, honey,” Sadie said, somehow standing tall under his weight. “Tequila when you could barely stand to begin with.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, expression crumpling when she shrugged him off and told him to stop again. 

“I’m not interested in your apology,” she barked. “I want hers.”

“Mine?” Brooke blinked. “I didn’t do anything.”

Sadie held Brian’s elbow to keep him steady and keep herself from snapping Brooke’s neck. “You think this shit is a game?”

Brooke laughed. “What are you talking about?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Sadie snapped, coming unglued. “I had balcony seats for your little show so don’t waste your time feeding me bullshit.”

“My little  _ show?” _ Brooke laughed, her eyes roaming over Brian and Murr, waiting for one of them to stick up for her. “What does that even--”

“Sweetie, we were upstairs,” Murr told her as kindly as he could muster. “We saw everything.”

Brooke flinched and looked to Brian for backup. Caught with her hand in the cookie jar and not one bit sorry about it. Luring him in with her eyes to hide his own red hands behind his back and protect her. “Oh my God, this is so stupid -- Q, tell them.”

Unfortunately for Brooke, Brian was obliterated, coursing with liquor and guilt, and all he could do was touch Sadie. “I was gonna come get you,” he told her, his forehead against hers. “Sal wanted to do shots, and I was--”

“Stop,” Sadie snapped. “Go get some water.”

“No,” he said pleadingly. “Sadie, you’re so mad.”

Sadie took a deep breath to cool the anger boiling her blood. “I’m so mad I’m about to Hulk out, but I’m not mad at you,” she told him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Brooke smiled. “He didn’t?”

“No, bitch, he didn’t,” Sadie said, her grip on Brian’s elbow becoming a claw. “Are you kidding me? You put your tongue on my boyfriend’s throat and you have the audacity to blame him for it?”

Brooke rolled her eyes. “I was just joking around.”

“Yeah? Were you? Do you see anyone laughing?”

“Well, we were before you showed up.”

“Hey,” Brian snapped at the same time Sadie laughed in disbelief and saw red. “Watch it.”

The slur in his voice just made Sadie angrier. “I appreciate it but I want you to go drink some goddamn water,” she told him, and then turned back to Brooke with a fury Brian had never seen before. “You wanna do this in front of your fucking boss, or should we go outside?” 

Brooke finally looked panicked. “Uh, are you serious, or--?”

“Oh, I’m fucking serious,” Sadie laughed. “Either way, you’re getting your ass handed to you. Take your pick.”

“Whoa, what the fuck’s happening?” Sal asked, finally joining them, sheen with sweat from dancing. 

“We’re getting you some water,” Murr said, throwing an arm around him and another one around Brian. “You too, bud.”

“I’m not leaving her,” Brian said, sloppily shrugging him off. 

Murr looked at Sadie, saw the look on her face and knew she could take care of herself. “Suit yourself,” he told Brian, and then clapped Sal on the back. “Come on.”

“What’s  _ happening?”  _ Sal demanded. 

“Q’s about to witness a murder,” Murr explained as he led Sal away to the bar. 

Now that they were alone, Brooke held her hands up. “My bad, I didn’t realize how whipped he was,” she said. “I’m sorry, all right?” 

“No, not all right,” Sadie snapped. “How  _ dare you  _ talk about him after what you just did, you pathetic little asshole?”

“Yikes,” Brooke said. “I could tell you were insecure, but I didn’t know  _ how  _ insecure.”

“Insecure?” Sadie demanded, cutting Brian off when he tried to protest.  _ “I’m  _ insecure?”

“Yeah, you come racing over here the second another girl talks to your boyfriend -- that’s pretty insecure in my books,” Brooke said, and then smiled smugly at Brian. “Guess she doesn’t trust you very much.”

Sadie put her arm across Brian before he could respond. “I trust Brian with my  _ life,” _ she said. She was yelling now. “I didn’t come racing over here because I was scared he’d reciprocate the sleazy see-through fucking move you made on him; I came racing over here because I saw some gross-ass bitch put their hands on someone who’s so drunk he can barely keep his eyes open. Are you that desperate?”

“Oh please, he’s a guy,” Brooke scoffed. “He can take care of himself.”

“Fuck off,” Sadie snapped, letting go of Brian to take a step closer to Brooke. “I really have to explain consent to you?”

“You fuck off,” Brooke snapped back, trying to use her height to her advantage to dwarf Sadie and intimidate her. “You don’t even know me.”

“Sure I do,” Sadie said, standing her ground as she looked up at her, unshrinking. Sadie was smaller than a lot of people. Brooke wasn’t one of them. “You’re a lazy piece of shit who thinks you’re entitled to the best of the best but you don’t think you should have to work for it, because that’s beneath you. You figure you can try to fuck somebody else’s boyfriend and they’ll give you the boost you think you deserve because you’re the kind of trash bag human being who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else’s dreams or potential but your own. You say  _ I’m actually  _ _ from _ _ New York,  _ like that counts for something, when really, you’re a fucking dime a dozen in any goddamn town and you’re going to get eaten alive in this city and you’ll deserve every bite.”

Brooke stared at her. _“Wow.”_

Sadie stared back. “What, you thought you were complicated?”

Brooke shook her head. “I seriously don’t have to listen to this.”

“No, but you probably should,” Sadie said. “The next girl who catches you putting your mouth on their boyfriend might not call you a bitch and leave it at that.”

Brooke lowered her gaze. “I told you, I was just joking around.”

“You don’t  _ get _ to joke around about this,” Sadie barked. “This isn’t for you. You don’t get to touch this. This is ours.”

At that, Brian wanted to throw Sadie over his shoulder and carry her out of here and tell her everything he’d told Joe today. He settled for kissing her temple.

“And you wanna know something else?” Sadie demanded, seeming to grow taller under Brian’s kiss. “Good men who are in love like this one right here wouldn’t touch a girl like you with a 10 foot pole, you know why? Because they have loyalty and they value substance. You have neither.”

Brian’s jaw dropped while Brooke covered her own shock with disdain and an icy smile. She looked at him. “Is she always this mean?”

_ “No,”  _ Brian said, marveling at his girlfriend. 

“I’m not saying it to be mean,” Sadie said. “Well, not entirely.” 

“Nah,” Brooke said sarcastically. “You’re saying it because I deserve it, right?” 

“Yeah, you do, actually,” Sadie said. “Because here’s a tip, Brooke -- life gets a lot easier when you realize that other women aren’t obstacles.”

Brooke raised an eyebrow. “Maybe where you’re from.”

“You don’t know shit about where I come from,” Sadie said. “But I promise you I didn’t lick anyone’s boyfriend to get where I am now.”

“Congratulations,” Brooke said. “Having a famous one of your own doesn’t hurt, right?”

Brian cut in, trying to speak carefully past his slur. “She doesn’t need my help getting where she wants to go,” he said. “But I’ll be beside her when she gets there herself.”

Sadie almost smiled, until she saw the furious look on Brooke’s face. “You could have that someday too, if you grow up and stop being such a cunt.”

Brian’s eyes went wide with shock and awe, like he’d just heard someone say fuck in church. “Sadie,” he said, half scolding, half amazed. “Whoa."

Brooke tried to laugh. “And I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.”

Sadie shrugged. “I  _ was _ nice to you,” she said. “And then you touched him.”

Brooke looked like she’d just been slapped out of a spell. “I’m sorry, okay?” she said with a roll of her eyes, brushing a tear away in the process. “My asshole boyfriend broke up with me for another girl last week.”

“Imagine that.”

“Yeah, so I’m fucked up right now,” Brooke said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“Oh, I think plenty of thought went into what you did tonight,” Sadie said with a knowing wink. “You just didn’t think anyone would call you on it because you’re a brat.”

Brooke’s sarcastic smile held on through its wavering. She offered it sheepishly to Brian. “Your girlfriend’s kind of a bitch.”

_ “Yeah,” _ Brian said, with eyes only for Sadie, as if he’d gotten to meet and fall in love with her for the first time all over again. “She’s amazing.”

“I guess she is,” Brooke said, foolishly thinking all was forgiven as she moved forward with her arms out. 

“What the hell are you doing, don’t hug me,” Sadie scoffed, stiffening and putting her hands up to ward off the embrace. She hooked her arm through Brian’s with a grumpy scowl as she pulled him away, muttering, “Jesus Christ.”

Brian leaned into her as he stumbled along at her side. “Are we going home?”

“Yeah, we’re going home,” Sadie told him, barely tossing an unimpressed look over her shoulder at Brooke. “Good luck with your bullshit.”

“Shoulda wished her luck having a job on Monday,” Brian said, slipping his arm away from Sadie’s so he could drape it over her shoulder. 

“Wouldn’t waste my time,” Sadie said, her arm going around his back. He was heavy, but she was here. “Let’s get you that water.”

She led him through the crowd to the bar, smiling when some guy bumped into her and Brian shoved him back with all the grace and menace of a drunk circus bear. “Come on,” she laughed, her blood still simmering, but her heart soft for him. She brought him to Murr and Sal, who were standing at the bar, holding glasses of water and pretending they hadn’t just been watching the showdown like it was a tennis match. “There’s your water.”

Murr handed Brian’s water to him, his eyes amused and on Sadie. “I take it you won.”

“Oh, she did,” Brian said. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sadie said, embarrassed. 

“Murr took a video,” Sal said. 

“Murr!” Sadie squawked. 

“Careful, Murr,” Brian warned. “She’ll drop a c-bomb on you.”

Sadie smirked at him. “Drink.” She watched as he polished off his glass of water in record time, and then put an arm around his waist again. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Brian said, using the back of his hand to wipe water from his beard before he kissed her forehead. “Let’s go home.”

“Hey Q,” Sal said, his slur just as thick as Brian’s. “Sorry I didn’t cock block better. I’m drunk.”

Brian laughed. “It’s okay, buddy.”

Sadie turned to Murr and gestured to Sal. “You got him?”

Murr slung an arm around Sal. “Always,” he said, smiling at her as he gestured to Brian. “You got him?”

She smiled back. “Always.”

And she did. She propped him up as they made their way toward the neon exit sign, holding onto him tight as they walked outside into the chilly summer night air and weaved through a cluster of smokers. She knew this part of Manhattan like the back of her hand by now, and with Brian beside her, she was astonished at how heavily this felt like home. 

“You’re so good,” Brian said, lips brushing her ear as she looked up and down Bowery for a cab with its lights on. “Thank you.”

“You’re so drunk,” Sadie replied, trying to laugh only because she wanted to cry, because her throat hurt from shouting and her heart hurt from the way it was closing up so all that was left in it was him and her hands were covered in ink from the story she was writing, and had he really meant it when he said he’d stand beside her when she got where she was going? She turned her face up to him to catch his mouth with hers to plant a soothing kiss. “Do you see any taxis?”

“I love you,” he told her instead, not letting the kiss end at soothing. How could he, when he loved her like this? He wanted to kiss her until her voice came back, until the angry knots in her shoulders untangled, until she knew how much what she'd done tonight had meant to him. God, he really did, he loved her, to the moon and back, he loved her. His own little bodyguard, not even five foot five and ready to take on the world. For him. 

He tasted like tequila and lime and she tasted like cherry cola and summer and they smiled into their kisses every time someone walked by and wolf-whistled at them as they made out against a brick wall plastered in crooked posters for punk shows and comedy gigs. Wrapped up in each other's arms, they would never know how many taxis passed by while they kissed.

It didn’t matter. They were already home.  


	23. it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

“Brian,” Sadie whispered. “I have to tell you something.”

Brian set the remote control down and turned his cheek against the pillow to look at Sadie beside him. “What?”

“You’re not going to like it,” she said. “But you need to know.”

Sadie looked so soft and earnest next to him in his bed, her hair splayed out like a halo on her pillow, dressed in one of his old Staten Island t-shirt that she refused to give back, looking up at him like she knew she was asking for trouble but didn’t mind one bit. Brian smiled. “So tell me.”

Her lips brushed his ear as she whispered, “I hate Batman.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he chuckled. “No one hates Batman.”

“I do,” she said.

Brian was baffled. “But he’s the best.”

“He’s the worst,” she said. “And I know you’re hungover and pathetic and looking to superheroes for comfort, but I need you to know if you put on one more movie that has Batman in it, I’m not bringing you any more ginger ale and I also might kill you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I hate Batman, Brian.”

He scoffed. “You like Nolan’s _Dark Knight_ series.”

“No. I fell asleep 100 times.”

“Even when--”

“Yes.”

Brian blinked at her. “But you like Tim Burton’s Batman, right?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Lego Batman?”

“No.”

“What the fuck,” he breathed. “It’s like I don’t even know you.”

“I tried to keep it to myself,” she shrugged. “But then I saw you about to press play on _Dark Knight Rises_ and I had to say something.”

“How can you hate _Batman?”_

“Because he’s a _bitch.”_

Brian stopped and grinned at her. “Oh hey, speaking of bitches.”

Sadie draped a dramatic arm over her face. “Please don’t.”

“Remember when you called a 21-year-old intern for my show a bitch _and_ a cunt?” he asked, laughing when she smacked his arm. “Because I sure do.”

Sadie pressed her nose into his shoulder, embarrassed. “You can’t say cunt.”

“You’re allowed to say it but I’m not?”

“Correct. You’re a man. Men can’t say it.”

“Sounds like a double standard to me.”

Sadie smiled coolly. “You’re gonna talk to a woman about double standards?”

“God no,” Brian smiled back. “I take it back. Don’t Hulk out on me.”

She groaned. “Think you’ll ever let me live last night down?”

“Not a chance.”

She rolled her eyes, covering her face with her hands. “I feel like such an idiot.”

“You shouldn’t,” he scoffed, prying her hands away so he could kiss her. “It was so hot I almost jerked off just thinking about it in the shower this morning.”

Sadie grinned, pulling herself closer to him. “That explains why you were so handsy when you got out.”

“Well, yeah, that, and having sex with you is the ultimate hangover cure.”

She smirked up at him, pleased. “That makes me feel kinda powerful.”

“Good, because you are,” he said. “You should’ve seen yourself last night. You were amazing.”

“I was hoping you’d be too drunk to remember.”

“Hearing your girlfriend call another girl the c-word in your honour sobers you up a bit,” he said. “Fuck Batman, _you’re_ my hero.”

Sadie smiled. “Does that mean I can pick the next movie?”

He huffed. “Nice try,” he said. “Just because you were my knight in shining armour last night doesn’t mean I want to watch you scroll through Netflix for the next hour and a half. I’d rather watch paint dry.”

“There’s just so many choices,” she sighed. “And I’m never in the mood for any of them.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Brian laughed. “I’ve lived with you for almost 3 months now.”

Sadie smiled over at him. His cowlick and his arms and legs tangled up with hers and his cozy little laugh made her never want to get out bed. True to their word from last night, they’d spent all day in bed together, marathoning movies as he recovered from his well-deserved hangover. She’d brought him ginger ale and chicken noodle soup and he’d kissed all his thank yous against her skin. Summer rain poured outside, drawing them closer to each other -- although, to be fair, summer sunshine would’ve done the same. The world outside had no pull on them today.

“You know what I miss?” she asked. “Going out to rent movies.”

Brian trailed the back of his knuckle lightly down her arm. “You mean like going to the movie store?”

“Yeah,” Sadie said with a wistful sigh. “It wasn’t just scrolling through shitty choices for an hour until you don’t even feel like watching anything anymore — it was like an event, you know? You’d talk your mom into taking you and your brothers to Blockbuster and you’d all pile in the car and fight the entire time about what you wanted to rent.”

He turned his hand over to drag his palm over her shoulder and up her neck and come to a stop on her face. “I bet you won every fight.”

She laughed. “You bet your ass I did.”

“What would you pick?”

“Usually something I’d already seen a million times.”

“So you’ve always been a brat,” he smiled.

“Yep,” she smiled back. “To this day, my brothers and I communicate almost exclusively in _The Goonies_ quotes.”

“Jesus, you’re a nerd,” Brian laughed, his thumb stroking her jawline as he kissed her. “When I was a kid, I’d ride my bike to Blockbuster every Saturday. By the time I started working there, I’m pretty sure I’d watched every horror movie they had.”

“I’m so jealous,” Sadie said as she snuggled into him. “I loved sneaking into the horror section and looking at the covers but my mom never let me rent any.”

“Guess we need to have a scary movie marathon one of these nights,” he said, pressing past his fear that their nights were running out.

“It’s a date,” she smiled, then kissed the worried line between his brows. “I never got to go on a movie store date. That’s one of the great injustices of my life.”

Brian gave her a sideways look. “How did you never go on a movie store date?” he asked. “Wasn’t your asshole ex-boyfriend the manager at fucking Blockbuster?”

“Assistant,” she corrected. “And he was, but we worked there together. It’s not a date if you’re getting paid.”

He considered that. “Not usually.”

“I always wanted to hold hands with someone I had a crush on and wander up and down the aisles, talking about movies while we looked for something we probably wouldn’t watch anyway if the date went well,” Sadie said. “Jack could’ve lost his job if anyone found out he was dating me, so he certainly never held my hand anywhere. He wouldn’t even give me a ride home.”

“That guy was an idiot,” Brian scoffed. “If that’d been me, I wouldn’t have just held your hand, I would’ve fucked you after hours on every surface in front of every security camera and then asked for a copy on my way out.”

Sadie grinned. “Woof.”

He grinned back. “Yeah?”

She kissed him. “Get undressed.”

He kissed her back. “You first,” he said, hands seizing the hem of her t-shirt.

The moment was ruined when they heard a loud crash downstairs, followed by the unmistakable sound of panicked kitty claws scrabbling across hardwood. “What the fuck are they doing,” Brian grumbled, letting go of Sadie’s shirt as he whipped the blanket off and shifted his hungover body to the edge of the bed. “Buncha cockblockers.”

“Why don’t you look at your nanny cam app to check on them?” Sadie asked with a coy smile.

“I only use that when I’m out of town,” Brian huffed, a grumpy smile betraying him. “Don’t be an asshole.”

“I only tease because I love,” Sadie said with a kiss to his cheek as she leaned across the bed and stopped him from getting up. “I’ll go. You stay.”

Brian froze in place, watching her with hearts in his eyes. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I want a snack for later anyway,” she said. “Do you want more ginger ale?”

He was too in love with her to even smile back. “I’m okay, sweetheart.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back,” she said, heading for the door, but then dashed back to grab her phone off the bedside stand, smiling when he gave her a questioning look. “If they’re doing something cute, I want to take a picture.”

Brian sat up in bed as he waited for her. He listened to her voice float up from the kitchen as she talked to the cats, clearly settling some kind of misunderstanding between them, and there was no other word to describe what his heart was doing other than to say it was pining.

Just yesterday one of his best friends was telling him to marry her. If she hadn’t walked into that boardroom and told him she might be leaving soon, he wondered if he would’ve let last night end without asking her to do just that. It was hard not to ask her to be with him forever when she’d walked up and put herself between him and Brooke and gave that girl the dress-down of her life -- the entire time, all his brain could come up with was _Jesus Christ this is it, it’s her, holy fuck, she’s it._

No one had ever stuck up for him like that before. Not even his brothers growing up. Stuck beside him, sure -- he had plenty of friends who had stuck with him, he was lucky that way -- but Brian had always fought his own battles. Then Sadie came swooping in.

And now here she was, nursing him through his hangover. The hangover he’d earned from tossing back drinks to cover up the hole she was going to rip out of him when she left. Here she was, playing referee to his cats, the only living creatures he’d lived with and taken care of in over a decade, loving them just as much as he did.

Fuck.

What was he going to do without her?

Well, who fucking knew, but whatever it was, he wouldn’t have to find out tonight. Tonight, it was still August, and she was here for him, and his cats were her cats, and she was downstairs making herself a snack in his kitchen. Their kitchen. Tonight, she was his, he was hers. She would come back to their bed and she would kiss him goodnight and she would fall asleep next to him, safe and sound in his arms like he wanted her to always be. The countdown was on, and he knew that in the darkest corner of his pining, cracking, aching heart, but tonight, he still had her.

He picked up his phone and started typing.

“One of your little angels knocked over the pizza box we left on the counter last night,” Sadie said as she returned and climbed back into bed with him with a granola bar in one hand and Chessie over her other shoulder. “Luckily you ate most of it when you were drunk as fuck so there wasn’t much of a mess to clean.”

Brian lifted his eyes from his phone and melted at seeing Sadie with Chessie in her arms. Chessie was the middle child of his cats, and he loved that Sadie played favourites with him. “You’re so good,” he purred, kissing Sadie’s forehead.

“Wanna know how good?” Sadie purred back, grinning when she felt his breathing change. “Chessie, you have to leave now.”

Brian tossed his phone aside and drew back. “I have another idea.”

Sadie blinked at him. “Is it a sexy one?”

“It’s a secret.”

“I hate secrets.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes I do, especially when they might not be sexy.”

“Let’s go,” Brian urged, patting her knee. “Get dressed.”

Sadie frowned. “That is the exact opposite of my idea.”

Brian smiled and got out of bed. “Come on,” he laughed, tugging on her arm when she just glowered at him. “Don’t give me that face.”

“It was going to be great,” Sadie grumbled, flopping out of bed like a surly teenager being forced to go to school. “Clothing was completely optional.”

Brian grinned and threw a pair of her denim shorts to her. “Put those on.”

She gave him a look as she pulled them on and buttoned them up. “Fine,” she said, playfully rolling her eyes as he ushered her out the door. “You would’ve liked my idea.”

He swatted her on the ass and kissed the back of her head before he slung his arm around her and led the way downstairs. “You’ll like this one, too,” he said, car keys in hand.

+

Sadie had to admit: she did like car rides. Brian refused to tell her where they were going, no matter how much she whined about it, and she would have been happy just to stay in bed with him until tomorrow morning, but she had no complaints about riding shotgun in his jeep as he drove through the rain-slicked streets of Staten Island.

Even if he also drove her crazy.

“Quit it!” she laughed as Brian cackled himself into a coughing fit.

“I _can’t,”_ Brian laughed back, looking over at her in absolute shock and delight. “I’m genuinely embarrassed for you.”

“I’m going to jump out of this vehicle if you don’t leave me alone.”

“I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, so I’d pull over,” Brian said. “And then I’d tell the first person I saw what you thought the lyrics for Like A Virgin were.”

“Get lost,” she growled, pretending to put up a fight when he kissed her at a red light. “You know how much I hate being wrong.”

“I sure do,” he said. “That’s why this is so much fun for me.”

“Drive, you dick.”

Brian was too busy grinning at her to see the light was green, just every light before this one. He tried to keep his eyes on the road, but he couldn’t resist glancing over at her one more time. “Tell me again.”

“No.”

“C’mon.”

“No,” she said. “And if you ever try to tell anyone about this, I’ll tell them it was you.”

Brian smiled. “You’re a terrible liar. No one will ever believe you.”

“You’re a villain,” she said. “See if I ever sing along to the radio all happy and carefree around you again.”

“That would be a pity, because then I wouldn’t get to hear what other classic songs of the 80s you’ve been singing wrong your entire life.”

“I’m going to murder you.”

Brian laughed. “If you say it again, I’ll tell you where we’re going.”

Sadie glared over at him. “Fine.”

Brian beamed over at her in anticipation. When she didn’t make a peep, he fed her the first line. “Like a virgin...”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “Touched for the the 31st time.”

He howled with laughter all over again, and Sadie was concerned she’d have to grab the wheel at one point, but secretly she loved when she earned this laugh from him. It was contagious, and soon she was snickering along with him.

“I think you’re overreacting,” she said, hiding her grin by looking out her window.

“It doesn’t even make _sense,”_ he wheezed, his voice two octaves higher as he coughed and wiped away tears. “How does being touched 31 times make you feel like a virgin?”

“I don’t know! Give me a break! It came out two years before I was born!”

“I know it did! Which means you’ve had over 30 years to learn the words!”

Sadie finally laughed. “Okay, fuck. Whatever. You win this round.”

“You’re cute when you’re wrong,” he told her. “You should do it more often.”

“You wish,” she scoffed, but smiled when she realized not getting something right didn’t sting like it usually did. He wasn’t making fun of her because he thought she was stupid; he was teasing her because he loved her. Just like she did with him. “You promised you’d tell me where we’re going.”

“Right here,” he said, turning into a parking lot, grinning when she glared at him for tricking her. “Tada.”

The parking lot was at the back of a building, so she still had no idea where they were. “You dragged me out of bed where I was going to have sex with you and brought me to an alley?”

Brian pulled his keys out of the ignition and leaned across the armrest to kiss her and unbuckle her seatbelt. “You’re full of piss and vinegar tonight.”

“I’m full of piss and vinegar every night.”

“That’s true,” he admitted with a laugh. “I’m into it.”

She smiled and reached for her door handle. “Sorry, I’m only being difficult because I want to have sex with you,” she said. “I’m done now, I promise.”

“Done wanting to have sex with me?” he squawked. “We’d better go home.”

She laughed. “No, I’m done being difficult,” she said. “Honestly, you could drag me to Wal-Mart and I’d be happy.”

He grinned. “Well, this isn’t Wal-Mart,” he said, pushing his door open. “But hopefully you won’t be too disappointed.”

They both stepped out of the vehicle, and Brian put his arm around her as he led her through the parking lot and around to the front of the building. As usual, she hadn’t dressed warmly enough for the rainy summer evening, and he loved the goosebumps on her skin and the way she leaned into him for warmth. But when they turned the corner and she read the store sign, it was her and her smile that warmed him up head to toe.  

Sadie looked up at him, beaming. “You found me a movie store?”

He beamed back. “The last one in town.”

“Brian,” she said, grinning up at the neon sign like a kid about to walk into Disneyland. “You’re unreal.”

Brian shrugged. “Hey, you defended my honour last night,” he chuckled. “The least I can do is rent you some scary movies.”

Sadie stood on her tiptoes to kiss him, hands holding his face as the summer rain pelted down in the red glow of Majors Records & Video’s open sign, and then she kissed him once more for good measure and led the way to the front doors. “Hey, guess what,” she said, looking back before she pulled the door all the way open.

“What?” he asked, close on her heels and head over his.

“I love you,” she grinned as she wrinkled her nose at him and slipped inside.

“Hey, I love you too,” he said, following her in, and then put out a hand, palm up. “Shall we?”

Sadie practically swooned out of her shoes. She smiled, heart swelling, and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. Bells jingled as they walked through the door, and the clerk looked up from watching _Mallrats_ on the TV behind the counter to study them appraisingly.

“Hi,” Sadie said happily.

The clerk grunted in acknowledgement, attention back on her movie.

Sadie grinned up at Brian. “She’s surly,” she whispered as they wandered further into the store. “I love New York.”

Brian couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Being with her here made him feel like the years were falling off of him. “You sure love a lot of stuff tonight.”

“Mostly you,” she chirped, and then saw the hand-made signs taped to the wall. “49-cent movie rentals?! Is this 1998?”

Brian followed her into the horror section. “I’m glad it’s not,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze. “This is way better.”

“To put it lightly,” Sadie said as she reached for a movie case so she could look at the back. “You’ve got your show; I’m in New York; we fucking met somehow? Like the odds of any of that happening? 1998 had no idea what it was in store for us.”

“Tell me about it,” Brian chuckled, smiling when he saw her reach for _Friday the 13th._ “I mean, I was fucking engaged in 1998. I felt like my life was over. I had no idea I’d have to wait 20 years to meet you.”

Sadie smiled. “Good thing you waited. I was 12 in 1998.”

Brian laughed. “You’re the worst.”

“I try,” she said, and then raised their entwined hands so she could kiss his knuckles. “Honestly, if someone had told me _two_ years ago that someday I’d meet a guy who’d listen to me say _oh hey I never got to have this romantic moment that’s totally obsolete now_ and then ten goddamn minutes later he throws me in the car and tracks it down for me so I can finally have it? I wouldn’t have believed them for a second. But here you are.”

Brian ran a hand through his hair, Joe’s pep talk yesterday swimming through his head. _Marry her._

“Yeah,” he replied. “Here we are.”

“Hey, what’s that movie where the hamsters turn into frogs?”

Brian gaped at her. “Do you mean _Gremlins?”_

“That’s it!”

“Okay, first of all, they’re mogwais, and they turn into _gremlins,_ hence the title, ya fuckin dim bulb,” he said, unable to stop himself from laughing when he heard her giggle proudly at her own mistake. “And second of all, if you were anyone else, that would be grounds for a break up.”

“Sounds like _you’re_ a gremlin,” she said, snickering when he playfully bit the curve of her neck. “And a vampire.”

He huffed and grabbed _Gremlins_ and _Gremlins 2: The New Batch_ off the shelf. “We’re watching these tonight.”

She laughed. Now it was his turn to look like a kid set loose in a candy store. “Are we?”

“Well, _you_ are; I’m just gonna be watching you the whole time,” he said, looking over at her with his eyes lit up. “You’re gonna flip your lid over them. I can’t wait for you to meet Gizmo.”

Sadie smiled at him. “Wanna know something I love about you?”

“Is it the obvious?”

Sadie raised an eyebrow. “What’s the obvious?”

He scoffed, his eyes flicking downward.

She brayed, putting up very little fight as he kissed down her neck like he was trying to gobble her up. “I do love that, but no,” she laughed. “I love that whenever you find out I haven’t watched something from when you were a kid, you get so happy, like you get to introduce me to an old friend.”

“I don’t introduce my best friends to just anybody, you know,” he said, an arm around her shoulder as he planted a kiss on her temple before he pulled her deeper into the horror aisle. “How about you? Any old friends here you want me to know?”

There certainly were. She picked out _The Goonies,_ of course, and _Ferris Bueller’s Day Off_ and _Stand By Me_ and _10 Things I Hate About You,_ and they talked up and down the aisles just like it was the first day they’d met. Their laughter fell over each other as they raced to learn everything they could about where Sadie came from and why Brian loved what he loved, and how they wound up who they were because of the stories around them. Even the surly clerk could see what a sweet movie they’d make.

They debated _Star Wars_ versus _Lord of the Rings_ and Adam Sandler versus Jim Carrey and Brian told her what it was like seeing _Jurassic Park_ in theatres, and Sadie told him how her brother convinced her it was a documentary and how she couldn’t sleep with the lights off for a month and she still had yet to see it. (They added that one to the stack.) They talked about their celebrity crushes and favourite sex scenes and the best comebacks of all time, and Sadie squeezed his hand and smiled against his shoulder, because he’d given her all three.  

The writer in Sadie wanted to step outside this moment and write it all down, to capture this story beat by beat, smile by smile, reveal by reveal, while the dreamer in her just wanted to burrow in and make a nest out of it. He was telling her about his top five movie soundtracks when she realized with a sinking stomach — this was home. It didn’t just _feel_ that way anymore; it just _was._ Brian, his hand in hers, his kindness and his memories, all of it: home. Horrifyingly, wholeheartedly home.

After they’d combed through every aisle in the store, they took their treasures to the front counter, where the surly clerk asked if they had an account. Sadie looked to Brian, who shook his head.

“You need an account to rent,” the clerk told them. “Do you want to open one?”

Brian shrugged, trying to look more nonchalant than he felt. “Put it under your name,” he said. “Make it official.”

Sadie smiled, and turned back to the clerk, ready to do business. “Sadie Waters.”

“Address?”

Brian held his breath, waiting for her to ask the clerk if a Canadian address was okay, and then he let it go in a sigh of relief when, without a moment’s hesitation, she gave his address. Their address. Their home, where her dresses hung next to his t-shirts and his cats were her babies and their bed was always unmade, where they started and ended their days together. She even knew the fucking zip code.

 _Are you leaving?_ he wanted to ask her as he paid for the rentals and she took the bag from the clerk with a smile. _How can you do all this if you’re not making a home out of me?_

But instead, he just held the door for her and led her back around to the parking lot to his jeep and opened that door too and hoped she didn’t see his hands shaking. He was sure she’d see it if he tried to put the key in the ignition, and even more so if he tried to drive out of here, so he just waited for her to buckle her seat belt before he leaned across the console and kissed her.

The kiss caught her off guard and she gasped against his mouth, then smiled into it like she was sinking into a warm bath. She purred when he deepened it, fogging up the windows, kissing her with just enough tongue that she knew where this was going. She nipped his bottom lip and pulled back, resting her forehead against his with her eyes closed contentedly. “You gonna get me home or what?”

Brian’s hand went to her seatbelt, his breathing going shallow when he felt the shiver go through her. “You said your ex didn’t hold your hand,” he said. “Didn’t even drive you home from work.”

Sadie’s brow knit in confusion, lips parting when his mouth ghosted over her neck. “No,” she whispered. “He didn’t.”

“So that means he never fucked you in the parking lot.”

She grinned. “Never.”

Brian pressed the button to unbuckle her seatbelt, his lips never leaving her throat. “The windows are tinted.”

Sadie laughed. “Tinted windows don’t make the whole goddamn car invisible,” she said. “You don’t think a jeep rocking in the parking lot will look a little suspicious?”

“I really don’t fucking care,” he laughed back, dark eyes serious and focused. “Get back there.”

“Oh sure,” she giggled, slipping her seatbelt off and squeezing between the seats to get in the backseat. _“Now_ you like my idea.”

Brian went the long way, stepping out of the jeep so he could cast a look around the parking lot to make sure it was empty before he pulled open the back door and climbed in beside her. Without a word, his fingers went straight to work, undoing her shorts and yanking them off, then threw them over his shoulder where they landed somewhere up front. His mouth claimed hers, backing her up against the door, not stopping when she hit her head on the glass of the window.

But Sadie had wanted him all day -- whether it was because another girl had touched him last night, or if it was because her dreams were a little closer to coming true but in another city away from him, or maybe a little bit of both, she didn’t know. All she knew was she didn't want to be kissed in a corner of the backseat or let him pound her up against the door; she wanted to be in charge tonight. With her hand on the back of his neck, she pulled herself up and pushed him back against the seats. “Sit back,” she whispered as she unbuckled his belt.  

Jeans around his knees, Brian did what she said -- Lord knew he loved getting bossed around in bed, just as much as he loved showing her who was boss. But even more than that, he loved when they fought for dominance, so he growled _come here_ and wrapped an arm around her back as he pulled her onto his lap.

“Oh,” Sadie laughed, a wicked look in her eyes, “that’s how you want to play.” She straddled him, thighs on either side of his, making herself right at home as they happily battled each other for the upperhand. He wanted her shirt off; she wouldn’t break their kiss. She wanted his dick inside her; he wanted her writhing under his thumb first. The second she touched him, though, she won, and he surrendered with a gasp as she sank down on his cock, grinning victoriously when the air went out of his lungs. Brian’s hand went to her hips, but she wasn’t interested in letting him guide her. She was in the driver’s seat on his lap, and she had her own rhythm.

But so did he, and he fought her for it. With anyone else, he’d try to fuck them senseless, but with her, he’d turned sweeter and more desperate than he’d ever been, and he was ready to fight her for this. He wanted slow. He wanted the build, the crescendo. An explosion that ended a work of art. He wanted to move in her like they had all the time in the world, to fool himself into thinking this could last forever, to somehow convince her with his body that he’d take her anywhere she wanted if she would just stay. He wanted to fucking keep her. Because no matter how hot this was, no matter how much he loved her or how perfect this night had been, the part of his brain that knew she was leaving, that knew that their story was going to fade just like the fog on the windows -- it was winning.

And the stakes were too high for him to know how to ask her any other way than this, so he slid his hand around the back of her head, anchoring it under her hair, and gave her everything he had.

Sadie’s eyes were closed as she rode him, and she wasn’t thinking about leaving or anything else but this, right here, right now, with him. And to her, there was nothing hotter in the world than the sound of Brian when he was fucking her. She loved the way he sighed profanities and growled her name, the way he whimpered around the edges of his panting, and groaned unabashedly when she changed angles. And to Sadie’s absolute mind-blowing delight, all those sounds that drove her crazy were amplified in the backseat of Brian’s jeep, and it was so fucking hot she could barely make a sound of her own.

She braced herself with a hand on the roof above her, her hips rolling as she crested her peak. Getting closer, she looked down at him, only to see his eyes squeezed shut, looking like he was in a mixture of pain and pleasure, and she kissed his forehead.

“Okay, baby?” she whispered.

Brian’s dark eyes opened and met hers, snapping out of wherever his mind had taken him. Without a word, he answered her question, locking both arms around her back like iron bars, and met her rhythm with a vengeance. She’d never heard him moan like this, the timbre and desperation of it sending her spiralling towards her climax at the same time that it broke her heart. She wrapped her own arms around his neck, hugging him to her chest as she came, a firework of an orgasm tearing through her in shuddering, snapping waves.

Brian pulled a hand over his face as he breathed, shallow and ragged. “Jesus.”

“Fuck,” Sadie laughed, falling forward against his chest. “I just came so hard I gave myself a headache.”

Brian laid his hand on the back of her head, but his touch was so gentle it made her sit up so she could look at him. He felt like such an open book he wanted to close up so she couldn’t read him, but he held her gaze anyway. And if she could tell what he was thinking about or what he’d been begging for just now, Sadie didn’t let on, but the colour in her cheeks and the sweet smile on her lips looked so much like _yes_ to him that his heart nearly burst.

“You okay?” she asked again, smoothing back his hair.

He nodded. “More than okay,” he said, giving her a downcast, tight-lipped smile before he patted her on the ass to signal her to get off.

She complied, but didn’t go very far as she curled up next to him. “Your backseat’s going to be a mess.”

“It’s seen worse,” he chuckled, thinking back to the punishment where he’d had to eat food in the back while a stunt driver whipped him around in circles. Life had been so simple back then, or at least his heart and the things he loved had been: the guys wouldn’t touch his cats, so the only thing he had that they could hurt besides his pride was his jeep. Now, he thought, with Sadie tucked against him, he had so many soft spots. So much to lose.

“Should we get out of here before the grump at the movie store sees the fogged up windows and calls the cops?” she asked.

“Yeah, good idea,” he said, not moving.

Sadie smiled, uncertain. “Can you drive?”

“We’ll find out,” he laughed, only half-joking.

“Maybe we could drive around for a bit?” she suggested. “I’m not ready to go home yet.”

And that was when his heart burst for real.

Sadie saw it. “Hey,” she said. “What just happened?”

Brian tried to laugh as he pulled his jeans up. “You were there.”

She didn’t need him to pretend to laugh for her. “No -- hey,” she said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Brian looked over at her. “Do you?”

She put a hand on his chest. His heart was hammering. “We should,” she said. “We’ve avoided it all day.”

He nodded, scratching his beard. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“You can ask me anything,” Sadie said, a gentle little villain beside him, so kind with his heart as she prepared to break it.

Brian didn’t know where to start, but figured the beginning was as good a place as any. So finally, he asked, “Why didn’t you marry him?”

Sadie blinked, taken aback. “My ex?” she asked, shrugging when he nodded. She reached into the front seat for her shorts and slipped them on. “He never asked.”

“Would you have said yes if he had?”

“I hope not.”

Brian let that sink in. “I’m glad he didn’t.”

“Me too,” she said. They sat in silence, thinking softly as they listened to the rain pattering on the roof, until Sadie said, “As time went by and all our friends got married and we never did, people would ask why, and I’d always say oh, whatever, I don’t want to get married. But that wasn’t true -- I did want to get married, just not to him.”

Brian put an arm around her. “Sometimes we tell ourselves we don’t want something when we’re really just scared we’ll never get it.”

“Yeah,” Sadie said, “I think you’re right.”

“How did you know you were ready to leave him?”

Sadie looked up at him, resting her chin on his shoulder. “I was never ready to leave him, that’s why I stayed so long,” she said. “But I think one day my brain turned my heart off so I could go. If I’d waited until I was ready, I never would’ve left.”

“Did you ever regret it?”

She lifted her chin so she could get a better look at him. “No,” she said. “Why are you asking about my ex?”

Brian shook his head.

“Are you looking for a pattern?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess maybe. I mean, yeah, that’s probably what I’m doing.”

She laid her head back down on his shoulder. “I don’t know if they’re even going to look at my portfolio.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her. “I think it’s safe to get your hopes up this time, sweetheart.”

“This summer’s given me all kinds of hopes,” Sadie said. “And they’re all pretty high.”

“Mine too,” he said quietly.

“You were amazing last week,” she told him. “With the whole pregnancy scare, I mean. You were incredible. That’s probably a lot of why I lost my mind on that stupid intern last night when she touched you, because what we went through last weekend made me love you so much. And even though it was scary, I’m glad it happened, because now we know where we both stand, you know?”

Brian didn’t say anything.

Sadie sat up. “Brian, look at me. You know where I stand, right?”

“I know where I _want_ you to stand.”

“Okay, well, that’s where I’m standing,” she insisted. “With you. Whether I get the job offer or I don’t, we can make this work, okay? After last week, I know we can. Even if I have to leave for a little while. Just because this summer’s ending doesn’t mean we are.”

He brought his other arm around her and perched his chin on top of her head, his voice coming out strained. “That’s really fucking good to hear, Sadie.”

She held him back. “I mean it,” she said. “I wouldn’t give this up for the world.”

Brian couldn’t get his words out right, so he kissed her forehead, the bridge of her nose, and then her lips, so soundly their mouths trembled against each other, until finally, he found the words he was looking for. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said. “Now let’s go watch those hamsters turn into frogs.”

Brian grinned. “You drive me crazy.”

“Good,” Sadie smiled back. “Drive me home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took forever. Since I posted the last chapter, I've left my boyfriend of nearly 8 years, so things have been hard. I'm writing this note not for sympathy, but to say this silly little fic I had no intent of sharing has ended up meaning so much to me because of all you of reading it, and I wanted to say thank you. It's opened my eyes and also introduced me to some great people (and brought me closer to my best friend). This chapter in particular was difficult to write in the midst of a breakup, but like every chapter that came before it, it's been healing in its own way. So, thank you for reading, leaving kudos, sharing comments, and, more than anything, for caring about Sadie. Updates should be coming a little more regularly from now on :) <3


	24. maybe, i'm afraid

There were five things that made Sadie say no.

**1.**

First, he saved her life. 

Maybe that was dramatic. She probably would've been fine. It was a sunny mid-August evening, certainly not the kind of night that makes you think of endings, even though first thing tomorrow morning, he’d be leaving her for three days. Brian and Sadie had built a love around goodbyes, and had perfected the art of making the most out of their last nights together, so, at first glance, tonight wasn’t any different than the rest. 

Brian had gotten her hooked on hot cherry pepper pies from Ambrosino’s that summer, and they figured they’d grab a pizza and a six pack from the strip mall across the street and then tuck in for the night before he had to go. They’d parked at Ambrosino’s, put their order in, and were walking back from the liquor store to pick the pizza up when Brian’s phone went off. 

“Sorry, sweetheart,” he said, dropping her hand to slip his phone from his pocket and answer it. “What?” he barked, Staten Island accent sharp and charming in his greeting, so rude and affectionate Sadie knew it had to be Sal. “Yeah, I’m busy, just like I said I would be. No, I’m not in a bad mood, I’m with my girlfriend, so -- what do you mean I’m being an asshole, you’re the one who called me even though I specifically told you not to!” 

Sadie laughed as she listened to him bicker with Sal, and when they reached the corner, she pulled her own phone from her purse while they waited to cross the busy street. She’d only submitted her writing portfolio a week ago, and she knew they probably wouldn’t have read it yet, and they certainly wouldn’t have an answer for her yet either, but it was on her mind. And by the way Brian’s eyes flicked to her phone and he bit his lip as she checked her email, she knew it was on his mind, too.

Sadie wasn’t paying attention, her eyes down. She was a girl from a small town where there was no such thing as traffic, and there was nowhere she felt safer than next to Brian. As far as she was concerned, nothing could hurt her right now, even as she stepped off the curb.

Without a word, Brian took her hand and pulled her back up onto the sidewalk beside him. Moments later, a bus whipped past, blowing her hair across her face. Brian draped a protective arm over her shoulders, drawing her against him, and whispered  _ careful  _ into her hair. 

Sadie’s heart hammered in her chest, and when the light changed, she clinged to his side in a way she hoped wasn’t obvious. It would’ve been too close for comfort, but that stupid bus wouldn’t have hit her if Brian hadn’t pulled her back -- that wasn’t the reason why every alarm bell was going off in her body right now. 

Had she ever felt this safe? So safe she hadn’t paid attention to what was going on around her? So safe she’d fucking relaxed and let someone else look out for her? She was shaking.  

Because who the hell would she be without her worries? Sadie was glad he was on the phone so he couldn’t see her warding off a goddamn panic attack. If she stayed, if she made a home and a life with him and stopped building love on top of goodbyes -- stopped preparing for this to break her heart -- what would happen to all her fears that kept her safe? If she stopped being afraid, what if she got hurt? What if he let her? 

By the time they made it to the other side of the street, her heart was still pounding but she’d caught her breath. She just wanted to get the pizza and go home.  

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Brian demanded, laughing. “You couldn’t have texted me that? Yes, I’ll pick you up tomorrow! Bye!”

Brian hung up on Sal, an indignant chuckle in his throat as he shoved his phone back in his pocket. “What a dick,” he laughed, then noticed Sadie’s morose expression, and his smile froze. “Hear anything?”

Sadie shook her head. 

_ Good,  _ was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it. She knew, because when she’d seen her inbox was empty, that was exactly what she’d thought, too.

**2.**

When they got home, they got just drunk enough to dust off the record player and spill their hearts, and that led Sadie to the second reason she would say no. 

If Brian had even noticed how rattled Sadie had been earlier that night after the close call on the sidewalk, he didn’t let on. To her credit, Sadie had brushed it off like an anxiety pro, bottling her worries up to shake out later when she was alone. That night, as they sifted through his record collection and polished off their six packs, they still had time to pretend they didn’t have a care in the world. 

“Such treasures,” Sadie said from her spot on the floor in front of the record player, where she was sitting between Brian’s legs with her back against his chest. She took a sip of her beer as she flipped a record cover to look at the track listing on the back. “I can’t believe I didn’t know you had a record player.”

Brian kissed the back of her head and reached around her to grab another record from the pile. “That’s because you never come down to the basement.”

“Of course not,” she said. “Everyone knows basements are where ghosts live.”

Brian bit down the urge to tell her that if ghosts were real, they probably didn’t limit themselves to basements (he was the king of jump scares, and took great joy in getting reactions out of her -- but he was careful not to scare her when he knew she was going to be home alone). “I’m not really a record player kinda guy,” he admitted, changing the subject so the little dummy didn’t scare her own damn self. “I’m too lazy to get up and turn the record over.”

Sadie arched a coy eyebrow at him. “Good thing you’re not lazy where it counts.”

She’d had three beers and he’d had five, so they were both feeling fuzzy and walking that lovely line of contentment where they were all smiles and roaming hands. Right now, his hand lined her ribs, his thumb curved along the underside of her breast while the rest of his fingers laid flat against her stomach, as if to point out his promise that, no, he was not lazy where it counted.

“Good thing,” he agreed, leaning down to kiss her. He kept it slow but chaste, not wanting to work themselves up too much yet. He liked this cozy place of kissing and smiling and touching while old songs crackled under the needle, and wanted it to last a little longer. “It was my parents’ record player. Most of these were theirs.”

Sadie looked at the pile of records with new reverence. She’d never met Brian’s parents, but if the music in front of her (and the man behind her) were any indication of what they were like, she loved them already. They were all bands from the 70s and 80s, the cheesiest and the most earnest, the kind of music her parents had raised her on, and before she could stop herself, she was imagining what their fucking wedding would be like. She pictured their dads cutting a rug to Stevie Wonder while their moms waited for KC and the Sunshine Band. Their brothers trying to bribe the DJ into playing Guns n Roses. Not a dry in the house during The Carpenters. She and Brian swaying to Roy Orbison just like they had the night they met, a long way from the horseshoe booth and the jukebox that had started everything.   

“What’s your favourite?” she asked instead of what she really wanted to ask. 

“Record?” Brian didn’t even have to think about it. He flipped through the stack until he found what he was looking for, lifted the needle off the current record and cut Starship off mid-“Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” and then placed Tom Petty’s  _ Full Moon Fever  _ down carefully. “I mean, every Petty album is my favourite album, but this is a good place to start.”

The familiar chords of “Free Falling” drifted sweetly into the room, and Sadie smiled. This song reeked of summertime and nostalgia, and she wanted to know every little thing about him. He smiled back like he was thinking the same thing about her.

They listened as Petty sang about a good girl and all the things she loved: her mama, Jesus, America, too. “This song’s not about you,” Brian assured her as Petty sang about breaking her heart. 

Sadie smiled because she knew. “I’m more of a ‘Wildflowers’ kind of girl.” She watched as Brian frowned, like he didn’t want to associate that song with her, so she changed gears. “Wanna hear a fun fact?”

He smirked. “Always.”

“Did you know that the music video for ‘Free Falling’ has a real life murderer in it?”

He guffawed, startled. “I wouldn’t call that fact  _ fun,  _ you fucking weirdo.”

“Calling it a juicy tidbit felt disrespectful,” Sadie said. “Next time you watch the video, pay attention to the skateboarders. He’s the fancy one with the girlfriend. She ended up breaking up with him not long after and he murdered her friend.”

“No wonder you scare the shit out of yourself every time you’re home alone,” he chuckled. “You sure know an awful lot about murder.”

“That sounded like an accusation.”

“Just an observation,” he said, and cracked up as he remembered the day they met on the park bench. “One of the first things you told me when we met was how much  _ Law and Order: Special Victims Unit  _ you watch.”

Sadie laughed. “And yet you still asked me out and let me move in with you.”

“I was blinded by how cute you are,” he said. “I never really thought of it being a cause for concern until now.”

“Well, as you can see, I haven’t murdered you yet.”

“I’m sure you’ve wanted to.”

“Nah,” Sadie said. “I’m blinded by how cute you are.”

“You’re a rare breed, Sadie Waters.”

“So are you, Brian Quinn,” she said, and then came across two records that made her sit up straight. She sat with her legs criss-cross applesauce as she picked them up and held them on her lap. “Crazy -- do you remember the night we met and we picked songs on the jukebox?”

“Yeah,” Brian said, suddenly something shy in the way he shifted behind her. “You said we were excited to judge me based on whatever I picked.”

Sadie grinned. “You said it was a lot of pressure.”

“And you said I passed your test,” he chuckled back. “With flying fucking colours, even.”

“Yeah, because you picked this,” Said said, scooting over so she was sitting beside him instead of in front of him. She handed him Roy Orbison’s  _ Mystery Girl  _ album, and then Dexy’s Midnight Runners’  _ Too-Rye-Aye. _ “And I picked this.”

Brian didn’t need to look at the back of either record to know that she was talking about “You Got It” and “Come on Eileen,” the first two songs they’d ever danced to, just moments after their first kiss in the bar with the horseshoe booth -- because they were the only two songs he listened to on either album. He held them in his hands, for once a little too bashful to look at her. “I remember. That was the first and last time anyone’s gotten me to dance since high school.”

Sadie looked at him, thrilled. “Really?”

“Yeah, ask anyone,” he said. “I don’t dance.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” she said, and then kissed his cheek, not sure why he looked so shy. “It’s cute that your parents have the same taste as us.”

“They’re mine,” he said. “The records, I mean. I bought them after you left last year.”

“You did?”

“Yeah,” he said with a sheepish laugh, his hand on the back of his neck. “Whenever we’d go to a new city, I’d make a pit stop at some of the used record shops trying to find them.  _ Mystery Girl  _ took me a couple months.”

Sadie stared at him. 

Brian moved his hand from the back of his neck to the back of hers, pulling her close to plant a kiss on her forehead. “I missed you.”

She sat, stunned, and then laughed. “I want to cry.”

“Don’t,” he laughed back. 

_ What the fuck are we going to do?  _ she wanted to ask.  _ How the fuck are we going to get ourselves out of this?  _

Instead, she finished off her beer and then picked his up to see how much he had left. He still had a quarter left, but she stood up and said, “I’ll go get us another drink.” 

“Sadie,” he said, grabbing her hand before she could get too far. “You’re not really going to cry, are you?”

She bent so she could kiss his knuckles. “No,” she said. “You being the sweetest creature on the planet is totally unrelated to me fleeing the room right now.”

“Yeah, right,” he laughed, tugging on her hand. “You’re three beers in, that’s when you get your drunken weepies.”

“I do not.”

He kissed her wrist. “Like clockwork.”

Sadie grinned, her throat hurting. “Get boned. I’ll be right back.”

She turned and made a beeline for the stairs, taking two at a time, and didn’t breathe until she was alone in the kitchen. It felt like their first date all over again, when he’d invited her over and made her favourite soup for dinner and kissed her in a thunderstorm before they went inside and swapped their saddest stories. She’d had to leave the room before her heart burst all over him, like she had just now. She knew back then that this couldn’t last, that they were getting themselves into trouble by getting too tangled, but she couldn’t help herself. It was over a year later and she still couldn’t. She’d fallen in love with him the night they met and she’d fallen in love with him every night since then, and she couldn’t stop. 

Especially when she heard the music float up from the basement and realized Brian had changed the record. Roy Orbison’s trembling voice crooned up the stairs and promised her if she stayed with him, she’d have anything she wanted, anything she needed, just like it had promised her that very first night on the dance floor.

On their first date, when she’d gotten up to leave the room to get her shit together, Brian had swept in, ramming her up against the counter and kissing the life out of her before his hands slid under her dress. Tonight, though, when she turned around, he was there, but he wasn’t sweeping. He was just leaning against the door frame at the top of the stairs, looking at her, and he was the softest, sweetest thing she’d ever seen. 

She closed the fridge door and put the beers down and went to him. He met her halfway with one hand on her waist and the other taking hers, and their embrace turned into a dance as they swayed to the distant music.

“Feels like our first date,” Sadie said with her head on his shoulder. 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Brian replied. “All we need is a good storm.”

Sadie closed her eyes and held him as tightly as she could without making it seem like time was running out. “That would be a little too perfect,” she chuckled.

“Just like everything else,” he said, and held her back just as tight. After they listened to the first couple of lines, he said, “Hey, wanna hear a fun fact?”

She nodded against his shoulder. “Always.”

“Did you know that this song was co-written by Tom Petty?” 

“Really?” 

“Really,” he said. “I was just reading about it on the back of the record.”

“Now  _ that’s  _ a fun fact,” Sadie said. 

“Yeah, now I dig Tom Petty even more,” Brian said. “He wrote all my favourite songs.”

“Thanks, Tom Petty.”

_ “This  _ one’s about you,” Brian said, and was startled, but only for a moment, when she took her hand back from him and threw both her arms around his shoulders. He hooked his arms around her back and held her, neither of them moving -- even when the record downstairs began to skip, repeating  _ i pray that you are here to stay  _ over and over until they couldn’t take it anymore.  

Sadie didn’t touch her phone for the rest of the night, afraid of what it might say.

But even more than that, she was afraid of what  _she_ might say.

**3.**

Then Brian had a nightmare.

He had to leave bright and early to hit the road in a few hours, but it wasn’t the rising sun or his alarm that woke Sadie with a start the morning after their sad dance in the kitchen. She wasn’t sure what had woken her up so suddenly, and after a long moment of remaining curled up in confused silence, she was about to get dressed and check on the cats when she heard Brian make the sound in the back of his throat. A sad, vulnerable little noise. Trying to be a  _ no,  _ but not quite able. 

She propped herself up on her elbow to get a better look at him. He was sleeping on his side, facing her, his eyebrows knit, with an expression of fear and worry she’d never seen him wear before. One she knew he’d never allow anyone to see, except for maybe Sal. He pressed his cheek into the pillow, his whimper too small and weak to come out of the man she loved so much, and her heart broke. 

“Hey,” she whispered, placing a hand lightly on his face. “I’m here.”

Brian jerked out of his sleep with a gulp of air and a hand on her wrist. “Hey,” he snapped back, trying to play it as cool as he could by covering up his fear with annoyance. “What’s wrong?”

Sadie stroked his cheek with her thumb. “You were having a bad dream.”

Breathing hard, Brian shut his eyes, his hand still closed around her wrist, fingertips squeezing the tendons. “Shit. Sorry.”

She scooted closer to him, allowing him to latch onto her wrist as tightly as he wanted to. “It’s okay,” she told him. “You’re all right.”

He nodded, not opening his eyes or letting go of her. “Yeah, yeah,” he said, still trying to sound tough. “Don’t worry about it.”

She studied him, wondering what a man like Brian Quinn could have nightmares about. Fire, maybe. Smoke rushing in while flames closed in. Not getting to Brooklyn Cat on the bridge in time. Lingering humiliation from a punishment. Spiders, even. He wasn’t scared of much, but she knew the fears he did have had deep roots, and the idea of him having a dream bad enough to make him whimper nearly killed her.   

He kissed her hand and opened his eyes to look at her, looking more than a little sheepish when he saw that she hadn’t gone back to sleep. “Sorry I woke you up,” he chuckled. 

“It’s okay,” she said again, moving her hand from his face so she could stretch her arm around him and hold him closer. “What were you dreaming about?”

Brian pressed his forehead to hers. “You were too standing close to the edge,” he told her. “I didn’t pull you back fast enough.”

Sadie’s heart didn’t know what the fuck to do with that: break or swell or both. She’d thought he’d barely noticed her close call on the sidewalk the evening before. Here she’d been, losing grip on her fears because of him, while he was developing new ones because of her. Fuck. 

After a long, quiet beat, she smiled slowly. “Did you just dream about me getting hit by a bus?”

Brian blinked at her in the dark, then followed her lead and burst out into matching morbid laughter. “Yeah, I did, and I assure you that you didn’t find it funny in my dream,” he laughed, pulling her against his chest. “It was grisly.”

“Sure sounds like it.” She laughed again. “Sorry, I’m just picturing the scene from  _ Mean Girls  _ when Regina George gets hit by the school bus. That’s what you just dreamt.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re amused,” he chuckled. “Because I’m fucking mortified.”

“Mortified?” She smiled at him and smoothed back his hair. “Why?”

“Well, it’s embarrassing, waking your girlfriend up because you had a bad dream like a goddamn five-year-old,” he scoffed. “Real sexy.”

“Don’t be an idiot.” She kissed him gently. “Can I tell you a couple of secrets?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. Well, the first is cheesy but true: every stupid little thing you do makes me love you like a million times more,” she said. “But  _ especially  _ when it’s something embarrassing.”

Brian grinned, still sheepish, but his guards were all the way down. “Right back at you,” he said. “What’s the second one?”

“Less cheesy, but also true: I’ve had night terrors since I was a teenager,” she said. “That’s when my anxiety got out of control. Sometimes I couldn’t even have a nap without having one.”

“Really? How did I not know that?” he asked. “Do I fucking sleep through them?”

“No,” she said. “I haven’t had any since I met you.”

Brian sucked in a breath, like that knocked the wind out of him. “Oof.” 

She smiled. “I’ll say.” She burrowed into the crook of his neck. “I guess it’s because I know you’re here.”

He ran his hand up and down her bare arm, which was covered in goosebumps. He kissed the top of her head, his mind and heart racing. He’d never been a fitful sleeper, didn’t usually even remember his dreams. Now he was having nightmares because of her and she was sleeping peacefully because of him. He didn’t know what to say about that. “I wish I didn’t have to leave in the morning,” was the best he could come up with.

“So do I,” she said. “But it’s just one night. And this is the last time you have to leave before September though, right?”

He deflated. “Yeah.”

_ September.  _ The dread word they didn’t talk about. The month they were pretending would never come. The closer it crept, the more they ignored it. But even so, she was supposed to fly back to Canada on September 1st -- she’d booked her return flight home when she’d booked her flight to New York in May, knowing even back then that if she didn’t, she might just stay forever -- which meant they had two weeks left. Unless something happened. 

He wasn’t going to ask her to stay in New York as long as the Toronto job offer was on the table. She knew he wouldn’t. Brian was many things, but he wasn’t selfish, and he didn’t ask for things on his best days. He was a man who kept his hopes low enough to protect him from all the _no_ s and _not you_ s and _not good enough_ s he’d waded through for so many years. 

The only way he’d ask her to stay was if they said no to her portfolio. 

She had no idea what to hope for, especially after waking up to him whimpering.  

Murr had been right when he said writing was her true love. But he’d also been right when he’d said she’d found the thing she loved as much. She didn’t know where that was going to take her. 

Or where it would leave him.  

“Three days is nothing,” Sadie told him, so sad she was overcompensating with optimism. “I’ll be right here when you get back.”

Brian pursed his lips, trying to turn it into a smile, but that had been the wrong thing to say to him and she could see it all over his face.  _ I’ll be right here when you get back _ was a promise that Brian’s cynical little heart could only finish with  _ “For now.”  _ They were both thinking it. 

She stole a kiss before she rolled over in his arms, her back to his chest, so he couldn’t see the look on her face. “Get some sleep, baby.”

Brian hugged her body to his. She didn’t have to call him  _ baby  _ for him to know how worried she was. “Love you, sweetheart,” he said.

“Love you too.”

His breathing evened out quickly, because he was exhausted, but his hold on her didn’t loosen. She was glad. All this talk of leaving and nightmares made her want to cry. 

Instead, she reached for her phone and checked her email.

**4.**

The fourth reason Sadie said no came in a phone call sometime around midnight on her first night without Brian. 

In the history of their friendship, the only time Sal Vulcano had ever called Sadie on the phone was the time he lost her and Brian at Walgreen’s. That night, alone in the house with Brian on the road, when she saw her phone light up with Sal’s name, she couldn’t imagine why he was calling her. She was certain it was a pocket dial, but she answered anyway. 

“Hello?”

“Oh good,” Sal said. “You’re up.”

“I’m up,” Sadie replies, already nervous. “What’s going on?”

Sal sighed heavily. “Nothing,” he said in a fretful voice that implied otherwise. “Murr’s out gallivanting but Joe and Q are out like lights in their rooms.”

Sadie was completely baffled as to why he was calling, but she didn’t want to be rude. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess. Well, kinda. Not really.”

Sadie got up from the table where she’d been writing so she could pace. “What’s wrong?”

“Okay, listen,” Sal said, and then sighed again. “I probably should’ve rehearsed this but I had three shots of whiskey instead.”

“Hey Sal,” Sadie said, trying to sound upbeat, but her panic shone through. “You’re scaring the shit out of me here.”

“Sorry, I -- hang on one sec, I’m gonna go out on the balcony.” There was scuffling on the other end of the line, followed by some hissed profanity as Sal cursed at a pigeon, and then he came back, loud and clear. “Okay, here’s the thing, Sadie: I love you.”

Sadie stopped pacing. “You… love me?”

“Obviously,” Sal said. “This isn’t some late night confession, so relax. You’re like a little sister to me, which is one of the highest compliments I can give someone, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, not ready to trust that this conversation wasn’t about to go terribly awry. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” Sal said. “You’re a keeper, Sadie. You’re a little ball of sunshine and also just a little bit of a dick, which I respect. You always smile at dogs even though you’re a cat person and you always take your shoes off at my house without being asked and I think you’d do that even if you weren’t Canadian. But the biggest thing is, you’re nice to Q.”

“Sal, what the fuck, of course I’m--”

“Let me finish,” Sal said. “I gotta say what I gotta say.”

“Sure, but--”

“No buts,” Sal said. “Just listen.”

Sadie sat down on the stairs. “Okay, I’m listening.”

“Q,” Sal continued. “You’re not just nice to him, you’re _kind_ to him. There’s a difference. You always make sure he has a napkin and that he doesn’t forget his hat when he takes it off and you call him when you’re running late so he doesn’t have to worry. You play Scrabble with him and you let him play all kinds of bullshit words. You write him these little notes every morning and you never miss a day. He doesn’t let me read them but he’s got the greatest hits in his wallet and the reason I know that is because he reads them all the time. You make life gentler for him. You buy toys for his cats, for God’s sake, you love him so much sometimes you don’t hear when someone else is talking to you because you’re too busy smiling at him. I love you to bits, Sadie. I don’t know how to tell you how much.”

A piece of Sadie was glad she loved Brian so obviously, but the rest of her was wracked with worry. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Well, honestly, I’m telling you this to soften the rest of what I’m going to say to you.”

Sadie’s stomach sank. “Great.”

“I love you, but I love him more,” Sal said. “So I need to level with you.”

“And you need to do that at midnight?”

“Blame the whiskey,” Sal said. “And Q’s mom.”

“Q’s mom?”

“Yeah, she called to check in on him today and I overheard him talking to her,” he said. “I gotta tell you something about Q and his mom, Sadie.”

Last night, Sadie had been picturing Brian dancing with his mother at their wedding. She wasn’t sure she was ready to hear what Sal was about to tell her. 

“Go ahead,” she said. 

“He does for her what you do for him,” Sal said. “He does his best to make sure she doesn’t have to worry about anything. He always calls her right back, he goes to church for her, he paid her mortgage off -- you get what I’m saying, right?”

“He loves his mom.”

“He  _ protects  _ his mom,” Sal said. “Like you protect him in your own little way. And that’s why I love you. You love him enough that I trusted you.”

“Can’t help but notice the past tense there,” she said quietly. 

“I wish there was a tense between past and present,” he chuckled. “Because I want to. I do. But today I heard my best friend talking to his mom on the phone and he didn’t say  _ I,  _ Sadie, he said  _ we.” _

“He did?”

“Yep. Everything he said to her was about both of you. It was all  _ we’re having a good summer,  _ and  _ we liked that movie  _ and  _ it’s a little hot for us but we have AC,  _ shit like that. I don’t think he even realized he was doing it.” Sal went on before Sadie had a chance to soak that in. “Don’t get me wrong, he knows his chances with you aren’t good."

"Sal--"

"I know about the job in Toronto," Sal said. "I’d say congratulations, but I fucking can’t. I’ve been busting his balls since the first week he met you to man up and ask you to stay, and now he can’t. He’s wrecked about it but he’s not going to ask you to pick him over your dreams. He knows you’re probably going to leave him in September and it’s killing him. But when he talks to his mom, the one person in the world he polishes everything up for so she doesn’t have to worry about him -- you’re in every goddamn sentence. That’s more than a little distressing to me.”

“Sal,” Sadie said, but didn’t know what to say, so she settled on a tiny “I’m sorry.”

“I’ve been here before,” Sal said. “There were a lot of girls before you, Sadie.”

“That’s not something I need you to tell me, Sal.” 

“My point is, some met his mom, some didn’t. Some he never even mentioned.” His voice went soft but sharp. “You’re the first one to become a  _ we.” _

Sadie nodded even though Sal couldn’t see her. The guilt hit her like a ton of bricks. 

“I was there for every one of those girls. I met all of them, liked a couple, didn’t like most. Definitely didn’t love them,” Sal said. “And when they all went wrong, it was my kitchen table he fell apart at.”

“Your kitchen table is his end of the world,” Sadie murmured. “You’re where he'd go.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Yes,” she said. That was why Sal had always been one of her favourites. “A long time ago.”

Sal thought about that for a long moment, and then took a deep breath. “I know where he goes when he breaks, Sadie,” he said. “His mother doesn’t.”

Sadie’s throat squeezed.

“I’m not trying to talk you into or out of anything,” Sal said. “I just wanted you to know all that. I wanted you to know we love you and I want you to know it’s not just his heart you’re going to break.”

“Okay,” Sadie managed to say, catching a tear before it could fall. “I get it.”

“I hope you do,” Sal said. “I’m really not trying to be an asshole here but it’s just that I need you to shit or get off the pot so I know what the fuck I’m going to be dealing with in September.”

“Yeah,” Sadie sniffled. It broke her heart to think of this sweet, funny friend of hers bolstering himself so he would be able to stand up to Brian’s sadness. “I will.”

“And maybe I shouldn’t have said any of this, but I had to,” Sal said, sounding more fretful than ever. “Because I love him enough that I might end up hating you.”

“Yeah, me too,” Sadie said, and tried to laugh but started to cry instead.

“Don’t cry,” he said. “If you cry, I’ll cry.”

“Then cry,” Sadie laughed, gulping down a sob. 

“You can talk to me,” Sal said. “I know you’ve got a lot to think about and if it’s too hard to talk to Q about it, you can talk to me.”

Sadie smiled, wiping tears away with the heel of her hand. “You’re a good friend, Sal,” she said. “He’s lucky to have you.” 

“He’s lucky to have you too,” he said. “Even if you leave.”

“Really?”

“I mean, if you leave, I’ll never forgive you, but that’s bro code,” Sal chuckled. “But who knows, maybe you guys can make it work if you get the job.”

“Maybe. I’d only be like 4 hours away.” 

Sal waited a moment before he asked his next question. “Is this what you want?”

“What, Brian?”

“No,” he said. “I mean the job.”

“Oh.” Sadie looked at a picture that hung on the wall of Brian and his family. And then she looked down at her ink-stained hands. “Yes, I want it.” She didn’t add  _ I think.  _

“Then I hope you can make it work,” he said. “I want the best for you, Sadie, I really do. I just hope you know what that is.”

“Me too, Sal.”

“Because honestly?” Sal said. “I don’t think you can have both.”

Sadie looked between the photo and her hands again. “Neither do I.”

**5.**

The fifth reason Sadie said no was just fucking ridiculous. 

Brian’s three days on the road went fast, like the last few weeks of summer always do. And if he knew about Sal and Sadie’s phone call, when he got home, he certainly didn’t act like it.

He just dropped his bags when she met him at the door wearing nothing but his t-shirt, picked her up, and pinned her down right there on the stairs. He was so hungry for her he couldn’t stop his ravenous growl as he buried his face between her legs and got her howling before she’d barely said hello. She returned the favour, skinning her knees on the hardwood as she went down on him, and knew she was doing a good job when his toes started to curl. He flipped her around and fucked her over the edge of the bannister until her legs were shaking. When he came, his hips trembled against her and it took him an extra second to breathe again. 

“Hi,” he laughed, sinking down on the stairs and pulling her down onto his lap. “I’m home.”

“Welcome home,” Sadie smiled, wiping her mouth. “I missed you.”

“Really?” Brian smiled back. “I couldn’t tell.”

“Maybe I’ll show you again later,” she said, holding his face as she kissed him hello. 

“How are you?” he asked softly, wrapping his arms around her waist with her perched on his knee. “Any ghosts?”

“Nope,” she said. “No murderers, either.”

“Atta girl,” he said. “How are the cats?”

“Benjamin’s pretending he’s mad at me because I’m not you, but I think he talks a big game,” Sadie said. “Chessie tricked me into giving him Brooklyn’s treats, but other than that, they were angels.”

Brian grinned up at her. “How the hell did Chessie trick you?”

Sadie laughed. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m still mad.”

His eyes crinkled in the corners as he looked at her. “Adorable,” he chuckled. “I missed all of you like crazy.”

“That’s how we felt too,” she said. “I was just about to hop in the shower -- wanna say hi to the cats and get settled and then meet me in there?”

“Do I ever.”

They headed upstairs to the bedroom hand-in-hand, where Brian collapsed on the bed among his cats. Sadie stood in the doorway of the bathroom, unable to turn away from him, and after watching him corral his babies and reunite with them in the most adorably, embarrassingly, unabashedly open-hearted way, she walked across the room and grabbed her phone off of the bedside table to take a picture. No matter what, she wanted to remember this. 

Just like she remembered the day they first met and how he’d disarmed her by talking about his cats. Sure, his friends had been feeding him lines, but she could tell he was gentle and good just by the way he talked about Benjamin, Chessie, and Brooklyn, and she’d found herself trusting him faster than she’d trusted anyone in a long time, including herself. She stopped by the bed to kiss him and scratch Chessie under the chin, and then slipped into the bathroom to start the shower. 

After Sal’s phone call, she’d had two days to think and drive herself crazy. She checked her email constantly, not knowing what she was hoping for, and now that he was home, her heart felt like it was about to burst out of her chest. Maybe they should talk tonight. Lay it all out on the table. Just be honest with each other, like they had the night of their pregnancy scare. Maybe then they could -- 

“Jesus fucking Christ!”

Sadie jumped back from the shower like a vampire being exposed to sunlight. 

“What?” Brian yelled, appearing in the doorframe in two seconds flat. “What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself?”

Sadie pointed into the bathtub. “Look at that fucking spider!” 

Brian stared at her in disbelief. “You gave me a goddamn heart attack, Sadie, I thought--” He peered into the bathtub and then leapt back. “Jesus fucking Christ!”

“Brian, that’s a  _ monster,”  _ Sadie said, a hand over her heart. “That is way too big to not be a mutant.”

“Yeah, it looks like it just crawled here from Chernobyl,” Brian said, braving another peek at the gigantic spider taking up residence in their shower. “Fuck me. It casts a shadow.”

“It’s so big it could star in its own movie,” Sadie said. “You couldn’t kill that thing with a shovel. I’m gonna die.”

Brian stared at it in horror. “Fuck a shovel, I’m just gonna burn the house down.”

“That is honestly the only solution,” she said. “You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to deal with that thing and I’ve seen your spider punishment so I think a fire is the only way to go.”

The spider moved, causing Sadie to scream bloody murder and Brian to leave the room. 

“Well, don’t fucking leave me with it,” Sadie grumbled, exiting the bathroom hurriedly after Brian. “What do we do? Does it just live here now?”

Brian shrugged. “Might as well hand over the keys to it.”

“Why couldn't it be a ghost or a murderer?” Sadie cried. “Spiders are so much worse.”

“I’m glad I found the one person on this planet that’s as scared of spiders as I am,” Brian said. “We’re handling this really well.”

Sadie giggled nervously. “Remember the date we had at the comedy club the first week I came to New York?”

“What, you mean the one where we had sex in the bathroom?” Brian asked, and then laughed. “Listen, if you’re about to propose we fuck in the bathroom while the spider watches, we’re over.”

Sadie laughed and elbowed him. “No, you idiot,” she said. “I remember us saying we were doomed because if a spider ever got in, we’d both be too scared to deal with it, and now here we are.”

Brian chewed on his bottom lip as he thought about that. “Hmm.”

“At the time, you did say that’s what you had three cats for,” Sadie said. “But I’m pretty sure that spider could eat them.”

“Wait here,” Brian said suddenly before he left the room and left her alone. She kept her eye on the bathroom door as she listened to Brian barrel down the creaky stairs and crash around in the kitchen before he came rushing back with a magazine and a spaghetti strainer in hand. “A mug wouldn’t be big enough,” he explained when Sadie gawked at him. 

“No, I’m just -- you --” Sadie blinked. “Wow.”

“All right, I’m going in,” Brian said, wearing the same look he wore when he was about to walk into a punishment. “Don’t make fun of me if I scream.”

Sadie shook her head, too astonished at his bravery to even dream about teasing him. She hung back in the bedroom as he headed into the bathroom like he was off to the gallows, and then she listened to him unleash a string of filthy curses in the most Staten Island accent she’d ever heard come out of him, and she laughed but only because she was so fucking in love with him and every single one of his silly little fears and his absolute tenacity that she didn’t know what else to do. 

“Motherfucker -- get back here so I can murder you--”

“Don’t kill it!” Sadie yelled from the safety of the bedroom. 

“Are you kidding me?!” Brian yelled from the trenches. 

“It probably has a family,” she laughed.

“That’s what I’m afraid of!”

“Just set it free!”

“Oh my God, you’re ridiculous,” he grumbled, laughing in outrage. After a few more bursts of profanity, he let out a roar of triumph and then a squawk of disgust, followed by a chorus of  _ fuck fuck fuck fucks  _ before he strolled out of the bathroom looking like he’d just walked out of a hurricane. “I think I just aged like 7 years.”

Sadie stared at him. "Did you do it?"

"I did it."

“What did you do with the spider?”

“Threw it out the window.”

She burst out laughing. “What about the spaghetti strainer?”

“Threw it out the window.”

She crossed the room and kissed him. “My hero,” she said, wiping tears of laughter from her cheeks. “I love you so much.”

“Yeah, I love you too,” he said with a spider-induced shudder, and then wrapped his arms around her back. “I mean, clearly. I wouldn’t do that for just anyone, you know.”

“I do,” she smiled, kissing him again. 

“Maybe my mom,” he said. “But that’s about it.”

Sadie froze for a second as she thought about Sal’s phone call the other night. What reason could she possibly have to justify leaving this man who would face his fears to protect not only his mother but her, too?  

“I sure won the lottery with you,” she told him. 

He tilted his head, taken aback, and then smiled wonderingly at her. “Thank you,” he said. “What say we hop in that shower?”

“I say yes,” she smiled, and then pulled out of his arms so she could grab her phone. “Hang on, I just want to take a picture of the spaghetti strainer you threw out the goddamn window.”

He laughed and swatted her on the ass as she darted past him into the bathroom to take a picture out the window. “You’re such a brat.”

She tossed a smile at him over her shoulder, and then entered the passcode so she could open the camera app on her phone. 

And that was when she noticed the email. 

**_Re: Writing Portfolio Submission_ **

_ Dear Ms. Waters,  _

_ Thank you for submitting your portfolio to us. At this time, we are pleased to offer you -- _

“Hey,” Brian said behind her, a hand on her hip when she stood motionless for too long. “Is everything okay?”

Sadie turned her phone off and turned around to face to him. He was so sweet, so hopeful, with his big doe eyes and gentle hands. Since the day they’d met, her heart pounded  _ yes  _ every time she'd looked at him, but right now, there was only word going through her mind.

“No.”


End file.
